Often true, and very true. It doesn't mean they won't string you along for what you are worth and enjoy it.

Jim...

For whatever my opinion is worth, I agree with Rammstein (post 243). Rocky marriage, really smooth for 3 months, then storming out the door. As we say here, "it don't flush".

Marriage is like a car. They all break down from time to time. Some you can fix and are worth fixing. Some you cannot fix, or are not worth fixing.

It is unwise to sits in a Yugo, contemplating replacing the blown engine, and believing that the car will last the rest of your life.

Seriously. Junk the Yugo and move on. Find a car that makes your life happy every day. In the mean time, you may want to rent a few different models to see what's fun.

Now that is true metaphor....I get it now:D

Guys...from the bottom of my heart I thank each and every one of you. The wise, the insane, the acerbic, the funny, the dark, the foreboding the legal, the vindictive, and even the irrelevant comments have done much get me through a roller-coaster week.

An update: We met today for ice tea (the southern equivalent of meeting for coffee) for the first time face to face since our blow up. I apologized profusely for my over the top outburst. I shared with her that I had seen two separate counselors: one an anger management specialist and the other a family therapist. Both have given me an amazing insight into my psyche. There are some things going on, both positive and negative, personally and in the relationship that I was oblivious to. I shared those professional assessments only with regard to findings abut me and my part of the relationship failures and successes (which do in fact exist;)) as it would have been unfair to share analysis of her actions when she did not participate in the therapy. I tried not to lecture. I never confronted her over her issues. This was not the time nor place.

She listened intently without interuption for 45 minutes. She smiled and laughed at things I told her I was suprised to see as if she knew it all along. When I finished she took a nervous breath and apologized profusely for the deception that resulted in my unacceptable behavior. She started sharing some of her own issues that have taken the toll on our marriage and herself individually. Since she did not have the benefit of professional perspective some things appeared to be strangely illogical for lack of a better word. I never questioned such statements as it was not the place or time and I am not equipped nor objective enough to analyze her perspective. However, many of her ill-perceived conclusions, particularly with regard to her relationship with her daughters, were predicted wiith remarkable accuracy by the family counselor I saw. We then discussed the things we have done right in the pparenting arena with the kids.

She professed her desire to save our marriage in any way possible short of abandoning her children. She wants to go to counselling together and individually. She stated she has absolutely no desire to see other people. She wanted to find the joy we had when we dated. She wants to find happiness, wants me to find happiness and wants us to be happy together. And then she said she had decided for to rent an apartment because she needed the space to straighten herself out emotionally as it was the only solution she felt would work. Her lease agreement must be signed by July 24, but she had not signed it yet.

In response, I said that that was a big decision given that we were so raw emotionally and her in particular by having the task of consoling her children because of their father's death less than a month ago. I suggested that since we had options for both physical and emotional space that did not involve substantial expense nor urgency to enter into a long term lease, perhaps we should postpone that decison until we got perspective and suggestions from a family therapist. She was hesitant, I guess fearing I was trying to manipulate her, but she ultimately agreed after setting some mutual ground rules. We agreed to schedule with a therapist next week. I walked her to her car. We hugged and she went back to her restaurant.

I picked up the tab. It was $3.67.

I approach this neither pessimistically nor optimistically. Just realistically. I try not to project what will be the final outcome. It will require work on both our parts to resolve our own issues and those of the relationship. Once fully aware of the dynamics of our blended family, including many pertinent facts I have chosen not to share here in detail, the therapsit said it was one of the most complicated scenarios he had seen.

At this juncture, I think it is time for me to concentrate on my own well being and let the chips fall where they may. I will pop back in if there is anything appropiate to share. Right now the only thing I am sure of is that I will be fine.

To finish off with a car metaphor, I'm an older 356 Speedster with some patina and recent haill damage. My wife is that '72S that has a great competition history. But she's been dinged a bit over a wonderful competition career. She comes with a few aftermarket accessories that are desireable if they are period correct. We're going to start tearing into her hoping there's not terminal hidden damage. If we can get her fixed in a reasonable time and for a reasonable cost, I'd like to keep her as a stable mate. If it becomes too much of a chore we'll part her out and look at a later model twin turbo after doing some maintenance on me. ;)

Thanks all. You're a great community.

Jim,

If you are going to give it a shot at saving it, take the ball and run with it. Glad that she admitted to the deception as its not good from either side in a marriage. Now you take care of the anger issue.

One thing about women who are discussing their problems, do not talk, do not give advise, just listen. Its usually when we guys open our mouth's that they do not like what we say, so just listen.

My gut feeling is that this turned out good but do not roll over on your back and give her everything. Tell her that you are improving and working on it but still keep your guard up.

We all have "baggage" that we carry. Hope that the two of you can get past this and move ahead. As was said before, you did not marry her, you married the three of them. Lets hope that the girls work out well, and the two of you stay with each other.

Joe A

Well said Joe. All the best Jim, I hope everything works out.

Good luck, I am glad to hear that the door has been opened. I will hold my comments (having been where you are) just keep an open mind and an open heart. Don't be a lawyer, Be a husband, be a father, be a person.
I truly hope that the two of you can find common ground, and the happiness that you had. Having been in the relationship for such a small amount of time (compared to a lot of us) the memories of the good times should still be fresh enough to to be able to find within yourself.
Simply by you starting this thread, and asking for advice, or venting, you have shown that you are nowhere close to wanting this to be over.

Good news, Jim. Sometimes it is really, really worth it & you owe it to yourself to go for it. I am sure that I speak for many when I say that you know where to find us if you need us - collectively or individually.

Ian

Uhhh,
When you wake up on the floor, blowing spit bubbles, a Wild Turkey headache the size of Texas, and she is standing over you with a 2x4 screeching incomprehensibly. My head is as thick as my Labrador's. My wife knows this and treats us accordingly, she speaks slowly, and we both have to wear shock collars.
eric
P.S. I had a girlfriend who had 2 daughters with similar issues, pretty, popular, and a handful. We parted for similar reasons, she wanted to be their friend, that worked out well, the 14 year old daughter got knocked up with twins and the 16 year old ended up a lesbian with a powerful taste for meth. Ex was a grandmother at 37.

I'm genuinely glad to hear this. That's really all that matters.

+1

This morning I awoke to a text message sent at 2:20 a.m. "Can't sleep. Think we need to have a family meeting and let the kids know what our plans are to let them know everything will be OK."

Hmmmmm....interesting. I am of the opinion that since I have not been in the loop as to what the kids are concerned about my presence is not really neccessary save for the fact wife and I have made a joint decision about our relationship. Not trying to be difficult or provve a point, but at this juncture I feel no responsibility to tell the kids anything is OK or not. I got fired from that job long ago.

Have to think about this.

On another note, I spent the morning enjoying the Sunday paper and coffee on my back deck. It was very relaxing and I really enjoyed not having to worry about disturbing anyone else sleeping in. It occurred to me that would not suck on a permanent basis.

Tonite: Steaks on the grill and poker game for 5 of my best buds. I could get into this.

Stop thinking of the kids as having adult brains. Regardless of their previous statements and actions, they DO need reassurances about their family stability. The things you say DO sink in (positives and negatives). Your actions, or lack of action, right now is critical to how things move forward. Acting selfishly establishes your 'self' and not your 'family' as being more important. You ARE a parent, like it or not (for everyone involved).

You ARE being difficult, and now is not the time.

Just my two cents

Jim - I've been following this with more than passing interest. I have not had any meaningful insights, so you've just been receiving my silent support. And thank you for helping me to appreciate my relatively drama-free life.

But this note makes me want to share a comment. Yes, not having wife/daughter at your home feels like a great holiday. The grass is always greener, blah, blah. But I read that text exactly the opposite from what I surmise is your interpretation. You have an opportunity (and the responsibility) to let the girls know that relationships are work, mature people address their own contributions to the problem and that their mother and you are equally committed to the marriage. Without that shoulder-to-shoulder discussion, the daughters will feel more outside of "the family unit" and have reasons, conscious or unconscious, to sabotage the relationship. Hearing from both of you together that the deception is not acceptable is very important and more important that they hear from the two of you that you want the marriage to work.

My $0.02.

+1

Point well taken. I spoke to the family counselor about this, and he feels there is no need for me to be there. That I should trust her to convey to the kids that we have made a decision/plan.

She should absolutely talk with her girls privately about this. I would expect her to do so, and yes, you need to trust her to convey it appropriately to them. But I think there is a significant need and opportunity for the "family meeting", and I'm quite surprised that the counselor does not think there is a need for this.

He actually took some time bouncing it around. I think his basic gist was the girls might think I was coercing or manipulating her and they might not voice that concern with me present. That mom's assurances that that was not the case and she was sticking to supporting our decision might be more affective with out me "looming" over them. It shows them that when I am not there mom will not allow them to manipulate her against me.

Its probably 6 of one half a dozen of the other.

I agree with his concern and think that a private meeting with the girls and their mom is really important. Is she strong enough to have this without you? Is she afraid that her girls might tell her she's wrong and convince her otherwise?

I just think that an additional discussion for the girls to hear the message and voice their concerns to the both of you is valuable too.

Jim,

Overall good news...trust your wife to be honest with her kids about everyone's place in the family you both wish to have...

Good luck..

Wow, interesting thread....
I am not the poster child for successful marriage counseling so I can only wish you the best of luck with this.
For me when I realized that my ex and I needed counseling, it was already too late. I don't regret that relationship ending now, but it took a few years and many beers for me to be OK with it.
Regardless, it is a tough sled ride no matter how you decide to proceed, but do what you think is right for you.

Great news; take advantage of the opportunity.