Very sorry to hear this Jim. Just remember, things will get a little better each day. Stay busy with the car project and let the healing process start........

I think the first big step you need to take is "Acceptance." You need to, in your mind and heart, try to view things objectively and accept that this is over. You just can't move on until you do that, and you need to move on. My sense is that even now, you haven't fully accepted this.

I think you also should look at the positives in this situation. It is very positive that you don't have any spawn with this woman. That, of course, complicates things 100 fold. Without kids, an adult marriage is little more than glorified dating.

Also, this seems like it was a fairly "short term" marriage, both in layman's terms and in legal terms. My guess is she doesn't really have any claims against you (alimony, future support, etc). You'd know that better than me, though. In any event, she seems like she just wants to walk away, all the better. It looks like this can, should and hopefully will be a fairly clean break.

Finally, another huge positive is you are a good, successful man. At "our" age, that's a pretty rare commodity, and there are a lot of women who would jump at that opportunity. In other words, there's a lot of fish in that sea, and some pretty nice ones, too. I'd suggest getting yourself back out there sooner rather than later.

You've got a lot of people pulling for you!

I'm not a church goer, but that or any community happenings where there are marrieds and singles would be a healthy enterprise.

As I mentioned earlier, having friends and acquaintances to enjoy beats the time alone in the house every way I can think of.

Jim,
I doubt McLovin meant get out there & find another marriage relationship ASAP. Maybe he did. I've only been married twice and divorced once, and I'm perfectly happy with my wife now, but I'm the kind of guy that can be happy on my own too. I was out there for a long time as a single person for a couple of reasons. First I'm pretty picky about picking a woman to be married to as evidenced by the fact I didn't get married until I was 32 (that plus my life was in constant flux) the first time and second, it was 13 years before I married again. I went through quite a few women and had several I lived with for quite awhile. My first view of "getting out there" is that women are people just like we are. I always looked at them as friends, most with benefits, but some just as friends. I liked to do things/activities with them as the first priority. I think if you do that as your first priority, life in the world with women is much better, fun, less stressful, etc., etc. That doesn't mean I didn't enjoy some short, hot, sexy stands with any. But the important thing is to not be out there "looking" first thing off the bat. The important thing is to have fun!

Take some time for yourself, Jim. Another relationship will happen in time.

In between my divorce and meeting my 2nd wife I didn't date anyone. (Sure, there were some nights that sucked but my friends and family were there and I survived.)

The time without a companion was very therapeutic for me. Without going through what I did, I could never appreciate what I have now.

+ 1000 You have to mourn before you can move on.

Ian

Oh, absolutely not, on the first two sentence. Absolutely yes on the third!

I've been married 20 years, first wife, but at our age, if I became widowed, no way in the world I'd get married again. Date? For sure! Date someone exclusively? Maybe. Live with someone? Probably. Married? No way. I don't see the point of that at our age.

My point was simply that he needs to resolve in his mind to move on from this current person, finally and irrevocably.

You are absolutely right. I actually wasn't thinking of getting married again either, but glad I did.
There seems to be two basic groups on this thread. Most are being supportive of his attempts to work things out, basically saying they are hopeful and supportive that whatever he attempts works out. The second and smaller group seems to be saying for him to get the hell out of there and get a life without being abused, punished and belittled. In reality, I don't think he's listening to the second group at all. It reminds me of the things they say about a spouse in an abusive relationship rationalizing staying in that relationship. I think he's a great guy. He has shown us intelligence, experience, and great judgement and ability in his career. In the relationship he has shown great loyalty, faith in the idea of being able to work things through, and patience, and (I guess)love. But I'm frankly puzzled why he seems to be paralyzed when it comes to making decisions based on at least somewhat rational analysis of a situation that has been going on so long. Sorry to sort of talk about you, Jim, in a third person way. Just giving my real thoughts.

Sorry to hear the situation went that way Jim. There is a lot of good advice here.
Sandy

I check this thread a few times a day and am astounded by the intelligence and compassion...perhaps we need sniper back to add some perspective;) In any event I appreciate the showing of empathy by you all.

One comment about why I just don't bag it and move on? I can describe my approach to relationships in terms of my reputation when I was racing...I was known to be the guy that when completely crossed up and heading to the wall I never stopped trying to gather it up and save it. I made some pretty impressive saves along the way (some likely by sheer luck). And others I just couldn't pull it out and paid the price for not playing it safe. That's the way I roll (a subtle reference to my infamous 6 revolution barrel roll down pit lane off the bridge turn at Road Atlanta.):D

As I think I stated earlier, for right now I'm doing nothing to end or salvage the relationship. Rest assured I AM taking actions to protect myself emotionally, physically and legally. Not burying my head in the sand or in denial...just taking care of me for a change. And in so doing I feel in many ways the weight of the world is off my shoulders.

There will time to grieve. But for right now I'm just trying to learn to enjoy myself without worrying about anyone else. It's been a while. Just resting up and gathering strength for what the future holds regardless of the outcome.

No question about it, I do love my wife dearly. But that doesn't mean the marriage can or should survive.

Is that like a monkey roll??

Best,
Tom

Nope. You're doing it right. And the last statement is the truth and one several of us have faced. It's one that you and at least one other guy on the board are facing.

Personal experience here. Move on!!

Hey, when are we getting an update on the room monkeys' divorce?

Nothing has changed. The criminal court case is still in dither mode but he just got the OK to start communicating through lawyers for divorce. He has a new girlfriend - Asian of course. A landed immigrant & near citizen with a good job & a 2 BR condo. All good. She is from the north - Harbin - but her parents live & work in Shenzhen. She bought a C Series Benz 2 days before a 5 week trip home & gave him the car to use while she was gone. It is parked in our drive more than her condo since she doesn't like to drive . . .

He is still living with us :mad: until the case is decided - or until I have had enough.

Ian

Hey Jim, I've read a few pages of this thread and am sorry. Read a page sounded bad, read another, sounded good then bad again. You're a good man for trying & trying & trying.
In one post you said you decided to stay completely out of the twins/mother decisions hoping this would help defuse things . I remember another thread you started concerning the twins and you were accused of not caring when you did that before. Sounds like you're damned if you do damned if you don't.
I was fortunate that my divorce a few years ago was very civil. We are still close actually. You can love someone without being able to live with them.
Hang in there work on that awesome car and start racing again!!

Sorry for the situation you're in Jim... But ya know, this thread aside, you're an intelligent, good hearted, loving and fun loving guy.... you sir deserve to be with someone for the rest of your life that will reciprocate what you would bring into the relationship.... it really doesn't seem from my end anyways that you are getting in return what you are investing.... You don't strike me as someone who would take this abuse from a retailer or car dealership.... Why would you accept this abuse from a spouse... yes, being treated like a yo yo is a form of abuse... it leaves bruises and scars on the heart man... Personally, I think you deserve better... I wish your current spouse could be this person for you because I know you really love her... but we can't change folks and it seems like she may of had leaving on her mind for a while... just remember my friend, you will always be a Shepard boy until your Goliath comes around....

Sorry to hear Jim.

I finally packed it in after a long seperation. It hasn't been easy. But I think we are both better off.

At my text request, wife dropped off a copy of the house keys (I never even kept a set as wwe rarely locked house since there were always someone here). I was under the 911 power washing the under carriage/engine/tranny etc.

On a very positive note, the underside of my car looks awesome. :D Also fitted and trial mounted rear fg bumper...trying to devise a quick removal system because it makes it working underneath more open.

Good to hear you are doing well, Jim...

If ya ever wanna come up to OK for a weekend let me know... Could come hit up our autocross, and shoot some spoons!