Separation as a tool to save a marriage...your experiences?
 

You are all aware of my domestic foibles and I thsnk you for your comments and support. I don't really want to get into an analysis of my situation as much as I want to hear your experiences with a "time out" to step back and sort out your individual as well as marital relationship issues in an effort to salvage a marriage.

In your experience, has it worked in your relationship(s)? What kind of time frame is reasonable? Did you maintain contact during the separation? Was it just prolongong the inevitable?

Since many of you followed my other thread along these lines, let me say the following...My wife and I truly love each other; we redcognize we both have persoanl issues that we need to deal with separately for our own well being; there are issues involving the relationship that must be addressed to each other's satisfaction that we agree are fixable; there is no issue that will be financially deveastating to either of us should we decide to split for good so we're not having to deal with that destructive issue so common to relationship failures; there is no issue of infidelity, substance abuse/addictions etc involved; nobody's looking for the BBD (bigger better deal).

I think it was Moses who said separate living arrangements and "space" are for dating...not marriages. May be true but I know of couples who have had separations and come back togerther to a a better relationship. But then again, there are those that it was a prelude for ending it. To paraphrase the warden from Cool Hand Luke, ""When a (wo)man gets the rabbit in him he's gonna run...into the box Luke." and "What we have heah is failure to communicate<" :D

On the persoanal level, I'm doing fine. This time alone has allowed for introspection and has allowed me to see things I've not handled well, seen that I have neglected my own neeeds/happiness, seen that I am way too hard on myself, etc. I am firmly convinced I will be a better man regardless of whether we reconcile or not.

TYIA for your comments.

Jim, I have not seen a separation help. But always a way to keep one or the other from seeing what is going on. Never seen it help. Seems you are the one that commited to the relationship. Remember, you aren't always wrong.

So am I wrong in my commitment? I'm so confused;) LOL

Seriously, my wife has some issues that she has not even identified, much less addressed...but that is her cross to bear for now.

My ex moved back to CA in the fall of '85. After a year (I don't think either of us really 'dated') I asked if she wanted to move back. When she said no I thought it best to file in AR before she did in CA.
And I've been happily re-married since '87. First marriage is a practice one for some.
Hope your situation turns out ok.
Jim

Jim, I have been asking myself the same question for a while now. Lets hpoe we can both find the answers we are looking for

Rick...so what's going on with your situation, if you care to share? Or PM me if you'd prefer...

Lets just say that after 25 years, people change on both sides, not for the better and not in ways that either can adjust to.

I've never seen it work.

I've seen people get back together after a separation, but at best I've seen one spouse (or both) use the time to figure out how to hide the behavior that was the problem.

Interesting observation. Care to expound?

Two names

Jon and Kate.

Diet coke thru the nose...funny ruf.:D

Hey ruf....I think I may have bought another BMUU wagon...2003, white/grey lthr 525.

I don't have the time right now, but I'll type something up later. I'll probably PM it to you as one of my examples involves someone who is a member here.

Well my personal observations are contingent on whether there is an agreed upon plannned separation...or if not planned, say one partner moves out in a huff, then if there is a plan as to what the purpose of the separation is, agreements on contact, counseling, an idea as to length rather than an open ended separation with no parameters.

I went through this a while back.
I moved out for about 6-7 months (married 16 years).
It forced her (and I) to address some issues we had. Neither one of us is a very good communicator...We did go to counseling together one time.
So far it seems to have worked and things are great (it's been a little over a year now).

Before, I would have said when things get to the counseling stage...it's generally over....but I have changed my opinion on that...

She could be insisting on living apart to force you to "listen" to her concerns, etc.

Good luck...it seems like you have a good attitude

Didn't work for me.
I hope I never have to consider the option again.
Good luck with your situation.
+1 on Legions comment...

I've never seen it work... In general what I've seen is the "Seperation" is a divorce but neither party is willing to say the word, so they "seperate".

Here's the thing (I've not been thru this thank God, so I only speak from observation and opinion). Marriage is a partnership. Seperating to resolve your issues seems very counter-intuitive to me. You are together and ostensibly stronger because of it. Splitting in half to take care of a problem is the exact opposite of the strength and benefit of marraige. When one has an issue, the other is there to help. If BOTH have an issue it's hard, but marraige is compromise. One compromise that both parties have to make often is that sometimes you have to put your feelings aside to focus on the other person.

So while I'm not familiar with your situation nor whether certain issues can or should be put aside, I just don't see the seperation as ever being a good idea.

Rick (and Dueller) i'm sorry to hear of this!

Rick if you get to the point (god forbid) where you need help moving stuff or whatever you just let me know.

My wife and I are going through this now. Our household is too volatile with the arguing for anything to get better. Its starting to have a negative impact on the kids. In our situation, I think a short-term separation will allow things to cool down and maybe enable us to 'like' each other again.

D-
I have seen it work multiple times. In all cases, both parties were committed to each other and there was no "other" party involved and the goal was to fix the problem. It was hard work.

It might be a better conversation off line. PM if you would like to chat.
L

Agreed. Marriage is a partnership, it seems counter-productive to work out your issues seperately. Not to say that you shouldn't also seek help individually, but that should just be a piece of working it out together.

I assume she's still pushing for her own place? That seems dangerous, on many different levels.

I have nothing to give here; I don't see anywhere you mentioning counseling. Is this not an avenue the two of you would look into?

who initiated the seperation? and you cant say 'both of you', or 'mutual', because deep down, that is simply not true. One of you had to have the idea to seperate first. If it was her, it's over, as she has already left some time ago. If it was you, and you want it to work out, then depending on how much this has affected her, it might work, but the percentages are not in your favor...

The only way I have seen it work is a Military deployment, but a lot of the time there is no issue before hand. Sorry to hear of family troubles.

Separation did NOT help my wife and I save our marriage,
Despite my protests to our counselor and showing her evidence that the majority of marriage that separate for the reason we were ended in divorce, she urged us to separate and have time apart.

We were divorced on May 11th.

Absence does NOT make the heart grow fonder!
IT GROWS FUNGUS!

I am sorry to hear about your situation. In my experience, what makes up the foundation for a relationship is the two individual personalities - not the life situation and other factors. Personalities are cemented traits, they won´t change. Not much anyway. If it doesn´t work at first, it will most likely never work.

I gave my former spouse nine years of my life. I noticed disturbing signs already the first months, but chose neglect. Then the self-lying started. "It will get better." If only this, if only that. Maybe some time apart etc etc. Finally it crashed with a bang. My story is however not typical as such, seeing as my spouse all but qualified as a certified psychopath.

I wish you the best outcome, good luck!

About 7 years ago we separated, just to clear our heads. I moved to Maryland (and survived). I returned home and we went to counseling. We both made a huge effort to change what was wrong, and for a while it was better than when we were dating. Unfortunately there has been a lot of back sliding over the past few years, and even though I have tried as hard as I can to not repeat the mistakes of the past, it seems to be one sided. Jim to give you an honest answer to your question I would say no it doesn't work. Your situation may be different, the problems may be something that can be worked through. Ya'll haven't been together anywhere as long as my wife and I.
And Eric, thanks for the offer bud, good to know there are still good people out there.

Sorry about your troubles, but it's not gonna work.

The relation either never really was (that is my strong suspicion based on your posts, for a variety of reasons) or has been so damaged that you can never go back to what once was.

"War's over, man. Wormer dropped the big one."

We've only ever lived apart due to finances, not due to estrangement, so I really can't comment too much here, but I'll throw my $0.02 in. The big difference is that in a situation like yours the separation would probably be best used as a guide as to what to do going forward, not to try and justify an already decided conclusion (i.e. "we still belong together ultimately").

As much as it's painful to hear, I think the best use of separation as a tool to decide whether you're really better off on your own, or whether things were better when you were together. The hard part is being willing to accept the results, even if they're not the ones you want...

Best of luck to you. Rotten situation.

ah..trial separation..
that's like..
a almost running Porsche...
you need a mechanic that doesn't play games...
sorry D...
she's worried what the 'bosses' might say or want...

Rika

Dunno...never tried it. Oh wait, does going on a pool playing road trip while the kitchen gets remodeled count? Probably not...I just can't stand the disruption & destruction involved in a remodel.

Good luck to you...but sounds to me like her mind is made up...

Enjoy your new adventure...pick up new hobbies, be as selfish as you like. In other words, try to have fun while being sad.

+1

Once a woman even mentions the word separation or divorce, it's OVER. It often just takes the man a while to get up to speed.

Honestly I don't see how this can work. You don't have any "anchors". You have no children together, no financial obligations and no real history. It will be far too easy for both of you to chart a new course without seriously working on the relationship.

I agree with Moses...while sincerely wishing you better luck next time.

Bro, if your beloved wife cannot even be honest with you....what is it exactly that you are seeking to save?

Think about that objectively.

A girl i was messing with recently told me she was separated. Here it turns out that she separated from him just so she could ride my pony. As soon as we were done knocking boots (about 6 weeks of fun and games), she went back to her husband.

I wonder what she told him....

Military deployment separations can lead to rampant infidelity. Often on both parties parts.

yikes

Jim,

Been there, done that, got back together, finally divorced.

Sorry, but I think it's a bad idea. Still hoping for the best for you, though.

Wow, this is very close to my experience, exchange the words 9 for 20 and psychopath for bi polar and you have my situation exactly.

I think it's hard to generalize here. Each situation is so different. I'm sure separation can work if both are committed to the same thing moving forward and to working on it. Otherwise it's just a stage in the ultimate break up.

I think the 'separation' will just give her more time to inventory your stuff and get her ducks lined up for the divorce.

I know in my case, separation was just a prelude to the divorce. It only delayed the inevitable - but probably also prevented homicide. ;) Of course, I had to make all of the decisions because she was incapable of anything that required an intelligent rational decision - even though she was the instigator.

Only you know your situation . . . but from what you have posted, there are several things happening.

The girls are off to college. They now have their own resources due to their recent inheritance. You are off the financial hook so to speak but maybe it also weakened the ‘need’ for you - in your wife’s mind. Does that mean she was using you? Probably subconsciously & maybe even consciously. That’s the nature of a mother protecting her spawn. Not to take anything away from your relationship but it is still a fact hovering in the background.

She is facing an empty nest in September. The trauma of this has not really set in – but it will – and it is real. This could work in favor of a reconciliation. Or not. She might be viewing this with enthusiasm as the start of the next phase in her life & she might leap in with both feet. Or she might find that she needs her partner back & you weren’t such a bad guy after all.

Any way it plays, it will be a rollercoaster for a while. Get the help you need. Try to avoid the pitfalls that many of us tumble into – depression, substance abuse, whoring etc.

Good luck.

Ian

Dude. I just spent the last hour and a half reading the last thread. What a soap opera.

I've commented on your threads in the past and I think I've been harsh. I have trouble reconciling my feelings to moses' advice.

I respect what he's got to say whenever he says something, he is wise and in my experience considers his words before he commits them.

I think there is a good bet he's right here but I'm not sure, were I in your situation that I could see that. Trust is the underpinning in any marriage and I just don't know if you and your wife 'trust'.

Grown kids living at home routinely do not show their parents the respect that they have earned. I didn't do it with my parents and I'm willing to bet you didn't either. It doesn't make me a bad kid - just a kid.

I think your step daughters are a bit over the top in manipulation though.

Your wife has lied to you before here and while she may have agreed to your house rules at the time - did not feel that the agreement pertained to her and her girls. I think your rules were reasonable, period. I had rules, I broke them and in my life my dad was the 'friend and parent' and when I called him one night to say I wasn't going to be home - the rule was I needed to be - he immediately said that there would be consequences. I told him I knew that, he said 'thanks for letting me know you're not dead, when you get home give me my car keys.'

I did. When I told him why I didn't come home, years later - he said 'I'm not sure I would have stopped to call.'


Trusting another person as much as you need to trust a wife is a very tall order. If they can't live up to it - keep that big house. Enjoy your sunday paper and poker with the buddies.

My wife and I go to counseling on an on-going basis. With two little ones, learning to parent and pay attention to each other and consider each other is important. When we have our blowups - she takes off but she comes back. So far.

Myself, I'm a push over - I find it hard to stay angry with her but I stay when we fight. She runs, calls someone then comes back. Sometimes she's angry for a few days and sometimes I choose to hold onto it. Sometimes I feel like it's always my fault when ever we fight. I wonder if that is just the plight of man.