Separation as a tool to save a marriage...your experiences?

Dueller · 03:10 AM

You are all aware of my domestic foibles and I thsnk you for your comments and support. I don't really want to get into an analysis of my situation as much as I want to hear your experiences with a "time out" to step back and sort out your individual as well as marital relationship issues in an effort to salvage a marriage.

In your experience, has it worked in your relationship(s)? What kind of time frame is reasonable? Did you maintain contact during the separation? Was it just prolongong the inevitable?

Since many of you followed my other thread along these lines, let me say the following...My wife and I truly love each other; we redcognize we both have persoanl issues that we need to deal with separately for our own well being; there are issues involving the relationship that must be addressed to each other's satisfaction that we agree are fixable; there is no issue that will be financially deveastating to either of us should we decide to split for good so we're not having to deal with that destructive issue so common to relationship failures; there is no issue of infidelity, substance abuse/addictions etc involved; nobody's looking for the BBD (bigger better deal).

I think it was Moses who said separate living arrangements and "space" are for dating...not marriages. May be true but I know of couples who have had separations and come back togerther to a a better relationship. But then again, there are those that it was a prelude for ending it. To paraphrase the warden from Cool Hand Luke, ""When a (wo)man gets the rabbit in him he's gonna run...into the box Luke." and "What we have heah is failure to communicate<"

On the persoanal level, I'm doing fine. This time alone has allowed for introspection and has allowed me to see things I've not handled well, seen that I have neglected my own neeeds/happiness, seen that I am way too hard on myself, etc. I am firmly convinced I will be a better man regardless of whether we reconcile or not.

TYIA for your comments.

schamp · 07-27-2009, 03:16 AM

Jim, I have not seen a separation help. But always a way to keep one or the other from seeing what is going on. Never seen it help. Seems you are the one that commited to the relationship. Remember, you aren't always wrong.

Dueller · 07-27-2009, 03:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by schamp

Seems you are the one that commited to the relationship. Remember, you aren't always wrong.

So am I wrong in my commitment? I'm so confused

LOL

Seriously, my wife has some issues that she has not even identified, much less addressed...but that is her cross to bear for now.

on2wheels52 · on2wheels52's Garage

My ex moved back to CA in the fall of '85. After a year (I don't think either of us really 'dated') I asked if she wanted to move back. When she said no I thought it best to file in AR before she did in CA.
And I've been happily re-married since '87. First marriage is a practice one for some.
Hope your situation turns out ok.
Jim

Rick V · 07-27-2009, 03:27 AM

Jim, I have been asking myself the same question for a while now. Lets hpoe we can both find the answers we are looking for

Dueller · 07-27-2009, 03:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rick V

Jim, I have been asking myself the same question for a while now. Lets hpoe we can both find the answers we are looking for

Rick...so what's going on with your situation, if you care to share? Or PM me if you'd prefer...

Rick V · 07-27-2009, 04:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dueller

Rick...so what's going on with your situation, if you care to share? Or PM me if you'd prefer...

Lets just say that after 25 years, people change on both sides, not for the better and not in ways that either can adjust to.

legion · 07-27-2009, 04:42 AM

I've never seen it work.

I've seen people get back together after a separation, but at best I've seen one spouse (or both) use the time to figure out how to hide the behavior that was the problem.

Dueller · 07-27-2009, 05:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by legion

I've never seen it work.

I've seen people get back together after a separation, but at best I've seen one spouse (or both) use the time to figure out how to hide the behavior that was the problem.

Interesting observation. Care to expound?

ruf-porsche · ruf-porsche's Garage

Two names

Jon and Kate.

Dueller · 07-27-2009, 05:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ruf-porsche

Two names

Jon and Kate.

Diet coke thru the nose...funny ruf.

Hey ruf....I think I may have bought another BMUU wagon...2003, white/grey lthr 525.

legion · 07-27-2009, 05:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dueller

Interesting observation. Care to expound?

I don't have the time right now, but I'll type something up later. I'll probably PM it to you as one of my examples involves someone who is a member here.

Dueller · 07-27-2009, 05:36 AM

Well my personal observations are contingent on whether there is an agreed upon plannned separation...or if not planned, say one partner moves out in a huff, then if there is a plan as to what the purpose of the separation is, agreements on contact, counseling, an idea as to length rather than an open ended separation with no parameters.

jbryant · 07-27-2009, 05:46 AM

I went through this a while back.
I moved out for about 6-7 months (married 16 years).
It forced her (and I) to address some issues we had. Neither one of us is a very good communicator...We did go to counseling together one time.
So far it seems to have worked and things are great (it's been a little over a year now).

Before, I would have said when things get to the counseling stage...it's generally over....but I have changed my opinion on that...

She could be insisting on living apart to force you to "listen" to her concerns, etc.

Good luck...it seems like you have a good attitude

billybek · billybek's Garage

Didn't work for me.
I hope I never have to consider the option again.
Good luck with your situation.
+1 on Legions comment...

cstreit · cstreit's Garage

I've never seen it work... In general what I've seen is the "Seperation" is a divorce but neither party is willing to say the word, so they "seperate".

Here's the thing (I've not been thru this thank God, so I only speak from observation and opinion). Marriage is a partnership. Seperating to resolve your issues seems very counter-intuitive to me. You are together and ostensibly stronger because of it. Splitting in half to take care of a problem is the exact opposite of the strength and benefit of marraige. When one has an issue, the other is there to help. If BOTH have an issue it's hard, but marraige is compromise. One compromise that both parties have to make often is that sometimes you have to put your feelings aside to focus on the other person.

So while I'm not familiar with your situation nor whether certain issues can or should be put aside, I just don't see the seperation as ever being a good idea.

berettafan · 07-27-2009, 06:33 AM

Rick (and Dueller) i'm sorry to hear of this!

Rick if you get to the point (god forbid) where you need help moving stuff or whatever you just let me know.

Vipergrün · 07-27-2009, 06:57 AM

My wife and I are going through this now. Our household is too volatile with the arguing for anything to get better. Its starting to have a negative impact on the kids. In our situation, I think a short-term separation will allow things to cool down and maybe enable us to 'like' each other again.

Macroni · Macroni's Garage

D-
I have seen it work multiple times. In all cases, both parties were committed to each other and there was no "other" party involved and the goal was to fix the problem. It was hard work.

It might be a better conversation off line. PM if you would like to chat.
L

onewhippedpuppy · 07-27-2009, 07:13 AM

Quote:

I've never seen it work... In general what I've seen is the "Seperation" is a divorce but neither party is willing to say the word, so they "seperate".

Here's the thing (I've not been thru this thank God, so I only speak from observation and opinion). Marriage is a partnership. Seperating to resolve your issues seems very counter-intuitive to me. You are together and ostensibly stronger because of it. Splitting in half to take care of a problem is the exact opposite of the strength and benefit of marraige. When one has an issue, the other is there to help. If BOTH have an issue it's hard, but marraige is compromise. One compromise that both parties have to make often is that sometimes you have to put your feelings aside to focus on the other person.

So while I'm not familiar with your situation nor whether certain issues can or should be put aside, I just don't see the seperation as ever being a good idea.

Agreed. Marriage is a partnership, it seems counter-productive to work out your issues seperately. Not to say that you shouldn't also seek help individually, but that should just be a piece of working it out together.

I assume she's still pushing for her own place? That seems dangerous, on many different levels.