In my case it didn't fix the damage, but it is largely because we let it get so far that the resentments built up too much. If we had done it earlier we might have kept it together. Mine is a really long story that I don't have the energy or time to pass on. For me the bottom line is pretty simple though: Even if you are going to break up, you will have to go through the separation process. During that time, you both will realize if you are happier about it or miserable. My advice would be to avoid separating. During the separation, my wife came running back a couple of times to try and put it together again. The thing is that after all of the damage she did in the process, I realized that I was better off being away from her.

Out of sight, out of mind.

Separation is to divorce

as

engagement is to marriage.

That is pretty well stated. Separation also leads to reconciliation which leads to separation... again.

Jim, based on what you said in your post #283 here...

http://forums.pelicanparts.com/off-topic-discussions/483932-when-did-you-know-over-relationship-15.html

...especially “She professed her desire to save our marriage in any way possible short of abandoning her children. She wants to go to counselling together and individually. She stated she has absolutely no desire to see other people. She wanted to find the joy we had when we dated. She wants to find happiness, wants me to find happiness and wants us to be happy together,” I see no reason for you to be soliciting for input/stories on the matter.

Because unless for some reason you now think she was lying, or you’ve approached her about counseling and she said she has changed her mind, it sure sounded like things were on for moving forward with a goal of full restoration when you met her that day.

I realize that many, many times there can be a huge difference between what a woman says and what she does, but...

Did something change?

Did you find out she went ahead and signed that lease?

I think she's bound and determined to punish Jim for his outrage. Which won't work. It takes two and I don't think both are on the same field yet.

Separation helped me get a jump start on dating again. I played the pity card well ;)

I wish you the best. Not sure I have much to add except that I've always felt that actions mean much more than words. Pay attention to what she does, not what she says. In my experience, women tend to use a lot of words to convey things and those words will have subtly different meanings. We men generally don't know all of those rules, and accept synonyms in the simplest of terms, when that's not what they mean at all.

Good luck!

I don't know what you mean.

Why I oughta!!! SmileWavy

to the moon!!!

Rode another "Pony", but I like I like the old "Stallone" better.

LOL

Should have brought a Jag XK8 convertible and cruise around town with the top down.

LOL

If you want to, hope you can save it. Cover your a$$ets while doing so just in case...

Or sat around town waiting for a tow truck for it... ;)

To answer the original question: yes. I went to Grad school and left my girlfriend. She found a "replacement." I was miserable. The relationship before I left was sort of lopsided and was bond for destruction. When I came back, the balance was put into the relationship. That was 1989. I believe a good break can point out how truly valuable a person is to you. Good luck.
Larry

My Jag with 700,000 miles might disagree with the above statement.

I missed the earlier threads but can guess at the content based on this and the much earlier issues.

This line bothers me: " She wanted to find the joy we had when we dated."

Looking backwards dooms one to failure. Life is too short to deal with lies, manipulation and BS. Everyone makes mistakes, but if people don't know their own issues and aren't willing to find them, then you're toast unless you just want to be a doormat.

Don't be a doormat. Be the door, Danny.

Hey now, my Jag was one of the most reliable cars I've owned. One of the few that didn't have anything broken on it. #1 rating from JD Power this year too, that should be worth something.

A car running for a full three months without breaking down is nothing to be proud of, Rusty.

Who is Rusty?

I say good luck. Get free get out there and get going for the next one.

You again? You do not learn very well nor fast.

My Jag with 700,000 miles on it is a 1969 model, been in the family since new. It covered those miles in the first 10 years of its life and has been stored on jackstands the last 28 years.

Now try to find something else to spout off about and as usual be wrong.

Matt, regarding "Rusty" he gets confused VERY easily but at least he is over 200 posts now.

So they drove that poor thing ~200 miles a day, every single day, for 10 years?

Stallone?

LOL!!!

The other 99% that are in junkyards before they hit 100k might not. ;)

I bet you that if you went around and surveyed old jag owners what motor is in their car, the small block chevy transplanted jaguar is the most common.

When i was in my early 20s my old man bought one of those XJS V-12 Jags (it was about 1 yr old at the time). After owning it for a year- during which time it spent 9 months combined in the shop- he sold it. I learned my lesson about jaguars right then and there.

I like an XJ6 with a small block Chevy motor in it though. VERY common transplant. Those are nice.

Thom,

My Father and I were on the road sales reps for many years. Covered 17 states in the mid-west. There were many days that we drove 600 miles a day, then others it was more like 200 seeing customers. Average was 80-90,000 miles a year in the car. After I bought the car I drove it for 5 years then decided to go into a different field of work, and retired the car to storage where it sat for years while I was overseas.

M21,

Sorry to see that you are biased about this but unfortunately its biased in the wrong direction. Jags that are taken care of properly are just as reliable as any other car. The 1992 V-12 I have in my signature below has 140,000 miles on it and it looks like brand new everywhere. Its never been overhauled, painted or anything, just taken care of.

Yes there are some people who "lump" their Jags but it cuts the value in half and many of them have "teething problems" with them for a long time to come. Ask me, I owned one and sold it "as is, where is" due issues related to the "lumping" process. They are real ba$tard children as no one other than www.jag-lovers.org lumps division and a couple of aftermarkte parts places supports them.

Back to the separation topic...an update.

After a angry (her not me) phone call with her 2+ weeks ago about her space and boundaries, I ceased all contact: no calls, no visits to pub, no letters, texts, contacts w/mutual friends, etc. I literally dropped off the face of the earth.

I got a text last nite about 11:30 p.m.: "How are you?" I responded "Good. And you?"

I'm a slow text-er, but we texted back and forth about 45 minutes. I was polite but brief with my texts. Bottom line, she's doing OK considering, she's excited and also depressed over the girls leaving for college, exhausted from work, concerned about her mood changes, yadadadada. I offered to "listen and not lecture if she needed to talk. A newfound skill I'm paying a therapsit $150 to learn..LOL." She was too tired to talk then. I didn't press (my normal style to jump in and fix). She closed with "I love you and miss you." I responded "G'nite. Me too."


Not trying to read too much into this. As far as I'm concerned, I will continue to give her "space" and respect her "boundaries" for the time being. Girls will be gone to college this saturday. Will be interesting to see wht develops then.

Just my .02 but I think you did great with the no contact and the brief but polite texting episode.

Playing games isn't the object in love/marriage but you shouldn't get played, either.

I hope you've deduced by now that menopause is probably an active component to her craziness.

Good luck with that nonsense bro.

I am married, have been for 18 years. I don't have any new found skills, don't want nor do I need any.

If I pulled this crap, or my wife did, the sound of bye-bye would be deafening...and I really love my wife.

Totally agree, but as well agree with the stance you are taking with her. Give her some room but also keep planning just in case it does not work out.

Joe A

PS I would not let her know about the BMW wagon just yet. :)

Do not continue with this tactic. Running a relationship by email/text is a mistake and not a real relationship. It allows her to "be connected" and have you feel committed without any real work.

Talking should be done in person. Texting and email is just bs crap.

What he said. What r u guys, 14 r smthn?

+1 Jim,

I haven't really had anything experiential or worthwhile to add to this thread, but that description of your past two weeks sounds exactly what I did with my long-time GF for about three years. And she's in her 20s. Text message & email 'conversations' are not real. If you two can't get together and have some face time and figure out a plan, you're spinning your wheels and doing yourself a disservice.

Jim, you might want to get ahead of the game by getting a lawyer. If you know of one you don't want on the other side talk to her/him first. If you end up not needing one great. I am thinking its time to start looking forward and not back. Good luck.

Should had been Stallion

LOL

most short term marriage divorces do not require a lawyer.

Yep. My parents got divorced when my mom went through "the change". She went bat$h!t crazy and ended up buying a horse and running off with a guy fresh out prison...who eventually died in the bed of her pickup truck when he got VERY drunk and refused to be in the cab during a rain storm while driving from Colorado to Florida.

I'd swear that was a country song...