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go to your Dr..
I can't sleep.. feed the meds to her.. or take her hiking.. yeah I'm kidding.. I think..well maybe Rika |
It is now well past the time to move on ...that is all.
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I refuse to live my life on other peoples sadness...get a plan together, Mike. Kids are very resilient...mine know which grandpa sucks and which one doesn't because we told them and they understood, knew. I told Ron what I expected of him, he failed. Fade to black. Life is indeed short: happiness stretches it. |
Mike,
You are the only one who can make this decision but personally my gut tells me that its far past time. Save the kids, save yourself and get out. Either for good or for a short time period to make her realize what she is asking but staying in the middle of this is doing no one any good and hurting everyone involved. Talk with your and her family and explain what is going on and that you have to do something for the kids sake. Take some video of this happening (hope you have done so already) to back up your situation. |
This has been painful to read. Lube, from a man who's been happily married for twenty two years, I have to echo the common sentiment from this board - it's time to separate at the very least, if not divorce straightaway. Your wife's misery is ruining your life day by day, and you can't get those days back - they're gone forever. It's obvious to me that your wife is hugely unhappy and has somehow come to genuinely dislike you. Why endure that for the rest of your life? No one deserves to have their life ruined by someone else perpetual unhappiness.
Honestly man, it's time to get out. Your relationship with your wife is dysfunctional. |
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Good luck, if things don't get much much better, then the bright side is that you're next life will be idillic because you will have paid your dues in this one. I wish you all the best. |
I talked to the mom of the other bot and explained my position for not bringing him home - she was beyound cool with it and even thanked me for not bringing him home because that would have messed up there plans. So, the fight was over something that i did was right but she elected to think of it as an example of me being a jerk.
I told her that - in the heat of battle - she is ungrateful. Evrything we have is because of me and she has a great life save her vision. I ask nothing of her yet she still finds room to whine. I am really done. In the next few weeks I am going to try to sort out the child care issue and move forward with the separation and divorce. You all are right - life is too short. |
Save your children Lubey.
Then save yourself. This will be a tough road (divorce), but a necessary one for those two goals in this situation. God's strength to you. angela |
Mike,
I've purposely stayed out of this. I don't have much to add except that the most important thing is your children. Whatever you do, it should be focused on what is best for them. Only you can know what that is. James |
Mike, You know whats best. Its going to be rough the next few years, but you are a smart guy and will make it though just fine... Remember we are always here for you....
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That said, you have lasted a lot longer than most of us on the thread could have handled it. The last thing that any of us here want is for her to go futher downhill but she seems hell bent on dragging you and the kids with her on her journey down, and thats not acceptable. |
Our little one is being tested for the LEAP program at school - its some program they do for kids that are "gifted/talented". I am not so sure about it. I think all kids are gifted and talented but what ever. Our little one reads like a teenager and can crank out math answers with the likes of a 4th grader. She is only in 1st grade. Anyway she has another test today. Last night she came into her brothers room were we were watching the game. She said she just couldn't sleep - she was too excited. I finally put our Son down, went into the other room with her. She feel asleep in my arms as I finished watching the Cowboys game. I put her down in her bed. She makes her way into the guest room were I sleep and wakes me. She crawls into bed.
She was up most of the night thinking about school today. She said she was excited to take her LEAP test. I do not think it was nerves per se - she would had told me. Before a soccer game she tells me that her angels are in her belly trying to figuer out how they will help her in here game - "It just feels like nerves Dad because they are flying around inside there!". She was just really excited. She wanted to stay up and study for it. She was genuinely excited. I told her that getting to sleep would be the best way to prepare. It was worse than Christmas eve! She really is something. I hope she can stay awake for the test. In the morning Mommy comes up-stairs to wake her and finds her in the guest bed with me. "Why didn;t you come down to sleep with me? Are you a trader?" she joked. That was no joke. |
All other things aside, one of the lowest things on earth is using a child as a pawn for an adult argument. Good luck Mike, both to you and your family.
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Hey buddy,
Sorry to hear that things went back to bad for you guys. It will be a tough road going through with the decision to separate/divorce but you ALL will get through it. I still have to think about my divorce which was done 11 years ago. I was in bad shape for a while but I got through it with the support of my friends and family. It will be tougher as you have young 'ens but it will work out. As always, we are here for you and if you need to talk, I can PM you my phone number. I'm pretty sure that goes for most of the gang here at Pelican. Take care of yourself and hang on for the ride. Best wishes, my friend. Wayne |
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Lubey, i'm not commenting on who is right and wrong in your situation because we are only hearing 1/2 of the story and we didn't even pick up at the beginning. But the above quote, if applied with care, vigor, resolve and confidence, will guide you in the right direction. It is one thing to ***** to your friends about something and quite another to put the above quote into action. I know this because i did just such a thing. I complained, asked for help, and considered every possible explanation and option. In the end i trusted my own integrity and intuition regarding the person (not my wife thank goodness) and i put it on the line in no uncertain terms. I did so at great personal risk. A major situational change was made at my demand. Well guess what, EVERY single person involved (even the problem) is in a better spot now because of it. It's easy to apply this to coworkers and casual friends. But in my humble opinion it also applies to family. This is one of those concepts that, when mastered, makes you a better man. A man that much more worth knowing and looking up to. A man that your wife, in better times, would have jumped at without reservation and would have treated as an equal from the get go (i believe you mentioned the relationship has been somewhat out of balance from early on). Good luck in this and kudos for making the kids the center of your concerns. |
Well said/written, berettafan.
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I really think she is truely unbalenced. She is unwilling to get help. Yeasterday I was checking e-mails for her and there was one from a room mom for our little ones class. She was looking for a last volunteer to work some games on Friday. My wife asked if I responded to that request prior to wit I said yes yet our names were not on the list. She proceeded to jump all sorts of over me on how I can;t be trusted and how I don't care and bla bla bla. I told her it was a simple fix. I would just contact the women and ask if it would be OK for 2 more parents to join in. She thought that was an terrible idea. That would make the parent to kid ratio off balence - 19 kids to 5 parents is fine but 19 to 7 is too many parents. I failed to see the logic, wisdom or common sense in that arguement. She began to cry and hung up the phone on me.
I looked in my sent file and sure enough I sent the note last week to the other room mom who intially sent the request. I contacted the first room mom and she said 'of course you can join us - that would be great! Sorry for the confusion.' I came home to drive our Son to FB practice, I told her the situation and that it was resolved - no response. I did notice however that she re-arranged the office. Not sure why but she did proceed to pile all sorts of crap on top of the library table in the library which she knows is a pet peeve of mine. I didn;t say anything save 'office looks nice. Before I took our Son, he went into the bedroom to say goodbye to her. He saw that she was upset and she told him it was because I yelled at her. She themn asked him what his happy place was because she wanted to go there. He came out to the car and told me what went down. I asked him if he thought I yelled at her, his reply was "NO! You never yell at her. You should though..." "No buddy, she just has to work some stuff out. All will be fine in due time." |
i think that she's been given enough time to atleast begin to adjust. and she has no concept of not bringing the kids into the adults problems. I don't wanna put my foot in my mouth but it is extremely heartless to put the kids in the middle of the fight and to use them as a shield. i wouldn't be able to have the patience you have i would have tolled her to hit the bricks long ago when she started to bring the kids into it. i applaud your patience.
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He's not patient. Mike truely loves his wife.
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Bump fer ya mike.... It really wasn't that hard to find...
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We have had some serious ups and downs. At least once a week she has what many would consider a complete melt-down. The kids no longer get upset which is good and bad. They are understanding this better and are becoming 'tougher' from it but they still are affected. She has turned the corner at least at times she does. She snaps big over what most of us would consider trivial then she uses her lack of sight as a way to explain and justify her behavior.
It isn't always bad. We have had some fun times as a family. Both kids have become very affectionat to both of us and respond very favoraly when we show affection to each other. We have told them that we are trying to make this relationship work and that it is very difficult but we will make it work. Our lil one says 'I just want a normal family'. I tell her that there is no such thing. That every family has struggles. Some can't make ends meet, some parents drink too much while others hit each other. Everyone has a personal struggle. We just don't see others problems. We have a choice. Either we can buckle under the pressure or rise above it. Its a personal choice that we have to make and find the strength within. If I could make things different I would but I can't and we are all doing our best. They are amazing kids. |
Glad to hear there is some relief and understanding...especially for the children. Give it some time... she may come around. I havea minds eye view of saome old pics of the two of you during better times you posted (football/baseball game?). Kudos for your efforts.
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Glad to hear of the improvement! Glad to hear that you stuck with it when so many folks here were saying to call it quits.
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She has expressed interest in helping me coach our son's flag football team. He decided not to play on the select team and asked me if I would coach him and a bunch of his friends through the Y. I said yes. She knows more about football than all my friends combined. So she is now involved and so far she is pretty cool with it all. We have our first practice this weekend. I just have to keep telling myself to give her a voice and not to doninate. She knows all the boys and has a great realtionship with them. This should be interesting.
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Mike,
I haven't posted in this thread before, but have followed your progress. I just wanted to say that your strength and dedication to your wife and family is admirable. Good on you for staying the course. |
Mike, just the little bit of improvement on her part is reason to celebrate! SmileWavy
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At 4:30AM our Son comes down into our bedroom, she wakes up and starts in on him. The thing is he hates sleeping alone - the little guy (well he isn't so little - 11yrs old) really doesn't like being alone to begin with and nighttime brings about all sorts of anxiety. We have tried all sorts of things to help. Nothing seems to work very well. He will sleep through the night when I am on the road. When I am home he has a tough time. He wants one of us to be with him - normally me - mommy pretty much refuses. So I guess I enable?
She proceeds to tell him that all sorts of things are gonna happen because he won't sleep by himself - he is willing to be grounded, give up XBox and even not celebrate his birthday - he just doesn't want to be alone. Mommy doesn't get it. So this morning while I am getting ready for work she starts in on me telling me that it is just plain creepy that an 11yr old boy wants his parents to sleep with him and that if I do then that makes me a pedophile. Now normally if someone accused me of being a pedophile I would first consider the source then tell them to F off. I am a few things but that ain't one of them. She clearly has no clue about what is acceptable and not acceptable to say during a discussion or argument. So goes the story of my life - I guess there is no such thing as a fair fight? I tried to discuss this with her logically (oops, my bad, she can't really do that - it would require a conscience effort to actually apply reasonable thought with the endgain of a positive resolution). I told her that it was my opinion that he has a phobia of being alone as well as separation anxiety due to our relationship issues. He is scared plain and simple and wants to know that his mom and dad are close by. She wanted no part of that and told me that if I really thought that I better do some research and get him some counseling. Hello Pot, I'm Kettle - your black... |
I suspect with all the turmoil going on in his life and around him that counseling is the way to go. 11 year old children do not sleep with their parents IMO - you need to document his behavior because there are others that may twist things (your wife is one). You do not need a battle with children and youth services-guilty until proven innocent.
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With all due respect, an 11 yr old boy should not be sleeping with his parents.
Your wife is correct. Her methodology is the problem, in this case. I would like to congratulate you on your dedication to family. |
Mike,
I read through this thread and praise you for your dedication to the family and your wife. I didn't see the reasoning for the sight loss but was wondering if she had a head injury. A family member of mine had a stroke at 35 and she became a different person. Somethings good - somethings bad. One thing that happened to her was she lost her "filtering". She will say things that come to her mind without thinking how it may be received. She is oblivious to her bluntness. I do have to say she has gotten better over time but I still cringe once in a while in social settings with her now 13 years later. I hope the football coaching will bring you and her to being on the same side on a multiple of levels. |
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While I never would think you are a pedophile and it was a cheap shot by your wife, you're just wrong here, Lubey. You are setting a dangerous precedent for your son. In an effort to be honest with your kids about what's going on in you/wife's relationship, you (like my personality) want to be the fixxer and solve everybody's problems. You can't....and to a certain extent while honesty is a virtue you seem to be including the children with way too much info about your domestic problems. I understand its an effort to be positive and reassuring, but some things need to be addressed with you and wife and NOT the kids. Read on about a snippet from and article I found that summarizes the potential damage to child. I think you should have been dismissive to wife with her out of bounds remark and take child back to his own room and assure him you guys would be there in the morning but let him know he is too old to violate certaian boundaries. Co-Sleeping Is Bad for Older Children Too So what about co-sleeping for older children? Clearly there is no risk of suffocation for two or three-year-olds that can sleep in adult beds. I would suggest that parents who wish to let older children sleep with them, consider the message that they send to their children. Why do children want to sleep with their parents? Children are saying, "I need you for everything. I need you to get me dressed, to feed me, to take me places and to….sleep." The parent, by saying yes, says to the child, "That's right, you do. You can't do it alone. You will always need me to help you, even during the night. Twenty-four hours a day, I will be there." As parents, we want to always be there for our children. But in real life we can't be. By giving our children the message that they always need a parent, we set up a cycle that a parent cannot and should not live up to. One of the things we must teach our children is not just how to do things, but how to do things on their own. A young child does need his parents for eating, for clothing, for transportation and all basic needs. The one thing he does not need his parents for is sleeping. By allowing children to sleep on their own from a young age, we teach children something that is essential for growth - you are an individual - there are things you can do without a parent. Instead, I would encourage parents to do the following. Show your children love with hugs, kisses and warmth throughout the day. Hold them close. Allow them to cuddle up in your arms as you put them to sleep and run into your room in the morning for a good morning hug in your arms (and bed.) But let them know that because you love them, they need to learn to sleep alone. The above was in the context of 2-4 y.o.'s...not 11 y.o.'s. |
I'm a bit ambivalent on the co-sleeping issue. The highly-educated ( :roll: ) analysis above completely fails to consider cultural and living arrangements besides the typical American one (one-child-per room etc., parents sleep in a separate room, etc.). On the other hand my 4-year-old sleeps in his own bed--mommy and daddy get little enough time alone as it is. ;)
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get the kid a sleeping bag, It will give him the reassurance that mom and dad are close by but it wont be long before he gets sick of sleeping on the floor and goes back to his room. Dont let him sleep in your bed, its a bad habit and one that is very difficult to break.
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I agree with all. I spend most of my days fixing problems so naturally this is no different. I like the idea of developing Independence. That makes sense.
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Corrected my original post...should be "dismissive to wife about out of bounds pedophile remark and take child back to room with assurances"...
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-Z-man. |
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Family and business is a difficult balance sometimes. Good luck. |
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