How about an Engineer Joke thread?

[RWebb]

We already have a "How about a joke thread?" thread -- and an "Engineers are more likely to be terrorists" thread, so this seems like a binary-logical thread to start...

[red-beard]

A doctor, lawyer and engineer are being sent to the guillotine.

The doctor is put in the machine first. The executioner asks: "Do you want to be head up, or head down?" The doctor thinks for a second, deciding he would rather face his adversity, says "I will be head up.".

He is placed in the machine. The executioner is ready. The blade is released. It accelerates! And STOPS, one inch from the neck of the doctor.

Everyone looks around. This has never happened before. Maybe it is a sign from god, that the prisoner isn't guilty. A decision is made. The doctor is set free.

Next the lawyer is brought in. Again the question is asked: "Do you wish to be head up, or head down?" He thinks for a second, thinks about the doctor, and says "I'll be head up."

The blade is released. It accelerates! And again, it STOPS, one inch from the neck of the lawyer.

The lawyer screams out: "Based on the precedent of the doctor, you must also let me go free!". The executioners look at each other, perplexed, shrug their shoulders and let him go.

Finally, the engineer is placed in the machine. Again, he is asked if he would prefer to be head up, or head down. He thinks to himself, it worked for the other two guys. He says: "I'll be head up."

They lay him down. The engineer looks up!

"Hey! I think I see your problem..."

[Aurel]

[porsche4life]

I know an engineer thats a total joke... Does that count?

[onlycafe]

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must be in management."

"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

[GH85Carrera]

Probably the oldest engineer joke:

Do you know how to tell which engineer is the extrovert? He looks at your shoes not his own shoes when he is talking to you.

[DavidB911]

Originally Posted by onlycafe

A man is flying ...
You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

I do this all the time at work. I think it baffles people.

Originally Posted by GH85Carrera

Probably the oldest engineer joke:
Do you know how to tell which engineer is the extrovert? He looks at your shoes not his own shoes when he is talking to you.

Theres no need for eye contact.

[Danimal16]

An engineer / mathematician / physicist are all placed 8 feet from the woman.

The mathematician concludes that after N iterations there will be 8 divided by 2^N feet remaining which will never equal zero. With his calculations complete, the mathematician gives up.

The physicist, taking a copy of the mathematician’s calculations, examines them and declares that the calculations seem to be valid. In order to scientifically prove the validity of his and the mathematician's theory, the physicist, using his laboratory principles runs a simple experiment and proceeds to execute his way through the eight feet. Although immediately facing the woman the physicist concludes that although it may seem he has reached his destination, he theoretically is not at the woman’s location AND therefore the mathematician’s theory has been proved. The physicist than gives up.

The engineer says takes four steps toward the woman, declares “close enough” and leaves with the woman.

[cstreit]

An oldie but good one.

How do you hunt elephants?

MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left. Experienced mathematicians will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise. Professors of mathematics will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.

COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
1. Go to Africa
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west.
4. During each traverse pass:
a) catch each animal seen
b) Compare each animal caught to a known elephant
c) Stop when a match is detected.
Experienced COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate. Assembly language programmers prefer to execute Algorithm on their hands and knees.

ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.

ECONOMISTS don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.

STATISTICIANS hunt the 1st animal they see N times, and call it an elephant.

CONSULTANTS don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do. Operations Research Consultants can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.

POLITICIANS don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.

LAWYERS don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings. Software lawyers will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.

VICE PRESIDENTS of engineering, research, and development try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely pre-hunted before the vice president gets to see them. If the vice president does see a non-prehunted elephant, the staff will :
1. compliment the vice president's keen eyesight,
2. enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.

SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.

QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.

SALESPEOPLE don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens. Software salespeople ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant. Hardware salespeople catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as "Desktop Elephants"




ONE MORE:

A software engineer, hardware engineer and departmental manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes failed. The car careened out of control, bouncing off guard rails until it miraculously ground to a scraping halt along the mountainside. The occupants of the car were unhurt, but they had a problem. They were stuck halfway down the mountain in a car with no brakes.
"I know" said the manager. " Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and through a process of Continuous Improvement, find a solution to the critical problems and we'll be on our way."
"No," said the hardware engineer. "I've got my Swiss army knife with me. I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we'll be on our way."
"Wait," said the software engineer. "Before we do anything, shouldn't we push the car back to the top of the mountain and see if it happens again?"

[Joeaksa]

You guys need to get a life!

[Pazuzu]

Not an engineer joke per se, but a science joke...

A farmer wants to increase the milk production of his cows. He decides to use science to achieve this.

First, he goes to a biologist, and asks for help. The biologist goes off for 3 months, then contacts him.
"I can increase your milk production by 10% over 6 months by using enzymes and hormones."
The farmer thinks this is pretty good, but wants a few more options.

Now, the farmer goes to a chemist, and makes the same request. The chemist comes back 1 month later...
"I can increase milk production 15% in 3 months by using newer chemical pasteurization methods to reduce waste".
The farmer is naturally quite impressed, but wants to cover all of his bases

He goes to a physicist with the same request.
The physicists calls him back 15 minutes later...
"I can increase milk production 200% instantly."

The farmer is amazed! "How can you possibly do that??"





"Well, first we assume the cow is a sphere..."

[ZOO]

An English professor and a history professor were trying to determine the height of the school's flagpole. An engineer comes along, and asks what they are doing. They explain their dilemma; and in response, the engineer pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it down, and measures it.

5.5 metres, he says, walking away.

To which the English professor responds: "That's the problem with engineers. You ask them for the height, and they give you the length"

[HarryD]

Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference.

At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant.

"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.

They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them.

Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please".

The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.

The conductor took it and moved on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).

When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all.

'How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.

When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby.

The train departed.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding.

He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please".

[Seahawk]

I am from a family of engineers, married one and have one budding prospect. I am, however, not one. So,

Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey, nice bike! Where did you get it?" "Well'" replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young co-ed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all her clothes and says, "You can have ANYTHING you want." "Good choice," says the first, "Her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway!"

[vash]

seahawk, that is my favorite of all time..

[vash]

i tell my wife, her hair is "nice and parallel" all the time.

gets her all hot.

[porsche4life]

And thats why I am not going to engineering school... I woulda taken the Coed... Right then and there....

[1990C4S]

You might be an engineer if …

… choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or upgrading your RAM is a moral dilemma.

… you take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room.

… in college you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.

… the salespeople at the local computer store can’t answer any of your questions.

… at an air show you know how fast the skydivers are falling.

… you bought your wife a new CD-ROM drive for her birthday.

… you can type 70 words per minute but can’t read your own handwriting.

… you comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.

… you sit backwards on the Disneyland rides to see how they do the special effects.

… you have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.

… you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.

… you know what http:// stands for.

… you look forward to Christmas so you can put the kids’ toys together.

… you see a good design and still have to change it.

… you spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring.

… you still own a slide rule and know how to use it.

… your laptop computer costs more than your car.

… your wife hasn’t the foggiest idea of what you do at work.

… you’ve already calculated how much you make per second.

… you’ve tried to repair a $5 radio.

[1990C4S]

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you that I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week, and that I'll do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend; but a talking frog, now that's cool.

[1990C4S]

And my personal favourite:


Q: What do engineers use for birth control?

A: Their personalities.