Sigh...another blip on my relationship with menopausal wife thread

[Dueller]

OK, guys...you have been a source of sanity, perspective and even humor as I go thru my domestic foibles. Things have improved dramatically...perhaps I should just enjoy the ride for what its worth. But you know me...I want to make everything perfect

I don't attribute everything to the wife's "change"...I can be a bear to live with, no doubt. And I worked very hard to deal with my own issues...to a modicum of success.

The problem I'm dealing with now is my wife's apparent lack of insight as to things that she does that frustrate me...things I feel the need to address and resolve. She is often dismissive or deflects my concerns. Yet she is convinced I am the source of all her anger and hostility and depression. When I press her and give concrete examples of of other things that affect her mood/actions/depression (i.e., hormone induced mood swings, problems at her business, physical ailments,stc) she cannot get past the fact I am not responsible for these preferring to blame me entirely for her attitude/depression.

Weird. How do you deal with someone who won't accept their own responsibility for their contributions to problems in the relationship? Ignore them? Hammer away with logic? Force the issues? Withdraw and hope that this too shall pass? Become absorbed in your own world? Let her stew in her own funk? Fess up constantly to your own shortcomings in the hopes she will see hers?

In my wife's defense, she has really made an effort to be more positive, attentive and loving. She's even making an effort to throw that cat on me with regularity. But it just seems such an effort for her.

Perhaps I want too much out of a marriage. Maybe I should just sit back and take what I get.

Thanks for letting me vent. Thankfully this latest "crisis" is not nearly a severe as past episodes.

[legion]

Originally Posted by Dueller

How do you deal with someone who won't accept their own responsibility for their contributions to problems in the relationship?

Um, this is the prime dilemma with women.

You can:

1) Decide (sex + crazy) > (no sex + no crazy).

2) Drink heavily.

3) Try to apply logic, and end up being driven insane.

4) Combination of above.

[Dueller]

Originally Posted by legion

Um, this is the prime dilemma with women.

You can:

1) Decide (sex + crazy) > (no sex + no crazy).

2) Drink heavily.

3) Try to apply logic, and end up being driven insane.

4) Combination of above.

Very funny and insightful....That's why I come to this place

[oldE]

Jim,

"Try to apply logic" ??????

Seriously my friend: that is the last thing you want to do. You are not arguing a case before the courts.

The best thing you can do is let her know you can see how much all the changes in her life are upsetting her and you are deeply concerned.

You cannot 'fix' this thing. You can support her and help see her through.

A sense of humor and compassion will be your greatest tools.

Good luck.
Les

[porsche4life]

Jim the more I read the more I think I should just stick to the single lifestyle....

[Dueller]

Old e...you been peeking in my bedroom...I get the "DON"T LAWYER ME" rant all the time. Trying my damndest to not do that.

You are a wise sage, my friend...good advice.

[red-beard]

Jim,

This sounds like a lot of American women, and American people for that matter, from the "me" generation. I expect she is a boomer.

My ex-wife was like this, nothing was every her fault. She was always the wronged person, always. In any argument, if she was losing, she'd change the subject to something she thinks she can win. ("We don't have the money to spend on that" - "We'll you spent money like that with your first wife", etc).

Without psychotherapy, that is not going to change. Now, take same attitude, and apply it to the three (or four) way relationship with her daughters. It fits. The daughters are fine, Jim is just wrong.

I actually think you're narrowing down on what the real relationship issue is here.

[Dueller]

Originally Posted by porsche4life

Jim the more I read the more I think I should just stick to the single lifestyle....

For the time being and at this life stage, its a wise position, Sid.

[targa911S]

Originally Posted by oldE

Jim,

"Try to apply logic" ??????

Seriously my friend: that is the last thing you want to do. You are not arguing a case before the courts.

The best thing you can do is let her know you can see how much all the changes in her life are upsetting her and you are deeply concerned.

You cannot 'fix' this thing. You can support her and help see her through.

A sense of humor and compassion will be your greatest tools.

Good luck.
Les

As a guy who has survived you situation. I could not have given any better advice than this.

Oh and get a hobby, it's gonna be a while.

[HardDrive]

My take: Woman are all nuts. Yes, including my wife who I love dearly.

Their brains do not operate anything like a male brain. Thus, I've given up trying.

A) You wifes drive for the bedroom is way less than yours. Its nice that she making an effort in the that department. Tell her so.

B) Don't get mad. It throws up her defenses. Use logic. It does work. But you have to be calm about it. If she doesn't buy it just say, "Well, I'm pretty sure I'm right about this, and I think if you look at it closely you will see that. But thats up to you, so lets just drop it, ok?"

[Rikao4]

as others have said..
you approach many things like a 'lawyer'
facts,data...real & true info..

your client ..the serial killer..
why are you picking on me...?
I didn't do anything..

it gets better D..
sadly you will have gone insane..

Rika

[Moses]

Originally Posted by Dueller

I press her and give concrete examples of of other things that affect her mood/actions/depression i.e., hormone induced mood swings

WTF, Jim!

Rule #1... Don't poke the bear with a stick if you're in the cage.

[Por_sha911]

Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?
I have found that whenever my wife and I start to argue I stop and say as sincerely as I can "You know, now that I think about it, you are probably right" She laughs knowing that I just gave in without agreeing but the point is she's laughing instead of yelling. It diffuses the situation and most times, she will back off and admit I may have a point. It sure beats sleeping on the couch.
1 Joe 1:1 "When momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy"

[Dueller]

Originally Posted by HardDrive

Don't get mad. It throws up her defenses. Use logic. It does work. But you have to be calm about it. If she doesn't buy it just say, "Well, I'm pretty sure I'm right about this, and I think if you look at it closely you will see that. But thats up to you, so lets just drop it, ok?"

This may be my new mantra...thanks, HD

[Super_Dave_D]

Originally Posted by Dueller

She's even making an effort to throw that cat on me with regularity. But it just seems such an effort for her.

Who wants that???? If mine isn't into it - I dont want it! Its OK if shes acting - just as long as I dont know it

[Dueller]

Originally Posted by Por_sha911

I have found that whenever my wife and I start to argue I stop and say as sincerely as I can "You know, now that I think about it, you are probably right" She laughs knowing that I just gave in without agreeing but the point is she's laughing instead of yelling. It diffuses the situation and most times, she will back off and admit I may have a point.

Another new mantra

[Gogar]

I don't know much,

But I know that ANY time you spend trying to explain to a woman why she's WRONG about ANYTHING is

Wasted time. At any age.

[Dueller]

Originally Posted by Super_Dave_D

Who wants that???? If mine isn't into it - I dont want it! Its OK if shes acting - just as long as I dont know it

Agreed...but the effort comment applies to all facets. Come to think of it she has initiated the cat throwing with self-interest when we are getting along...which of late has been more often than not. So if she's faking I'm not gonna push it

[Dueller]

Originally Posted by Gogar

I don't know much,

But I know that ANY time you spend trying to explain to a woman why she's WRONG about ANYTHING is

Wasted time. At any age.

Thanks, Gogar....how come I read that quote in a Forrest Gump accent/cadence

[m21sniper]

"Perfect is the enemy of good enough."
~Kelly Johnson