Friday Joke

[M.D. Holloway]

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.

She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am

'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself.. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.

Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't' she says.

'I was behind you at McDonalds

[Bill Douglas]

[Tidybuoy]

tats funny!

[herr_oberst]

A California transplant, new to Portland, can't believe it when she wakes up to yet another day of rain.

Leaving her house, she sees a boy on his bike.

"Hey, kid" she calls out.

"Doesn't it ever stop raining here?"

"How should I know?" answers the kid.

"I'm only six!"

[craigster59]

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign:
cheese sandwich $3.50

chicken sandwich $4.50

handjob $5.00

He pulls out his wallet, looks in it and asks the cute bartender "Are you the one who gives the handjobs?"
"Sure am!" she says and smiles demurely.
He replies "Well then wash your friggen' hands and make me a cheese sandwich!"

[Racerbvd]

Robotic Bartender




Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender.
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini."
The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's
your IQ?"
The guy says, "168".
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and
medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar.
The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini".
Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says,
"What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "100."
The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere
tractors.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try
it one more time.
He goes back into the bar.
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini", and the robot brings him another great
martini..
The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "Uh, about 50."
The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you people still happy you
voted for Obama?"

[HarryD]

Nothing going right?

A little guy is sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as the little guy bursts into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, " I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy.

"I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting, and my Boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car stolen and I don't have any insurance, I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me.

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all ..

I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then a wise ass like you shows up and drinks the whole thing!"

[speeder]

Did you hear that they did the first human penis transplant?










The guy's hand rejected it.

[Racerbvd]

A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small step ladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.

"Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"

Surprised-and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.

"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them."

Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request. The midget reaches out, gets a mighty grip on the man's balls, and says, "Okay, hand over your wallet or I'll jump!"

[GWN7]

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation

and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that

whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6

children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold

another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary.



A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the

clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more

it could potentially cost.



After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair

and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as

he gives us'.



Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady

struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a

gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'



The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'

[M.D. Holloway]

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?" "The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career".

[Noah930]

What do a puppy and a near-sighted gynecologist have in common?






They both have wet noses.

[Racerbvd]

The blue pigeon


The mayor of Phoenix was very worried about a plague of pigeons in Phoenix. He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of Phoenix was full of pigeon poop. The people of Phoenix could not walk on the sidewalks, or drive on the roads. It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and sidewalks clean.

One day a man came to City Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition. 'I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without any cost to the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions, or you can pay me one million dollars to ask one question.


The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition.

The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall, opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue Arizona sky. All the pigeons in Phoenix saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in the air behind the blue pigeon. The Phoenix pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew southward out of the city.

The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man atop City Hall.

The Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous feat to rid Phoenix of the plague of pigeons.


Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor presented him with a check for 1 million dollars and told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the
1million just to get to ask ONE question.


The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his ONE question.

Do you think the Mayor is going to ask how the blue pigeon led all the pigeons away?

Do you think the Mayor is going to ask where all the pigeons went?

Do you think He is going to ask where the man got the blue pigeon?

Nooooooo!

The mayor asked:

"You wouldn't happen to have a blue Mexican would you?"

[cstreit]

I lost the trivia contest at the church social last night by one point. The last question was:

"Where do most women have curly hair?"


Apparently the correct answer is: Africa.

[M.D. Holloway]

Top Ten Country Western Songs.

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But
Mine

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With
an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll
Know It's Me

7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's
Improvin'

6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight
'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win

5. I'm So Miserable Without You
It's Like You're Still Here

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best
Friend And I Miss Him

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the
Finger

2. She's Lookin' Better with
Every Beer

And the Number One Country & Western
song is...


1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips
At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day

[sammyg2]

A man came home from work and his wife tells him she wants breat augmentation surgery. he smiles and says, how much does that cost?
She said about $10,000.
He stops smiling and tells her they can't afford that.
She shows an obvious look of disappointment when he says he has an idea.

"every night before you go to bed, take a big wad of toilet paper and rub it up and down between your breasts".
She asks, " will that make my breats bigger?"

He says "I don't see why not, it sure worked on your butt!"

[KevinP73]

Originally Posted by Racerbvd

The blue pigeon


The mayor of Phoenix was very worried about a plague of pigeons in Phoenix. He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of Phoenix was full of pigeon poop. The people of Phoenix could not walk on the sidewalks, or drive on the roads. It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and sidewalks clean.

One day a man came to City Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition. 'I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without any cost to the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions, or you can pay me one million dollars to ask one question.


The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition.

The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall, opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue Arizona sky. All the pigeons in Phoenix saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in the air behind the blue pigeon. The Phoenix pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew southward out of the city.

The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man atop City Hall.

The Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous feat to rid Phoenix of the plague of pigeons.


Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor presented him with a check for 1 million dollars and told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the
1million just to get to ask ONE question.


The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his ONE question.

Do you think the Mayor is going to ask how the blue pigeon led all the pigeons away?

Do you think the Mayor is going to ask where all the pigeons went?

Do you think He is going to ask where the man got the blue pigeon?

Nooooooo!

The mayor asked:

"You wouldn't happen to have a blue Mexican would you?"

ENCORE...ENCORE.....

[widebody911]

What do gynecologists and pizza delivery boys have in common?

They can sniff it, but they can't eat it...

[GH85Carrera]

Originally Posted by LubeMaster77

Top Ten Country Western Songs.

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But
Mine

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With
an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll
Know It's Me

7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's
Improvin'

6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight
'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win

5. I'm So Miserable Without You
It's Like You're Still Here

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best
Friend And I Miss Him

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the
Finger

2. She's Lookin' Better with
Every Beer

And the Number One Country & Western
song is...


1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips
At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day

My favorite country song title:

I got tears in my ears from laying on my back
crying over you!

[911Rob]

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options.

One was an Alcoholic, one was a Chain-Smoker, and one was a Homosexual.

The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices
one more time, you will surely die."

The men left the doctor's office; each convinced that he would never again indulge
himself in his vice.

While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed
a bar.

The Alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself.
His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No
sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold
dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must
take the doctor's words.

As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still
burning.

The Homosexual looked at the Chain-Smoker and said, "You know if you bend over
to pick that up, we're both dead."