As screwed up as a soup sandwich.

Doesn't know crap from apple butter.

Hard as a wedding ****.

Looks like she was rode hard and put a way wet.

The smell would knock a buzzard off a gut-wagon.

Slier than a schitt-house rat.

Doesn't know if his a-hole is punched or bored.

Fooked up as a football bat.

Slicker than snot on a glass doorknob.

So horny even the crack of dawn looks good.

Slicker than 2 eels screwing in a bucket of snot.

Tighter than dick's hat band.

Luckier than a 2 d***ed dog.

Up s*** creek in a screen bottom canoe.

"deader than a door nail"

- that one never made sense to me

- I'll see if I can reach back to my youth for some other old Louisiana sayin's but these come to mind immediately:

as nervous as a Yankee in a pirogue

comme ci, comme ca (so so)

jus' a lil' ol' john boat (thank you for complementing my fine watercraft; I demur from boasting)

makin' groceries (shopping for groceries)

where y'at (how are you?)

dress it up; dress it up all de way (I would like all the additions on my po-boy please)

neutra' groun' - neutral ground (the grassy median in a blvd. - comes from that being the neutral area between the French and the hated newcomer yankees in the 1800's)

yankee - a white person who is neither Creole nor Cajun; most live north of Opelousas but have been infiltrating for centuries now; I once introduced myslef at a seminar at "Cajun U." by saying "I'm just a yankee from Baton Rouge"

she's having a hissy fit

and, the more extreme form - a screamin' hissy fit

pick up your room (clean up your room, put things away)

Three possibilities:

The classic “Door nail” was a large headed nail placed directly under a door’s knocker. The doornail is the thing you strike when you hammer up and down on a door’s knocker.

Possibility One:
The doornail is “dead” because it’s had its head hammered on so many times. Mildly amusing today – but meaningful in medieval times – we know that the pope and various royalty were actually hammered on their heads with silver hammers upon their death to make sure they were actually dead, not just unconscious.

Possibility Two:
The Doornail (getting so much abuse) often worked its way loose. To prevent this, the pointy end, on the other side of the door, was hammered down flat (called clinching – i.e. you have heard of “clinching a deal”, etc). This nail couldn’t be removed or re-used; it was therefore “dead”.

Possibility Three:
The last physical doorway you go through is your coffin. Your coffin “Door” (lid) is hammered tight with nails. [Note that coffins lids are usually hinged on one side, just like doors!] So these coffin nails could also be called “door nails” and anybody on the other side of them was very dead indeed.

thx - all 3 make sense!

I was in college (Up nawth) before I figured out what the following really were:

brim (bream, a member of the sunfish family)

sac o' lay (lait) - lit. bag of milk; most likely a gravid female fish

mel-e- ton = mirliton, actually called chayote by the rest of the world (who also do not realize you are supposed to pack them full of shrimp & crab)

mud dauba' (dauber) - a type of wasp

Nuttier'n squirrel turds.

One of the two (corrupt as hell and dumb as rocks) candidates for gov. here in GA tried to bring in the blue collar vote by having a few men dressed as farmers eating a down-home breakfast around a table. One of them said, "Like two rabbits pissing on a bale of cotton" and I still have yet to figure out its meaning.

"If my grandmother had wheels, she would be a bicycle"...

Beaten like a rented mule.

Regarding a bad salesman: Can't close a door.

chicken. so many uses.

Dumber than dirt.
Smoother than a gravy sandwich.
Busier than a one-armed paper hanger.
Busier than a one-legged man at a snake stomping contest. (a fellow in TX gave me this one. I don't know what a snake stomping contest and I don't want to find out).
Hotter than a two dollar pistol.

When we moved to the south I was told that you don't "have" a hissy fit, you pitch a hissy fit.

as useless as a screen door on a submarine.

Busier than a one-legged man at an ass kicking contest.

"It's like a sore dick, can't beat it"

"Busier than a whore on dollar day"

As loyal as "Sniper"! :rolleyes:

(Ha ha Bill)

A former co-worker was famous for mixing metaphores. The office favorite was overheard while he was talking to a client about diversification. "You don't want to put all your eggs on one horse." There were many, many more.

"you can lead a gift horse to water, but you can't look in his mouth" and "don't count your chickens before they cross the road." (Archie Bunker)

" She had a body that would make a bishop kick out a stained glass window."
Raymond Chandler, I think.

Beat you like a red-headed stepchild
Excuse the pig and let the hog walk in
That would gag a maggot
I beat it like it stole something
someone belches, Did you get any on ya ?

Your car handles like a labrador on linoleum

(...all over the place)

"If it's got tits or tires it's going to be trouble."

Does a cat have a climbing gear ?

Gota piss like a Russian race horse
Shes built like a brick sh#thouse

Referring to a homely individual-

Fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down(accompanied by the slapping the palm and back of one hand on the other palm motion), ugly as a mud fence

For the not too bright

Dumb as a sack of hammers, few cans short of a six pack, not the sharpest pencil in the box

'The supreme paradox of all thought is its attempt to discover something that thought cannot think.'

'As sweet as 2AM on Prom night.'

'Even damnation is poisoned with rainbows.'

'If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make something out of you.'

'Tighter than a ducks arse...and thats water tight.'

'If it doesn't kill me it will make me stronger.'

'If you come to a fork in the road, take it.'

'You can lead a horse to water but that doesn't make him a duck.'

'The difference between Prime Rib and Roadkill is perspective.'

'All cats are gray in the dark.'

'One mans b*tch is another mans.'

'Praise the Lord now pass the apple sauce.'

'The person you thought you were is always better then the one you were.'

'and if wishes were horses beggers would ride...'

'No man is an Isle, no one goes his way alone. What you do to the lives of others comes back into your one.'

'Anticipation supersedes reality.'

'Ontogeny Recapitulates Phylogeny.'

'I never had a beer I couldn't drink or a whore thats wasn't worth at least 2 shillings.'

'if your not bleeding, bruised or sore you didn't play hard enough or f*ck long enough.'

You can take the trash outta the trailer, but you can never get the trailer outta the trash.....

'Give enough rope for him to hang himself and he will.'

'If physics is the science of pushing matter around; politics is the science of pushing people around.'

'Opinions and flatulence are best aired in private.'

'Even when she is wrong she is right.'

Politics is like saying, "Nice Doggie", until you can find a rock big enuff to brain the bastard.

She sooo ugly, make a freight train take a dirt road.

She has a face like a bulldog chewing on a wasp.

Busier than a one armed paper hanger

"couldn't pull greasy strings out of a cat's butt"

"she's having a come-apart"

"pulled a gunyon cord"

"it's fixin' to rain like a big ol' cow pissin' on a flat rock"

"he's so smart he's like rat turds - sharp at both ends"

"slicker than a peeled onion"

My favorite for many years:

Like a broke & horny whore on Friday night, ready for anything.

She has an ass like two sea bags full o' paint chippers.