Sorry don't feed the bulldog!

Some good one here!

Here's mine

"He's a few clowns short of a circus"

'More F**k'd up than a soup sandwich."

'More F**k'd up than a N*ggr's checkbook.' (not mine but hear it a bunch down South)

'I don't know if I should ***** or go bowling.'

'I'll F*ck next Tuesday out of you!'

'I'm gonna beat you like you owe me money!'

'Beats being dragged by the balls down a dirt road but not by much.'

'Not bad for a boy from Oklahoma...'

'The only excuse that makes any sorta sense is that he is from Louisiana.'

That chick is sweatin' me like a two dollar hooker with a buck-fifty rebate!

Does a one legged duck swim in a circle?

Harder than woodpecker lips.

Harder than a $50 jaw breaker.

She looks like a sack of antlers. (too skinny.)
Finer than frog fur. (good looking)
Queer as a football bat. (flaming gay)
On it like a starving Chihuahua on a hot pork chop. ( very enthusiastic)

More nervous than a cat in a room full of rocking chairs!

Big Hat, no cattle.

I guy that wants you to think he is a big time player but he is really just a broke BS artist.

I dont give a rats a$$
He so dumb he couldnt fal out of a tree
slicker than owls $h-T
ugly as hell (?)
hungry as a mutha ****a

Couldn't pull a nail out of my arse with a D9 tractor (uptight).

Like sticking a wet noodle up a wildcat's arse.

Clear as mother's milk.

roughing up the suspect (self-gratification).

she puts on her belt with a boomarang.

Dryer than a popcorn fart.

It's raining like a cow pissin on a flat rock

sharp as a beach ball

She didn't get hit with an ugly stick, they used the whole tree.

And the all-time classic:
Iffn my dog had a face like that I'd shave his arse and teach him to walk backward.

She's so ugly even the tide won't take her out.

I feel higher than a Georgia pine.

Hotter than a freshly farked fox in a forest fire.

She/he has kind hair........................ the kind that grows on a burro's butt

Like trying to pick the fly-schit from the pepper with boxing gloves

Does the pope schit on the Catholics?

I'm gonna beat you like a soapy dlck

Try out some of the Aussie slang expressions sometime for some wonderful stuff...

Panel beater means auto body shop

Away with the pixies means daydreaming

Chuck a wobbly means pitch a fit or throw a tantrum

Go for a slash in the dunny means go take a pi$$

Shouting at mermaids = seasick

I said this to a spry old gentleman I know:

"I hope I'm as young as you are when I get to be your age."

Happier than a fly at a ****e fight.

Are the Kennedys fly shy? [as opposed to gun]

Surprisingly not mentioned yet..... do wild bears wipe their butts with rabbits?

One i retained from my father, & used everytime someone says "I wish we had that!". [tools, parts, anything really].. You can only F##k with the c##k you have got!

If brains was dynamite, that sucker couldn't blow his nose.

Couldn't organize a piss-up in a brewery.

If brains were cotton, he couldn't Kotex a flea.

Soft as walkin' barefoot on an acre of tits.

Knocked around like a meat-filled Pinata at a Pit Bull party.

Heard down south:

I'm on that like a hobo on a soup sandwich

and another:

Excuses are like a$$ h0les, everyone has one but no one wants to hear it.

I'd bang that like a screen door in a hurricane.

He's an fairly balanced guy - has a chip on both shoulders.

Why don't yah take a flying fuch in a rolling doughnut!

Horny as a 3 pecker rooster

As worthless as tits on a nun (repost?)

Simple yet effective: $hit fer brains

Dumb as a stump

Elbow-head, knuckle head-$hit head

You couldn't hit water if you fell out of a boat!

When it rains, the "mud" hits the fan.

here's a nice criss-crossed one:

does the Pope shlt in the woods?

sometimes followed by:
are bears Catholic?

Another one heard down south:

I'm all over it like Tiny Tim on a Christmas ham.

and

He couldn't hit the broad side of a barn.

My favorite:

Sharp as a marble.




'

Oh, but there was at one time a legitimate three dollar bill.
it pictured Santa Claus.

=
==
There was, in fact, a legitimate $3 bill with Santa Claus featured on it. This was in a time when individual banks or states issued their own currency, during the 1850's. Some of the banks who issued the bill were: Howard Banking Company of Boston, the Central Bank of Troy, the Pittsfield Bank, White Mountain Bank, St. Nicholas Bank of Manhattan, and the Central Bank of NYC in 1852. And it was legal tender!
===

sweating like a whore in church

so stupid ya cant find your butt with both hands

Cold as Witches tit in brass brassier
Nervous as a long tail cat in room full of rockers
Nervous as a whore in church
Nervous as a pig in a sausage facctory
Scared s__tless
Ugly as homeaid sin
\I'll be on you like white on rice
So coonass you can look at a rice feild and know how much gravy it takes to cover it
SO stupid could poor piss out of a boot if instructions were on the bottom
So broke aint even got a window to throw it out of
Sore as a 2 bit whore that had a $100 night
So ugly could scare the stink off a gut wagon
Tight as dicks hatband,
So tight could crap out a diamond

Up to my elbows in alligators
Beat you like a red headed russian step child
Gotta pee like a Russian race horse on steriod
Refering to working hard, "nothing but elbows and a__oles"
Speaking about trying to get out of trouble or somthing said "Stop your damn crawfishin'"
Cause a preacher to loose his religon
Enought to piss off a preacher

Here in this area of SC, it is hotter than any other spot in the southeast most days. Here people say

Columbia is the backdoor to Hell

Couldn't drive a needle up their ********* with a sledge hammer.

(Heard on Mark and Brian)

Seems like a ton of analogies have a certain personality type in them so I've come up with a new one:
As frequent as a whore analogy.

More excuses than carters got pills.

Like trying to push a rope.(ED)

So bucktooth he/she could eat an acre of corn through a picket fence.

That'll go over like a turd in the punchbowl.

"...like a fiddler on a roof"

The whole nine yards
Blood out of a turnip
Clear as mud
Not the sharpest tool in the shed
Dressed to the nines
This is a real S#!t show
Dumb as dirt