Sil

[legion]

My sister-in-law graduated from U of I in 2002 with a degree in psychology. Shortly after, she started dating Tony. By 2006 things were getting serious, everyone was expecting an engagement.....and they broke up. Tony's mother (a realtor) had picked out a house for them, that was conveniently across the street from her. My SIL said no dice, we pick out a house together or I don't move in, he ended the relationship.

Shortly after that, my SIL started dating Chuck. Chuck was the classic rebound relationship: the first thing that came along. My SIL is a big girl and she has anxiety about being alone, so she tends to settle rather than take the time to find what she wants.

Chuck is impulsive and uneducated. He's not a bad guy, but he doesn't really understand how the world works and he tries to make up for it by making things up to sound intelligent. Chuck had VERY bad credit when he and my SIL started dating, but blamed it on his recent divorce. Plausible, but Chuck also exhibited no understanding of how money works (more on that later).

Three months into dating, my SIL and Chuck were engaged. A year after that, they were married. They've been married for almost three years now.

About two years ago, Chuck up and decided he wanted to rejoin the National Guard. Chuck had been in previously, hadn't gotten the MOS he wanted (I suspect he didn't test well for whatever it is he wanted to do), and complained until he got discharged. He was in for a whopping 6 months previously. So now, to rejoin, he had to serve out his previous 3½ commitment PLUS a new 4 year commitment. Shortly thereafter Chuck was sent through basic, some more training, and shipped to Afghanistan. He did about 8 months there, another 2 months on various bases, and has been home for about 6 months.

Chuck can't hold down a job. In the 4ish years I've known him, he has been a diesel mechanic, a bicycle technician, an admissions advisor for an online college, a tech at a performance tuning shop, on active deployment, an HVAC installation guy, a bicycle tech again, a diesel mechanic again, and now does cabinet installation. Somewhere between 3-6 months on a job, he decides either he doesn't like the people he's working with or he should be promoted to a much higher position. Either way, he quits in disgust.

Chuck has no concept of money. He thinks if there is money in the checking account, it is free to spend. My SIL has had to get a separate checking account so that she can set aside money for rent and bills. Chuck spends his whole paycheck usually on the day he gets it. Chuck brought home a $5,000 BMX bike from the bike shop once, and as far as I know, is still yet to ride it. He once bought a $1,200 cat tree (took up an entire room) at a pet store. He buys a new car every six months and just rolls the old loan balance into the new car loan, while taking a massive bath on the trade-in value of the "old" car. He's impulsive and doesn't understand budgeting or saving.

Last month, Chuck decided to move to Indianapolis. His story is that his father beat up a cop (plausible story, his father is a violent drunk) and the cop is in a coma. Because he shares the same name as his father, he fears it causing him trouble. Okay, that makes some sense...but he also claims that if the cop in question dies, the polices will issue a "shoot on sight" order for his father, and he fears for his life because of their common name. This is Chuck making stuff up to sound intelligent.

So my SIL is staying behing in Aurora to wrap up the lease on their apartment, Chuck is staying with friends in Indy. Because Chuck ran up such a huge bill on the cruise last week (and because my SIL has trouble putting her foot down with Chuck--a problem she has with no one else), my SIL has no taken a second job to pay off the credit card debt.

The writing on the wall is pretty clear at this point. My SIL is going to find herself very unhappy and working her tail off to keep up with her husband's spending. I'm not sure when she will decide that she wants out, but I'm pretty sure it will happen at some point. It will probably come when Chuck finally buys something that my SIL can't forsee getting out from under. She wants to buy a house and has tried to save, but keeps having to wipe out her savings to cover his spending.

I feel bad for my SIL, but I also know she is full of pride. A lot of people warned her about Chuck before her marriage, and she will do anything to prevent them from being right. Like I said, Chuck isn't a bad guy, he's not malicious and he doesn't cheat, but he does abuse my SIL in a way just the same.

[GH85Carrera]

Life sucks when one makes bad descisions in life.

I am wondering, if she is your SIL was she once married to a brother of yours? Does that make her an ex-SIL?

[silverc4s]

This is your wife's sister I take it? I have a very similar tale in my family, although the SIL has been married to deadbeat druggie for 30+ years, they have three grown children & the story just goes on.
Not much you can/should do except be supportive to those you care about.

Good luck,

[M.D. Holloway]

Must be your wife's sister?

Chuck sounds like a classic idiot - the world is full of them and sadly he will never change. The best that will happen is that he will continue on the same path - the worst is that he will end up dead because he is so stupid - but chances are he will find himself in jail or homeless. Best for SIL to quickly and quietly distance herself from him.

[stomachmonkey]

You could not tell my sister a thing either.

She'd hit herself in the head with a hammer till the end of time as long as you keep telling her it's a bad idea.

She was dating this azzhole Joe, Mr Cardboard we used to call him.

He'd come to my mothers house, walk in without even saying hello, eat at the table, never offer to help clean up or even say thank you.

Finally my mother says to sis, "He is not welcome here. If you want to keep dating him that's fine. When he comes to pick you up he waits outside the front door. This is the last time we will mention it"

Less than a month later Joe was gone because it was my sisters decision made without outside influence.

[pwd72s]

Guys aren't the only humans to think with their crotch...

[legion]

Wife's sister, yes.

And no, I won't say a word unless asked, and she won't ask.

On one level, I could care less. On another level, I'm frustrated because my wife is frustrated. And on a third level, I still have to spend a lot of time with this guy at family functions. My wife and I's decision to fly to New Orleans for the cruise was mostly made by the fact that the alternative was driving for 16 hours in the same car as this guy. And we knew they couldn't afford to fly.

I love my SIL. We have a good big brother/little sister type of relationship and get along well. But I also realize she is not my sister and it is not my place to get in the middle of this. I treat Chuck well, but I watch him like a hawk because I don't trust him.

Two more interesting tidbits: Chuck is 8 years my SIL's senior and has two kids: 16 and 18. My SIL also asked me not to take him to the shooting range anymore after he apparently posted a picture on Facebook with a gun to his head. (No one knows where he would have gotten the gun to take the picture, and no one, including my SIL, has seen the picture. He just claims he did it. He probably wanted some attention.)

[imcarthur]

Originally Posted by pwd72s

Guys aren't the only humans to think with their crotch...

No, you are wrong. They USE it but typically don't think with it. The female of the species is all about nesting. Security. Comfort. Spawn.

Ian

[Rot 911]

I don't know why, but Chuck sounds like he could be a fun guy as long as you are not related to him.

[porsche4life]

Sounds like legion needs to go for one of those walks in the woods where three go out and two come back....

[Jagshund]

Buy Chuck a gun for Christmas. Problem solved.

[red-beard]

Originally Posted by 1968Cayman

Buy Chuck a gun for Christmas. Problem solved.

One way or another...









Sorry I know it's over the top...

[Talewinds]

Chuck got to be a bicycle mechanic TWICE?

I'd just like an opportunity to be one once....

[DanielDudley]

My BIL is the same way. I will listen to my wife for about two minutes a day before I point out that it is his choice, and not our business.

Q How many shrinks does it take to change a light bulb ?

A Just one, but it really has to want to change.

Put her back in the oven. She isn't done.

[jyl]

At a minimum, SIL should separate her finances from Chuck. Any joint bank accounts, joint credit accounts, should be closed. Chuck will go BK and hopefully she won't go BK and have her credit wiped out by him. I guess if she lives in a community property state that might be hopeless, I don't know.

The next thing she should do is take control of the finances. Chuck gets an allowance from her and that's all. No credit card, no checkbook.

What she should really do is divorce him, and the sooner the better.

Finally, as long as I'm spouting off advice that I know you have already thought of and that your SIL probably already knows but is unable/unwilling to act on - sigh - here is something more speculative . . .

. . . I speculate your SIL has serious insecurity and low self-worth, leading her to subject herself to bums like Chuck because no-one better will have her (she thinks). I further speculate (speculating wildly here) a part of the reason is because she sees herself as fat and unattractive (you said "big"). Dumping Chuck but remaining insecure/low self-worth just sets her up for the next Chuck.

Ideally, like "Dear Santa can I have a pony too" ideally, she would dump Chuck and fix her self-image problems at the same time.

Sorry to read your post. She sounds like a good person who is headed for a disaster.

[legion]

Some more updates...

In September, Chuck moved back to Aurora with my SIL. He couldn't find a job in Indy. (Okay, he found a few, but quit them all within a day or two.) It seems the "shoot to kill" order no longer concerned him.

In October, Chuck told my SIL that he no longer loved her and wanted a divorce. He spent a few days at a friend's house and came home, begging her to take him back. She agreed. In the period between him leaving and coming back, my SIL had told all of her friend and family that she was getting divorced. Then she had to tell everyone that they were staying together...

So in December, she and Chuck borrowed a few thousand dollars from my wife's parents, as Chuck's money-management skills had put their finances in dire straits. Oh, and during the period from August to the present, he has had three jobs (only counting the ones that lasted longer than a week), with long stretches of unemployment. (Of course, you don't get unemployment benefits when you quit after a few weeks/months on a job.) My in-laws are barely scraping by, and they loaned out money they didn't really have.

Apparently the Friday before last, Chuck left for good. My SIL didn't tell anyone for a week. She's probably still embarrassed over the fiasco in August. I give it 50/50 odds that she takes him back again. I don't think Chuck planned this--I think Chuck is incapable of long-term planning. Instead he's decided he's in a miserable marriage (mostly because my SIL is finally trying to rein in his spending), and he wants out.

The sad thing is my SIL will probably marry the next guy she dates, and he will probably have a different, but equally challenging set of problems.

On a funny note, Chuck transferred to the Indiana National Guard during his three-week stint in Indy, so now he has to driver to Indy once a month for guard duty (instead of across town). He says that you are only allowed one transfer every two years in the guard, but I have no idea if this is true. I think it's equally as likely that his CO is sick of his $h!t and he's being forced to actually follow-through on one of his decisions. Coincidentally, he's very unhappy about being in the National Guard and is trying to get a discharge. With luck, he may get his discharge, but only after a transfer to Kansas...

[Crowbob]

Pics of the SIL?

[svandamme]

I've adopted a policy in life, to completely cut all comms to people that A i don't like or B people i like but keep doing stupid things despite good advice.

- A i simple, Shun Chuck

- B i'de tell SIL that she need get her **** together, and think real hard about who she deals with. I would not tell her to ditch Chuck, she has to do that herself.


Since adopting this policy, i have a lot less to worry about..
Obviously complicating factor is your wife, unless she follows the same policy, you will have to worry about it wether you like it or not.

[BlueSkyJaunte]

Originally Posted by legion

My sister-in-law graduated from U of I in 2002 with a degree in psychology.

All we needed to know. She's doomed.

Seriously. I've never met a psych major whose life was even remotely in order. And I know a LOT of psych majors--my sister has a PhD in psychology.

EVERY SINGLE ONE of them is hopeless.

[Joeaksa]

Really, really glad you are staying out of this. Its an accident waiting to happen and you do not want to be anywhere near when it does...