Any reluctant fathers out there?

[willtel]

I'm just trying to get my head strait on this and want a little advice. I'm in my mid thirties and got married to a fantastic woman about a year ago. I knew when I popped the question that she wanted children but I have always been a little ambivalent about the thought of having children. I understand what it means to my wife so I'm willing to give it a shot but I will admit I am nervous about it. I've heard people say that they don't like any children but their own but this isn't really something you can test the waters on, it is all or nothing.

Was anyone else in a similar situation to myself that now has children? How did it work out for you?

[peppy]

I was 36 when I got married for the first time. My wife talked me into children, and boy what a ride we have been on. No regrets and would do it again.

You know how much you love and adore your wife....X10 the love you will have for your child.

[stomachmonkey]

Was absolutely petrified at the thought of having children.

Could not wrap my head around it.

We had my daughter when I was 36.

Now I'm pissed that I did not have them earlier.

My children are absofrickinlutely the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Other peoples kids are just like other people, some are cool, some are not.

[stomachmonkey]

Originally Posted by peppy

.....X10 the love you will have for your child.

You will do stuff for your kids that you would not do for anyone else on the planet or for all the money in the world.

[jorian]

Your kids are the best people you'll ever know.

[Oh Haha]

I was also 36 when we had my son. My first marriage was not very good. No kids, thank goodness but not very healthy for either one of us.

My second wife is who I would choose if I had to do it all over again. I jumped in with both feet to have our first child, gung ho to be a Dad. When my son was born I knew our life together would never be the same.

When my wife started wanting another I kind of freaked out. I was perfectly happy with one and life was good.

One thing lead to another() and we had our daughter. A girl? WTH am I supposed to do to raise a girl!? Boys? Sure. Girls are a totally different creature!!!




I can tell you now that my son is 6 and my daughter is 3 that they bring us more joy than people should be allowed. Sure, they are monsters some days but when my little girl looks at me and says, "Daddy, I love you.", or when my son wants to wear a shirt because "it's like yours, Dad.", it just melts my heart.

When I was laid off and having a rough time my wife told me that they loved me no matter what I did for a living, it really put everything in perspective.

My advice? If you and your wife are truly happy, adding a child will only bring you more happiness. If you aren't, then you might want to wait a little while.

36 isn't too old to become a father.


BTW-The entire time I was typing my reply both of the kids were jumping on my son's bed............gotta love the nightlife in our house!!!!!

[Zef]

Take my advice...been there...It's a thing that you can't regret...really...so go ahead.

[Rusty Heap]

46 here, never had kids, never wanted them,

maybe as a 'rent a kid" would be cool for a couple hours a couple times a year, but then time to lock them back in the closet.

If you want a pet, keep it on a leash. The other night in a fine resteraunt watching a parent chase their kid all over the place seemed sooooo cute to THEM as it was a keep-away game, I wanted to stick my foot out and trip the bugger as he came running past screaming his lungs out when others are trying to eat.

Same thing on an airplane. They should carry duct tape to cover the mouth of any kid under 6 years old. SHUT YOUR KIDS UP, I don't want to hear Johnny screaming in the seat behind me for 6 hours and 3000 miles later. I now know why they don't allow guns on airplanes after a 12 hour flight from LAX to New Zealand. I could of murdered very easily and would of gotten a round of applause from people around me.......

PARENTS, discipline your screaming out of control kids! When I was growing up you'd get a leather belt across your butt if you misbehaved, now you get a "time out" in the corner or "mommy will buy you a toy later"

Honestly I don't mean to sound harsh or like a grumpy old frump, some kids ARE so way cool, and other people honestly shouldn't be allowed to breed.

I fear for our future society when the lazy Gen X starts to breed, we're doomed.

[MotoSook]

When the baby comes and he/she NEEDS you for everything you will be surprised what lengths you will go to to provide for him/her. There is nothing more satisfying in life than to see your child go from a pink and bruised lump of screaming newborn to an little person (it probably ends at about the age of 10!) . I am amazed every day by my 18 month old who seems to have so much of me in him that it's scary. I will never understand why parents would not adore their child who is so needy of love and affection from them.

I had my first at the age of 37 and I am glad I didn't have a baby sooner in life. I would not have been as prepared....

[Oh Haha]

Dave,

It's a good thing you don't have kids.

I do agree with you on kids misbehaving in public places. i will not let others be disturbed by my kids if I can do anything about it.

We have left stores with the kids under arm when they acted up. It's tough, though.

I tend to lean toward the side of removing them and giving up whatever it is thaat I wanted versus trying to calm them down instore/restaurant.

[Seahawk]

Having kids is not for everyone, nor should it be.

I got married at 34 and was ready to start a family. It has been a wonderful, vexing ride, one I would gladly take again.

Talk to your wife, let her know your doubts. I was not a particularly good father during the "infant" stage of my kids...I just didn't get it. But we talked about it, made compromises and made it work.

Kids require parents: make sure you both are ready, which requires constant communication.

Good luck.

[coolngroovy]

Reluctant fatherhood?....yeah....been there done that!

Fortunately; when the pregnancy test was returned +; there wasn't a whole lot we could do about it! Abortion was never discussed.

I, like most other first time fathers, went through the whole 'what kind of father will i be?...am i ready for this?, personal dilemma.
My worries were unfounded. I guess i just needed to find my footings in the grand scheme.

It's remarkable how the old cliche's ring true.

My boys are 21 & 17 now. They are also my best friends. I enjoy a close relationship with both of them. I'm reaping the benifits of the social seeds i planted all those years ago. I really does seem like yesterday!

I say....grab hold of fatherhood with both hands & hang on tight. It's a great trip.
Set some ground rules with the mrs.....maybe even before the baby is born.
My wife & i decided on the dicipline strategy before conception. I was to play the role of 'bad cop'. We decided that the kids would only be diciplined [smacked] if they endangered their life or the life of others. It seemed to have worked out well, i have never had cause to smack either of my children. NEVER! Not even when master 4 drove our car through our garage door. [fond memories of that!] hehehe

We were going to have another child, but it was a 50/50 gamble that it might be a girl. We couldn't take that risk! haha
I think i would have been the worlds worst overprotective father had we conceived again with a girl.

Go for it willtel......enjoy every last minute of it.....'cause they really do grow up soooo quickly.

[jyl]

Having children changes your life.

There are "pre-kid" activities that become harder to do with the new demands on your time. But they are not impossible - pick the ones that are important to you and make time for them, and you won't miss the rest.

There are "post-kid" activities that will be totally new to you. A few of them are not prizes - diapers, crying, etc. Some of them are tiring. But many of them will be so interesting, rewarding and, yes, fun, that you'll wish you'd started sooner.

What happens next depends a lot on what the kid(s) is like, which is partly up to luck/genetics, but in large part up to you. Some people have fussy, whiny, crying kids. Others have happy, respectful, enjoyable kids. You can usually trace that back to how the parents raised the child - or didn't raise the child. When you need child-rearing advice, I'm sure there'll be plenty here.

I'm really enjoying watching my kids grow up. Every week they are grasping new concepts and surprising me with their observations and insights.

But one thing I never anticipated is how, with each year, I miss the child of last year. Being a kid is a wonderful and fleeting thing. My daughter at 14 y/o is a joy, but I also miss my daughter when she was 4 y/o, 6 y/o, etc. So do prize every day with your kids, if you have kids, because those days will not come again.

[Zef]

Ho...and don't forget...they don't come with a warranty....you can't return'em.....!

[IROC]

Timely thread. I'm 45 years old. I have a 19 year-old son and a 5 year-old daughter and my wife is pregnant and going to be induced tomorrow.

Kids are great. I don't know anyone who ever regretted having kids.

[jorian]

I didn't realize how entertaining my kid would be. Cracks me up everyday.

[cstreit]

Dude, I think EVERY father is reluctant. It's some scary stuff to contemplate...

It's one of those things where if you keep waiting for it to feel like 'the right time' you might wait too long. As someone said above, I waited untill I was 34, and now I'm bummed that I waited so long.

It's the hardest thing you'll ever do. It puts a strain on your marraige, finances, mental health, etc... ...but it's totally worth it!!!

[widebody911]

I wanted to stick my foot out and trip the bugger as he came running past screaming his lungs out when others are trying to eat.

I want to clothesline the little f*ckers zipping around the supermarket on wheelies...

[Rusty Heap]

I didn't mean to come across as a grumpy old fart in my first thread, and I know that's how 95% of you took it.

Back to the original post and the intent.

you're in your mid 30's, are you ready to still have kids in the house and putting them through college in your mid-late 50's and into your 60's?

Are you ready to be strapped down financially taking care of kids till they're 18?

And as the prior couple posters said before this, NO they don't come with a Warrenty, and I personally know SEVERAL people who wish they hadn't had kids.

They don't all come out of the oven perfect skin blue eyes and blonde hair.

Of 3 or 4 couples I know that I'd call close friends, all their kids have major mental/physical defects.

One child was born blind, 10% vision.

Another couples kid is seriously physically deformed, grunts or can't talk and will never walk nor use his hand, everywhere he goes is in a push cart that the parents have to give 110% of their time day and night, in the bathroom and shower and everywhere.

One other couple has to give their kids 12-15 different pills a day to keep mental issues in check, Same kid 17 year old girl has been pregnant twice, and wrecked at least 2 - 3 cars a year. They have to keep locks on the fridge and food cabinets and the parents lock their own bedroom door at night. Kids keep saying they hear voices and see shadows. Kicked out of several schools and bascially have no social skills and will never hold a normal job.

Downs Syndrome, maybe MS, mental / physical deformities, financial challenges, and other sacrifices.........yup, parenting is something to go into with your eyes wide open.

So............be ready for what-ever comes out of the womb. Could be heathy and fine, could be your worse nightmare that is in your care and responsibility for the next 18 years or the rest of your life.

Sure why not, roll the dice and see what happens. I often wish we would of had kids 20 years ago when I married my wife, but if you're in your mid 30's or like me in my mid 40's, no way I want to be going to a high school graduation when I'm in my 60's.

Just some things to think about, it's a no guaruntee situation.

[Oh Haha]

I want to clothesline the little f*ckers zipping around the supermarket on wheelies...[/QUOTE]



+10000!!!!