Any reluctant fathers out there?

[Gogar]

If you "wait until you're ready", then you'll never do it.

[nostatic]

There is no good time to have kids.

I never wanted kids. Accidents happen. The first 6 or 7 years were often sheer misery. Now almost 13 years in it still is tiring and I have a tough time.

He is the most important person in my world. Changed my life for the better and I wouldn't be where I am today if not for what I learned from him.





And yes, sometimes things don't go right. That's life.

[red-beard]

If you're too much of a wimp to go through with it, call me, I'll take care of her.

[TheMentat]

Originally Posted by willtel

I'm just trying to get my head strait on this and want a little advice. I'm in my mid thirties and got married to a fantastic woman about a year ago. I knew when I popped the question that she wanted children but I have always been a little ambivalent about the thought of having children. I understand what it means to my wife so I'm willing to give it a shot but I will admit I am nervous about it. I've heard people say that they don't like any children but their own but this isn't really something you can test the waters on, it is all or nothing.

Was anyone else in a similar situation to myself that now has children? How did it work out for you?

I'm in the exact same situation: married a year, mid thirties etc.

However, some of my brothers jumped into parenthood about 2-3 years ago, so their kids are getting to the age where I'm finding them really friggin' entertaining (although I'm sure they are becoming equally difficult to manage for the parents). I was sold.

Now I'm dealing with a hormonal wife with morning sickness...

[MikeSid]

Having children is much like performing the act that put you in that position.

You might be a little exhausted, but it's beyond worth it, and you'd happily do it again.

[cstreit]

Originally Posted by widebody911

I wanted to stick my foot out and trip the bugger as he came running past screaming his lungs out when others are trying to eat.

I want to clothesline the little f*ckers zipping around the supermarket on wheelies...

You guys need to clothesline the parents... Kids do what they are ALLOWED to do. (and then some).

[Christien]

I was in the same situation for a few years - wife wanted kids, I didn't yet, eventually I felt ready, or at least as close to being ready as you can be. Wish we'd done it earlier, though I understand that part of the reason why I love being a dad so much is that I was ready for it and didn't rush it. We've got 2 girls now, 3 1/2 and 11 months, and every day is better than the last. Yes, it can be exhausting, frustrating, all of those things, but when you get those "love you daddy!" whispers in your ear or voicemails at work, whatever bits of negativity there may be completely evaporate and are instantly forgotten.

Here's one thing to remember in your first week, which is brutal: it gets better! The first week is the hardest, and after the first month or so, it gets considerably easier, especially if you can get them sleeping through the night quickly. We had both our girls sleeping through the night (6 hours straight, at least) at only 5 or 6 weeks old - made a huge difference in our sanity!

Your kids will be a reflection of your's and your wife's personality. Are there things in either of your personalities that you don't like? I think you can probably stop those from transferring to the kids if you're aware of it and take deliberate steps to do so. But in general, that's what they'll be like. I think the single most important thing is to make sure you have a happy, loving home and that the kids grow up, from the moment they're born, knowing that they're loved, appreciated, safe, and that the household is a stable, loving and caring environment. That doesn't mean it's free of discipline, but that any discipline comes from a loving and caring perspective, rather than from anger, frustration or resentment.

Make yourselves right, and the kids will grow up right, guaranteed.

[glewis80SC]

There is never "the right time" to have kids, if you are waiting for that moment when it all comes together and the stars are aligned for it....it never comes.
I had my son at 19, not planned obviously but he changed my life for the better. The thought of him relying on me to provide made me grow up, which I needed at the time.
He is now 21 and a great friend, we spend time together even share my 911 on track days. Is it all easy...NO WAY...there are many moments of absolute exhaustion and stress. We have three now 21,15 and 10...and I would not change a thing they are all the best things in my life. The good out weighs the bad 10 fold and then some.
I agree with not letting then get out of hand, discipline and boundaries are needed but guidance and leading by example are just as important.
For those who don't have and choose not to have kids, don't look down your noses at those that do and to kids that make a little noise....they are kids...that is what drives me crazy, those that think they could do better but have no idea!!

[osidak]

our one and only was born when I was 1 month shy of 30. I was scared as hell that I wouldn't be ready, that money would be an issue - If we would be able to allow mom to stay home with him as I didn't want someone else raising our kid.

In the end it all worked out and we have a great 6 y/o - he is laid back, fun to be with Mom stayed home until he went to school and after a month of doing volunteer work she was offered a job teaching at his school (she was a teacher before) so she took it as she gets to be close to him during the day and keeps the same schedule and we also get a tuition break as well.

We look forward to each new phase and miss the ones that he has grown out of, we worry about him as he has asthma and a habit of breaking his right arm (3 times so far, twice this year) He is a tough, yet a funny little guy with a wonderfully warm heart and smart as a whip. He is our travel buddy and my copilot in the 911.

So the answer is - you will never be ready but you will hopefully always be up for the challenge. 6 years ago I think someone on this site said "Kids will ruin your life in the best way possible"

You can take that many ways but, I will never be the same as before but I would never trade it either. Good luck

[Talewinds]

Yep, same exact place. Early 30's, married 4 years. I have many nieces and nephews, and rarely find then cute, or endearing, or precious. I hear it all the time, and it's echoed here in this very thread, the parents that assert that they wouldn't change a thing, other than to have had kids sooner.
Except one time I overheard a stranger say something when she thought nobody else could hear. She said "I encourage my childless coworkers to have kids so that they'll be as miserable as I am.".......

I mean, WOW.

And Rusty Heap makes some very valid statements.

I am also learning what a couple folks here have said. I've been looking for that opportune, or convenient time for the past few years, and have concluded that time never arrives. Not only does it not come, it doesn't even get SLIGHTLY more convenient, only less so.

So, where does that get us? Well, maybe you have a a moment of weakness, and voila, it turns out that you are in fact as happy as most folks say they are with kids.

But I'm pretty sure we won't be pursuing the $40,000 of debt for fertility treatments that half my acquaintances were so eager to shoulder, if it comes to that.

To that point, who really PLANS to have kids anyway? It seems that those who plan for kids rarely have them go as intended. So just do it. Or don't.

[alf]

You will discover a level of love that you never thought existed when you have your own children.

To not have children is to miss out on a very big part of life as a human being.

[Geronimo '74]

Sometimes I wonder if would like to have kids, then I doubt it, then I wonder if I would regret it later, then I doubt it.

Man, I'm not even a grown up myself and I'm 33, go figure. I'm not ready for this kind or responsabilty.

On the other hand, I've dated women with kids and liked it. I just don't want any of my own. Is that weird, I guess so...
It runs in the family, my sister doesn't want kids either. She must have taken the batteries out of her biological clock...

[stomachmonkey]

Originally Posted by Geronimo '74

Sometimes I wonder if would like to have kids, then I doubt it, then I wonder if I would regret it later, then I doubt it.

Man, I'm not even a grown up myself and I'm 33, go figure. I'm not ready for this kind or responsabilty.

On the other hand, I've dated women with kids and liked it. I just don't want any of my own. Is that weird, I guess so...
It runs in the family, my sister doesn't want kids either. She must have taken the batteries out of her biological clock...

Life with kids is no better than life without. It's just a different life.

My children give me immense joy, but they are not for everyone. My older brother and both younger sisters don't have any.

My brother is involved with a woman that had/has a newborn.

He gets to play daddy on the weekends and really enjoys it.

[jhynesrockmtn]

Make sure the marriage is solid, in your 30's you should know way better than I did getting married in my early 20's. That was stupid and although I have wonderful kids who are now 19 and 17 I felt stuck in a crappy marriage while they were growing up. When you have kids you are connected to their Mom no matter what happens. I could never see myself as a part time Dad so I stuck with it until a couple of years ago. Not sure that was the best decision. I think I would have been a better father if I had been a happy person, even part time.

Kids are amazing and watching them grow up, enjoying time with them, etc. are things I wouldn't trade for anything.

But I agree that not everyone should have kids. There are tons of people who have them because it was what was expected or their spouse wanted them and they wanted to make them happy. Make sure you are both on the same page and happy and secure as a couple. Having kids adds joy but also stress to the situation.

[jhynesrockmtn]

You will discover a level of love that you never thought existed when you have your own children.

For many this is true

To not have children is to miss out on a very big part of life as a human being.

This is the kind of societal bias that I think is dangerous. Kids are not for everyone and people that choose not to have them should not be made to feel like less of a person or that they've somehow missed out on a fulfilling life.

[Christien]

Originally Posted by Talewinds

To that point, who really PLANS to have kids anyway? It seems that those who plan for kids rarely have them go as intended. So just do it. Or don't.

We did. We planned it, and it worked out more or less exactly as planned. Waited until after our trip to France for my 30th birthday, stopped birth control when we got home, knew it would take some time for hormones to return to normal, sure enough, 2 months later I come home to 2 wands on the kitchen counter with plus signs. My first reaction was "get those things off the counter! we put food there!" (in jest, of course)

It should be said that I really believe that there are a lot of parents out there who are not happy with the burden kids place on your life. These are the ones always yelling at their kids, not bothering to reign them in when they're running wild in the grocery store, etc. Those who are prepared for the sacrifices ahead will undoubtedly enjoy their kids to the moon and back, and will raise kids properly, no matter how rich or poor, smart or dumb, etc. Those who hope to continue their lives in the same style as before kids will be disappointed. Yes, you will sacrifice both time and money to your kids, whether you want to or not. The difference between good kids and bad kids lies in your acceptance of those sacrifices, and your ability to see the sacrifices as not so much losses, but trades. And if you're prepared to make the trade, it's a guaranteed win - you'll get back far more then you ever give up.

[Jeff Higgins]

Originally Posted by Rusty Heap

I didn't mean to come across as a grumpy old fart in my first thread, and I know that's how 95% of you took it.

But you are a grumpy old fart.

Originally Posted by Rusty Heap

Of 3 or 4 couples I know that I'd call close friends, all their kids have major mental/physical defects.

Some of those mental/physical defects are shared by their fathers.

Anyway, back to the original question. I have two boys, 18 and 21 now; I'm 49. I was reluctant at first to even consider giving up my "freedom" to do whatever I want, whenever I want. I'm selfish that way; I think a lot of us are. Looking back at it now, if I had it to do all over again, I would do it all over again.

I could not imagine life without Chris and Alex. They have taught me more about life than I could have ever imagined. The time we spend together are the very best days of my life.

[berettafan]

Originally Posted by stomachmonkey

Was absolutely petrified at the thought of having children.

Could not wrap my head around it.

We had my daughter when I was 36.

Now I'm pissed that I did not have them earlier.

My children are absofrickinlutely the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Other peoples kids are just like other people, some are cool, some are not.

my story as well. i could've gone my entire life with no kids if my wife were on board with it.

now, i have found what must be the greatest love on this planet. my son (now 5) is so important to me that the 'sacrifices' we make are not felt at all.

and we've just had a daughter as well. at just two weeks old she already has captured my attention and thoughts.

i will say you need to understand that you are rolling the DNA dice when you have a child and you need to make some effort to grasp what that can mean. we had a big scare with our daughter (downs) during the pregnancy but all turned out well.

here's my girl....

[osidak]

I have several friends with out kids - some would be great parents others I would feel sorry for the kids

we have one - absolute blast but one was enough

we have friends that have 2 - 6 kids

Point being is no one should be looked down upon for not having kids or not having enough. It is amazing how many people will say when they first meet us "so when are you having another"

Kids are an absolute blast but not for everyone

[Rikao4]

I am the favorite uncle to many..
and when you guys post picks of your little one's
just for a sec..I wonder...
and then realize..
it's not for me..
I made it clear I wanted none..
thankfully she's on the same page..
many yrs later...
we have no regrets..
none..
and while many of you have great kids..
the norm these days seems to be..
old Dad and Mom are someone else's problem..
or the little darling set's his friend on fire over 40 bucks..

Rika