Quick jokes

[GH85Carrera]

Today's earthquake origin was determined to be a cemetery just outside of Washington DC. You know, the one our Founding Fathers are in. Seems they all turned over in their graves at the same time.

Breaking News: it's just been established that the DC earthquake occurred on a rare and obscure faultline, apparently known as "Bush's Fault". It was a 5.9 earthquake but S&P downgraded it to 3.2.


Admit it, that is funny. This is just a joke. No need to send it to PARF.

[VINMAN]

Guy hears a knock on his apartment door. opens the door , looks down sees a snail and kicks it down the hallway. 3 yrs later he hears a knock on his door. Opens the door looks down, sees the snail again. Snail says, "hey why did you do that?"..

[Paul_Heery]

While looking for new car, a man's wife told him, "I want something that can go zero-to-60 in less than 4 seconds." He responded, "I'll buy you something that can go zero-to-200 in less than a second, a bathroom scale"

[rouxroux]

A baby seal walks into a club.

[sammyg2]

Knock knock.
Who's there?
impatient cow.
Impatien......MOO!

[craigster59]

What does a grape say when you step on it? Nothing, it just gives out a little "wine".

[pwd72s]

The difference between a porcupine and...

[Eric 951]

2 peanuts were walking through the park late at night and one was assaulted.


What's brown and sticky? a stick

[stomachmonkey]

Why'd the monkey fall out of the tree?







It was dead.

[Steve Viegas]

) Nick Helm: "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."

2) Tim Vine: "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."

3) Hannibal Buress: "People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time'. You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works."

4) Tim Key: "Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought... once you've hired the car..."

5) Matt Kirshen: "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess."

6) Sarah Millican: "My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards."

7) Alan Sharp: "I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure."

8) Mark Watson: "Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife."

9) Andrew Lawrence: "I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails."

10) DeAnne Smith: "My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin."
BBC News - Nick Helm's password joke is Edinburgh Fringe funniest

[peppy]

Toddler's rules of possession

1. If I like it, it’s mine.

2. If it’s in my hand, it’s mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it’s mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.

5. If it’s mine, it must NEVER appear to be yours in anyway.

6. If I’m doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.

7. If it looks just like mine, it is mine.

8. If I saw it first, it’s mine.

9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.

10. If it’s broken, it’s yours.

[wdfifteen]

Originally Posted by peppy

Toddler's rules of possession

1. If I like it, it’s mine.

2. If it’s in my hand, it’s mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it’s mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.

5. If it’s mine, it must NEVER appear to be yours in anyway.

6. If I’m doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.

7. If it looks just like mine, it is mine.

8. If I saw it first, it’s mine.

9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.

10. If it’s broken, it’s yours.

That sounds like my dog!

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

[LeeH]

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac? He lays awake at night wondering if there really was a dog.

[Baz]

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, “Will you marry me?”
The Princess said, “No!!!” And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode
motorcycles and banged skinny long-legged big-titted broads and hunted and
fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age
and drank whiskey, beer, and Captain Morgan and never heard *****ing and
never paid child support or alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his
house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was freakin' cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

The end.

[svandamme]

Originally Posted by Baz

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, “Will you marry me?”
The Princess said, “No!!!” And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode
motorcycles and banged skinny long-legged big-titted broads and hunted and
fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age
and drank whiskey, beer, and Captain Morgan and never heard *****ing and
never paid child support or alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his
house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was freakin' cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

The end.

That's me in a nutshell!
except for all the dating and banging and money in the bank.

[mikester]

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?


A stick.


A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.

[sammyg2]

Originally Posted by peppy

Toddler's rules of possession

1. If I like it, it’s mine.

2. If it’s in my hand, it’s mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it’s mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.

5. If it’s mine, it must NEVER appear to be yours in anyway.

6. If I’m doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.

7. If it looks just like mine, it is mine.

8. If I saw it first, it’s mine.

9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.

10. If it’s broken, it’s yours.

LOL, lots of folks in PARF feel the exact same way.

[Bob Kontak]

Two word joke - Jimmy Carr:

Dwarf shortage

[LakeCleElum]

If you took all the pickles eaten each year in the country and laid them end to end; people would think you were CRAZY!

[slodave]

It was a hot day in Minnesota.

Helga hung out the wash to dry and then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.

"Gootness, it's hotter dan hell today," she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street .

She passed a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?"

So she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender walked up and asked her what she would like to drink.

"Ya know," Helga said in a timid voice, "I don't usually go into bars, but today I vill make an exception.. It is zo hot,I tink I'll have myself a cold beer."

"Anheuser Busch?" the bartender asked.

Helga blushed and timidly replied, "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yur viener?"