Did we screw up as parents? I value your opinions on this!

[Head416]

Originally Posted by 2porscheguy

...About 8 months ago he confessed to us that he had smoked pot "a couple of times" with friends..."mom and dad, just letting you know"...

To have a relationship like this with your son I'd say you must have done a lot right.

Our discussion concluded with us, first of all, thanking him for being honest with us and secondly that if he did it on an occasional basis on weekends and not during school, with responsible friends, and didn't drive under the influence or be driven by someone under the influence that it would be "OK"....only MJ and nothing else!

Well, surprise, surprise...we've since discovered that he has been smoking up on , let's say, a regular basis!

I think you know this was a mistake, and led to the logical response by him.

I'm anti-drug, but I realize a lot of people don't have a problem with pot. But consider that a small mistake when you're a teenager can have lifelong consequences. Whether it's a "record" from getting caught, or getting high, exercising bad judgement, and making a much bigger mistake.

[McLovin]

Originally Posted by Seahawk

Now I couldn't disagree more, in my circumstance and how I raised my chilren.

When my kids where of age, I absolutely let them know I smoked pot in HS...and I specifically told them because I wanted them to know that I would know the signs if they ever smoked, which I forbade.

I like to put things in context with my children.

Because you don't doesn't mean a thing to me or any other parent that does. You raise yours, I'll raise mine.

I doubt that you disagree with my statement, that full and complete honesty by a parent to a child is idiotic.

Did you tell your 5 year old there's no Santa Claus? Do you tell the kids all the dirty laundry about all of their adult relatives? The details of your sex life? The details of your finances? Of course not.

What you told your kids re pot has nothing to do with whether you are fully and completely honest with your kids on all things, or with what the OP did.

What the OP did (i.e., when confronted by the child about smoking pot, turn the tables on yourself and confess you did it and say it's ok) is inarguably idiotic and poor parenting that reaches a criminal level.

What you did at least is an arguable parenting strategy. I'd have to think about that. I understand the intended purpose, but I think it's a bit of a dangerous strategy. I'd say it sends a "mixed message." I think I'd agree that depending on the family dynamics, etc. it can be effective, but can have unintended consequences.

It would be a very bad strategy for me and my kids, but I'm not saying it's outside the ballpark of reasonableness (unlike the OP).

[Zeke]

Originally Posted by nynor

that genie is going to be hard to get back into the bottle. have you failed? i doubt it. keep talking. if you raise a productive member of society, i think you succeeded. i'd be a bit worried about where the money is coming from, etc., as mentioned above.

This is the response I agree with the most. Although pot should probably be legal, being under the influence in public and especially in a car will never be. So, that is the risk, conviction. Just as with alcohol, prudence is paramount.

And as cstreit said, the kid doesn't know from dick about life yet. I think pot and alcohol are best left to some adults and certainly not all.

The best teacher of all are the consequences of our bad behavior which unfortunately some of us have to experience first hand before we get it.

[dienstuhr]

Interesting discussion!

Let's keep it in perspective, though.

- Sixteen-year-olds cannot even legally buy alcohol in Alberta!
- Possession of marijuana is still a criminal offence in Canada.

[onewhippedpuppy]

Originally Posted by Christien

I don't consider myself lucky that I didn't kill myself or someone else or landed in jail. I was never anywhere near that edge. I was brought up well, with good parenting, and the level-headedness and responsibility that instills in you prevents really over-the-edge dangerous behaviour, generally speaking. Not that I knew that at the time, but looking back on it, it's obvious. Neither I nor most of my friends were ever in danger of doing anything really stupid. We were just regular kids. I've never drank so much I've had to be hospitalized, never taken any drug that could send you to hospital, never drove drunk or high, never played with guns, never got into serious trouble with the law, never got beaten up badly enough to warrant hospitalization.

Sadly, I can't say that. Lucky.......

Originally Posted by Seahawk

Now I couldn't disagree more, in my circumstance and how I raised my chilren.

When my kids where of age, I absolutely let them know I smoked pot in HS...and I specifically told them because I wanted them to know that I would know the signs if they ever smoked, which I forbade.

I like to put things in context with my children.

Because you don't doesn't mean a thing to me or any other parent that does. You raise yours, I'll raise mine.

Totally agree. You can't BS a teenager, they will see right through it and nobody respects a hypocrite. Obviously there's a fine line (your mother likes it doggy style), but you have to be honest.

My parents took a hard line stance like Mr. Mackey in South Park, "drugs are bad, mkay?". They told me don't drink, don't smoke, don't smoke pot, and don't do anything stupid behind the wheel. Being a teenager I of course did the exact opposite. Show them respect, be honest and forthcoming about your expectations and the reasons why, and then hold them to it - that will be my approach with my kids. Mkay?

[kaisen]

Originally Posted by dienstuhr

- Possession of marijuana is still a criminal offence in Canada.

This was my question in Post #4 that hadn't been answered until now.

This is all I would need to know. If it's illegal, it can't be condoned or tolerated. Period.

[Christien]

Smoking pot does not automatically make one a pothead, in the common-usage sense of the term (i.e. stoner). I know many professionals who regularly smoke weed who have absolutely none of the "stoner" look, talk, lifestyle, etc. Really, I think it's on its way to becoming as common as social/private usage of alcohol, but it's a lot less harmful to the body.

[onewhippedpuppy]

Originally Posted by Christien

Smoking pot does not automatically make one a pothead, in the common-usage sense of the term (i.e. stoner). I know many professionals who regularly smoke weed who have absolutely none of the "stoner" look, talk, lifestyle, etc. Really, I think it's on its way to becoming as common as social/private usage of alcohol, but it's a lot less harmful to the body.

I don't have to go to a dark alley to buy beer from a seedy individual. I can have a beer at dinner. I can drink a beer regardless of who is nearby. I can drink a beer in public. I can drink a beer with a cop or a priest. Can't say that about Mary Jane. Plus it just made me tired and hungry, what fun is that?

[McLovin]

Originally Posted by Christien

Smoking pot does not automatically make one a pothead, in the common-usage sense of the term (i.e. stoner). I know many professionals who regularly smoke weed who have absolutely none of the "stoner" look, talk, lifestyle, etc. Really, I think it's on its way to becoming as common as social/private usage of alcohol, but it's a lot less harmful to the body.

A 16 year old who regularly smokes pot is a pothead.

It is a very harmful thing for a child to regularly smoke pot. No even halfway responsible parent would ever encourage or condone that, in any way.

[McLovin]

Originally Posted by dienstuhr

- Possession of marijuana is still a criminal offence in Canada.

Spelled like a Canadian!

[Jim Sims]

Smoking "pot" closes some doors; perhaps forever.

[KFC911]

Originally Posted by McLovin

A 16 year old who regularly DRINKS BEER is a(N) ALCHOHOLIC.

It is a very harmful thing for a child to regularly DRINK BEER. No even halfway responsible parent would ever encourage or condone that, in any way.

FIFY with a little perspective . I'm not a parent, but know one thing for sure...at 16, "you're basically done", and some of the suggestions on this thread invite a "cure that is worse than the illness" imo. If you don't think a 16 yr old will see right through a set of "double standard" bs...then you don't remember what it's like to be 16 .

[KFC911]

Originally Posted by Jim Sims

Smoking "pot" closes some doors; perhaps forever.

Alcohol closes a lot more

[Zeke]

Originally Posted by Christien

I don't consider myself lucky that I didn't kill myself or someone else or landed in jail. I was never anywhere near that edge. I was brought up well, with good parenting, and the level-headedness and responsibility that instills in you prevents really over-the-edge dangerous behaviour, generally speaking. Not that I knew that at the time, but looking back on it, it's obvious. Neither I nor most of my friends were ever in danger of doing anything really stupid. We were just regular kids. I've never drank so much I've had to be hospitalized, never taken any drug that could send you to hospital, never drove drunk or high, never played with guns, never got into serious trouble with the law, never got beaten up badly enough to warrant hospitalization.

Originally Posted by onewhippedpuppy

Sadly, I can't say that. Lucky.......

Nor can I. Lucky x 2



But I'm not real sad about it.

[McLovin]

Originally Posted by KC911

Alcohol closes a lot more

A murder conviction closes even more.

[KFC911]

Originally Posted by McLovin

A murder conviction closes even more.

Think about this a bit more and I'll bet you change your mind . The statistics don't lie on this one...

[Jim Sims]

Originally Posted by KC911

Alcohol closes a lot more

Illegal drug use (even trivial/experimental) makes getting a security clearance problematic - not so much with alcohol unless abused.

If you lie about it and are found out you're "cooked."

[Seahawk]

My Dad (83) and I chatted this afternoon...typical stuff: How are the kids doing, business, cars, what are our plans for the upcoming holidays, etc.

I mentioned this thread (we are long past who f'ing shot John on any topic so we are very frank to each other).

His response was great: We did the right things (they did) so after a certain point it is up to the child to understand their responsibilities (I knew all this, trust me. Same way I raised my kids) in the context of their life. Your Mother and I made sure you did.

I asked was 16 to early to expect a child to get that.

The Nantucket Sleigh ride commenced: F__k, they drive, they f__k, they have kids, (cue the, "in my day speech"), they should absolutely understand. If they don't, that is the parents problem. You (me) knew you were being a di@khead and I made sure you knew that. Then we fixed that.

The whale was pulling the boat, he missed a few things, but he was on a roll.

Did you ever think you screwed up, with me, not the sainted sisters?

Not once. Mistakes? Yes. We set standards and didn't waiver (they didn't) so at a certain point, it was up to you. I could sleep at night if you balled it up, which you nearly did.

Thanks.

True.

So, screwing up as a parent in my mind is to not ask the questions you posted, thinking you know all.

There are some important guides (the standards) but the rest is up to you and your kids, how you navigate each one.

My two were as different as two sides of a coin...if I would have treated them the same, the results would have been very different.

Good luck.

BTW, you should have seen the look on my daughters face when I told her that I (and her aunt the former solicitor) had knowledge of MJ.

One of the best snapshots of my life.

[KFC911]

Originally Posted by Jim Sims

Illegal drug use (even trivial/experimental) makes getting a security clearance problematic - not so much with alcohol.

At 16...you gotta be joking (juvenile records). ALCOHOL (related accidents) closes more doors than pot ever has (as in permanently, in the ground...been to a few myself ) In fact, simply being an inexperienced driver at 16 (and not paying attention) closes more doors also imo...some of y'all may have forgotten what it's like to be 16. Sorry for the hijack...I'm done but just wanted to give another perspective...

[Zeke]

Seahawk, it would be a pleasure to spend an hour with a man of your father's character. My dad just thought he had real character when all he had was false principles.

Sorry old man, I shouldn't talk that way about you when you're beyond reach. But it is what it is.