Did we screw up as parents? I value your opinions on this!

[look 171]

Not to be harsh on you, but what's next? You gpnna tell him the time you were banging the whores in Mexico when you were away the first year in college. To them, have you telling him that stuff is encouragement. Now its not time to be pals with him. My opinion, ofcourse.

[nostatic]

I have an easy out on this one - I have a security clearance so no recreational drugs in the house for anyone. Period. What he wants to do when he moves out is his business but we will discuss the ups and downs of partying. I buried a few friends at young ages and he'll get those stories when the time comes.

[epbrown]

Originally Posted by 2porscheguy

Well, surprise, surprise...we've since discovered that he has been smoking up on , let's say, a regular basis! We confronted him and said that that was not what we had agreed upon. He apologized and promised to cut back.

The only error I see in the story is expecting mature behavior from an immature person. This thread is full of stories, including your own, about people that "smoked a little pot" despite it being forbidden by their parents and the actual risk of criminal prosecution. It takes major discouragement to get a teen to do something in moderation - take that away and they'll take anything to excess: drugs, alcohol, sex. Some people are the exception, but not many.

And I agree with Alan Arkin in "Little Miss Sunshine." Teens don't need to get high - it's the old folks full of aches and pains that should be tokin' up.

[gamin]

noah930 in post 12 has it right. You are already seeing the consequences of not stomping on the fire right away. In my opinion it's already too late. Is my opinion worth anything? Well, I unfortunately have had much experience with young peoples early use of MJ and in every case it has led to further illegal activity and a future in the trash can. The company that I work for has a tough time finding new hires because they can't pass the drug test. If your son doesn't stop his activities there are a lot of employment doors that will be closed to him, among other problems. Stomp out the fire NOW before everything is out of control, if you can. Good luck.

[gamin]

noah930 in post 12 has it right. You are already seeing the consequences of not stomping on the fire right away. In my opinion it's already too late. Is my opinion worth anything? Well, I unfortunately have had much experience with young peoples early use of MJ and in every case it has led to further illegal activity and a future in the trash can. The company that I work for has a tough time finding new hires because they can't pass the drug test. If your son doesn't stop his activities there are a lot of employment doors that will be closed to him, among other problems. Stomp out the fire NOW before everything is out of control, if you can. Good luck.

[Christien]

Let me offer a different perspective:

my wife and I both had our "crazy" times in high school. She was never into drugs of any kind (has never done anything) but partying, drinking, etc. Nothing really crazy, never drove drunk/stoned or anything, never got in the way of school, though I was a lousy student up until grade 13 and 14 (not a typo!). The point is, we got it all out of our system in high school. By the time we were both in university, we'd had enough of that and were ready to be serious about school. I saw several kids who were straight arrows in high school that were now unable to deal with the freedom of being away from mom and dad's strict rules, and the responsibility that comes with it, and they became christmas graduates - flunked out of first year because all they did was drink and smoke weed. Or others that, while they didn't drop out, failed several courses, didn't study, and ended up taking extra years to finish their degree.

I'm not saying a 16 year old should go hog wild and smoke up and drink every day, but there's something to be said for going through that in high school, when the stakes are much lower (not to mention the tuition costs).

And I absolutely unequivocally don't buy the argument that pot leads to harder drugs. I smoked my share of weed and hash in high school and have never touched cocaine, heroin, ecstasy, meth, mushrooms, pills, etc despite being offered all of the above (except heroin) several times. The vast majority of my friends would say the same thing. I haven't smoked weed in probably close to 20 years - I learned after a year or 2 that a) I didn't like the high and b) stoners are losers. And I came to that realization at the age of 17 or 18, without any parent, teacher or other authority figure telling me that.

I can't say what I would or wouldn't have done in your case - my kids are much younger, so I don't have any experience with teenagers. But I certainly don't think you've absolutely screwed up irreversibly, sent the kind on a drug spiral to hell, etc.

[onewhippedpuppy]

You gave him an inch, he took a mile. That should be a lesson learned. You also made an agreement (albeit misguided) with him that he broke. That should be sufficient justification to take a hard line stance. He has shown that he cannot control his use to occasional social smoking, so now is the time to drop the hammer. No more drug use, period.

You'll be in for a fight, because he's now in the habit and from all appearances, the culture as well. He will likely lie to your face then continue to smoke behind your back, so you'll need to be vigilant and firm. With a 16 year old you should have lots of leverage, there are many things you can take away or restrict at this point (car, phone, money) that are no longer an option when he's an adult. Time to stop being his buddy, because this could determine the direction that the rest of his life takes.

[onewhippedpuppy]

Originally Posted by Christien

Let me offer a different perspective:

my wife and I both had our "crazy" times in high school. She was never into drugs of any kind (has never done anything) but partying, drinking, etc. Nothing really crazy, never drove drunk/stoned or anything, never got in the way of school, though I was a lousy student up until grade 13 and 14 (not a typo!). The point is, we got it all out of our system in high school. By the time we were both in university, we'd had enough of that and were ready to be serious about school. I saw several kids who were straight arrows in high school that were now unable to deal with the freedom of being away from mom and dad's strict rules, and the responsibility that comes with it, and they became christmas graduates - flunked out of first year because all they did was drink and smoke weed. Or others that, while they didn't drop out, failed several courses, didn't study, and ended up taking extra years to finish their degree.

I'm not saying a 16 year old should go hog wild and smoke up and drink every day, but there's something to be said for going through that in high school, when the stakes are much lower (not to mention the tuition costs).

And I absolutely unequivocally don't buy the argument that pot leads to harder drugs. I smoked my share of weed and hash in high school and have never touched cocaine, heroin, ecstasy, meth, mushrooms, pills, etc despite being offered all of the above (except heroin) several times. The vast majority of my friends would say the same thing. I haven't smoked weed in probably close to 20 years - I learned after a year or 2 that a) I didn't like the high and b) stoners are losers. And I came to that realization at the age of 17 or 18, without any parent, teacher or other authority figure telling me that.

I can't say what I would or wouldn't have done in your case - my kids are much younger, so I don't have any experience with teenagers. But I certainly don't think you've absolutely screwed up irreversibly, sent the kind on a drug spiral to hell, etc.

I lived a similar life in high school. I'm VERY lucky that I didn't kill myself, someone else, or end up in jail.

[recycled sixtie]

I think Christien above is pretty easy on you. I don't think really hardline treatment is great either.But it is not okay to accept him smoking up on a regular basis either. I drank too much and drove and nearly got into an accident 30 years ago. I tell my daughter no drinking and driving and her and her boyfriend get a designated driver if they go out. Smoking up can lead to lead to problems with driving and as above stated with employment. A good heart to heart discussion with him might help. Just discourage that kind of behavior. My daughter was never involved in drugs.

[BK911]

I think it's awesome you have an open enough relationship with your kid to be honest with each other. You didnt fail at all. The honesty is there, the communication is there, so much better than most families.

Giving him permission probably wasnt the best thing to do, but in reality, if you didnt give him permission he would have done it anyway.

[Seahawk]

Originally Posted by BK911

I think it's awesome you have an open enough relationship with your kid to be honest with each other. You didnt fail at all. The honesty is there, the communication is there, so much better than most families.

Absolutely.

My parents are two of the absolute best people I have ever known and yet I still gooned a bunch of things as a teenager, pot included.

My only recommendation would be to ensure, once you and your wife have settled on your expectations and requirements for your son in the future, that you communicate in certain terms your hard rules and the penalties associated if your son fails to meet them.

Then make sure you enforce them.

[Christien]

Originally Posted by onewhippedpuppy

I lived a similar life in high school. I'm VERY lucky that I didn't kill myself, someone else, or end up in jail.

I don't consider myself lucky that I didn't kill myself or someone else or landed in jail. I was never anywhere near that edge. I was brought up well, with good parenting, and the level-headedness and responsibility that instills in you prevents really over-the-edge dangerous behaviour, generally speaking. Not that I knew that at the time, but looking back on it, it's obvious. Neither I nor most of my friends were ever in danger of doing anything really stupid. We were just regular kids. I've never drank so much I've had to be hospitalized, never taken any drug that could send you to hospital, never drove drunk or high, never played with guns, never got into serious trouble with the law, never got beaten up badly enough to warrant hospitalization.

[Christien]

btw, I reserve the right to completely and totally change my way of thinking about all of these matters when our kids enter their teenage years!

[MMARSH]

Originally Posted by McLovin

Yeah, you screwed up.

Your response to your 16 year old child's confession to smoking pot is to . . . .

Confess to your child that you did it yourself and that it's ok for him, a 16 year old child, to do it as long as he does it "responsibly."

And then you're "surprised" to find out that he's since become a pothead?

WTF is wrong with you? Are you really that dumb, or is this a joke?

Nothing to add to this. Except be a parent.....sounds like you both were trying to be the "Cool" parent or his friend. I can hear the conversation he had with his friends. "Yeah its cool, both my parents did it and said its OK if I smoke pot..."

You basically gave your son the green light to do drugs......I did a few things as a teenager that I wouldn't give a green light to do. Street race, drove way to fast and even a little pot use. The fact that I knew my parents would freak, kept that all in check.

[McLovin]

Originally Posted by BK911

I think it's awesome you have an open enough relationship with your kid to be honest with each other. You didnt fail at all. The honesty is there, the communication is there, so much better than most families.

Couldn't disagree more.

Didn't fail at all?? What they did, so called adults/parents, getting the tables flipped on them and "confessing" their own drug use to a child, is good? (Is the son's name Miguel? lol. b/c he got a "Miguel-like" result from the conversation with the "parents").

Telling a child that it's ok for the child to use illegal drugs, as long as they are "responsible" about it, is not a fail, at all?

Just because they communicated, it's not a fail at all? (All that matters is the fact of communication, the content of the communication doesn't matter?)

What they did was, in no uncertain terms, ACTIVELY encourage the continued use of drugs by a child. They condoned it, did nothing to stop it, and by saying they did the same thing, lead by example to encourage it. What they did was certainly a criminal act in the US, and I'm sure even a crime in Canada.

When your "communication" with your child is in such poor judgment that it breaks the law and would be grounds to have the child removed from the home, it's hard to believe that anyone would say it was "not a fail at all." Really? Not at all?

The proof of the "fail" is in the pudding. They now have a Jr. pothead on their hands. A fairly predictable result when "parents" encourage a 16 year old child to smoke pot.

[McLovin]

P.S.

Full and complete "honesty" by a parent is idiotic in a parent/child relationship.

Let's have some common sense here.

[McLovin]

P.P.S.

The only reason the kid "confessed" and "honestly communicated" (lol) was because he knew full well their would be no negative consequences to it.

[Seahawk]

Originally Posted by McLovin

P.S.

Full and complete "honesty" by a parent is idiotic in a parent/child relationship.

Let's have some common sense here.

Now I couldn't disagree more, in my circumstance and how I raised my chilren.

When my kids where of age, I absolutely let them know I smoked pot in HS...and I specifically told them because I wanted them to know that I would know the signs if they ever smoked, which I forbade.

I like to put things in context with my children.

Because you don't doesn't mean a thing to me or any other parent that does. You raise yours, I'll raise mine.

[BK911]

I smell what you're stepping in McLovin, and I dont totally disagree with you.
Hindsight is almost always 20/20 and this particular situation could have been handled differently, as most situations, but I still feel that communication and honesty are some of the most important aspects of ANY relationship.

If his kid tried it once in awhile, got straight A's and cured cancer, his method would have been awesome.
In this case something different happened and his method could use some improvement.

Be honest, throw the dice, and hope for the best.

[cstreit]

Originally Posted by Bill Douglas

I don't thinks it's a case of the dope being a problem. It's the lifestyle and the losers that fall into the dopehead lifestyle. A lot of my high achiever buddies smoke dope, quite a lot of dope, but don't mix with the loser crowd. You certainly wouldn't pick them as smokers. So maybe judge what is going on by the friends he keeps.

This.