Humorous Ways to End a Relationship

[legion]

I didn't want to diminish Mike's very serious thread.

What are the worst/funniest ways you have or have thought about ending a relationship?

Sadly, the last time I actually ended a romantic relationship was close to 20 years ago in high school. I was a senior, dating a very attractive but indecisive blond. (She was a very intelligent girl, so calling her ditzy would be inappropriate.)

We reached a point where it was clear to both of us that the relationship was over. I kept trying to meet her to break up with her in person, and she kept avoiding it, knowing what was coming. I finally got a hold of her on the phone. The conversation went something like this:

Me: "I've been trying to meet up with you all week."

Her: "I know."

Me: "So you know why I'm calling you?"

Her: "Yes....and I think we've come to the same conclusion."

Me: "So.....do you want to go ahead and do it?"

Her: "No."

Me: "So you want me to do it?"

Her: "No."

Me: "So you don't want to break up?"

Her: "No."

Me: "You want to stay together then?"

Her: "No."

Me: "This one time, can you please make up your mind?"

Her: "No."

Me: "Fine. I'll do it. Melissa, it's over. I'm breaking up with you."

Kinda lame, I know.

[mikesride]

You SOB!!!!! Actually I enjoyed that!!! LOL!!

[DARISC]

An then ya pulled the plug an' let the air outta her?

[Rick Lee]

I had a paranoid nutbag GF (who was also a scorching hot nympho, which almost made it all worthwhile). When I could take her drama no more, I just waited until she again accused me of doing something bad and then copped to doing it (I hadn't). That ended it, though it took another month of drama to really get her to leave me alone.

[KFC911]

"I do"

[legion]

Originally Posted by Rick Lee

I had a paranoid nutbag GF (who was also a scorching hot nympho, which almost made it all worthwhile).

[David Goodman]

Originally Posted by Rick Lee

I had a paranoid nutbag GF (who was also a scorching hot nympho, which almost made it all worthwhile). When I could take her drama no more, I just waited until she again accused me of doing something bad and then copped to doing it (I hadn't). That ended it, though it took another month of drama to really get her to leave me alone.

Hey, you're a crazy b**** but you f*** so good I'm on top it

[s_morrison57]

True story.
We were working outta town and got a week off, Donny told us he was going home to kick his girlfriend out of his place, 4 months and he was tired of her crap, we got back to work and this was the story he told.
He got home and found his girlfriend in bed with some guy, he told her that he'd be back in 2 hours and her and all her stuff had better be gone, he looked at the guy while he was pulling out his money and said "buddy, do yourself a favor, go get a good piece o tail" and threw $100 on the bed and left. He came back 2 hours later, she and her guy and all her stuff was gone, so was the 100.
We laughed our guts out, it was typical Donny, we call him the "living legend" and he is.

Finn

[asphaltgambler]

I had one similar to Rick's deal. When I finally had enough told her to get the f@ck out and she left for a couple of days. In the interim I threw all her clothes and everything else she owned (which wasn't much) onto the front lawn.

Had a few neighbors stop by and casually ask........................hey........sumpin happen?

When she returned she could not believe I had done it. Told her she had 30 minutes before I called the cops about her trespassing on my property. Severe - I know but that's what it came down to.

[Aragorn]

Just say "I break with thee.... I break with thee... I break with thee..." and then throw dog poop on her shoes...

[Crowbob]

I rented a storage unit to put all my stuff in. Put a 'SOLD' sign on the lawn and started hauling out my stuff. Spent a couple days at my buddy's apartment.

When I came back, she was gone. I moved back in.

[cockerpunk]

[emcon5]

I had a buddy who did this, (I later used it to quit a job)

Kevin: "I have a problem with my eyes"
Her: "Oh, what is wrong?"
Kevin: "I can't see you living here any more."

He passed away last year, RIP Kevin.

[McLovin]

Looking back, the oddest ones for me were the "non-breakup" breakups.

In college, I'd start "going out" with someone, although it was really unclear and unspoken what that really meant. We'd be friends, then "more than friends" and generally seen as a couple.

But then gradually the calls would get less, seeing each other less. One day of no contact becomes 2, then becomes 5, then a week, and finally no contact. Never any discussion of anything being wrong, or breaking up, etc.

It didn't seem odd at the time, but looking back, it kind of does.

[Laneco]

I dated a terrific fellow for about a year, who though otherwise an entirely decent human being, could not master the art of driving a car with a manual transmission. I mean he could drive one, but the level of competence was absolutely minimal and any advanced skills, such as double-clutching, or even rather basic skills like roll-starting completely escaped him. Further, no amount of patient instruction or demonstration ever led to a credible improvement.

At the point where we were breaking up (he was breaking up with me), I told him...

"It's just as well that you are leaving... I really can't envision a future with someone who can't properly shift a car."

I thought it was hilarious. He didn't.

angela

[Jferr006]

I haven't broken up with anyone since maybe a year out of highschool. Big dramatic breakup, not talking for a week or 2, missing eachother, friendly sex, getting to a point where we could either get back together(and probably ending up hating eachother again) or part peacfully and finally, just letting it go and moving on.

I only had one other real boyfriend and he cried when I dumped him...I dumped him because he was too much of a *****.

breakin' up is hard to do...

[rusnak]

I've always had them come back. I've never not had one come back. Eeek, then we do the second breakup thing.

[Flieger]

Originally Posted by Laneco

I dated a terrific fellow for about a year, who though otherwise an entirely decent human being, could not master the art of driving a car with a manual transmission. I mean he could drive one, but the level of competence was absolutely minimal and any advanced skills, such as double-clutching, or even rather basic skills like roll-starting completely escaped him. Further, no amount of patient instruction or demonstration ever led to a credible improvement.

At the point where we were breaking up (he was breaking up with me), I told him...

"It's just as well that you are leaving... I really can't envision a future with someone who can't properly shift a car."

I thought it was hilarious. He didn't.

angela

That's harsh.

[flatbutt]

I got my wife to sleep with someone else. Oh...wait...that wasn't funny.

[Bill Douglas]

I usually do some very intense flirting with the waitress, then say it's brobably best you don't stay the night as I've got a very early start tomorrow. They ask what I'm doing tomorrow and I say that I'm planning on hanging around the beach, having a surf if the surf is on, then visiting friends in the afternoon. They usually dump me at about that stage - problem over.