A letter from Comcast and Time Warner Cable

[Don Plumley]

Courtesy of the Borowitz Report:

Dear subscribers,

Today, it was announced that Comcast is joining forces with Time Warner Cable in a friendly acquisition worth $45 billion. As we could have expected, many people are wondering what this transaction will mean to the service that you, our subscribers, will enjoy.

We know that all of your comments, however mean-spirited some of them may have been, have come from a good place: genuine concern about what this merger will mean for your future cable service. At Comcast/Time Warner, we care deeply about those concerns, and, to help allay them, here are some answers to the Frequently Asked Questions (F.A.Q.s) we have received since the merger was announced.

Q: How will the merger affect the price of my cable service?

A: There is no clear answer to that. But we will be introducing financing options, roughly similar to those that enabled you to attend college.

Q: Will there be any adverse impact on customer service?

A: A technician will be at your home between the hours of eight and never.

Q: How frequently will you turn off the Internet, and are you going to deliberately crush Netflix by making it impossible to stream its movies?

A: Often and probably.

Q: I am a current Time Warner subscriber. Who will be handling customer complaints, Comcast or Time Warner?

A: Please address all complaints to Comcast/Time Warner Customer Service, 666 Noonethere Lane, Abysstown, U.S.A.

Q: I have been on hold for the past hour, and no one seems to be picking up. How long can I expect to wait?

A: Due to concern about the merger, we are experiencing longer-than-expected wait times. In the meantime, eat me.

Sincerely,

Comcast/Time Warner Cable

[GH85Carrera]

I ate lunch with a friend yesterday. He had been with the local cable service for years. He felt screwed by them again after a price increase so he canceled that service and changed to Dish TV and Hughes internet. It took weeks to get everything sorted out and get back to the same speed and channel selection he had. After it is all said and done he is paying within 5 bucks a month for equal service.

Now when a storm comes though his TV and internet go down due to loss of satellite signal.

[techweenie]

Love Borowitz.

[jyl]

Hard to see how this will be good for consumers.