People who stay married...

[sc_rufctr]

A close friend of mine I've known for a very long time is having ISSUES in his marriage but for now he's hanging in there.
He told me today he hasn't slept with his wife in over 2 years and she refuses to do his washing or cook for him.

Thinking back to my own divorce the only real reason I wanted to stay with my ex was because of our children. I suspect it's the same for my friend because they have a son aged 8. (It all seems so familiar)

Looking back I was being stupid but that was over 12 years ago. How times fly and not matter what the sun will rise.
My life is great now but it took a lot of hard work to get it this way. I feel like saying something to my friend but I'm hesitant. Maybe I should mind my own business and let him work it our for himself.

[aap1966]

Only if he asks....

[Porsche-O-Phile]

IMHO staying together just for the kids is pretty dumb. All he's doing is setting himself up to be a statistic once the kids are on their own. There are a lot of people (I'd welcome some stats here but they're oddly hard to come by for court related matters) who get into their 50s or even early 60s and end up in divorce proceedings once they find themselves an "empty nester", living with someone they don't particularly like anymore and with whom they have little in common.

IMHO it's better to rip the band-aid off now rather than wait. If he's in his 40s he still has time to build a new life with someone who might appreciate him, emerge with some hope of still being able to retire, etc. The folks that go through it in their 50s and 60s seem to fare far worse since they're usually in their "prime earning" years (read: "get screwed far worse by the courts") and they're often too old to seriously start thinking about dating, cultivating a new relationship, etc. A lot of folks (especially men) end up unable to ever retire once they get hit with the inevitable onerous lifetime alimony payments and can't leave their job to do anything else they might otherwise want to or have planned on doing (for the same reason, plus it's nearly impossible to get hired in your 50s / 60s now anyway because companies are concerned about potential healthcare costs and the high salary expectations of experienced / seasoned older workers). They become de facto slaves. I'm willing to bet the suicide rate is pretty high for those who find themselves in this situation too (hopeless situation, nothing to really work for in a meaningful way after a lifetime of experience building, etc.). I believe this was discussed during debates in FL lately where the legislature recently passed legislation to end lifetime alimony, a measure later vetoed...

Divorce utterly and completely sucks and as a male your friend is GOING to get screwed, but if he waits it'll likely only be worse. If he can end things amicably with his spouse that would be the best option (he can offer her he freedom she wants without a fight if the terms are reasonable and mutually developed rather than imposed by a male-hating "judicial" system).

I feel for the guy. What a crappy situation. I'm truly sorry for him and I hope he finds his way out of it with minimal damage to his relationship with his kids and his financial future. If I were him I'd seriously consider a "mid life crisis" that results in him working a job earning less than she does (call it "following your heart" or "pursuing your lifelong dream" or whatever - just make sure he ends up making less money and thereby paints a smaller bullseye on his back or better still, lands him in a situation where she's at risk of paying HIM - easier to negotiate from a position of strength...)

Marriage sucks mostly because the divorce laws make it suck. Hopefully he won't make that mistake again!

[dennis in se pa]

I believe staying together "for the kids" is correct. At least until the youngest is 18. Might want to prepare so that as the assets grow between now and then you don't lose half of it. Quietly get divorced now, and just live together until the right time? Some sort of financial agreement arrangement put in place now?

[onewhippedpuppy]

I really wonder if it's better for the kids. What example does it send for the kids to see mom and dad frequently fighting and not sharing any affection? For many of the relationships that I've seen end in divorce, the path leading to divorce was very rocky, especially for the kids.

Sounds like indifference has set in with your friend and his wife, which is definitely easier to manage than anger. Also probably better odds that they could have an amicable divorce. Were it me, I'd offer up that "I've been there", and tell him that I'm always available for advice or just to talk. Let him come to you when he feels the time is right.

I hate divorce, and feel that every effort should be made to save your marriage. But at the end of the day, life is too short to stick with bad relationships.

[notfarnow]

My wife and I separated in the spring... multitude of issues, none of them were getting better despite lots of effort and years of marriage counselling. Two kids, 3 and 5. It was a really tough thing to deal with, especially the first 2-3 months, but now I can see plainly that it was the right thing. They are in the old house (for now) with their mom 4 days a week, and I have them 3 days a week. I bought an old house that I'm renovating. Kids are young and adapting quickly, it seems chaotic and messy to everyone on the OUTSIDE, but for my kids I see that they sleep in a house EVERY NIGHT where there is no resentment, bitterness or arguments. We were NOT in a relationship I would have wanted my kids to ever replicate. It would have broken my heart to feel that we had made them accept that as "normal".

[ckelly78z]

I have been married for 26 years and fully expect another 26 years, but I have to work at it, and not just take it for granted. I can't imagine staying in a loveless, bad marriage for the kids, how is that any example to set for them. I believe the kids will understand at some point, but possibly not right away why Mom and Dad aren't staying together. I fully agree with Porsche-o-phile that if you want to start working on the life that you want, you shouldn't wait till you are 50 years old, because everything is more difficult at that point whether it be dating, retirement planning, or completely starting over with a new wife.

As far as giving advice, I think I would hold my tongue until asked for your opinion. You need to tell him that you are there if he needs to talk or vent, or just hang out and have a beer. Just being there for him is far better than overstepping boundaries.

[Scuba Steve]

My wife's parents stayed together for the kids (kid, because she's an only). In hindsight I'm not sure whether it was a good idea or not. They were incredibly dysfunctional and I wouldn't have believed half of what she said without seeing some of it for myself. In the end I think they're together because splitting up would be expensive and they are cheap. They're basically roomates, and I don't even think they share a bedroom on the same floor.

It wasn't good for my wife - it took a long time as well as seeing someone to deal with all that she ended up going through since her mother in particular put a lot of the blame on her.

[911_Dude]

You only get one life. I dont get why people waste years away with someone that doesnt work for them. Kids- there are "good" divorces and there are bad divorces. If the parents keep the blame game out of their kids lives and just try to do whats best for them, it will work out. But just staying together for the kids is wrong in my book because they are just being tought what a dysfunctional relationship looks like. He should break it off now and move on.

[livi]

BTDT. Its hell.

I was at the time not receptive to other peoples advice. But I would listen to friends telling their own similar story. That helped to slowly make the reality of my situation sink in.

[Tobra]

If you don't ditch the wrong one, you can never get together with the right one.



BTW, the kid already knows they don't like each other. He is 8, not stupid.

[strupgolf]

I seperated from my wife today after 43 years of marriage. She went to work and I stayed home. It's nice to be retired.

[Gretch]

I could never understand how a guy could live in a house with a woman who was receiving the benefits of marriage, with no intention of behaving like a wife.

The guy will know when he is ready.......... when he is willing to walk out of the place with nothing but the cloths on his back.......... he is "ready". Until then, especially if you call yourself a "friend"........., don't interfere..... simply listen.

[recycled sixtie]

Originally Posted by aap1966

Only if he asks....

Good advice here.^^^^^^

Even a good marriage needs effort.

Look at Larry King. He was married 6 times and it appears that he had the same problems with each one.

If you watch Dr. Phil children of divorce are more likely to do drugs later and have personal problems.

Sometimes the grass is greener on the other side and sometimes it is not. Only the ones involved know whether it is worth saving or not....

Guy

[zehnd]

Not for everyone but a buddy of mine and his ex live in a duplex that was designed for the kids to keep their bedrooms but the parents live in separate residences. They were even on the Katie show about it.

Two exes, one house

[nota]

she moved-in in 1972
and is still here

[imcarthur]

Staying in a loveless marriage - yeah, like many I was there. I had hunkered down for the long term. 2 kids (6 & 9), on our 3rd house climbing the lower middle class, pool, pets, necrophiliac sex once a week. I worked for the family cash & I cooked when I wasn't on the road. She kept the house stocked & the kids organized. Perfect on the outside, horribly wrecked internally. She knew it but I couldn't admit it. I was two people for years. Me – the one my kids, co-workers & friends enjoyed & the zombie that was just for her. Then one day in May, I confronted her with questions about her social network & she informed me that she was going on a date. Yeah, that went over well. I stayed for another 3 seething months & then we did 6 months of trial separation swapping a house/cruddy rental with only one of us in the house with the kids at a time. That was a bad move btw. An evil time. The kids saw it but we both kept them shielded from the worst. I made the decision to totally pull the plug – she was too weak to do it – in January, standing in a bordering lounge in Las Vegas after a show. Over the next year, I descended to depths . . . it wasn't pretty.

My kids survived it all reasonably well but they did have some minor scars that surfaced later. We were able to identify them early & deal with them since we had both moved on to better relationships. My new wife’s son was a different matter & he took more than a decade to normalize due to deep scars over their break up. Principals, social workers, Psychologists, psychiatrists, lock-down schools, cops, judges + 13 years. I can honestly say that my participation in his normalization is one of my life’s biggest accomplishments.

Financially, I lost everything & had to start completely over at 38.

Counsel your friend to move on if he asks. Life is too short.

Ian

[Oh Haha]

My first wife and I divorced after only 2.5 years. We did not have kids together(she had a daughter from a previous relationship). Different scenario from the poster's situation I know. After a long time of trying and getting nowhere, neither of us were happy. We finally decided to call it quits. Clean break as we had no financial business or children. She kept the house and I moved on to a better life.

Now, with a clear head I can say that we BOTH did things wrong that caused the marriage to fail. No, I didn't stay out all night and was found in a compromising situation but the way it was dealt with was not healthy. It was a horrible time in everyone's life. At the time, I had friends and family that were supportive but I couldn't see the obvious due to a determination to make it work. I didn't want to be divorced and tried everything I could to "hope and wish" it to be better. You cannot change someone that doesn't want the same thing as you.

Me maturing and not dealing with problems in a childish manner probably would have helped.....

I don't know your friend but there usually is 2 sides of a story.

That being said, I think the experience of being in a bad marriage helps me realize what I have with my wife now. We aren't perfect but even at the worst of times I can say honestly that it has never felt like the old way.


There IS hope even after a divorce to find happiness.

[gacook]

Originally Posted by dennis in se pa

I believe staying together "for the kids" is correct. At least until the youngest is 18. Might want to prepare so that as the assets grow between now and then you don't lose half of it. Quietly get divorced now, and just live together until the right time? Some sort of financial agreement arrangement put in place now?

What's better for the kids: seeing a dysfunctional relationship where there is little to no love between their parents, or seeing their parents split up, find happiness elsewhere (maybe), and possibly even becoming friends again?

[Rikao4]

he's shared some very personal info...
stuff that most men don't talk about..
you call him a close friend of many years...
and have personal experience....

going against the grain I guess...
you need to speak up...
even if you just relay your adventure..

Rika