Stupidity vs deceit

[dennis in se pa]

My 26 year relationship ended about 2.5 years ago. The first 15 to 20 years were great. But I finally had enough of the deceit. The stupidity was never a issue , but it occurs to me that is part of it. Too stupid to know other people of average intelligence see through your deceit. "I did not lie to you, I just did not tell you everything" is what stays in my head. Now happily single with my dogs I in no way want her or any other woman in my life, at least at this time. The termination was amicable. The 2 kids appreciate that. We are still on good terms.

Anyone else in a similar situation ?

[Don Ro]

Tons of info here...about which you speak.
.
Deceit, lying, originates from a few motives...not the least of which is what the psych community calls "appearance management."
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Basics of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

[reverie]

Hi, Dennis. Long time, man...

Don nailed it. Borderline Personality Disorder. Extremely nasty, incurable, and untreatable. It happened to my wife, and I had to get divorced to save myself. She was cheating on me openly on craigslist, and she even admitted it in couples therapy, as if there was nothing wrong! After I moved out and we sold the house, her life went in the crapper because the lies are constant. Her family has nothing to do with her, her friends left her, and she has genital herpes (on her lips, etc) from her cheating. It's been estimated that the incidence of herpes is 30% - 50% among the people on the singles websites, and it's now thought that it can be contracted even when the symptoms aren't visible. Herpes is already an epidemic, and it's just going to get worse.

Besides myself, other men on this forum have had failed relationships due to BPD, and it's been discussed 2 or 3 times in the time I've been here. I'm sorry that it happened to you. There is nothing you could've done differently.

I must say, it's really good to hear from you!

_

[Don Ro]

I was engaged to a BPD ($18,000 Diamond ring) for over a year...we were together for 2 years.
Yes, got the ring back and a refund.

The one thing that ended it for me, aside from the deceit, manipulation, uncaring, and her constant "taking" (more like usury), was her abject absence of Empathy.
I told her often that I felt alone when I was with her...didn't disconcert her in the least.
Just an empty, fraudulent statement, "Oh, I'm sorry that you feel that way."

A wise man would do well to study-up on personality disorders...especially NPD, because it's rampant in this society.
NPD is co-morbid with BPD.
I'm a more informed and developed person for the experience...I wouldn't trade the time with her for anything.
I can more easily hear and see issues that women have much earlier now.
I know what questions to ask...and so many women leave quickly, now...and/or I exit stage left.
Lack of self-awareness is rampant, today.

The internet is full of info on P. Disorders.
.
Take care, all.

[wdfifteen]

I hear you. As my wife says, give yourself the gift of a year. Spend a year learning who you are outside the shadow of another person.
I had two long term relationships before I found myself - one was a prescription drug addict and one was a habitual liar. The liar was much worse.

[aap1966]

Originally Posted by dennis in se pa

.......The 2 kids appreciate that. We are still on good terms...............

All that matters. You seem to have a good handle on things.

Even if your ex is a serial killer, don't run them down in front of the kids. When the kids are mature enough, they'll realise what the ex is really like. Before they have that maturity, they'll potentially resent you for pointing it out.

Hope the curve continues to swing upward for you.

[Holger]

Kids = Dogs?

[sc_rufctr]

I can relate... "I did not lie to you, I just did not tell you everything"

The first sign of trouble in my marriage was the lack of respect. That's the worst feeling.
You work hard for decades only to be deceived in the end.

Whatever. My life is great now.

[ckelly78z]

Luckily, my marriage has endured all of our financial and health problems for 27 years as of today (27th anniversary today). We are different people than we were then, and luckily have changed together, we have always had respect for each other, and I don't believe we have ever lied to each other. It certainly hasn't been easy, but anything good isn't.

[dennis in se pa]

Great input, never thought about BPD or any of that. Most people I know seem to think honesty is optional. So I have only a few people I call friends. The rest are merely acquaintances. The kids are in their mid 20's and fine with the situation. I am down to two dogs, having acquired one and lost 3 in the past several years. Someone I talked to said that for at least 2 years after his divorce "all woman were poison". I don't feel that way.

Living by yourself gives you a freedom that I welcome. I don't think I could do it without my dogs, though. They are my buds.

The "appearance management" concept - most people seem to have that issue. They try to make it appear they are successful even if they are not. That is what credit cards are for, right?

[onewhippedpuppy]

Originally Posted by ckelly78z

Luckily, my marriage has endured all of our financial and health problems for 27 years as of today (27th anniversary today). We are different people than we were then, and luckily have changed together, we have always had respect for each other, and I don't believe we have ever lied to each other. It certainly hasn't been easy, but anything good isn't.

Same here. Sometimes hard work, but the good outnumbers the bad by far. 15 years together, 13 married. Best decision I ever made.

[Chocaholic]

Ditto. Don't get the impression that all women are bad. More often than not, it's a two way street. Perhaps not in the instances above, but this is a small sample.

22 years of respect, love, compassion and sharing. Three kids and a future to walk through hand-in-hand. Keep the faith, be careful (that one's important), but keep the faith. Life is great with the right person. But as already stated, the risk of a mistake is a big one. Proceed with caution if/when the time is right. Most importantly, think with the right head when making these decisions. That one is easier when you're older and not-quite-so-horny.

[fintstone]

Had some hard times in life and marriage...but it all worked out for the best. It would have been easy to walk away and give up, but we did not. It is never perfect and neither partner ever is. We celebrate our 39th anniversary next month. Life is probably best now in many ways...approaching retirement/golden years with the right partner, enjoying what we built together.

It must be difficult to split up after many years, both mentally and financially. I would not wish it on anyone. Getting older is bad enough by itself (especially physically).

[asphaltgambler]

Originally Posted by sc_rufctr

I can relate... "I did not lie to you, I just did not tell you everything".........................................first sign of trouble in my marriage was the lack of respect. That's the worst feeling...........................Whatever. My life is great now.

For me - this statement completely encapsulates one of my worst relationships.............ever. In the end, a completely self-absorbed redhead btw.....................

[Oh Haha]

My first marriage was toxic. We just should NOT have been together. Once we realized this, life got much better. No kids and the divorce was amicable and pretty painless financially.

My best friend and his wife divorced after over 20 years recently. I don't know why and it doesn't matter to me. I was dumbfounded when I found out as they had, in my mind, the perfect relationship. They raised a great daughter who just turned 18 and is destined for great success.

[Rikao4]

all I can add to Choco's post..
is my number..
33 yrs ..and I'm very fortunate to have her in my life..

Rika

[dennis in se pa]

I guess part of this is as you get older (I am 64) the sex is not as important to you, and you realize all you have been putting up with just to get your end wet. And you realize it is not worth it anymore.