End of Life Reality

[JavaBrewer]

It sucks.

My Father passed Dec 2016. Dementia and Alzheimers complications from his diabetes. He was sharp, in control, and confident. Hard working all his days. The neighbor everyone wanted. A guys guy. He would pull over when he saw a person struggling and offer help.

Thankfully we (wife and I) were there to hold his hand as he departed. The location was a decidedly run down nursing home in a bad part of town. Not what he anticipated but thankfully he didn't recognize it.

I have posted a couple times here hinting on the event...traumatic for me, but I am moving forward and accepting of the finality we all face. I am this year 55 and for the first time terrified, not of passing, but of dissolving into a helpless person who doesn't even grasp the situations or the loved ones at the bedside.

That said I think my Dad understood the situation. I have regrets. Two days before he passed he was fighting the nurses, unaware of almost everything, he grasped me by my arm and said "I want to go to the beach and have a beer". His eyes were shockingly blue and bright, but I knew he didn't even recognize me, or anyone at that point. I was stricken with doubt. All things said, the drive and beer didn't happen. The next morning he did not wake and his body fought to hold on for the next 18 hours. I will remember, and regret, that for the rest of my life.

There is no escape for anyone.

Some may see this video as disrespectful, but for me, it chronicles the fall in a heartbreaking way. One is busy with life, the other not so much.



My Father's name was Jules. He was not the best Father around, but he was mine and I loved, love, him still.

[kach22i]

Sounds like it's time to go to the beech and have that beer for him in his honor.

Maybe plant a tree while you are at it.

[Bill Douglas]

Umm. At much the same time my mum and a friends mother went down hill at the same time. My mum's brain was GREAT but her body was worn out. My friends mother was great but had lost her mind. We joked about the excellent mum we could make using one as spare parts for the other.

My mum died quickly and the other mum lasted four of five years dying slowly. A combination of Dementia and Alzheimers, and not knowing who her son was. Plus endless trouble with the old peoples homes/Dementia units. They just saw her as a nuisance old lady who pooed her pants, whereas my friend always saw her as his dearly beloved mother.

I guess I had it easier but it didn't look like it at the time.

Maybe, for his sake, he's best off not lasting years like this.

And yes, a beer at the beach sounds like a good idea

[john70t]

My father passed away December 2013 from Lewy Bodies dementia. There are many different types of dementias and it is the second most prevalent behind Alzheimers. Symptoms are like a combo with Parkinsons with paranoia and it's a 2-3 year fast roller coaster down instead of a 5-10 long slide. Drugs and treatments are very different from Alztheimers and not to be mixed up.
He was too busy with the rest of the world for our family but memories of the few times we did have are still treasured.
I'm still ticked he is not around now that I have more time. But as the saying goes:"youth is wasted on the young".

My condolences. They are not easy times.

[look 171]

Hey Dave, I am so sorry for the lost of your father. We must move forward and that will keep us young.

I lost my father about 4 months ago. I missed his departure by 10 minutes (took mom home for a shower and we were heading back). He lungs were failing and had been in a nursing home for about 1.5 year. We knew the time will come and we decided to give him morphine to ease his pain the final two days. He was alert and have had many dinner conversations through the speaking valve, ate big healthy meals with us when possible. His wish was to come home so when he got stronger we had him home for some time. It happened so fast when he checked back in the hospital due to some dark color in his phlegm and we wanted to make sure if it was pneumonia, it would be treated early. He left us two weeks after he checked in.

I would go to the nursing home daily for 2-4 hours just to keep him company and make sure he's being taken care of. I miss him daily.

[look 171]

DAve, you have a few years on me but seriously, how many good years do we really have, 15 really great ones? By then we will be 65. I now watch what I eat and go out on our training ride every Saturday and get dragged around like a dead dog for 50 miles just so I can walk and dance (I don't dance) when I turn 65. Staying active is th e key

[pwd72s]

Damn...sorry to hear of your dad's passing. Hang on to the good memories, try to forget the bad ones.

The 50's seems to be the age we are in when our parents go...

Yes, we're next.

[billybek]

Looking at care facilities for my dad now. He has dementia like symptoms and has good days and some not so good days. His ability to speak has deteriorated over the last few years and that has been very tough on my mom. You can see the gears spinning and that he has something to say but cannot get the right words out.
I am 54 and my dad is almost 90 years old and that is pretty amazing due to the fact that he made his living as a weldor in a time when OH&S wasn't a consideration.

Very sorry to hear of your dad's passing.

[RKDinOKC]

Condolences.

Was primary care giver for my Mother her last 10 years with dimentia. Was so glad I could work from home and take care of her in our home where everything was familiar to her. Think it made a huge difference for her.

[wdfifteen]

You were there with Jules when he needed you. It's hard to know what to to in the moment, and we always look back and think we could have done something differently. You're a son who loves and misses his dad. Nothing wrong with that. Go to the beach, have a beer for Jules.

[DanielDudley]

If you think about it, your dad did make his escape.

I'm sorry for your loss. At some point you will remember the good times.

[onewhippedpuppy]

Really sorry David, I went through it recently with my grandmother. About a 1.5 year slide into dementia, very hard for me but even harder on my mother. Eventually the good memories will again overtake the bad ones, eventually. Go have that beer on the beach, maybe take two.

[Gretch]

This passing thing is emotionally tough on the living.......I sometimes wonder if that is of our own making...........

[sammyg2]

My family has been fighting a similar battle for a few years now.

Many people claim to believe in life after death, but are still scared of dying.
Only a few of us actually mean it.

[Borders Reivers]

Death. Why fear what you can't do anything about? Along with a sizable crowd, I look forward to mine. Just another job to get done.

There are some that pray to God each night that I don't get diagnosed with an incurable illness.

[sc_rufctr]

My dad passed nearly 20 years ago and I still think of him often. He was a good guy. Always trying to do the right thing and family came first but in the end he went quietly.

I have no regrets and you shouldn't either. I wanted him to live longer but he had diabetes and died of a heart attack on the dialysis chair! He was only 57 years old! (long painful story) In the months before the end they had cut off both his legs and 4 of his fingers. He lost his left eye after getting laser surgery that went bad a few years earlier.

He was frustrated and unhappy. He stuck to his diet and took his medication but things still went from bad to worse. He was heart broken when he couldn't drive anymore. The only joys he had left was his family & watching the soccer. The night before he died Italy lost and were out of the world cup final. He was very happy about that result! (long back story here)

In time things WILL get better but you shouldn't feel guilty. You love him and he knows that and that's all that matters.

[greglepore]

I feel your pain. Its been year for me. Just recently he's been visiting regularly in my dreams- both a blessing and a haunt. Loved the old guy.


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[rcecale]

Randy

[LEAKYSEALS951]

I was in a harbor freight last Saturday killing time and wished my dad was there. He is still alive, but with advanced dementia to the point where taking him out in public, away from familiar surroundings would be a mistake, but I was wishing I could have him there, browsing the cheap tools like he loved to do.

He always loved harbor freight, especially the "sales", and I would really like to get him on a good day, take him in there, and let him pic out some cheap tool set or something, just to give us one last sense on normalcy. I think he always liked buying the tools more than the project itself- something about the potential of owning a porta-power tool, even if he never used it to it's full potential, just having it around opened up a world of possibility.

I doubt his wife would let him do it, and even I doubt it would be wise at this point, but I wish we could do it. I might run it by her, although it probably wouldn't be feasible. Wouldn't hurt to ask.

[Evans, Marv]

You gentlemen are lucky to experience good relationships with your dads/parents/family. Both my parents passed years ago. Our environment growing up (me & two sisters) was like an emotional desert, where our parents fed & clothed us but much beyond that - pretty much nothing. One of their favorite sayings was the one that children were to be seen and not heard. My little sister, the last to leave, experienced a pretty negative environment. I used to wonder that friends' parents actually treated their kids a real people when I was at their houses as a kid. So even though things probably haven't always been perfect, be glad you had the relationships. I will say something about the "end of life reality." When you yourself arrive at that zone, it becomes a rather interesting situation. I've been slow to make my end of life arrangements, but will probably complete that this month or next. It's kind of a "taking care of business" kind of thing. I never had children, so I don't have to worry about that. But I can only say you go through life sometimes putting things off because you have time ahead of you. It's an odd feeling to arrive at that point where you begin to understand you likely don't have that luxury anymore.