End of Life Reality

[unclebilly]

I dread the day, and I know it is coming. My dad is starting to make the poor decisions associated with the onset of dimensia.

We rescued him from Thailand this spring and I heard from his neighbor that he is talking about going back...

At least we now have his affairs in order.

[Crowbob]

I try to focus on the other end of the reality of life. Like this moment camping with grampa today:

[matthewb0051]

Dave

My father died alone on May 1, 2017. He lived about 500 miles away from me and in the end he was alone. Very hard to take as I had to call the police to go check on him. I truly believe that the night before the police found him he visited me and told me to send someone to find his body.

I miss him every day. So many times I want to pick up the phone and call but then realize I cannot.

Crap, now I'm tearing up.

All the best

[MMARSH]

Timely thread for me. My father passed away in November 2016 and as his birthday approches, I find I've been an emotional wreck. Lots of thinking about life, and of death. I'm really having a hard time dealing with it.....Does this get better? I've seriously thought I might need to get some help.....

My Condolences to all of you who've lost a parent. I had no idea it would be this difficult. ...

[Crowbob]

Yes Michael, it does get better. If you think you may need help getting through it, by all means get some.

We each maneuver ourselves through grief in our own unique ways. The years of contemplating the deaths of my parents has brought me to a more peaceful place. A place wherein kindness, patience and honor lie.

Their deaths, and the death of my dearest friend, have afforded me an insight into the inevitability of my own demise. To appreciate the small things, the young things and to enjoy the tiny moments of nature such as the photo above is what their deaths have given me.

For which I thank them daily.

It does get better.

[vash]

sorry for the loss.

been thru it twice. the guilt is the worst..and usually self generated. let it go.

[upsscott]

Originally Posted by JavaBrewer

It sucks.



My Father passed Dec 2016. Dementia and Alzheimers complications from his diabetes. He was sharp, in control, and confident. Hard working all his days. The neighbor everyone wanted. A guys guy. He would pull over when he saw a person struggling and offer help.



Thankfully we (wife and I) were there to hold his hand as he departed. The location was a decidedly run down nursing home in a bad part of town. Not what he anticipated but thankfully he didn't recognize it.



I have posted a couple times here hinting on the event...traumatic for me, but I am moving forward and accepting of the finality we all face. I am this year 55 and for the first time terrified, not of passing, but of dissolving into a helpless person who doesn't even grasp the situations or the loved ones at the bedside.



That said I think my Dad understood the situation. I have regrets. Two days before he passed he was fighting the nurses, unaware of almost everything, he grasped me by my arm and said "I want to go to the beach and have a beer". His eyes were shockingly blue and bright, but I knew he didn't even recognize me, or anyone at that point. I was stricken with doubt. All things said, the drive and beer didn't happen. The next morning he did not wake and his body fought to hold on for the next 18 hours. I will remember, and regret, that for the rest of my life.



There is no escape for anyone.



Some may see this video as disrespectful, but for me, it chronicles the fall in a heartbreaking way. One is busy with life, the other not so much.







My Father's name was Jules. He was not the best Father around, but he was mine and I loved, love, him still.

I feel your pain. My mother, once a concert pianist is now battling dementia. I know our time is short with her as far as her memory goes. It's tough to see her melt away. All we can do is be with her, like you were with your Dad.

[-Levi-]

i don't know if this helps or not, but sometimes knowing that other people around you feel the same way and are dealing with the same kinds of things can really help, or at least help you know that what you are feeling and what you are going through is completely normal.

my grandfather passed away in January, I'm 29 and my father is in his early 60's. my father held his father’s hand as he slowly slipped away, my dad knew hours before the event it would be his last day, he just knew. he had been with him for a months prior, helping his mother, brothers and sisters as they went though all of this. Every day they would talk for the few short hours my grand father was awake, he would help him use the restroom, get water... everything he could to make him comfortable. my grandfather was a big part of the community, a big part of the small town he had lived in for nearly 90 years. like your father he was a man’s man. he would always be there for anyone and everyone that needed him.

My father hasn't been the same since he lost his dad. He talks about how he is getting older and how he won’t always be around. He is starting to doubt his abilities even though he is in amazing shape (last year we went for a 30 mile bike ride and I struggled to keep up with him, he will run circles around me when landscaping a yard or doing weekend projects. I can tell it bothers him “like you” he tosses out hints that its bothering him, when I try to engage he kind of shuts down. At the same time he wants to be around us kids more and more. I think this is something we will all go through, your post reminded me so much of my father its scary.
Im sorry for your loss, I feel awful for my grandfathers passing but it’s nowhere close to how my father feels and I can only imagine you’re feeling the same. As others have said, maybe its time to go have that beer on the beach, I wish there was more or something I could say to help.

[pwd72s]

Originally Posted by MMARSH

Timely thread for me. My father passed away in November 2016 and as his birthday approches, I find I've been an emotional wreck. Lots of thinking about life, and of death. I'm really having a hard time dealing with it.....Does this get better? I've seriously thought I might need to get some help.....

My Condolences to all of you who've lost a parent. I had no idea it would be this difficult. ...

Michael, from my experience, a parent's death will always hurt. But in time, it will hurt less. Maybe take his old Goat for a run on his birthday? It's about hanging on to good memories. Every time I grab one of my dad's tools, I smile...

[Gretch]

One thing would seem constant in these experiences. The closer one is to a person in life, irrespective of the nature of the relationship, the harder it is to let go.

Seems obvious???????? yeah.

No stories here of people who have had parents pass on, where there was no real relationship........

I can say from experience, it is a reflective but otherwise, non event.

So, you had a close relationship with the deceased? well, lucky you........ the pain you are feeling is the loss of that rare and unique gift that not everyone experiences.

[sc_rufctr]

Originally Posted by upsscott

I feel your pain. My mother, once a concert pianist is now battling dementia. I know our time is short with her as far as her memory goes. It's tough to see her melt away. All we can do is be with her, like you were with your Dad.

That's sad to read. Wishing you and your family the best during this hard time.

[Baz]

Sorry for the loss of your father, David...but much respect that you were there to hold his hand as he got his wings.

Go have that beer at the beach...and do it every year on his birthday. "Here's to you, pop...I love and miss you...."

[unclebilly]

Originally Posted by LEAKYSEALS951

I was in a harbor freight last Saturday killing time and wished my dad was there. He is still alive, but with advanced dementia to the point where taking him out in public, away from familiar surroundings would be a mistake, but I was wishing I could have him there, browsing the cheap tools like he loved to do.

I doubt his wife would let him do it, and even I doubt it would be wise at this point, but I wish we could do it. I might run it by her, although it probably wouldn't be feasible. Wouldn't hurt to ask.

Go get him and take him with you. I posted this before in another thread but my brother and I took my 99+ year old grandma with dimensia out of the nursing home numerous times. We would wheel her over to the West Edmonton Mall in her wheel chair numerous times. We would call up the wheel chair cab to take her out to supper or for drives around town. These outings really perked her up, even though she didn't always know who we were or what was going on. Suddenly she would perk up with the neatest memories and show she knew who we were.

Honestly, what are you afraid of? I'm so glad we did this with her. I wish we did this sort of thing with my mom before she passed. She wanted to take a train trip across Canada but my dad wouldn't hear of it. I wish we took her.

[look 171]

Originally Posted by unclebilly

Go get him and take him with you. I posted this before in another thread but my brother and I took my 99+ year old grandma with dimensia out of the nursing home numerous times. We would wheel her over to the West Edmonton Mall in her wheel chair numerous times. We would call up the wheel chair cab to take her out to supper or for drives around town. These outings really perked her up, even though she didn't always know who we were or what was going on. Suddenly she would perk up with the neatest memories and show she knew who we were.

Honestly, what are you afraid of? I'm so glad we did this with her. I wish we did this sort of thing with my mom before she passed. She wanted to take a train trip across Canada but my dad wouldn't hear of it. I wish we took her.

I agree with you on this.

Dad was on a ventilator, but we brought him home because that's what he wanted. So we did after a few months. We sat around and had dinner like we would normally do on some weekends. Grandkids visit and hang around. We took him outside and walked with him with a portable unit so he can see sit in his backyard. It was great when it lasted for a couple of months. My sister and i would stop by daily just to hang out at the house with him and mom. Thankfully we has some help, someone to look after him. It was all worth it.

Leak, do it or else you will kick yourself when he's gone. I still can see that day when I was siting in the kitchen table eating watermelon with him after dinner. The two of us talked about the trip we took to Alaska with the grandkids some years ago.

There are no regrets on my part becasue we did the best we can for him and he knew it. We were there at the facility daily, brought him dinner or lunch. My only regrets was not making it there holding his hand as he passed. Mom and I should have stayed. My sister was there but he passed just when she went off to the restroom. Mom and I are having a hard time with that but we did all we can. I stayed holding his hand for a few hours until the mortuary people came to take him. the nurses had to kick me out so they can take all the IVs off him. I just couldn't leave him be by himself for this journey.

[RKDinOKC]

Okay, here goes. Family...

Came home from college to help my Mom take care of my Dad until he passed. I was the one in the hospital room holding his hand when he passed peacefully. He was in ICU and they only let one family member visit at a time. Being the one in the room was like Russian roulette. He did smile at me when I took his hand. Told me I was a good son.

The day Dad died my brother 13 years older was on his first day of a new job, got served, an ex was suing him for more alimony and child support. He also had his first big MS attack. Took care of the house while Mom spent most of her time helping brother's current wife take care of him.

Then ex decided she couldn't handle 14 yo problem teen. Brother with MS definitely couldn't handle the stress of a problem teen. Mom and I took the teen and took care of him for 2 years. After his grades went from Fs to As and he stopped getting into fights his Mom took him back.

Within a couple of months Brothers current wife divorced him. He had gotten to the point he was using a motorized cart and couldn't walk. Over the trip from Atlanta to OKC he went from barely being able to transfer to being able to walk short distances with a cane. Amazing what removing stress from your life can do, expecially with MS.

Over the next few years Mom and I took care of brother with MS. I bought a house that was handicap accessible and big enough for all three of us to live comfortably. Took 3 months to find one that could even be converted.

As his disease progressed and he became wheelchair dependent. He ran into and old HS girlfriend at his reunion and she latched onto him and really helped. But that was too good. Mom got breast cancer, it was removed and in remission. But another older brother thought taking care of Brother with MS would be too much for her convinced brother and his HS girlfriend to move to her not very accessible place.

Before we could sort that out the drugs they put Mom on to supposedly keep the cancer from coming back caused a stroke. She just about recovered and it was followed by a second, then came the slow fading of post stroke dementia. Very similar to Alzheimers.

We visited my brother with MS and his HS sweetheart often. At one point they got married but as common with MS he declined and passed. I am grateful he only lasted for 1 full day that he couldn't verbally communicate any more. Mom and I visited him a lot over the last 2 weeks. My older brother didn't visit until the very last day when the doctors said he would pass any minute.

That same spring we had a big hailstorm and got the house re-roofed and repainted. I stepped on a freakin roofing nail and it changed my life. It got a MRSA infection (penicillin resistant). For 14 days the doctor was telling me to get my affairs in order. Then that they might not be able to save my foot. Ended up just loosing a toe. They used some new powder stuff that grew back the 1/3 of the flesh they had cut off my foot. But the MRSA infection had gotten into my blood and wreaked havoc.

The MRSA infection in my blood gave me insulin shooting diabetes and several of complications of diabetes, neuropathy (loss of feeling in extremities), blood vessels popping and making sores on my legs, retinopathy (same thing in the eye which also causes cataracts), and digestive disorders. But thankfully no liver problems or circulation problems in the extremities. I was NOT diabetic at all before the infection.

I took a full year to grow my foot back, but during that time of being bedfast I still had to take care of Mom. Hired my SIL to be our shopper. Hired a maid. Ordered delivery a lot, and paid several people to be a runners to get food for us. The only time I was supposed to get up from having my foot elevated above my heart was to use the restroom. But also cooked and did things for Mom.

After being able to get around again I had problems with my sisters. My 2 sisters would come visit a few of times a year and in the guise of helping deep clean would try to throw Mom's stuff away saying she would never use it. Even worse they would try to rearrange everything. They didn't understand it made Mom feel like her things were disappearing like her memories and abilities to do things. They eventually got so pissed at me for stopping them the quit coming to visit. Honestly they didn't come often enough for Mom to remember who they were.

Our 13 yo golden retriever died and Mom refused to get out of bed. It was her dog and it slept with her. The last best thing I did was immediately replace it with a new Golden Retriever puppy. She latched onto it and got a lot more active to take care of the puppy. She even started cooking again, something she hadn't done for years. Instead of asking me several times on the way to her hair dresser where we were going, she would remind me she had to get ready to go to the hair dressers.

After 3 months of increased clarity Mom passed very early one morning walking back to bed after going to the bathroom. The puppy came in, woke me, lead me to her, and licked her face. I don't know which was worse emotionally. Mom passing or the reaction of the puppy.

Did my best to make all their last days as comfortable as I could. Still sometimes think I could have done better. Should have stood up to my older brother and moved the MS brother's girlfriend in to live with us instead of my brother moving them out. It would have been so much easier on all of us with two care givers instead of splitting us up. Don't know what my older brother said but the MS brother and is wife would not stay.

As far as getting over it. Mom passed in March of 2015. Haven't done much of anything except work since. Miss her even though it seemed like she slowly faded away. A little over 2 years since Mom passed and am just now getting around to cleaning Mom and brother's stuff out of the house and fix it up for myself. Spent everything extra taking care of them so looking for refinancing on the house to get some money together to clean up and fix up the place.

[Don Ro]

Originally Posted by upsscott View Post
I feel your pain. My mother, once a concert pianist is now battling dementia. I know our time is short with her as far as her memory goes. It's tough to see her melt away. All we can do is be with her, like you were with your Dad.

Originally Posted by sc_rufctr

That's sad to read. Wishing you and your family the best during this hard time.

Me too. The same from me, brother.

[Don Ro]

This is profound and haunting...for a 72 yr. old to watch.
Sent it to several friends...similar responses from them.

[greglepore]

Michael- its not just grief, obviously. Its the "last man standing" syndrome. I have a much harder time with my own mortality since I lost my dad. I feel differently about my kids as well.

Yeah, it might be useful to get some help with it. I'm a stubborn sort and haven't but I could see how it might be useful. For me, some study of mindfulness meditation has helped.

[recycled sixtie]

I sympathize with the OP but having said that my father passed away age 52. I was 21 at the time and it seemed impossible that my dad could die so soon. I think it is hard to lose a parent whatever their age may be.

He smoked heavily since he was a teenager. He suffered PTSD after WW2 and really never said much. My mother died age 94 and she was the communicator and kept the family going. I say to you that if your parents lived a long time and had a good life then that is great but counselling might help. The passage of time can assuage the grief somewhat but also know that you are not alone.

[sugarwood]

Originally Posted by Don Ro

This is profound and haunting...for a 72 yr. old to watch.
Sent it to several friends...similar responses from them.

Someone's gotta post it