Watching Dad die.

[NY65912]

I don’t post here on the OT too much. But I have read stories from other members of watching a loved one at the end of life. I have been there 3 times before. My Mom and MIL die a painful death from cancer. My FIL pass from kidney failure.
Now once again I am watching a loved one slowly leave this life,, my Dad. Dad is 94 years old. He has been in decline for a few years. He has congestive heart disease and it progressed slowly but really showed its effect in the past year.

Pop fell on his 94th birthday. He got a nice contusion on his forehead and abraded his arm to raw meat. He had to get a transfusion in order to get it to heal.
He was able to come home (lives with sis and BIL). We got him a nurse for 8 hr a day but, he slowly declined in a general way. I would say a very mild case of dementia.

Last week he called and was in a tremendous amount of pain, so in to the hospital he went.

He needed 4 blood transfusions to get his numbers up, he improved a bit. Then all of a sudden he was becoming more difficult to understand, occasionally babbling a not making sense. This has progressed to where he is now incoherent most of the time. On Sat the doc’s said that he had a fracture in the L4 vertebrae that did not show up in the original MRI he had after the fall in September. They also break the news that he has a touch of pneumonia. Sunday we were told that his whit count was very low and the hematologist wanted to give him and injection that would boost his count and it would really make a difference, not so.

I just came back from the hospital; and he is now incoherent. I had to speak to him in his native tongue of Italian to get him to drink a little apple juice. The doc’s just say he is slowly shutting down. I also found out today that his PSA is 52! He had prostate cancer when he was 71 and supposedly beat it with radiation.

Dad was one of the strongest men I have ever met. He was a Bersaglieri during WWII in the Italian army. He escaped being captured by the Germans when the change happened and went on to fight the Germans. He came to the US in 1950, met my Mom and married. He came from a wealth family in Italy that owned olive groves and an olive oil pressing factory. He came here at the prodding of my grandfather who came to the US in 1907 and became a US citizen and enlisted in the US army in WWI and loved this country so much he wanted his son to see it and return home to run the business but he was struck by cupid’s arrow and only returned to visit.

Now, all my memories as a child and young man are rushing through my head, remembering more and more while I watch him wait for death to come.

My sister and I told him to go to Mom, go find Mom.

I pray it comes swiftly and quietly.

So, if I have never commented on your posts of similar nature or suffering of a loved one I apologize but I find it difficult.

[Bill Douglas]

Heart goes out to you Mike. It must be very painful being in your position.

[JavaBrewer]

Your post resonates with own recent (12 months) memories. All our best to you and the family.

[Dan J]

Best to you Mike. Godspeed to Dad

[look 171]

So sorry to hear about your father. I went through this a little over 6 months ago. His death took a lot out of my mother but she''s getting better each day. My sister and I told him to go and everything is going to be alright.

[billybek]

I am very sorry to hear of your dads passing.
Sounds like he had a very full and satisfying life.

We had a surprise a few weeks back when my MIL suddenly passed from a massive hemorrhagic stroke. She was only 75 and was healthy and fit (swam everyday). We had been very concerned about my parents who are approaching their ninth decade but my MIL's passing came out of the blue. My wife was by her mothers side when she passed. Talking to her mom and assuring her that it was ok to go.

Being there and talking to him means so much. For both of you.

[MBAtarga]

Mike, I'm so sorry to hear about your dad's failing health. Mine passed away 5 years ago in May and I still miss him. Make the most of his days left as you can.

[gsxrken]

Mike I hope he does find your Mom and that you can always remember him as he was. Godspeed

[Jeff Alton]

Mike,

All the best to you and your family. Trying times. Thoughts are with you. I remember going through this with my mom and FIL. No greater pain than watching family suffer. Stay strong my friend.

[pwd72s]

One of the toughest times of life. Be strong as you muddle through...yes, I have memories of how tough it is...

[SCadaddle]

Mike,

If it's any condolence, I know what you are going through.

About a month ago, I had a discussion with my 97 year old Dad who is also going through congestive heart failure and probable prostate cancer. We discussed my sister, his oldest daughter, who at 70 was in hospice due to complications of rectal cancer that manifested into bone cancer. I told Dad "You know Dad, we've always been told that a parent should never lose a child, but when you are 97 and your child is 70, it's kind of like all bets are off. It becomes a reality". I took my Dad to see my sister and they had a good private conversation. Then it was my turn to speak with her. I had not seen her for about 8 months, and to see her then I would not have recognized her as my sister. We settled our petty differences in life in that conversation, "we're good....better than ever good" was the last thing she said to me. 2 days later she couldn't communicate with anyone and my brother and her son stayed by her side for the next 3 days before she passed.

As for the PSA number with your Dad, I wouldn't be surprised. I've heard where a PSA test for a man over age 65 is pretty useless data. In my Dads case, about 2 years ago he scored a 28 on a PSA test at age 95 during his yearly physical exam. He was pretty shaken thinking he had prostate cancer, but being too much of a risk for a biopsy, the oncologist decided to wait a month and test him again. He then scored a 48. A month later he scored a 124. Yes, one hundred twenty-four. He was still getting around at this time, went to the office 3 days a week and living at home alone since losing my Mom 7 years ago. The oncologist suggested giving him female hormone injection treatment, and after 2 rounds of injections over a 6 month period he scored a 6.2--yes, six point two. Success of having a low PSA number came with a cost being the side effects of 1) absolute incontinence and 2) lack of muscle throughout the body. Just last month he went through a bout of having a urinary tract infection that we thought should have been resolved with antibiotics, but after seeing his urologist/oncologist that wasn't the case. He still had the UTI. And his PSA number was 140. Yes, one hundred forty. On that visit, prior to being informed of the diagnosis, the Doctor reviewed his PSA numbers in his chart and how he went from a 124 to a 6.2. I asked the Doctor "that's really a case for a medical journal isn't it?!" And he replied that "yes, it really is." So what do you do. The incontinence isn't going to get any better or worse, but the loss of his muscles is a major concern. Does he want to be able to walk frequently with a walker and continue physical therapy or does he want to lay up in the bed with a low PSA number? "That's a no brainer" to quote my Dad.

The battle of the congestive heart failure continues, as that is what ultimately is going to be the end. Elevate the feet and legs above the heart as often as possible and lasiks to manage the fluid. It's a fine line keeping him hydrated enough for his heart to pump, yet not too hydrated for it to work harder. Too much lasiks and dehydration happens.

Mike, I think we have very similar circumstances with our elderly fathers, my family is not far behind yours, and my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Dave

[speeder]

Sorry to hear this but 94 is a hell of a good run. The biggest inheritance our parents pass on to us is their genes and you have good ones.

This BBS is mostly middle aged and older guys so most of us have either gone through this or will be shortly. My dad died 3 years ago this Christmas and my mom is fading @ 86. I had a dream the other night that I was visiting my dad, hopefully I won't actually be seeing him too soon.

I wish you and your family the best.

[wdfifteen]

Many of us have been there. It's never easy. Please understand that this is a natural part of life. He has given you all he can and the time for him to move on is coming. It has always been coming. Take some time to say thank you for all you have been given. A life well lived is the best any of us can hope for, and it sounds like your father has achieved the best. God bless you both.

[NY65912]

Thanks for all the well wishes and thoughts. The hardest part is not being able to help, we can't communicate.

Thanks

[astrochex]

^ You are there for him though. He knows you're there. Your support is immeasurable.

[T77911S]

just went through this with my mom about a month ago, dad has been several years.

what made it easier for me is I said goodbye to my dad when he could understand, then for me once he was "out" I was ready for him to go. the family was together and we all enjoyed memories around dad.

mom was different. she was "out" when I saw her but I did basically say goodbye quite a while before. but basically the same. she had dementia and was pretty bad. she hung on for almost a week. sounds morbid but glad it is over just because I know she/they are not suffering. helps me to deal with the loss. to make it worse we had to put her in a home and we hated that.

just know once they are unconscious they are not suffering.

[Baz]

Sorry for your Dad's condition, Mike. Hoping his practitioners are doing what is possible to keep the pain away during this process. Having you by his side I'm sure helps. I will keep your father in my thoughts and prayers.

I lost my father at 48, when I was age 14, to brain tumor back in '68, but have held his precious memories close to my heart in the years since, as you will too.

Godspeed brother.....

[Porsche-O-Phile]

So sorry to hear this. My own dad had a stroke two years ago (six months after retiring, completely destroying all his exciting plans to do things once he retired and “had his life back” after a lifetime being a slave to the almighty dollar...) It’s been gut-wrenching to watch - seeing this man who has always been a bedrock of stability and boundless energy go to someone who can barely talk or stand (briefly, aided), is whacked out on powerful drugs all the time, etc. is heart-rendering. The worst is seeing the effect on my mother who simply has a hellish existence trying to care for him day in and day out. It’s awful. My dad has told me several times he just wants to die which saddens me greatly even if I can understand why he might say it.

It’s a horrible thing, this “growing older” business... I feel for you and I hope it ends soon and with minimal pain for everyone. It’s agonizing to watch and go through.

[GH85Carrera]

Sorry you have to deal with this once again.

I will always remember one of the things my dad said in his last weeks in the hospital.

"Son, a man should not have to live like this" as he gasped for breath while on oxygen. He died a few days later. I still miss him.

[sammyg2]

Condolences, kind thoughts and prayers sent your way.

I just went through this three weeks ago, watching my dad die after a horrible 5 year battle with cancer.

Nothing else I can say would help except that you are NOT alone.