Relocating With Kids?

[1990C4S]

I will be the contrarian here.

I have a very good education (engineer, MBA), and none of it came from high school. And virtually nothing I learned in high school benefited me at university. I had a good high school, I just wasn't interested at the time.

If your kids stay out of trouble then they will be fine, provided they are academically inclined. High schools don't make your kids good college students, they do it on their own.

[JavaBrewer]

Nearly 5 years ago we made the move to a neighboring city in North County San Diego. My son was in his sophomore year and my daughter an in-going freshman. Our move was primarily triggered by finances, and the desire to downsize and reduce my work commute, but we also had some major issues with the high school and it's administration. My son handled the transition easily - he landed a spot on the varsity baseball team and filled his time in JROTC eventually becoming a leader his Junior/Senior years. Things were horrible for our daughter who struggled to find a group for the first year. As others have already said, girls can be especially cruel at that age, and a couple incidents our daughter shared with us still bothers me. She found early acceptance from kids who were leading troubled lives (drugs/abuse/neglect/crime) which we had to redirect. Things smoothed out her final 2 years, she joined dance and various clubs, but she never developed a close bond with any of the girls and has mostly negative things to say about the her time there.

Both my wife (in MN) and I (in CA) had sub par high school experiences and have never gone to any reunion events. I guess that had an effect on our own kids - but it was never our intention.

[stomachmonkey]

Originally Posted by 1990C4S

I will be the contrarian here.

I have a very good education (engineer, MBA), and none of it came from high school. And virtually nothing I learned in high school benefited me at university. I had a good high school, I just wasn't interested at the time.

If your kids stay out of trouble then they will be fine, provided they are academically inclined. High schools don't make your kids good college students, they do it on their own.

I think we are talking more about the impact on their social growth.

My daughter was hugely popular in Junior and HS.

My son, he has maybe 5 friends, maybe. One lives 3 houses away but outside school they rarely see each other. It's like that.

We are currently undergoing clinical evaluations because we are pretty sure he is somewhere on the Aspergers spectrum.

Kid is smart as a whip, gets great grades, but is virtually incapable of social interaction.

It's gotten worse as he has gotten older because his mannerisms and behavior only become more apparent with age when compared to his peers which makes him withdraw even further.

He's a really sweet kid, funny as hell, causes no trouble and flies under the radar which is why none of his teachers ever picked up on anything.

A kid like him, in a new school who does not know anyone, he's a prime target.

The one saving grace is his closest friend here, they've been buds since elementary, keeps an eye on him and does not let anyone screw with him.

[Seahawk]

What a fine and enlightening thread. The range and depth of opinions has been informative and positive.

I will say that the children of the folks that have posted in this thread are blessed with great, thoughtful, parents.

I feel a little guilty that I still have friends from both the HS's I attended.

[onewhippedpuppy]

There's a reason why I bounce things off of you people!

[Scott Douglas]

I'll have to disagree with 1990C4S. Our son was pre-admitted to Cal Poly Pomona as a sophomore based on his grades from high school ATP classes. He's a naturally gifted kid, or was. Got a full academic scholarship to SDSU and played D1 baseball for three years all while completing a 5 yr Mech Engineering degree program in 4 yrs and graduating with honors too. He was sort of lazy in high school when it came to academics. Hung out with the really smart kids but didn't have to try to even get B grades and A's weren't that hard for him to come by either. Could have been Valedictorian if he'd put his mind to it if he'd tried, but why bother was his attitude. Drafted by the Angel's out of high school in the 23rd round was exciting but he learned a lot about how to conduct yourself by playing for Tony G at SDSU. All in all I'm proud as hell about him and the success he's become as an adult.
If he'd gone to another high school I don't think he would have turned out the same.

[Les Paul]

I’m going to be the guy to say don’t do it because of sports. My son was the stud starting QB and MLB in jr high. 6ft 190 coming into hs. 2nd largest class in Texas. We had visions of D1. That all changed first game his freshman year. Broken right thumb, broken left arm, casts to his elbow. The hardest part was not being able to play guitar. After 6 games out, casts came off and he started the last 2 games. Sadly he’d lost the killer instinct. Soph year they moved him to tight end and FS. 2nd to last game of year starting QB gets hurt, 2nd teamer also hurt. He hadn’t played QB all year. Put him in and he drives the team 90 yards running or passing for every play winning the game with seconds to go against a team that had 3 future D1 guys. The crowd was like why hasn’t he been playing all year at qb? Season over he said FI. Never looked back and never regretted it. Ten years later nobody but parents remember those last 2 years because they sucked. It killed me and I couldn’t even go to games anymore. Baseball was a similar ending. So he became editor of the school paper went to state in speech and debate his jr and Sr year. His bands flourished, they won several area wide battle of the bands, had a cd professionally produced out his soph year. Started giging etc etc. And believe me there are groupies even at that age. Graduates top ten in a class of 300. Goes to UT graduates in 4 years, no student loans, gets his masters at UT. Interned his Sr year for smaller company there in Austin which went from 200-2000 employees. Gets married, buys nice house etc. In the IT field with another company and is a project manager over 20 engineers making the big bucks at 30. Ready to get a band back together so he says.

[onewhippedpuppy]

Don't get me wrong, while my son is very good in the context of his peers, I have no illusions of D1 football stardom. I value sports more for the lessons learned and keeping a kid busy and involved, not because I expect them to pay the bills someday. The funnel gets very narrow after high school.

[scottmandue]

Our situation was very different from yours but my two cents.
I live in San Pedro, a small harbor town on the edge of Los Angeles.
My wife was in Beaverton a small suburb of Portland OR.
When we met she was divorced 2 years and had a 16 year old daughter.
We did the long distance thing for a year but decided it would be better to let her daughter (then 17) finish high school (honer role student, big into sports, close friends, Her Dad was local).
We decided to do the long distance thing for another year (expensive) and let her finish high school (she was on the fast track to college, taking college classes her senior year.)
Wife and I agreed that if the daughter was 12 years old they would have moved down to L.A. (I own a house and work for the state, she was in an apartment and had a just okay job.) but at 17 I was concerned about the culture shock of moving from OR. to L.A.
(Daughter is interning for Food Network in N.Y. now BTW)


Having said that I know the brother of a friend that is in the Navy and has two daughters, they have traveled all over the world, the two daughters have graduated from college and doing spectacular.
Our church is close to Air Force housing therefore we get a lot of A.F. families that move every few years and their kids seem to be doing great.

I guess what I am saying is timing is everything.

[PorscheGAL]

Lots of advice here. I have a question:

Taking the kids out of the equation, what happens to your career trajectory in each scenario? When you finish your masters, if you were to move for a job will it put you in a better position than staying? Will your future career be hindered by staying?

[1990C4S]

Originally Posted by Scott Douglas

Our son was pre-admitted to Cal Poly Pomona as a sophomore based on his grades from high school ATP classes. ... all while completing a 5 yr Mech Engineering degree program in 4 yrs and graduating with honors too. He was sort of lazy in high school when it came to academics. Hung out with the really smart kids but didn't have to try to even get B grades and A's weren't that hard for him to come by either. Could have been Valedictorian if he'd put his mind to it if he'd tried, but why bother was his attitude.

You don't think ****ty schools have smart kids? Your kids will gravitate to whatever they are inclined to gravitate to, they can find trouble or genius at any school.

High school did nothing for your son from what I read above. Maybe there's more than I can read into what you wrote.

I edited out the sports stuff, I still don't see how the school helped him.

Unless you place your kid in a specialized school for some advanced super-human skill they might have, I see no need to worry about a high school, provided they are safe. As parents you have far more influence than the school. Or you should.

[onewhippedpuppy]

Originally Posted by PorscheGAL

Lots of advice here. I have a question:

Taking the kids out of the equation, what happens to your career trajectory in each scenario? When you finish your masters, if you were to move for a job will it put you in a better position than staying? Will your future career be hindered by staying?

Moving will likely open up far more prospects for advancement than staying put, and the MBA will not change my current situation in any way. The aerospace industry in Wichita has lost close to 30,000 jobs since 2008, the “air capital of the world” is quite a ways down on the list in overall aerospace employment and on a percentage wise basis. There are a number of aerospace employment hubs that would offer significantly better prospects for advancement and movement back into a job that is better aligned with my interests. This would be my primary motivation for moving.

[scottmandue]

Originally Posted by onewhippedpuppy

There are a number of aerospace employment hubs that would offer significantly better prospects for advancement and movement back into a job that is better aligned with my interests. This would be my primary motivation for moving.

What are the other hubs? Considering you may end up their for quite some time after your kids leave the nest, you know the list as well as I do (we are considering a move when I retire) recreation/entertainment/cost of living etc.

[PorscheGAL]

Originally Posted by onewhippedpuppy

Moving will likely open up far more prospects for advancement than staying put, and the MBA will not change my current situation in any way. The aerospace industry in Wichita has lost close to 30,000 jobs since 2008, the “air capital of the world” is quite a ways down on the list in overall aerospace employment and on a percentage wise basis. There are a number of aerospace employment hubs that would offer significantly better prospects for advancement and movement back into a job that is better aligned with my interests. This would be my primary motivation for moving.

My advice is to move for a job. On this forum, you seem like a level headed, involved parent. I assume your wife is the same. With involved parents, the kids will be fine.

Did you know the average millennial changes jobs less than every 18 months? This may impress on your kids that moving may be necessary for financial progress and job satisfaction.

Ultimately, what benefits you will benefit them, whether it is more money or more enjoyment in a career.

Good luck whatever you and your family chooses.

[fast_e_man]

Matt, one of the reasons I love snow skiing is each skier can choose their own path down any given slope. Those with less ability can take a less challenging route, and those with high ability can be creative with their line and make most runs considerably more challenging than the average skier would dare.

Philosophically, high school can be viewed similarly. Take the "less challenged" path, i.e. mediocrity, which is where many school systems steer the students, or choosing academic and athletic challenges. In cases where the school doesn't offer a robust AP curriculum, there are community colleges typically available for students to dial up their academics outside of the core curriculum offered by the school.

Point is, with solid parental guidance, children can develop out-of-the-box thought processes, and learn not to settle for mediocrity; achieve at an ability level that matches their aptitude. The key, I believe, is being invested parents who set appropriate expectations. Perhaps the best way to set expectations is to lead by example. If you are feeling career limited, guessing your children sense that perspective.

My wife and I have talked openly with our children about taking calculated risks (not being foolish), yet breaking out of comfort zones and exploring the unknown, and sometimes figuring it out on the fly, risk versus reward, etc.

If you are feeling the itch, might be time to pull the trigger, just sayin'

[jyl]

Move. Somewhere good, not a kaka hole . . .

Your kids will be okay. Staying put doesn't mean they won't have challenges as they move up from grade->middle->high school and have to adjust to new situations. A new place will add some new challenges but with your guidance and support they will overcome. A new place can also add some enriching experiences that many not be had with a more sheltered existence.

I have close friends who moved when their boys were in middle school, the eldest was definitely on the Aspergers spectrum, and he did fine. Secret was to get him involved with groups and activities that he was comfortable with, which in his case was theatre, chess, art, etc but that will differ for each kid. Of course, finding a good school(s) is important.

The most important thing for a family is that the family is secure and strong. Financial security is a factor in that, so is dad not hating life.

That said, people overcome all kinds of weird s**t and grow up fine. One of my best friends is among six siblings who were given up by their impoverished mom and lived in an orphanage for years until mom was able to come back for them; very strong family, siblings all very close, without exception fine people, all doing well. Another close friend grew up terribly poor and was a homeless teenaged girl; she is now middle class, owns her house, happily married, wonderful kids. And of course we all know people who grow up with every advantage and turn out awful and unhappy.

Personally, until college I never lived anywhere longer than 2 years (3 years one place), was the child of a single parent who had very little money (I remember the talk when my dad explained we were going to have to go on welfare, though he managed to avoid it), I was a latch-key kid for all those years and often had no or just one friend. It all worked out okay.

[speeder]

Porschegal sort of asked already but what is your dream job/best possible career outcome in the near future? Does it exist in Wichita? You've sort of already indicated that it doesn't or is unlikely.

How big of a city would you need to move to for this job or is it only in very specific places? There is your answer, at least for your part of the equation. Personally, I think that there is a lot more opportunity for kids as well in a city but there are exceptions to everything, etc...

Good luck.

[KFC911]

Originally Posted by speeder

Porschegal sort of asked already but what is your dream job/best possible career outcome in the near future?

....Personally, I think that there is a lot more opportunity for kids as well in a city but there are exceptions to everything, etc...

Good luck.

Opportunity for what? Serious question btw....
Pro & cons to both urban, rural, and in between imo. There is no "one size fits all".... my size fits me just fine though .

[Don Ro]

The man says that he's concerned about the psychological atmosphere of his son.

[Zeke]

Originally Posted by Don Ro

The man says that he's concerned about the psychological atmosphere of his son.

And the issue has been addressed here many times in this thread along with all the other mish mash that you get on any thread.

I still didn't get an answer about having to move within Wichita to another school boundary to get into another school. If that's the case, it seems like a lot or trouble. If one is to sell and move, wouldn't following speeder's advice be prudent?