Elderly parent care (index) thread

[Rot 911]

Originally Posted by astrochex

My mom will be moving to a private apartment at a facility with memory care. Cost is beyond $7k/mo, yikes. She will have many things from home there, bed, dresser, pictures etc. The transition is not expected to be easy. The facility says no family contact for the first 2-3 weeks. That is going to be a very difficult time for all.

No family members for the first 2 to 3 weeks? What is the basis for that rationale? Having had both my mother and mother-in-law in a nursing home, they are already frightened about the change. They are surrounded by strangers. I would think having family members around would help with easing them into a whole new way of life. That’s just based on my observations.

[Cajundaddy]

Originally Posted by astrochex

My mom will be moving to a private apartment at a facility with memory care. Cost is beyond $7k/mo, yikes. She will have many things from home there, bed, dresser, pictures etc. The transition is not expected to be easy. The facility says no family contact for the first 2-3 weeks. That is going to be a very difficult time for all.

This would concern me. I assume they have a good reason but I can't imagine what it is. Maybe folks plead with family to "break them out" at first until they get used to the routine and settle in.

FWIW My mom went through all of this and just passed peacefully in her sleep last week at 89. She was a bright strong woman all of her life but started showing signs of dementia in 2008 with compulsive sorting and losing track of her belongings.

A few years later she was getting lost while driving and after putting her car in a planter at Target we retired her keys. We made regular visits and took her shopping and to appointments. She did have friends in the area who helped a lot and over time added in-home care for a while.

Over time she became anxious living alone with a lot of stories about strangers and phantom bugs in her kitchen. Time for a move to a memory care facility. This was a very nice place with private apartments, elegant dining room with restaurant quality food from a menu, and a staff who created good relationships with her. It was expensive but fortunately my dad left behind a sound financial estate so money was not a problem. This kept her in good spirits for 5 years but covid lockdowns were really hard on her. We were not allowed to visit for nearly a year in 2020 and when we finally got in it was clear that she had lost a lot.

We moved her to a small residential care home nearby with 5 elderly patients and full time care staff. It did feel like a home but over time she simply lost her ability to communicate, lost her ability to walk on her own, lost her ability to recognize faces, and eventually lost her ability to swallow food. She survived the covid pandemic but dementia/alz finally took her after 15 years of a downward spiral.

Looking back I think we did the best we could for her and kept her in her home and socially active as long as possible. Dementia/alz is tough to watch and was a long slow decline for her. She was very loved and surrounded by lifelong friends and family until the end. She is in a better place now.

[Alan A]

No family contact would be a deal breaker for me.

[astrochex]

I’m going to get clarification.

[Baz]

Originally Posted by astrochex

My mom will be moving to a private apartment at a facility with memory care. Cost is beyond $7k/mo, yikes. She will have many things from home there, bed, dresser, pictures etc. The transition is not expected to be easy. The facility says no family contact for the first 2-3 weeks. That is going to be a very difficult time for all.

Hello Paul......thanks for sharing and I hope all goes well. Needless to say...this type of situation is beyond anything anyone here has ever dealt with and arguably one of the toughest to deal with.

Just trying to make the right decisions is hard enough.

I also don't understand the "no family contact for the first 2-3 week period" so would appreciate any clarification. Maybe it's just this particular facility's process they feel works best for all involved.

All the best for you and Mom going forward.....

[nota]

standard places with good operations do not make the local NEWS

but some sure do and are very bad

so their no contact is a BIG NO

my wife's mom died in hurricane ANDREW's power loss in a care home
they had generator back up but ran out of fuel later

my mom was cared for in her own home until a bad stroke
and avoided the post hospital thing by dying days later
kind of the best way walking and talking then boom gone
hope I am as lucky

with several huge adult home complexes near by
and others wanting to build more also
it looks to be a growing trend locally

[astrochex]

Doing math on the monthly apartment cost works out to ~$10/hr for 24/7.

[Baz]

Paul - maybe you don't need 24/7 - maybe just 12/7 (?)

The one place I toured here was at $4,100 per month for the basics....housing, meals, utilities, staff, etc.

Did not include any medical stuff or personal care.

The caregiver I'm trying to implement is approx. $30-35/hour.

[john70t]

Originally Posted by astrochex

The facility says no family contact for the first 2-3 weeks. That is going to be a very difficult time for all.

That, uh, doesn't sound right at all.
(having spent a few years with dad in a memory-care facility, and thereafter more than that volunteering because the staff was 100% dedicated)

The major stressors in life are death of close ones followed closely by major changes in living arraingments.
For someone with their world already upside down that could be catastophic....Thinking they have been abandoned by family. It would be a major blow to someone already so weak.

I hope you re-consider that place...and notify authorities in writing.

Who knows what contracts are being signed or what care the resident is being given in the meantime. There are places that get themselves legally assigned 'Guardianship' by local courts and then all kinds of trouble begins while bills pile up and accounts disappear.

[john70t]

astrochex- The very first thing to do is get all next-of-kin on the same page. And all in aggreement on paper.

One other idea is to have her live at home and get 24/7 nursing.
This would probably work of to be less expensive and less stressful for her at least.
It would require more oversight for ebveryone else.

A bank or trust could set up paying bills automatically with a small cash account, re-filled for such purpose.
It would require the parent declared 'not able' by the court first.

[astrochex]

Thanks for the advice all. I’ve reached out to the facility to discuss that issue.

My sister clarified the issue by saying no-contact is a recommendation not a mandate. I still want to talk to the facility to further understand why they would say this.

[jhynesrockmtn]

We moved my Mom to memory care from assisted living a bit over a year ago. I don't understand the no contact bit but they must have their reasons. I'd want to make sure those make sense with your Mom's doctor. The monthly costs are in line for a small studio unit at my Mom's place with not much in add on services. Best of luck!

[E Sully]

Interesting about the no contact for 2-3 weeks. My mother is not in Memory care at this point.
My mother is 90 and has a bit of dementia. She does tire quickly, but is mostly able to function on her own but cannot handle her finances any more. She moved to Assisted living this year. The 2 Assisted Living near me are quite expensive. My mother is demanding and insisted on the more expensive at $8,300 a month. Image is very important to her. Includes meals, laundry, housekeeping, entertainment , and activities. It's like staying in a top Hotel. Medical and Memory care section are extra.
The other one next door is very similar to the my mothers, $7,300 a month including Memory care and medical. Very nice, and many residents came from the more expensive one when their needs increased. I hope to convince her to switch soon, but she is strong willed and while I could, I don't want to force her. It's a difficult balancing game, especially with the hit to her IRA this past year. If she lives as long or longer than her mother, she will run out of money.

[3rd_gear_Ted]

For Women its really important to take care of hygiene due to the possibility of UTI's.
Hopefully bathing is something she still enjoys, make sure its often for her sake.

[john70t]

Cranberry juice is good for UTI so I've heard.

Grapefruit juice will interfer with some medicines.

[astrochex]

Originally Posted by E Sully

Interesting about the no contact for 2-3 weeks. My mother is not in Memory care at this point.
My mother is 90 and has a bit of dementia. She does tire quickly, but is mostly able to function on her own but cannot handle her finances any more. She moved to Assisted living this year. The 2 Assisted Living near me are quite expensive. My mother is demanding and insisted on the more expensive at $8,300 a month. Image is very important to her. Includes meals, laundry, housekeeping, entertainment , and activities. It's like staying in a top Hotel. Medical and Memory care section are extra.
The other one next door is very similar to the my mothers, $7,300 a month including Memory care and medical. Very nice, and many residents came from the more expensive one when their needs increased. I hope to convince her to switch soon, but she is strong willed and while I could, I don't want to force her. It's a difficult balancing game, especially with the hit to her IRA this past year. If she lives as long or longer than her mother, she will run out of money.

The no-contact was a facility recommendation. I will get clarification tomorrow.

[Rapewta]

Thanks for the info. My Pop is 96 and lives alone at his home. He has morning care givers that
make sure he gets up and dressed, fed breakfast and make him a lunch before they leave.
It is getting more difficult as time goes on.
I promised him he will close his eyes for the last time in his home.

[Baz]

Hadn't thought about this thread until I saw Shaun's thread just now, so thought an update was in order.

I ended up moving Mom into a local assisted living facility here in April of last year (2023). To her credit she has adapted and despite her age of 101, is still doing relatively good.

I have Hospice involved to provide medical and hygiene care. She also gets that from the facility staff as needed. I also have a caregiver who stops in once or twice a week to help with Mom's feminine stuff like hair, nails, clothing....and then I visit also every week.

The cost is $5,200/month.

It's a 6 bed converted house in a golf course subdivision about 10 minutes away.

I took over all Mom's financial affairs years ago as her POA. She has all her documents in place which I had reviewed again last year with a new estate attorney, so at least that stuff is done.

Look forward to updates from fellow forum members on what their situation is and what they are doing.....

[E Sully]

I wish the prices were like yours Baz, mine are double that up here near NYC. They increased a lot since my last post. In the past 6 months she has gotten very weak, can barely get out of bed and I have gotten aids to help her.
While my mother set up a Trust in 2019, I was not really involved till 2 1/2 years ago. With the dementia starting to set in I had to contact and get permissions with the POA's to handle her health care proxy, car and insurance, pensions, IRA, bank accounts, credit cards, income taxes, selling her condo, schedule Dr. visits, and making arrangements for the assisted living.

[Noah930]

My parents are in their 80s. My mom has dementia and Parkinson's. My dad has refused to move from their house, so any attempts to get them to move to a retirement community, elder living, assisted living, etc. have been fruitless. Last fall my dad got to the point where he could no longer take care of my mom, so he tried hiring live-in caregivers. However, he cheaped out and tried to find them via word-of-mouth/under-the-table. But, unless you're super lucky, you tend to get what you pay for. So those live-in caregivers (I think he tried about 3 of them) all backfired. They simply didn't have any skills. But what do you expect for $500/week? He refused to go through a proper agency to get CNA care--mainly due to cost.

So Mrs. Noah & I did our homework (because no one else in the family was motivated to do so) and found my mom a memory care unit. That's just fancy speak for nursing home. They run from $6000-14,000 per month in our neck of the woods. Mrs. Noah works at one of those places on the pricier end of the spectrum. It was explained to her that most residents pay out of pocket for the first month, then use that time to apply for Medicaid (called MediCal in California). Medicaid then picks up the tab. MediCal eligibility is dependent upon income. My parents have too much income (even in retirement) to qualify for MediCal, so they'd be stuck with paying for the $12-14K/month tab.

So we picked a more economical location. My mom lasted there 2 weeks. It was not an unpleasant place. The staff were all so nice. But my dad and sister couldn't bear to see my mom like that--living amongst strangers.

My sister vowed to get my mom out of there. While she volunteered to take my mom in, that wasn't practical, which is how my mom wound up moving in with me come Thanksgiving. Remember in cartoons and comedies where they'd ask for volunteers to step forward, and instead all but one person would step back? My dad relented to hiring a proper caregiver. She'd come to our house during the weekdays, and Mrs. Noah and I would care for my mom during nights and weekends. That was about $1000/week.

It wasn't hard work, to care for my mom. We have medical backgrounds, and Mrs. Noah's a saint. But it was really difficult to balance that with having a household that includes full-time jobs, kids (with their extracurriculars), and pets. First world concerns for sure, but for 8 months, I don't think Mrs. Noah and I went out for dinner, attended a kid's athletic or musical event, or even walked the dog around the block *together*. It was always one of us or the other, as someone always had to be home to watch my mom. And even with a caregiver it could still be stressful, as caregivers have lives, too, and they'd call in sick or have other commitments preventing them from working. What do you do at 9 pm when the caregiver calls and says she can't come the next morning? We tried both under-the-table (but skilled) caregivers and agencies alike. We found some women we *loved,* and others that were just so-so. But it was really wearing on my wife, and she was getting to her wit's end.

We signed my mom up for hospice. That was helpful. They provided medications more easily than insurance did. They provided a hospital bed. They have a CNA come a couple times per week to assist with hygiene/bathing, and a social worker for whatever that's worth. But hospice was free (included in cost of insurance), so my dad was OK with that. He was just paying $1000/week for a caregiver. Actually, the cost was about $2000/week, but my parents have some unusual health insurance policy that reimburses for half the cost of formal (not under-the-table) elder care. Of course, it took Mrs. Noah about a month (and several hours' worth of telephone calls) to get that reimbursement process set up.

A month ago, we had a summer vacation planned. So Mrs. Noah moved my mom back to my parents' house (15 minutes away), and my dad agreed to keep the caregiver, but as a live-in. Fortunately, both my parents seem to be happy (as is Mrs. Noah). Now we're up to $2000/week (actually $4000/week, but only $2000/week with reimbursement), but that's the price you pay for the luxury of living in your own house and not being relegated to a nursing home.