Elderly parent care (index) thread

[David]

I moved my 82 yo mom into assisted living a little over a year ago. My mom refuses to walk and most of the time doesn't want to go to the dining room so they charge quite a bit more than the standard rate for the extra attention she needs. She was in a room with a separate bedroom which ran $6,500 a month with an additional $3,000 for the extra care so $9,500 a month but we've moved her to a smaller $4,500 per month room while she's been out after a fall. This is a small East Texas town so I think they know there's limited supply so they're charging more than they should. The support they give really isn't very good either.

About a month ago she had a fall when she got tired of waiting from someone to help her to the bathroom. This knocked out a few teeth and required some stitches. Since then she's been in a full nursing home doing rehab to help be more mobile.

She seems to like the nursing home better than the assisted living since the food is better (also surprising considering what the assisted living charges). Even though the assisted living is a nicer newer building, I like the nursing home better because they have more staff and once medicare quits paying, it would be cheaper than the assisted living.

Ideally I'd move mom to Houston where there's more competition and more choices but she doesn't want to leave the small town because she would probably never see the remaining relatives she has besides me and my family.

[Baz]

Mom had a fall Saturday and has a fractured femur.

She is still at her ALF and is receiving pain medication - which started off with lower level choices......but today we made the decision to go to Morphine to at least nullify the pain enough so she could be handled to change her.

I'm well aware this may be the event that sends her to the Hospice care center. Going day to day right now. Will know more tomorrow.

[Seahawk]

Originally Posted by Baz

Mom had a fall Saturday and has a fractured femur.

She is still at her ALF and is receiving pain medication - which started off with lower level choices......but today we made the decision to go to Morphine to at least nullify the pain enough so she could be handled to change her.

I'm well aware this may be the event that sends her to the Hospice care center. Going day to day right now. Will know more tomorrow.

Your gift to her is simply being there, which you do as well as anyone...

My best is all I can offer from afar...what a lovely woman.

[astrochex]

Originally Posted by Baz

Mom had a fall Saturday and has a fractured femur.

She is still at her ALF and is receiving pain medication - which started off with lower level choices......but today we made the decision to go to Morphine to at least nullify the pain enough so she could be handled to change her.

I'm well aware this may be the event that sends her to the Hospice care center. Going day to day right now. Will know more tomorrow.

Very sorry to hear that Baz.

As Seahawk said, most important element is that you are there for your mom. Very difficult time, my prayers for her and you.

[oldE]

Baz,
Heartbreaking to watch our parents/loved ones become so vulnerable.
Tell her she has lots of folks who know the kind of kick a$$ lady she was.
Thinking of you.
Les

[Baz]

Thanks, guys......appreciate it......

[flatbutt]

If you take care of yourself half as well as you do your Mom you'll be all right. However, I'm choking back a sob as I recall it all.

[oldE]

Just heard from my sister. My 91 year old brother who has been on blood thinner to prevent strokes has developed severe sinus bleeding. They don't seem to be able to control it. I guess I will head up that way (4 hour trip) after playing at my MIL's facility.
And so it goes.
Best
Les

[Baz]

Originally Posted by flatbutt

If you take care of yourself half as well as you do your Mom you'll be all right. However, I'm choking back a sob as I recall it all.

Thanks, Flatty.....sending hugs, brother......

Originally Posted by oldE

Just heard from my sister. My 91 year old brother who has been on blood thinner to prevent strokes has developed severe sinus bleeding. They don't seem to be able to control it. I guess I will head up that way (4 hour trip) after playing at my MIL's facility.
And so it goes.
Best
Les

Sorry to hear, Les......sending positive vibes your way, brother......

[Noah930]

Sorry to hear of your mother's injury, Baz. It seems a bit counterintuitive, but frequently even elderly with broken hips will undergo surgery. Not so much for the expectation or hope that they walk again, but more for comfort measures. Even being rolled around in bed for toilet care/hygiene can be very painful with a broken/non-immobilized hip. The surgery is meant to provide fracture stabilization and pain reduction, to allow for hygiene.

[Racerbvd]

If very fortunate, my Mother is 87, still short as a tack and active.
As a matter of fact, she just got back from a convention in Orlando, and there is a video from Saturday night, last night of the convention , at 2:15, she was still hanging out in the hospitality room, passing out jello shots she had in her purse.




Baz, if you ever need to talk, you have my number.

[john70t]

Originally Posted by Baz

Mom had a fall Saturday and has a fractured femur.

Often the hips will break before the fall due to bone density. Thankfully it was not the hip. Grandma got a clot and went quick after that.
Best wishes and prayers to you.

---
Got mom back from the hospital again from a believed reaction to antibiotics for a UTI.
She'd also decided to go out and get the Covid/Flu/another shot all on the same freaking day...fear making decision.
She'd called me on the way there. Not the day before when it was all happening.

The anti-bios were effective but it was too much. Her urine had cleared up several days before. She'd had an episode where both ends uncorked simultaneously and ended up there. Dehydration is not good with heart conditions. I know the hospital well.

Got her back and she could hardly walk from the car to the front door where she began vomiting again. Admin lady at the retirement building got her a wheelchair and asked "They sent her home like that?". She got cleaned up fed a little and watered, into bed. Had to lift her head she was so out of it. 14hrs sleep and has been almost brand new these next days. Watched the debate last night and she ate a lot. It was a 50/50 what I would find that morning when I went over to make breakfast.

She was insisting on taking the remaining course of anti-bios as the visiting nurses aid insisted. She only listens to strangers. I made an executive decision to stop them. I called a few docs for confirmation. Experienced family nurse had seen it before with the brand. Those things saved her then almost killed her.

Later got a call from the hospital follow-up (I could barely understand the person's accent) admonishing me and the doctors for not continuing the full treatment at the regular schedule. He wasn't interested in adverse effects, changing the dosage, or using a different medicine.

[E Sully]

It's rough, my mother is 91 1/2 and very weak. She slid out of her recliner 2 weeks ago and I had to spend 6 hrs in the ER so they could do a head scan before I could bring her back to the assisted living. They are very strict. She hit the top level of care now with aids assisting with everything, $12,000 a month. She currently has one of the deluxe suites, and I am going to have to move her to a studio to make things easier.
My wife is from Indonesia. Her mother fell and broke her hip years back, but was not healthy enough for surgery. One of her sisters that is a retired nurse moved her into her house and we sent money to pay for a full time aid to assist. When we visited, her mother was not able to speak, but she enjoyed holding my hand while I talked to her while my wife would translate. She passed away a few months after our visit. I couldn't make the trip, so my wife took 3 weeks off and went back without me. It's never been easy for her to be so far from the rest of her family.

[oldE]

Update on my 91 year old brother. I saw him Tuesday and thought, " OK. He is doing pretty well."
Wednesday morning his energy levels were very low and I said my "Goodbyes ".
I heard from my sister Thursday evening, he had pulled out the nasal packing which had been put in place by the surgeon to stop the bleeding. The nurses were on alert, but there was no further blood loss.
This morning he was transferred back to the care facility.
I must say my brother could be the poster child for "Don't worry. Be happy!"
He's obviously not done yet.

Best
Les

[cabmandone]

It's not an easy "job", but it's the most rewarding job I've ever had. I consider myself lucky that I got to be my mom's primary care giver. She gave so much to me throughout my life that a few months, regretfully, given back was the least I could do.

[E Sully]

My mother is a week away from her 92nd birthday. Thanksgiving day was the last time she tried to get out of bed on her own and she took a light fall. I spent 3 hours at the emergency room with her to get a CT scan. Fortunately it was quiet there, previous times it took 6 hours. I brought her home and had a nice Thanksgiving dinner afterwards.
At this point her short term memory is pretty much gone and she has no energy at all. She does enjoy my daily visit. She has no real desire to eat anymore, except for ice cream. I make sure she eats a bit of real food while I talk about all the good memories from the past.
United Hospice doctor did an evaluation with the assisted living facility doctor and will be working with Medicare and United Healthcare insurance. So far I had to remove her bed and they brought in a hospital bed for her Monday. Tomorrow I have another meeting with one of the hospice representatives. She is not in any pain spends most of the day sleeping. The aids from the assisted living facility are doing a good job taking care of her needs.

[Baz]

Originally Posted by E Sully

My mother is a week away from her 92nd birthday. Thanksgiving day was the last time she tried to get out of bed on her own and she took a light fall. I spent 3 hours at the emergency room with her to get a CT scan. Fortunately it was quiet there, previous times it took 6 hours. I brought her home and had a nice Thanksgiving dinner afterwards.
At this point her short term memory is pretty much gone and she has no energy at all. She does enjoy my daily visit. She has no real desire to eat anymore, except for ice cream. I make sure she eats a bit of real food while I talk about all the good memories from the past.
United Hospice doctor did an evaluation with the assisted living facility doctor and will be working with Medicare and United Healthcare insurance. So far I had to remove her bed and they brought in a hospital bed for her Monday. Tomorrow I have another meeting with one of the hospice representatives. She is not in any pain spends most of the day sleeping. The aids from the assisted living facility are doing a good job taking care of her needs.

Hello Ed, Thanks for sharing. I know I speak for many here in saying we wish you & Mom all the best as you navigate through whatever path is taken at this juncture.

With Hospice involved, you and Mom will be assisted in many helpful ways, but hopefully there will be others who step up for you both. You certainly have our support, even from afar.

Keep us posted and especially if there's anything we can do to help - even if just providing input.

Hugs to your Mom!

[Noah930]

Originally Posted by cabmandone

It's not an easy "job", but it's the most rewarding job I've ever had. I consider myself lucky that I got to be my mom's primary care giver. She gave so much to me throughout my life that a few months, regretfully, given back was the least I could do.

+1

When you remember all the times your mom held your head, or rubbed your back, or climbed into bed and fell asleep with you when you were a little kid and sick, it doesn't seem there's nearly enough you can do for them at the end if their lives to make up for it in return.

[A930Rocket]

Originally Posted by Noah930

+1

When you remember all the times your mom held your head, or rubbed your back, or climbed into bed and fell asleep with you when you were a little kid and sick, it doesn't seem there's nearly enough you can do for them at the end if their lives to make up for it in return.

^^^ That’s so true. We live a six hours away from Atlanta, where my parents lived. I could not take off work, etc. to be there every day for them. Fortunately, my dad invested well, and we were able to pay for great caregivers for both of them. It breaks my heart, that I couldn’t take care of them, like they took care of me when I was young.

[cabmandone]

Originally Posted by Noah930

+1

When you remember all the times your mom held your head, or rubbed your back, or climbed into bed and fell asleep with you when you were a little kid and sick, it doesn't seem there's nearly enough you can do for them at the end if their lives to make up for it in return.

Exactly. I feel like I owed it to her just like I feel like I owe it to my dad now. It's weird, as a father I say my kids have given me more than I could ever give to them. The joy I've gotten from watching them grow into the people they are has made me happy beyond belief. But as a son I look back and think there's no way I could ever repay my parents. Maybe I already have.