being thick skinned.

[vash]

haha.. I admittedly let chit get to me. despite my best efforts, I sometimes let things I hear bug me.

I have talked about my neighbor before. she is ancient. 97 now. I feed her on the regular. baked her a Stollen this past holiday because he burned her batch. she tells me I am like son to her (grandson would be better).

BUT!! her and I dont see eye to eye on a lot of things. we cant talk politics at all.

last visit. I took her some food, and she had visitors. I said hi to everyone and left the container of food. the old lady asked me if I could take out a bag of garbage which I did. at the side of her house, I hear it. she said, "that chinaman is helpful"..I thought I was hearing things. THE EFF? it was confirmed when her friends came to my defense and told her that was offensive and I have a name. "what? I didnt say CHINK!"..

I closed her bin and snuck out quietly.

I found her a few weeks later laying on the floor and called 911. they took her away and she hasn't been back since. her son and grandson, call me the same thing. I'm the Chinese guy next door. her friends asked me why I havent visited her in the skilled nursing facility. I told them I heard what she calls me.

I shouldn't let it bother me, but it did this time. she aint changing anytime soon. 97 is all about being rooted in. true story. I quit taking her fried rice for dinner. she will 100% start using a crappy Chinese accent on me. FAACK! I dont speak like colonel Clink when I gave her the stollen. hahhaha..

[Evans, Marv]

People from that time (says the almost 84 yo) are programmed to look at other people a certain way, whether they know or like them or not. The first thing my mother said to me after meeting my future wife a long time ago was, "You didn't tell me she was Filipino." My answer was, "Yeah, don't you think she's an exotic beauty?" So you can give her a pass in that respect if you want. But you're justified in avoiding contact with her if you're irritated by what you heard, and don't feel bad about it. You should know you're a fantastic person who we all (and I'm sure everybody else in your life) appreciate. What someone else might say doesn't matter.

[recycled sixtie]

I am truly sorry for how you were treated. When I think about all our neighbors within a quarter of a mile I can truly think of about four that have similar values as us. The rest of them I can take or leave but try not to let it stick in my craw. I could vent more in parf but most people have entrenched views so why bother. What goes round comes around. So you did good Sid.

[berettafan]

Well you missed a real opportunity when you found her on the floor.

I mean...surely it might've occurred to you to say 'dock that honky a days pay for nappin' on the job'





But seriously, people from her generation move in and out of those terms all the time and most likely mean no malice with it. You have to consider people with an understanding of context. Don't be butthurt, own it and be an example of why it's ok to be of asian descent. That's how you teach folks to change their attitudes.

Keep in mind women from her generation were kept ignorant and pregnant in the kitchen. She probably can't even balance a checkbook or tell you how a car loan works. If anything she deserves your pity.

[Steve Carlton]

That’s a painful story and I don’t blame you for being hurt. Do you think she was sincere when she said you were like a son to her? Do you think she meant or understood the epithet to be unkind? Who knows what she learned or thinks at 97. Perhaps you’re writing her off when she meant no harm. Perhaps her friends made her realize what she was doing was wrong.

You’ve been extraordinarily kind. I commend you. She needs it. I would suggest being a bigger person on this. What feels better- being a good human or being a bitter one. I can’t say I would do the right thing.

[Baz]

I love Asians, Cliff!

[vash]

I did joke with my wife and said.

"phucckkkkk...I'm like "toad" in that movie Gran Torino!"

hahha...we did laugh.

[PorscheGAL]

I'm sorry. What she said was unacceptable. I'll be honest. I'm not sure I would let it go and continue a relationship. For someone to claim you are like a son and then call you a derogatory name means she doesn't value your feelings. She even justified the comment when scolded.

You have gone over and beyond to help her, which speaks to your character. Her comment speaks to hers.

[Crowbob]

Yeah.

Like beretta says, ‘It’s OK to be of Asian descent’, vash. Just shake it off.

[masraum]

I think the big thing is that in her head, you're like a son, so she's clearly very fond of you.

All folks have a vocabulary, and folks, especially folks from another time are likely to have a different vocabulary than what is current. It sucks that it's bothering you. She clearly didn't mean anything bad by the term. Actually, it sounds like she thought she was using an acceptable term vs unacceptable. She's not a different person than she's been in the past. But if it bothers you enough, then cease interaction. You don't have to subject yourself to anything that makes you unhappy or uncomfortable.

Try to let it go, and don't expect to change her.

[Amail]

When my wife was a teenager back in the early 70's her grandfather lived with the family. He would have been nearly 80 at the time. My SIL had a black friend visiting, and grandpa said "I didn't know Linda had a housekeeper". Nothing malicious, just an honest observation - he thought. The black girl didn't bat an eye or get upset. She figured he's an old man, that's how they grew up thinking.

[masraum]

Originally Posted by PorscheGAL

I'm sorry. What she said was unacceptable. I'll be honest. I'm not sure I would let it go and continue a relationship. For someone to claim you are like a son and then call you a derogatory name means she doesn't value your feelings. She even justified the comment when scolded.

You have gone over and beyond to help her, which speaks to your character. Her comment speaks to hers.

I think the point (to me) is that she called him something that she seems to not believe that it was a derogatory term. Maybe the theory is that she should know. But expecting everyone, especially folks that are nearly 100, to know the social trends of the day, is likely not realistic.

And my statement is in no way any judgement on Vash. I understand him being bothered, and I think he should do what he feels he needs to do in this relationship.

It's just an unfortunate clash between folks from different times.

[Alan A]

so she uses a term she's learned - probably as a kid - to describe an ethnicity and when challenged said she didn't think it was derogatory. would you call someone a black man, white man, english man? same origin.

i think you are being a bit thin skinned, but it's up to you how you feel. in the same way that a guy i know got bent out of shape when someone (old) called him an oriental. "i'm not an ****** rug".

even his chinese friends were laughing at him. when someone brought up vs occidental he mumbled a bit but wouldn't back down. so now of course guess what they all call him...

[911 Rod]

Soon she'll be dead and you won't be. Move on.
But seriously, I wonder if she has looked down on you the whole time and expected you to help her.
I'd cut ties with her as she won't change.
Sorry to hear she put you through this. Stull like this effects my sleep when it (disrespect) happens to me.

[masraum]

Originally Posted by vash

I did joke with my wife and said.

"phucckkkkk...I'm like "toad" in that movie Gran Torino!"

hahha...we did laugh.

LOL! Nice!

[gregpark]

My grandmother has been gone for a long time and she didn't have a prejudiced bone in her body, god love her. When she was old and I was young, one day she referred to a Brazil nut in the bowl. It shocked me hearing that word from her and she noticed. She said that's just what they've been called her whole life. I suspect it's the same thing with your 97 year old neighbor

[Tim Hancock]

At a place I used to work at in the 90's we had a couple old engineers who used the word "chinaman" when referring to anyone of asian descent. They were both nice old men and while it struck me as odd when I first heard them use the word, I soon realized they "intended" no malice by using that word as they did not use the word in any sort of derogatory sentence.

I just think different generations had different ways of describing people through the years. Caucasion vs white vs honky..... Negro vs colored vs black vs afro-American vs african American vs "N" word.

Some words have always been offensive/derogatory but others were just normal words in their time. To "me" it doesn't sound like your neighbor meant any malice towards you based on what you posted but it is your neighbor and your situation to deal with however you see fit.

[berettafan]

Right, what matters is what the term meant to her. It's not painful, unacceptable or derogatory. Those are terms for people looking to be offended and you, Vash, are better than that.

For further learning on the subject check out Bill Burr's routine on how the placement of 'mf'r' in relation to race when relating a story makes all the difference.

[Tim Hancock]

Originally Posted by gregpark

My grandmother has been gone for a long time and she didn't have a prejudiced bone in her body, god love her. When she was old and I was young, one day she referred to a Brazil nut in the bowl. It shocked me hearing that word from her and she noticed. She said that's just what they've been called her whole life.

100% ditto for my grandmother. I never heard a "nasty" word from her mouth my entire 40+ years I was around her except when she served up a bowl of nuts that included Brazil nuts.

[vash]

thanks everyone. it helped simply typing that out. we have officially talked about my feelings. I'm over it.

besides her real sin is REFUSING to use clumping cat litter. I have been cleaning up after her cat this entire time. the pee doesnt clump and drains thru the sieve.

so gross. I'll buy some fresh litter today.

(still laughing about this)