Interracial marriages in my wife's family aren't working

[cantdrv55]

Seems whenever it's between a male from my wife's family and a white woman, the marriage ends in divorce. The guys are very close to their family (Pacific Islanders are clannish) so they tend to spend a lot of time with them. The white women they marry cannot handle the togetherness so much so they leave, usually without the kids.

Some cultural differences are just too big to overcome, I guess. Sad for the kids.

[artplumber]

If the guy is still listening to mother, don't matter if it's interracial or not. There's gonna be a divorce.

[cantdrv55]

Good point

[stomachmonkey]

Happened with my German mother and Italian stepfather.

Every weekend at his sisters. The whole family would be there.

Men would play cards all day while the women got stuck in the kitchen cooking.

Since mom was wife 2 the old hens would bad mouth her.

Mom told him that it's gotta change or that's it. Once a month fine, every weekend, no way.

Stepdad told the hens if they did not show some respect they'd see him once a year.

It all worked out.

Compromise is the key.

[dd74]

Peter (artplumber) nailed it.

When I was single and living in the Fairfax area of L.A., I'd see some gorgeous Orthodox Jewish girls - dark skinned, wavy hair, hazel eyes, etc. But crikey if they'd give me, Mr. Gentile, the time of day. Somehow in some way, I think they've been educated to be clanish with only their own.

It sucks, but culture is hard to change.

[stevepaa]

You marry the family. It's best to check that out beforehand.

[pbs911]

...

[Moneyguy1]

Marrying the family can be at least minimized by moving far enough away to create a "comfort zone".

2000+ miles should just about do it!!

[speeder]

Originally posted by dd74
Peter (artplumber) nailed it.

When I was single and living in the Fairfax area of L.A., I'd see some gorgeous Orthodox Jewish girls - dark skinned, wavy hair, hazel eyes, etc. But crikey if they'd give me, Mr. Gentile, the time of day. Somehow in some way, I think they've been educated to be clanish with only their own.

It sucks, but culture is hard to change.

Some of those girls from the ultra-Orthodox families in that neighborhood would probably be disowned if they married a normal Jewish guy. (Non-Orthodox).

[MRM]

There's some thought that it's a little easier for a white guy to marry a non-white woman than for a white woman to marry a non-white guy. The thinking is that since white is the dominant race, and male is the dominant sex, the white guy is expected to be the leader, which is probably typical, even in these enlightened times. But when you have a white woman marrying a non-white guy, you have an uncomfortable mix of the dominant race with the non-dominant sex.

All I can say from my experience is that other than my racist and xenophobic family (who I don't see any more) I have had no problems marrying a Chinese wife. My wife and I are both successfull professionals and no one bats an eye at us, once they realize the six and a half foot white guy is with the 5 foot tall Chinese girl.

If I were a Chinese man and had married an equally educated and professional white woman, I'm not sure things would be as easy for me.

[nightheart]

Originally posted by MRM
There's some thought that it's a little easier for a white guy to marry a non-white woman than for a white woman to marry a non-white guy. The thinking is that since white is the dominant race, and male is the dominant sex, the white guy is expected to be the leader, which is probably typical, even in these enlightened times. But when you have a white woman marrying a non-white guy, you have an uncomfortable mix of the dominant race with the non-dominant sex.

All I can say from my experience is that other than my racist and xenophobic family (who I don't see any more) I have had no problems marrying a Chinese wife. My wife and I are both successfull professionals and no one bats an eye at us, once they realize the six and a half foot white guy is with the 5 foot tall Chinese girl.

If I were a Chinese man and had married an equally educated and professional white woman, I'm not sure things would be as easy for me.

I always thought it was more of a "more for me, less for them deal." White man seem to have less of a problem with white men and black women, then black men and white women. It's a your taking our women thing, and black men seem to feel the same way about white men marrying black women.
This is a generalization and I really don't think any one should care what race another persons spouse is. I know my wife was asked several times, always by black men, "what couldn't you find any decent black men, and had to pick a white one?"

I've seen a quite a bit of prejudice since I married my wife, but screw 'em. Her and my son are more important to me than the bigoted members of either one of our families.

Both the husband and wife just need to cut the ties to the members of the family that aren't supportive and decide their spouse is more important than some outdated ideas about race. Easier said than done, but I don't think any marriage is ever easy all the time.

[red-beard]

My mother is English. My english cousin has been studing french and french culture (What do you do with a Doctorate in French Culture anyway?).

So his french wife and his mother are talking on the phone. And my Aunt was going on some rant about some TV show and mixed marriages and how they never work. So Joelle says "Well, Pam, Micheal and I are in a mixed marriage" (French/English).

My aunt responds: "Yes, I know dear, I know. "

[speeder]

ALL successful marriages are based on the concept of starting a new family, with the husband and wife + any children being the members of it. The "old families" are hopefully along for the ride and everyone is still close, (this is optimal and a great source of support in life), but the old family must never surpass the new family in influence or importance, IMO, for a marriage to work.

I am seeing this now in my family as my sister and her husband are in a low-grade beef w/ my parents that is making the holidays a drag, but I grudgingly admire that she puts her husband and their "new family" ahead of consideration for my mother, who can be a little controlling. It's painful and not at all simple, (if I have made it sound like it), but the chips are falling where they must for my sister to stay married and her 3 kids to have 2 parents in the house. If I was married and my in-laws were not cool to me in a way that affected my primary relationship, they would get the boot. If my wife was not on my side, boot her too. Asians do not seem to respect the new family concept, from what I hear on this board, plus like to control their children after they are adults. This is a nightmare combination for a spouse's family, unless you can give them the boot w/ spouse's OK.

[dd74]

Originally posted by Noah
Uh, in this case it's not culture, but religion. I know you DD, and you're not an orthodox Jew.

And trust me, being orthodox is a tough thing to do. It's a whole other scene. Are you ready to study the Talmud all day? You don't want that. I know I don't.

LOL! No, I'm not ready to continually study the Talmud - the bowing would kill my back. Now, if one of those little cuties would walk on my back afterward...

But seriously, I do believe there's a point where religion and culture intermix, and soon define one another.

[widebody911]

My 'catch and release' strategy is looking better by the day...

[Evans, Marv]

My wife is Fillippino (second wife). The first thing my mother said after meeting her for the first time was, "You didn't tell me she was Fillippino!" My answer was, "Yeah, don't you think she's really nice and an exotic beauty?" That was 10 years ago, and my mother still looks down to the floor or ground when I talk about my wife. That makes me talk all the more about her. I wouldn't trade her for any other woman or any amount of money. They aren't living your life, you are.

[Seahawk]

Interesting thead...

My experience is complicated. My father was from a blue collar, third generation Scotish family. Like most, his parents did well and both their sons did even better.

My mother was Spanish, from a much better heeled, multi-generational California family. She was the first to marry an anglo.

The Spanish side was very concerned...I don't think they took to him until the the kids arrived, which seems to leaven many mixed marriages.

The Scots remained clannish, but were not so resolute when, again, the kids arrived.

If there remains any concerns, it is certain that the following two gens could not care less.

[cstreit]

We have an interracial marriage as do a number of couples we know.
I've seen the greatest difficulty arise when one spouse's family doesn't really acknowledge that the new couple is a family unit, and now THAT family unit has to come first, and the other one second. This is true of all couples of course, but seems to be more prevalent in interracial marriage.

[HardDrive]

Originally posted by dd74
Peter (artplumber) nailed it.

When I was single and living in the Fairfax area of L.A., I'd see some gorgeous Orthodox Jewish girls - dark skinned, wavy hair, hazel eyes, etc. But crikey if they'd give me, Mr. Gentile, the time of day. Somehow in some way, I think they've been educated to be clanish with only their own.

It sucks, but culture is hard to change.

Are you sure its a cultural thing? Do you happen to look like Napoleon Dynamite?

[Dan in Pasadena]

I'm third generation Hispanic, my wife of 20 years was white. My immediate family was parents and 6 & 8 year older sisters. All of us (of course) speak perfect English, no one is the stereotypical "chubby Mexican woman with the braids", my mother was a working professional woman, etc - just trying to give you the picture.

Are we close? Yes. Did we spend every weekend at my parents house? No, but we were there a lot I will admit. My wife came from a stereotypically distant family and would say so herself. She "loved" how close we were, loved being part of a nuclear family - her words. Somehwere along the line it changed.

Here's the deal - we got divorced after 20 years of marriage and my family WAS an issue for her. What was the issue? To this day 6 years later I'm not entirely sure, really!

Whatever the relationship of me to my family I can say this - it changed over those 20 years.... we spent less and less time with my family but in the end my involvement with my family became a loyalty litmus test. To the point that she didn't want to visit my family on Christmas Day even though they lived 15 miles away. Didnt want ME to visit them either. NOT seeing my mother on Christmas day? I don't think so. Was I wrong? Apparently....I'm divorced!

I am unbelieveably close to my grown children and they to my family still. They love their mother but think she "has issues" on this loyalty thing. Overall, I think I'd have been (possibly) better off marrying a hispanic woman, though I wasn't particularly attracted to them as a young man. Now? I don't know how to say this without sounding bad, but I am turned off by white women. I am still physically attracted to them, but if I were without a girlfriend tomorrow, I would NOT consider a long term relationship with one. Baggage? Yup! Bought an paid for! Not that it can't be done successfully, it just can't be done successfully by me...apparently!