Caring for Elderly Parents

[bivenator]

It has been about 8 weeks since my FIL passed. My MIL lived with us until a week ago. Her health had deteriorated quickly. An inability to swallow forced us to move her to a rehab facility to try to regain the ability to swallow. She is currently being fed through a tube inserted into her stomach.
I expect the rehab efforts will end soon as she doesn't appear to be improving. We then hope to move her back to our house to make her as comfortable as possible until the reaper shows. A hospice will be needed at some time.
The rest of my wifes family is so angry and resentful. Downright nasty and not helpful in taking care of thier mom. We have recieved no financial compensation for the six weeks that she has stayed with us and don't expect any when she returns to our house after the stint in rehab.
I read the accounts by other posters telling of the troubles they had experienced with family, never thinking that we could not work out our differences. It appears now that the family will be torn apart because of this. So very disappointing.

[GH85Carrera]

I have see many family members care nothing about the parent but only what the will inherit. It is very sad.

[Aragorn]

Originally Posted by GH85Carrera

I have see many family members care nothing about the parent but only what the will inherit. It is very sad.

Commonly referred to as circling vultures.

[lane912]

do what needs to be done-
don't call out the slackers that only gives them a false sence of credit
just do the right thing, it is what you would want if it were you-

[Joe Ricard]

Going through a similar thing. Just took MIL to Emergency room and later admitted to ICU. This will be the 4th time in less than a year. She lives in the house I bought next door to us and has been wonder being able to visit several times a day and keep tabs.

Siblings have not been here for years even tho we give a call as an update when heading to hospital for care. There is no estate nor debt. Yea I am the responsible one because it is the right thing to do.

I am convinced getting old sucks. I have 2 sons that will probably take care of me at some point. At least throw some dry bread at me once in awhile.

[hightuned]

I feel for you. My oncle took in his senile 100y old father in law for years, when he died his wifes 2 sibblings finnaly showed some interest as the the old man hade about $800k in stocks. Never did they give a thought to paying someing extra for the years my uncle and his wife(they dont have alot of money, and my fahter has helped them finacially) cared for their father, some ppl are just gready heartless bastards!

[bivenator]

The end is here. My MIL passed last Sunday and the funeral will be on Saturday. It is not clear if all my wifes siblings will attend. Her brother says it is too difficult and the older sister wanted no service at all but a private ceremony with only family. She said she wanted to get it over with. WTH, it is not her funeral.
Not honoring your parent with a proper funeral is just beyond my comprehension. My wife fought her on this and now there will be a visitation and a public service.
The family is shattered and I am not certain there will be reconciliation in the future.
Lessons learned, people suck, plan your funeral, don't die.

[matt f]

My condolences on your loss.
You and your wife did the right, compassionate thing.
They did not.

[Rikao4]

sorry for your loss..
the Lady & you did the right thing..
hopefully someone will be there for the 2 of you ..
meantime.
you've seen & heard them..
reconcile...get real...
loose them & don't look back..
as you will only see their knives and greed..

Rika

[RANDY P]

Originally Posted by bivenator

The end is here. My MIL passed last Sunday and the funeral will be on Saturday. It is not clear if all my wifes siblings will attend. Her brother says it is too difficult and the older sister wanted no service at all but a private ceremony with only family. She said she wanted to get it over with. WTH, it is not her funeral.
Not honoring your parent with a proper funeral is just beyond my comprehension. My wife fought her on this and now there will be a visitation and a public service.
The family is shattered and I am not certain there will be reconciliation in the future.
Lessons learned, people suck, plan your funeral, don't die.

Blown away. Just give in, let them parrot their excuses publicly, then be done with them. No need to be angry about it, but let them proclaim their cheapness.

Sorry about the news, you did your best and carried the cross. Rest easy, it's not your fault, you are the one who put the time, effort and $$$ into her final days.

rjp

[RANDY P]

PS do tell them in 10 years, when they finally try coming around feeling "guilty" it'll fall on deaf ears. 10 years from now isn't the same as now when they are needed. They went AWOL.

[onewhippedpuppy]

Very sorry for your loss, unfortunately your experience seems to be typical.

My grandfather passed several years ago, also a sudden and totally unexpected death. My grandmother moved in with my parents pretty much immediately, she was in ok health and reasonably able to take care of herself. The other two siblings of course saw plenty of errors in how my parents chose to take care of my grandmother, but none of them were willing to bring her into their home. She eventually got bad enough after a year that she had to move to a home, dementia had taken hold and she was hallucinating and attempting to leave the house in the middle of the night. She passed a few months ago, in many ways it was a relief. Very similar overall experience, the siblings were far more concerned with grandma's estate than they were grandma, they had eventually acquiesced regarding her moving to a nursing home but were very concerned about the cost (and impact to their estate). It has damaged the family permanently, I personally have little desire to ever visit my extended family. Sad but true, that's how these things always seem to go.

Personally I have zero desire to be a burden to my kids, when the time comes I want to be in some variety of assisted living with as much independence as I can handle. These sorts of things can tear families apart, and I have always believed that you put your immediate family (wife and kids) above all else.

[RANDY P]

Originally Posted by onewhippedpuppy

Personally I have zero desire to be a burden to my kids, when the time comes I want to be in some variety of assisted living with as much independence as I can handle. These sorts of things can tear families apart, and I have always believed that you put your immediate family (wife and kids) above all else.

Exactly how my dad was- he doesn't want to be anyone's PITA..

[onewhippedpuppy]

Originally Posted by RANDY P

Exactly how my dad was- he doesn't want to be anyone's PITA..

I just figure by that point my life will probably suck anyway, and I don't want to be a burden to my family when they should be enjoying theirs. I also don't want to be the reason for fights, divorce, etc. It sounds bad to say, but I'm pretty certain I could not handle either a parent or parent-in-law living with me. I'd be happy to move them close and visit often, but living with me......probably not.