Caring for Elderly Parents

[vash]

man. this is tough to read. my mom has said that i am the only child she can see her living with.

i cannot imagine my siblings sending me money.

[tweezers74]

This is a very tough situation and yes, I have seen it tear families apart. That is why I tell all my patients to do their children a huge favor: save up for their care/retirement and secondly, explain in grueling detail what is to be done in certain situations and have their funeral arrangements done. It saves their kids a lot of fights, tears, and stress.

Is your sister-in-law the POA and healthcare POA as well? Another fact, you can assign somebody different to be your healthcare POA. One who knows your wishes as far as life saving measures and what to do if you do lose your ability to make decisions regarding your health. The nice thing about this is that you can separate the areas of finances and your well being...

I can understand why you would want to keep your MIL at home but this can become a slippery slope quickly. Sounds like your MIL has not deteriorated at a rapid pace but that could change. Is she on Alzheimer's medication? Most of these medications have only shown marginal effects in slowing down the progression but in your case, every little bit helps to try and keep her at home. Secondly, as others have mentioned, you may have to choose to put her in an Alzheimer's facility. It can be exhausting to take care of a loved one with the disease and frankly, you don't have the same resources as a facility. I worked in an Alzheimer's unit the first year I was out of nursing school. We had doors that had automatic locking mechanisms when visitors left and an alarm if someone opened the door without swiping in. That alarm went off hourly. It is a major safety issue. You will have to have your eyes on her 24/7. In Arizona it is always scary, especially in the summer if they wander off. A couple hours in the sun without water... I remember one story of an Alzheimer's patient that wandered off was found but had third degree burns in their feet from walking on the asphalt barefoot.

All I can say is you need to have a family meeting. Throw it out there that this would be a temporary situation and that you two wanted to take care of her for as long as you can, in hopes that once they see it works out well for you and your MIL, they will keep it the same. Emphasize it might be less scary for your MIL to live with you rather than a facility. Have them visit a facility with you. Most are fine. Some are not. Maybe it will convince them they would rather have her at home as well.

Like Vash, this will be an issue for my family as well. My mother, who divorced my father, is a seamstress and didn't make a ton of money. She has very little retirement and even less saved for any health issues as she ages. Of my three sisters, one has filed bankruptcy and used all their retirement money to live on the last two years, another just moved back in with my mother at the age of 35 with her daughter and just got her car repossessed, and my older sister having to ask for $20,000 from my father towards a down payment on a house for her and her family of five kids and husband. And here I am. The only one with a good nest egg built up, never asked for a dime from my parents (full ride scholarship, got a job right out of college after passing the nursing boards) and the only one financially stable. It sucks to be responsible one sometimes. But I see it coming. That's why my mom has asked me to be both healthcare POA and POA. I told her I would only be so if she continuously verbalized her wishes to my sisters and get it all written in her living will and will. But I can still see it being a battle.

Hugs to you. Not a fun situation to be in at all. Keep us in the loop to what happens. The more situations and stories we hear, the more we learn on how to deal with these situations.

[bivenator]

Tweezers, glad you chimed in. We did push to spit the POA and the health POA, with us taking the health POA. It makes sense for my wife to have the health POA as she will be dealing with the decisions making.
MOM is on Alz. meds, Arracept (sp) and we don't expect a great deal of improvement but maybe a slowing as you had mentioned.

You are so correct when you say it would be less scary for MOM to be at our house as opposed to a facility. We feel the same at it has been tangibly demonstrated by MOMs words and actions. (MOM= my other mother)

I don't count much on physical help from the other siblings. MOM has been with us for three weeks and one daughter has visited her for about 4 hours. So if you want to be a checkbook caregiver then pull out your checkbook.

Thanks all for helping put some outside perspective.

[tweezers74]

Aricept. Yes, good. Like I said, doesn't show that it does much "healing" but more slows the progression.

Just another thing to keep in mind... If it gets more difficult or your wife needs a reprieve, there are "day camps" sometimes where you can take them so that your wife can get a rest or be able to do other errands and such. Or maybe a bridge between full time care and "all at home" care.

[bivenator]

Day camps were suggested in a previous post and Mrs bivenator and I discussed that last nite. Really have had good input here at Pelican.

[Don Ro]

"I am aghast that 4 sibs with dual income households and one child per would allow their mother to enter the Medicaid program."
~~~~~~~~~~
This is why we sometimes hear that raising children can be a thankless endeavor.
In 2010 I sold everything in CA and went to Portland to care for a couple/friends for 2 yrs.
I learned a lot.
Be careful of "caregivers' dementia"
.
https://www.google.com/#q=caregivers+dementia+support+groups
.

Also, "sundowner's syndrome".
.
https://www.google.com/#q=sundowners+syndrome
.
The husband, a retired WA state sheriff, was so bad off that one day he spray painted some dead backyard plants green.
And he would get downright nasty in the late afternoons (he was 6' 5"...I'm 5' 10").
.
Best of Good Luck!
.
ps BTW, I was paid nothing for my efforts/care. I even paid 1/3 of the food bill. I did it because I respected them.

[Rikao4]

this thread reminds of another..
were many expressed the joy of having children...
seem's many grow to be selfish little beotches or bastards..
yrs ago ..the old folks came home..
as the kids moved all over..
it became less so..
now it's card's and a call on those special days..
and when the old car needs some work..
a resounding not here and that's to much..

thank you for trying..
moved my Mom across the street..
and when it's time..
she moves here..

Rika

[bivenator]

MOM has been with us almost 3 weeks and we have established a routine and have made some progress in lifting the fog of depression. MOM is now considering going to some senior centers to participate in the programs or at least be there, this is a big step and we are encouraged.
The siblings still seem convinced and are working towards putting her in a home. I have never had to work so hard to convince somebody to do what seems so obviously right. They are waiting for an evaluation from the neurologist to decide her fate, even if the neurologist says she should stay with us I haven't gotten any reassurance that they will not still try to put her in a home.
There seems to be enough money in long term care insurance and some in the estate (30k) after all debts so she could stay with us without having to tap into the siblings money.
Strange days.

[asphaltgambler]

Originally Posted by bivenator

.............................I want the siblings to pay my wife for providing 24/7 care but am unsure of amounts. Any amount would be in addition to the social security that the MIL will receive.

This situation is creating lots of friction between one sister (lawyer with the power of attourney) and my wife.

Good luck with this, I do not see anyone stepping up to the plate. You could always ask, but don't be shocked when some or all decline to contribute ANY resource much less money. Ask me how I know

[Joe Bob]

I am dealing with this for the last 3 years.......my foil helmet helps.

[Rot 911]

bivenator, my family is going through this, but we are about 2-3 years farther along then you are. Mom lived with my sister until about 3 months ago when her alzheimers progressed to the point that she had to move to a nursing home. My other brother and sister were all supportive while mom lived with my other sister, but when mom moved to the nursing home and the bill is $4500 a month, suddenly they became scarce.

And go back and read what Randy P wrote as to medicaid and VA. You need to get on that right away as it takes a long time to kick in.

[cairns]

Lots of good advice here so I will add one thing that may sound heartless. Get her out of your house and into a home ASAP. She will get worse. You will find her out in the yard with no clothes on. She could walk away for hours and not know where she is. She might get violent. As much as your wife may care for her it doesn't sound like she's a healthcare professional. And your MIL will need one 24/7. And you and your wife need a life.

I just went through this with my stepmother. It's very sad. Her kids (my stepbrother and sister) are robbing her. Stepbrother will probably serve time for stealing her SS checks. Relatives can be pretty f'd up in every family.

[bivenator]

Cairns, I know what you are saying and am not afraid to face the day when MOM will have to be in a home. Its not that time now. She still has some tread on the tires and to send her to a home would be a death sentence.
Having her with us has been beneficial in some ways as the wife and I are drawn closer by our need to be a team. My 9 y/o, who has been an only child is learning some life lessons about not being the center of the universe. She has responded pretty well. Each day has its challenges but not feeling it being a burden at this point.
With some outside assistance from the long term care insurance we can do this until we shouldn't do it.
I appreciate all the informative responses and we have implemented some of the info in this thread.
I just don't understand the siblings.

[RANDY P]

if she's coherent let her be.... that's just cruel if she's coherent..

Dad in his final days at home would shower 6x a day because he kept forgetting he showered, and would do so with cold water...

Today- he knows he's home at the nursing home. The whole journey has been 4 years.. 2.5 were really bad.

rjp

[cairns]

I apologize- if she is coherent I agree you don't need to put her in a home. But there are retirement communities (at least in Maryland) with subsidized rent if you feel you need to go that route. It worked out with my parents for a while but then SM went off the deep end. It doesn't sound like you'll get any help from your siblings though. Good Luck.

[sck007]

This thread really hits home....Everyone's provided some great perspective! It is very honorable that you & your wife have accepted the challenge. Some people are wired that way and some not. Alzheimer is devastating to both victim and those immediate family caretakers.

You will face many challenges including the day you decide to commit her to nursing home. Without going into too much detail, you will find that you may have to cut the power off in the kitchen when going to bed. Also, make sure your doors are locked and can only be opened with a key(deadbolt) just in case she starts to wonder off.

My Brother(married) and I(single) took turns caring for Mom for about 8 months before we committed her to nursing home. All of our other siblings lived out of town. It was the toughest time in my life and everything since has paled in comparison. I had never been more humbled until the first time I had to bathe my Mom.

I am encourage that you and your wife will provide for her immediate care. I know my Sister has always wished she was more involved.

Best regards,

[Rusty Heap]

I won't go into the details, but welcome to my life of the last 13 months taking care of a mental dementia delusional parent.


Simple question to ask yourself. Yes you can be the care-giver, full time, then ease into hire out the care-giving on a part time melding it into the parents live-in home care full time while it's an option, then find a proper home with the right people, at the right time, to provide the right care, at the right place.

and then you can become a son/daughter (or in-law) and smile and enjoy time together..................instead of the care-giver.

sigh.


no one easy answer.


do what you can when you can.



the rest is just time, money, and priorities.


.............and that Sun Downers Syndrome sucks more than anyone could ever know until you go through that horror as a child of an ailing parent.

google it, it's real.



double sigh.

[Joe Bob]

When Momz (shutup Sid) is lucid, her fave joke is...."Meeting new people everyday".....

[imcarthur]

I don’t know if it is relative but we were faced with the same decision 4 years ago with my wife’s parents. They couldn’t live alone anymore. He recognized it but she went with heels dragging. The three siblings met & one – my wife’s sister - volunteered. We all agreed that she was the best. She had the space where we could build them a basement apartment & she had the right temperament. My wife did not – although it tears her apart every day to admit it. Their brother is the consummate yuppie with new wife & adopted child so he was never in the running. The basement apartment is rural & they look out at a picturesque duck pond.

Long story short: they are still there. Money-wise, my S-I-L gets a fixed amount from their gov’t pension to cover costs. She makes money on it. In other ways as well, but we ignore that. At this point – the parents are 92 & 87 yrs – they still look after themselves day-to-day in the basement apartment. Barely. They seem to have some problem almost every day. They have a support worker who does some of the housework once a week. My S-I-L shops & does the doctor runs but little else. They cook for themselves. We have the parents down ‘for a holiday’ (as he likes to say) 3 or 4 times a year but they increasingly don’t travel well & it is a 2 hour one way drive. My wife is their phone friend. Twice a day. She talks to them more than her sister who lives upstairs. So both sisters have found a role to play.

However, it is becoming very obvious in the last year that my S-I-L & her husband are at their max. The situation has been financial beneficial to them but the emotional toll is growing. And my wife & her sister are in the midst of a take-no-prisoners war. Life goes on . . .

And the smartest thing that her parents did was to divide their cash – their life’s small nest egg – amongst the children 4 years ago when they sold the house. Now that was real wisdom.

Watching our parent’s age & die is heart-breaking but it is up to us to help in the best way that we can.

Ian

[tweezers74]

One more thing... I know for some caregivers, it got so hard to see their loved ones not even remember who they were. Or yelled at them. Or hit them. Broke their heart when their mom asked who they were. Just a warning. They literally can become different people. So just be cognizant of that.

I had one patient, loved her. Helped her put on her makeup every day during the medication pass. Always put this floppy hat on that she liked. Fed her the sugar free chocolates her daughter sent her since she was diabetic. She got bad... I was trying to put on some cream to protect her skin on her bottom side since she was now incontinent. She didn't remember who I was even though I had been her nurse for 6 months and she knew me by name. I almost cried when she screamed at me and scratched me when she thought I was someone trying to attack her. She was so scared. I can't imagine if I was her child and was trying to help her and this was her reaction. Yes. Hard on both ends.