The Aging Parents Thread

[Evans, Marv]

Sid, wishing the best of luck to your parents. They're lucky to have a son like you. I've looked at this thread a few times & hesitated to post anything. You who have/had parents you could interact with are lucky people. My father passed in '92 & mother in '10. It's amazing how kids go through growing up assuming their parents are like everybody else's. My parents fed us, clothed & went through the motions, but not much interaction beyond that. At 18, you were out of the house, and my youngest sister went before that. Growing up, I wondered at times about how other kids & their parents seemed to interact & communicate like normal people. I have to say, I treated my parents well after getting out on my own, but have to confess didn't feel a lot when they passed. Like my sister said when I tried to describe our parents' attitude toward their kids, and she said "devalued" was the word. Not trying to be negative, but people with parents who actually talk to them & treat them like people are lucky.

[john70t]

Originally Posted by billybek

1. How did or how do you arrange for inhome care for your parents with out insulting them?

If they are mentally capable you tell them straight out. No lies.
"I am unable to give you all the help you need at this point by myself."
"This person is here to help you and me while I'm busy. I want you to listen to them".

They will be uncomfortable adjusting to a stranger assisting with mssy bathroom cleanup. (but how would you feel with some stranger wiping your ash?)
ABOVE ALL: Be very involved, but let the professional do his/her job first. Connect and bond.
If it does not feel like things are working out with that care person, consider changes.
Stay flexible and learn what works.

It not an easy thing to go through. You have to remember to heal yourself.
Take a breather and be sure to laugh once in a while.

Having things prepared before is huge: A easy changing chair, a stack of depends, shower grab bars, spraybottle and toweletts for cleanup, sweatpants and cloths all neat in a row and ready to go.

Originally Posted by billybek

2. How did you or how do you bring up the topic with your siblings to pay for inhome care?

Sit down and talk finances frankly and realistically.
$93,000/yr. is the average nursing home price in Michigan.

My uncle rented a room to a nursing student in exchange for part time care.
That was a smart choice.

[jyl]

I had to make an emergency trip to the Bay Area yesterday. My dad's hoarding behaviour has reached crisis levels.

When his mom, my grandmother, died eight months ago, he initially insisted her house not be sold. His siblings prevailed. Then he insisted he needed to go back and gather everything of sentimental or other value. He spent months in the empty house, packing and sorting. Had two containers shipped cross country. I and everyone begged him not to, but he brought back everything that wasn't bolted down. Furniture, clothes, books, small appliances, knick knacks, and an alarming amount of pure junk, like the contents of her medicine cabinet, a half used box of Depends adult diapers, old bath towels, and God knows what else.

He has a three car garage. It was already very very cluttered. After he installed a bunch of metal shelves and unloaded one container, the garage was stuffed and furniture was stacked in the hallways of the house.

His wife is recovering from a 12 hour cancer resection and reconstructive surgery. She was so upset about what her house had become that she refused to return after her discharge, which was Monday.

I'm the only one he sometimes listens to. I negotiated with him for days, then skipped out on the busiest period at work, flew down, rented the biggest self storage unit I could find, hired a moving service, and today a three man crew with a 25 foot truck spent ten hours and two trips to move most - not all - of the stuff into the storage unit.

This is a stopgap solution. There is another container still at the shipping company's yard. Someone has to go through the now-full storage unit, and have a trash service haul away as much of it as possible, so that the rest of the stuff can get moved in there.

He says he'll do it, but he won't. It took ten minutes tonight to get him to acknowledge that a beat up, 30 year old pair of snow skis should be thrown out. He kept finding reasons why they might be useful someday. The f-king half box of Depends, he argued over that too. Maybe someone we know might need them someday?

I'm going to make another trip down here in a few weeks to trash some of the stuff. I'll have to do it without telling him. If he notices, which he might, he might not trust me again. Which might cost my ability to influence him over the next crisis.

So maybe I rent another 10 x 30 unit for the second container. And he or I just pays $800/mo in storage fees, indefinitely.

Neither seem like satisfactory solutions. But at least his wife can go back to her own home to recuperate.

[porsche4life]

Yikes John!

Honestly that is a fear of mine with my dad if something where to happen to mom. Dad loves accumulating junk(mostly tools) and he refuses to throw anything out. I bet he has shoes he stopped wearing 5 years ago that hurt his feet then that he won't throw out.
Again, everything might be worth something or we might need it.

The scary part, he has 10 acres of this crap. Junk signs he took down 20years ago stacked out back. Trucks that he hasn't used in 10 years sitting around. It would take MONTHS to sort out the good from the bad, and it's worth doing as he has several hundred k in tools and equipment stashed away....


Not sure what to tell you. If he can pay for the storage, let him. At least for a while. Maybe he'll realize it's costing him more than the junk is worth.

[imcarthur]

A long, long story so I will just hit the highlights. We have just gone through a bout of 'emergency' parental care. Both my parents are gone but my wife's are 93 & 87. For the past 7 years they lived in an in law apt at my wife's sister's rural house. They financed the renos & paid $1000 + for rent per month. It had been a needed income stream for my SIL & her husband but they essentially kicked them out this summer. My MIL was hospitalized at the end of July but the stay turned into 2 months of temporary hospice care when my SIL refused to let her come home. This meant that this couple were separated for the first time since 1949. They have survived war, escape from a Communist country, emigration, forced servitude, a devastating house fire, another relocation etc etc. With the incredibly long wait times for a gov't assisted home, we took them in at the end of Sept & reunited them until we could get them into a home. Since our house is not elderly-friendly, we rearranged it. We ditched our living room & turned it into a bedroom. We fitted a bathroom with the needed stuff. We arranged daily visits from personal support workers. We regulated meal times & I cooked nothing but 'old-people friendly' food for months. Our house turned into a Hungarian village as their English skills diminished. He has increasing dementia & she has severe rheumatoid arthritis. They were a handful. After 5 weeks, we got him into an acceptable home. She went into the same home - same room in early January. They are finally permanently reunited.

Was it easy? No. Would we do it again? In a heartbeat. We have a debt to pay to our parents when they turn into children & need us.

Btw my wife was the true warrior here & she fought daily with the gov't etc to make it all work with next to no help from her 2 siblings.

Ian

[NY65912]

Mom passed in 1997 at 77, breast cancer.

Dad is 91+ and is in very good health. Had a hip replacement at 89. Strong as an ox. He's now complaining problems with his balance. He is from Italy, and still has red wine with lunch and dinner. He attributes hard physical work, olive oil and red wine to his good health.

The problem is he is a PITA. He can be mean to my sister who he lives with, me not so much, mainly because I always took somewhat of a stand to him.

If he would only be a little nicer. However, he does delight in his 4 great grandchildren.

[red-beard]

Mom is 81 and dad is 86. They live 1/2 mile away. Dad is internally and mentally perfect. But he has joint and hearing issues. Mom is externally excellent (looks late 60's), but internally has problems.

Dad has had 2 knee replacements in the past year. It has definitely been a challenge for everyone involved. He is no longer in pain, but is now having some stability issues and pain in "new" places.

I talk to them everyday and we get together for dinner at least once a week.

[dave 911]

Oh man, good thread . Not exactly fun to talk about, but it's something many of us will go through...if we're lucky.

Dad is 84, Mom 78. Dad has had memory issues/early stage dimentia for about 4-5 years. His short term memory is pretty much gone, he doesn't remember what he had for lunch, but he can tell you what the count and score was when he hit a home run in August of 53 and who all the players on the team were for every year he played semi-pro ball. And he's become very uncommunicative - he knows us all but just doesn't want to talk or interact with people. He used to be the life of the party. He also has pre-diabetes and has had prostate cancer for 20+ years now - we thought that was going to do him in when he was diagnosed in 1994 but that's the least of his problems.

Mom is also developing memory issues, she frequently repeats things in a conversation and can't remember the names of any of the streets or restaurants around the house anymore. She always mentions Dad not talking at all -- I think the lack of social interaction is a contributor to her issues. Her physical health is good.

I'm in Ohio, they're in San Diego, and luckily my brother (who is single) lives a couple miles from them and helps out a TON. I feel bad that I can't do more - I go out to visit several times a year and help out with projects at the house - my bro isn't as handy as I am. And I call Mom often.

They still live in the house we grew up in, we had in-home care coming in 3 days a week, and just increased it to 5 days a week now.

My wife's folks, on the other hand, are doing great. A few years younger than my parents, but active, healthy, travel alot, and have a great network of friends. And my wife's grandmother turned 100 last year and is sharp as a tack mentally. Her body is starting to fail though.

I had the opportunity a few years ago to buy long term care insurance at a good price, and jumped on it. With both parents showing dimentia-like symtoms, and longevity in the family, I'm feeling like the odds aren't on my side.

[jyl]

Good job Ian, for your dedication and creativity. Shame on your siblings in law.

[jyl]

My mother, at about 70, decided to divorce her husband of some 40 years (her second husband, after my dad). She moved from their home in San Diego, to Beijing and then to Taipei, and enjoyed the independent life for a few years. But she is getting older, unsteady on her feet, and had increasing trouble on her own. She started falling, each time she'd damage a tooth or break a bone. Her last fall was a few months ago, during a visit to my sister in Portland. Was hospitalized for that one. She decided to rent an apartment in Portland and live with someone who will take care of her. Who is . . . her ex-husband. I shake my head.

[911SauCy]

What is one to do with a 59 year old parent that is exhibiting true signs of early onset Alzheimer's?

[recycled sixtie]

Originally Posted by 911SauCy

What is one to do with a 59 year old parent that is exhibiting true signs of early onset Alzheimer's?

Get him/her tested for sure. Is the other parent capable of looking after the afflicted one?
There must be support organziations in your area to consult with.

Guy

[Charles Freeborn]

We've had a run of "turnover" in our families lately. My 94 yo stepfather (married to my mother for 43 yrs) and my wife's 80something stepfather. Neither unexpected (one dialysis and the other dementia), and for icing on the cake my wife's uncle died on new years day.
What I've experienced is how old, and I mean childhood old, issues between siblings have re-surfaced. I have 3 older sisters, which is a pantload in itself, but bring back all the vying for attention and things go off the rails quick. My mother just turned 92, so we've got the whole carnival to look forward to again one day, hopefully not soon, but soon enough...
Meanwhile we're moving my mother in law up to our town into one of the "retirement communities" here in town. She'll start in an apartment of her own, then move to various skilled care facilities in the same building as or if needed. There's a racket if there ever was one. We've gotten a crash course in them, if anyone is interested. They all have a similar business model, but as the saying goes, the devil's in the details.

[wdfifteen]

My parents are both gone. I come from a very German family. "My parents loved me so much, they almost told me once."
When my dad had mild alzheimers our relationship was the best it ever was. I was taking care of him and we really spent time together, so in that sense my aging father was a blessing in disguise. I never got to that point with my mom.

[J P Stein]

I am an aging parent.....the wife just signed for medicare last year, I'm 5 years older. We do the best we can to take care of our kids & their familys. We haven't had to put any of them in rehab or nursing homes....yet.

[scottmandue]

Originally Posted by Baz

That's nice, Fred. Having them so close by is fantastic.

My father died in '68 but Mom is still with us. I tried to get my Mom to get a place on my block but she likes her home and neighborhood - which is a 10 minute drive away, so I am thankful she is that close by at least.

She will be 92 this month, lives on her own, still drives, etc....amazing.....

That is fantastic BAZ!

Unfortunately my 90 YO mom is blind in one eye and using a walker... can't drive... getting the keys away from dad when he was still here was WWIII as was getting caregivers into the house, fortunately we have them in place now (but only half day seven days a week). Also fortunate Dad was a good planer/businessman/investor so we can afford the care givers out of the estate.

Gotta run, will type more tomorrow.

[greglepore]

Timely thread. My dad is almost 98, and was effectively 80 until a couple of weeks ago. No dementia, but a seriously compromised emotional state due to his sudden physical decline while still in a fully functional mental state.

We begin as children, and absent something sudden, to children we return.

[john70t]

Originally Posted by 911SauCy

What is one to do with a 59 year old parent that is exhibiting true signs of early onset Alzheimer's?

Get tested.
It could be cholesterol or a restricted carotid reducing blood flow to the brain, or a mini stroke, or any number of other things.

Alzheimer's is the best known known type of dementia, but there are actually a hundred different kinds.
Drugs that work for Alzheimer's are actually detrimental for Lewie Bodies (the second most common at 20%). Pot may slow the onset.
Alzheimer's is a long slow mental slide, while L.B. is a 2-5 year roller coaster drop with the symptoms of Parkinson's added on.

[Scuba Steve]

I'm not looking forward to trying to deal with the issue due to living halfway across the country from my parents, and it will be my task to handle alone since my only sibling died unexpectedly three months ago.

My parents are both in their mid-60s and never really took care of their health. They loved eating but not moving around, which is a nice way of saying they are both "big" and have problems associated with being that size for such a long period of time. I think my dad has lost 40lb or so since having a hip replaced and being told in no uncertain terms that he needs to take care of himself or he'll have a lot of heart and blood issues to look forward to. He also finally got a hearing aid after being reminded of how many years he tried unsuccessfully to get his own mother to buy one and how frustrating it was to try and interact with her. Mom is going to have a lot of ankle and knee problems but is otherwise alright.

Mentally they're doing quite fine though, aside of course from dealing with the loss of my brother. To be honest as they age I'm not sure how we'll handle things. My dad's only sibling lives next door in a house that we bought for her and his mom about 10 years ago. She has a caretaker since she's moderately mentally retarded. My parents live in the same house they bought almost 40 years ago and I doubt they would ever want to move. Hopefully figuring everything out will be a long way away.

[recycled sixtie]

Interesting thread. We are generally living longer. I think of my two grandmothers who died back in the 1950's aged 72. They did not exercise at all and were somewhat overweight.That was not unusual then to die at that age. Now people are living longer generally into their 80's. Like I used to tell my mother before she passed away aged 94 that people are like cars, the longer they are on the road the more cr@p that happens to them.

Now my mother was proactive. She had a condo she lived in till in her 80's. Then she rented it out and moved into a group home. Then she moved into a blindhome although she was not totally blind. She sold her condo. Her group home/blind home cost around $240,000 over the ten years.

Now my father in law passed away last year. He outlived his wife by ten years. He pretty much needed to be told what to do. He could not live in his condo by himself. He needed meals. So we got him in to an old folks building that served meals. He would not allow just anybody to come in to his unit to clean the place. It had to be the children or me that vacuumed the place.


Eventually he fell and went into the hospital. He said take me to your home. We said nothing. Many years ago when he was head of the household he had his mother in law living with him as well as his wife and 4 children. He put the fear of God into the mil and his wife.

My wife and I agreed he could not live in our house. Fortunately we found a govt. type seniors home. Most of all patients were bedridden. His govt. benefits barely covered the costs of living there. He lived 2 years there and passed away age 98 last year.

I would not mind taking in aged parents if they were reasonable. Bigoted, demanding,
abusive I cannot handle. The people that work in these long term care homes are saints. We feel a sense of freedom now that he has passed away. It was expected by the other 3 siblings of my wife that we kept an eye on him and look after him as we lived here.

Hope this helps!
Guy