Well done. At the time of the split it is very stressful. You have come out of it and the skies are clearer for you. :)

Lee, thanks for posting your progress and the good news on your new life.

Well, almost a year later here is where I am.
Ive been through hell and back. It got worse after I stopped posting. New information came out that let me off the hook. People kept that from me hoping to spare me the pain, but in reality it gave me closure.

In the meantime my head kept going around in circles trying to figure out where "I" went wrong. Before the split we'd be out, having fun, and within a short time of being home she'd turn on me, and I never understood why. What did I do wrong between the car and the house?

She was a master of guilt, which I'd been brainwashed into accepting, when in fact it was about her guilt. A friend suggested that she was probably trying to get me to leave. I was just too dumb to realize it.

As a result of all of this rumination, I probably killed any chance of motion asking me along on another motorcycle ride. This **** was so deep inside my head.

But, I found out the truth when I got home.two months and 23,000kms later. It set me free, but also set in motion a bunch of unexpected resentments, feeling my life had been stolen.

The hurt for her went away in the first coupe months, but the sting of having been played has not.

I realized that what I missed most was ME!
Ive followed a lot of the advice here and form others.
Ive found the true me.
I'll never sacrifice me again
in a new relationship, blow it up early if I have any indications of certain character traits.

I'm ok with ME.
As flatbutt said, I also go to bed with someone I love every night. ME!

I've separated in my mind the two women that I was married to:
1) the loving caring person I knew who I raised two children with. She was my biggest cheer leader.

2) The woman that she became in the last few years. She has to have been struggling with a lot of internal demons. I didn't recognize that woman (and Im not taking physically). Someone stole her brain. While that woman was evil, I thought malicious sometimes, but probably she was afraid or anxious and scared. That finely honed evolutionary defense mechanism is pretty convincing to ward off enemies. She is not now, and was not before an evil person. but in the height of it all She'd lose it in a scorched earth rage.

. But once in a while a glimmer of who she once was would appear, and that was confusing. I felt like someone on the walking dead, in love with the person she once was, not the person who's brain had shifted.

I got every crazy reason in the book for the split. One day it was that I hadn't;t finished building the dune buggy, but another it was because she even had to dress me???:confused: Obviously none of the many reasons were the real reason but many of them left me off balance.

I know in the last few years she had people at work who were not looking out for her best interests, including women who were jealous of the life that she had. I believe they poisoned the well, and one day she announced to me that she realized that she was in a bad marriage. Like what, magically?

And for those who didn't have malicious intention, friends, the problem with friends is that they believe you. If she was feeling something, poor you. Who had MY back/ Who was there to question her assumption? My reading on Perimenopause really suggests that a stable but questioning voice can be beneficial for someone who is experiencing the anxiety and uncertainty etc that comes with that.. Thats what a good professional will do. People have told me since that I didn't stand a chance.

So here is how Ive spent the last year:

Step 1. Moved on from her in the first few months.

Step 2. Became OK with me. I can be alone with me for the rest of my life and Im ok with that. I hit that point after a lot of self examination after the first 3 months

step 3. let myself off the hook. Too much of the ridiculous reasons were pointed my way leaving me to travel for months while trying to solve these riddles inside my helmet. I've finally moved past that

Step 4.Purge the resentment. I've really working on that one but it keeps sneaking back up on me. She stoled my life, and while i was away even put down my dog. Its easy to sound like a victim, but thats the way I feel, but I don't want to be so I turn every negative victim thought around into an "I" statement. I take ownership. I let it happen. "I" will take control of what happens next.

Step 5. Cautiously allow myself to be around other women. Cautiously and slowly. And look for the signs.
Ive already had one stalker from a simple conversation. Pissed because I wouldn't give her a chance and go out with her even for a coffee. Boys. thats a sign. And I'd rather be alone the rest of my life than get tangled up with something like that.

My revenge will be to dig myself out of this financial and emotional hole, become a success again and most important happy. I think she has internal demons that will never let her enjoy the same happiness. I will be, in fact AM better for it.

The unfortunate thing is that the old me is gone. Will never return. I will remain guarded, less trusting in many situations, and I suppose less gullible or willing to give the benefit of the doubt. But I will live life with extreme honesty and expect exactly the same thing from anyone else. If a conversation about a difficult subject cannot be had, blow it up, its not worth it, I won't accept anything less from anyone. And if you can't handle me being honest, same goes.

Extreme integrity is the only thing that I will accept.
-Character is a beauty that attracts me.
-Empathy is an aphrodisiac.
-The ability to self reflect an absolute necessity.

TO answer the question "why are so many guys blindsided?

I think that the answer to that is that things appear to get better. We think we've made it through the toughest part of marriage, and now it time for us as a couple to enjoy the fruits of our labor.

I myself felt that in the kids and careers years, when the going got a bit tough, I imagined that we were swinging across a chasm, me hanging on to the vine, and her in my arms, soon to be safely across to the other side. All the signs seemed to be there that we had each others backs. But unfortunately just when the other side was in sight and we were about to land on solid ground, she cut the FN rope!

There is no way that I ever want her back. But I miss my life so I am building a new one.

Wayne

P.S.

For those with good relationships, possibly about to get blind sided, let me submit "exhibit A"


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Wayner, good for you! I congratulate you on your progress! You are going to be alright
http://forums.pelicanparts.com/support/smileys/wat.gif Still good for the beers if you get down my wayhttp://forums.pelicanparts.com/support/smileys/wat6.gif

Well I can see the introspection is continuing which is not a bad thing but on the other hand too much navel gazing can get tedious. It is indeed good to see you out and about.

I have said it before that a good counselor is really helpful. The big thing is that a counselor is not going to take sides(unlike a lawyer).

I am the first to admit after my first marriage that I was as much to blame for the problems as she was. Fortunately we did not have children and my second wife who I met shortly after did not either.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with your having your own place and a girlfriend keeps her own place. Any time you move in together the dynamics change.
I met a fellow many years ago whose wife died relatively young. He stated that if he met another woman he was interested in that she would not inherit anything from him as his children would get everything. Not a bad way of doing it.

However children do complicate a relationship. Step children etc.
Also note that even in good marriages there can be issues and arguments.
It seems that you are well able to detect any game playing on the part of the opposite sex. That is good. My apologies if I come over too fatherly.
Cheers, Guy

And Wayne if you are not too far away in Saskatchewan I could drive up in my Miata and pick you up at the airport where you fly in to and take you to your motorbike(likely Spring time). I am always looking for an excuse for a road trip and getting out of Dodge.:)

Cheers, Guy.

Flat also wrote the below in another thread.

“Moments of joy” is to me key. Happiness and joy are expressed in moments...no one is exempt from sorrow and doubt, disappointment and the pains of life.

Understanding that and knowing how best to organize life for accepting the moments of joy amidst the storms we all face is important, at least to me.

I wish you the Best. Your post is obviously the result of much introspection.

Powerful stuff wayner. You nailed it.

The other day I got out the cat fishing pole thingamabob and got him chasing it around a little. He was a little nonplussed at first but got into it. Realized it's been ages since I did that last. Usually it's "What do you need? I'm busy." Coincidentally he stopped being a brat to the dog and getting him wound up at me. Life seems to feel better at a subconscious level, despite even more things going wrong, but those things also become new when they get fixed.

I realized I hadn't been trying for a long time. I'd stopped smelling the roses by self-choice and/or training. If I had wanted us to go out and do something it was always "no" before. Unless it was her agenda calling of course. Then self-determination and a refusal would be tantamount to the nuclear option. Maybe it was fear of the unknown that made me stay with her. Maybe it was guilt. It really was my choice and my fault for letting her treat me that way. But we are born alone and we die alone.

A point to ponder:
the happiest men I have met were a-holes who loved themselves and didn't give a flying fook what anyone else thought.

Self-reflection is healthy, in small doses.

Isn't fun the best thing to have?

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Well, the best thing that come out of this self reflection is unravelling all of the brainwashing and blame etc, that when heard often enough you begin to believe

While I still have a ways to banish some of those now ingrained beliefs, I realize clearly that while she tried hard in many areas and in some ways was the perfect woman, that I was alone in working on improvements

All she could do was more of what she could do
(Cook even more fabulous meals etc, but her main improvement mechanism was to wait and see)

Self reflection was not a tool that she seemed to possess, and I couldn’t be the only one to do that.

I started off a strong confident guy who would not take **** from anyone, but
By the end there was nothing left of me

The boiling frog analogy fits well, it snuck on me and I guess in hindsight I did not do enough to look out for me. I didn’t think I had to, I thought we were a team, and by the time that I realized I had to, it was too late

I wasn’t perfect, but at least I knew it and was always willing to do something about it

I’ll close this off with this:

1) I took on too much responsibility and it took its toll
2) She listened to the wrong people and squandered our happiness

I’m off to reinvent ME
Wayner out

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I've been divorced for over 15 years and I'm having a ball. My kids are grown and I do pretty much whatever I like.
This may sound stupid but I can sleep in on a Saturday without getting nagged. That one thing alone has been wonderful.

I like women but I'm in no hurry to do anything. I just hang our with my friends and have fun.
No big thing but my mum keeps telling me to find a nice lady and settle down. :D

Keep rollin Wayner, you're gettin there. Good progress- what doesn't kill you makes you stronger is very, very true.

rjp

Enjoy life, be happy with yourself, don't focus on your own shortcomings or inadequacies. They'll only bring you down.

Ain't nobody perfect, and too much self-examination becomes compulsive and destructive.
At some point you gotta say F*** it, I'm cool.

It's a self-preservation thing.

Wayne, I'm glad you're making progress moving forward. Anything in the positive direction is definitely worthwhile.

However... dude, you are really beating yourself up over this. I get that people have different levels of introspection, and the need to "figure things out" before moving on, but at some point, you just gotta click your heels together and say to yourself, "Today is the first day of the rest of my life!".

I'm one of those lucky people who wakes up as a new man each and every day. Is that good or bad? I have no idea. I do know that I choose to spend every remaining day I have looking at the world thru the eyes of a young boy, rather than a jaded old guy with a ton of baggage.

For sure, if my wife left me, or I found out she was having an affair, I would be completely destroyed. I would mourn, and think of all the "what ifs" for awhile, but then reason would take over and I would move on. Like flipping a switch.

At your age, you've probably learned about all you're going to learn. You are the person you are... not much that can be done to change you. Endless introspection isn't going to change anything. Stop focusing on blame. It doesn't matter. Her fault, your fault, it doesn't matter. Focus on building good relationships with her and your kids and move on.

My (probably worthless) $0.02 that you didn't ask for :)

i'm with Motion on this one.

i never been divorced, but i have been dumped plenty of times. pale comparison, but not if you distill it down to, someone doesn't like/love me anymore. it's that plain and simple to me. i used to mentally try to drill down into the situation to see where it all went wrong. i obsessed over it.

eff that...that never helps. we get one life to live.

if my wife blew up my life..i would be so sad, but then..like all things, this to shall pass. let the **** pass. all my divorced friends..in the long run, they miss the things they lost in the divorce more than the wife. (like half their pensions)

^^^^^ What Richard & Cliff said. I also agree you have to move on & let it go. One of the things I learned in life was that people change and you have to accept and respect that, even if it hurts. You can potentially change too and not be the same person you were in a relationship, work environment, life, etc. You can never recapture what has been after it's gone, so you have to put yourself and your life first, let it all go and move on as a new person. Take what opportunities life offers and build on them.

motion hit the nail on the head. After myself being married for 42 yrs, yes, I am a lucky guy but if things were different, I would not be sad because I have always lived for the moment and today would be just another day to do back flips.

Life is precious, enjoy every minute, now is the only time you own, place no faith in time for the clock may soon be still. Find yourself hoping and you never reach your destination.

Yep... life's too short. You can't drive the car staring in the rear view mirror.

I was very active in a social divorce support group. I was shocked that there are people who have been legally divorced for 3-5 years who are still very sad and bitter. I just don't get it.

Based on the last few responses I think some have the wrong idea of wh I posted

My update was about progress over the last year, not stuck in the past

Sure in July just before I left on my trip to the Arctic Ocean, I backslid a bit when she made a play for me and I shut her down. I second guessed that but did it based on a pattern I recognized of go away come back, and on my trip I did have self doubt and replayed and questioned my own role, but on the trip motion put it into perspective and snapped that internal loop I was stuck in by pointing out she probably wanted her cake and eat it too

That perspective helped immensely

But having said that, this update was about progress

Step 1 was a long time ago

I’m at step 5
With a admittedly a toe still a bit stuck in step 4
But that natural with the loss of my dog and my annual evaluation of my financial situation as the new year approaches

If there is any rear view mirror looking, it’s to be clear to myself on how I let this all happen without seeing it coming or taking control sooner, with a eye to preventing a repeat situation

So here is to progress