I've got a stalker what do I do ?

[legion]

There is a high likelihood law enforcement will eventually be involved in this situation. Crazy women know how to manipulate men (like most police officers). Crazy women know that cops know that most domestic abuse victims are women and most abusers are men. One phone call, a scratch on her neck, and a tearful interview are all that stands between Fred and a ruined life. As such, he must be VERY careful.

When dealing with a crazy person, a gentle let down that finally sinks in is just as dangerous as telling them to f*** off. Either can result in the phone call I mentioned above. Trying to guess how a crazy person will react is a fool's errand. Instead, his behavior should be modeled after how a reasonable police officer would react.

The first truism for dealing with the police is that they usually believe the first person who calls them. This is because victims call to report crimes. As such, Fred needs to be the first to contact the police. Otherwise he's just a scumbag abuser cheating on his wife and making excuses as far as law enforcement is concerned. This is why I suggested setting a deadline for the behavior to end. If he waits for escalation, it will probably be way too late.

[stomachmonkey]

Originally Posted by legion

The first truism for dealing with the police is that they usually believe the first person who calls them. This is because victims call to report crimes. As such, Fred needs to be the first to contact the police. Otherwise he's just a scumbag abuser cheating on his wife and making excuses as far as law enforcement is concerned. This is why I suggested setting a deadline for the behavior to end. If he waits for escalation, it will probably be way too late.

Uhmmm, yup!

[Sooner or later]

Originally Posted by legion

There is a high likelihood law enforcement will eventually be involved in this situation. Crazy women know how to manipulate men (like most police officers). Crazy women know that cops know that most domestic abuse victims are women and most abusers are men. One phone call, a scratch on her neck, and a tearful interview are all that stands between Fred and a ruined life. As such, he must be VERY careful.

When dealing with a crazy person, a gentle let down that finally sinks in is just as dangerous as telling them to f*** off. Either can result in the phone call I mentioned above. Trying to guess how a crazy person will react is a fool's errand. Instead, his behavior should be modeled after how a reasonable police officer would react.

The first truism for dealing with the police is that they usually believe the first person who calls them. This is because victims call to report crimes. As such, Fred needs to be the first to contact the police. Otherwise he's just a scumbag abuser cheating on his wife and making excuses as far as law enforcement is concerned. This is why I suggested setting a deadline for the behavior to end. If he waits for escalation, it will probably be way too late.

I pretty much agree. It looks even worse if the wife doesn't know.

[911 Rod]

Sucks to be you....that's all I got.

[Seahawk]

Originally Posted by Baz

Do NOT tell your wife!

I can't believe everyone advising you to tell your wife. If you do that - you will NEVER hear the end of it.....

With all respect, you have never been married...the only way he will never hear the end of it is if he doesn't tell the Mrs.

This has happened to me a few times - one occurrence very recently...and no, not some young hottie, an age appropriate woman (they can be very forward) near my advanced age.

Told my wife. She said: "Fix it. Remember, I get half."

[Baz]

Originally Posted by Seahawk

With all respect, you have never been married...the only way he will never hear the end of it is if he doesn't.

This has happened to me a few times - one occurrence very recently...and no, not some young hottie, an age appropriate woman (they can be very forward) near my advanced age.

Told my wife. She said: "Fix it. Remember, I get half."

Yes, I have been married.

[stomachmonkey]

Originally Posted by Baz

Do NOT tell your wife!

My advice, Fred, is to totally ignore her.

Do not return texts, calls, or converse with her on any level.

Eventually she will get the picture and things will get back to normal.

I can't believe everyone advising you to tell your wife. If you do that - you will NEVER hear the end of it.....

Sorry, this is very bad advice.

The likelihood that the wife finds out is very high.

Telling a crazy person "I'm married, go away" is essentially challenging them to correct that situation, they think "oh, if he's NOT married that's my in" and it's game on.

When this eventually becomes public all Fred will have done is lied to his wife.

Lack of trust is a very bad thing for a marriage.

Woman perceive lying the same as cheating.

[Seahawk]

Originally Posted by Baz

Yes, I have been married.

Maybe you should have told her

I kid. My advice is based on my relationship, what has worked.

Best I can do.

[Zeke]

I think calling the police is premature. This is not yet any kind of crime and therefore out of their reach. If this was out in the open, threats of violence, disturbing the neighborhood, then that's the line that needs to be crossed for police involvement. They need to perceive a crime or a crime in the making.

Chances we don't know the whole backstory here. When did this woman become a 'stalker'? Is that after a 2nd text, or what? How does one send a few to several texts w/o any response? If it were me and no response from anyone, I'd assume I had a wrong number. How did she get his phone no. anyway?

Just too many questions and that's why I made light of this from the get go. And really, I don't want to hear the whole story. Enough advice has been given here. Fred, pick one and move on. You have some drama of one sort or another going on all the time. Some here are like that.

[RANDY P]

Come home

-boiled rabbit on the stove.

Run like hell.

rjp

EDIT: Other solution - tell her it's really small.

rjp

[Baz]

Originally Posted by stomachmonkey

-snip-

Telling a crazy person "I'm married, go away" is essentially challenging them to correct that situation, they think "oh, if he's NOT married that's my in" and it's game on.

-snip-

I agree. Which I why I said:

My advice, Fred, is to totally ignore her.

Do not return texts, calls, or converse with her on any level.

[Sooner or later]

The First Steps in Dealing with Your Stalker


Never react to or communicate with the stalker. However, ignoring the harassment will not necessarily cause the stalker to stop. The sooner action is taken, be it police caution or warning, solicitor's letter or arrest, the more chance it has of stopping it. Research has shown that those stalkers who are allowed to carry on are less likely to stop easily.

Do not respond. Never agree to meet with your stalker or communicate with them in any way! It could put you in danger and may weaken any prosecution case against your stalker simply because you have co-operated with them.

Contact the local police. Do this quickly and ask for the name of the officer in charge of the case and record the crime reference number.

Inform. Ensure family, friends, neighbours and colleagues are aware of what is happening. They can also keep a record of sightings and suspicious incidents for you, as well as supporting and protecting you.

Improve personal safety. Carry a mobile phone with you as well as a personal attack alarm - it will help you feel more comfortable when you go out. Rely on your instinct. If you ever feel in imminent danger, do not hesitate to call 999. Consider improvements to your home security.

[Baz]

Originally Posted by stomachmonkey

-snip-

Lack of trust is a very bad thing for a marriage.

Woman perceive lying the same as cheating.

I never advised Fred to lie.

Trust means being TRUE to your spouse.

Not ruining HER life by giving her information that is of little value.

At this point - there's no reason she should know about any of this.

Telling her equates to running home to mommy to tell her about some school yard bully who is calling you names.

Not exactly apples to apples but the point is - do you want your mommy to bail you out - or can you handle it yourself - like a real man.


You married guys - do whatever you need to.

I'm just giving my opinion and advice - as someone with his balls still intact!

[herr_oberst]

Originally Posted by Seahawk

Told my wife. She said: "Fix it."

Absolutely. Cut and dried. This thread should be a cautionary tale, with this answer as the gold standard for how to move forward.

[Clint Lando]

Use pepper spray

[Sooner or later]

Legion, are you stalking? Should I tell the police mods? Do I tell the wife?

What do you have to say?

[wayner]

Come in from outside and on your way to washing your hands for dinner:
-that crazy woman from next door just drove by and whistled at me for the third time. Whats for dinner?

[stomachmonkey]

Originally Posted by Baz

I never advised Fred to lie.

Trust means being TRUE to your spouse.

Not ruining HER life by giving her information that is of little value.

At this point - there's no reason she should know about any of this.

Telling her equates to running home to mommy to tell her about some school yard bully who is calling you names.

Not exactly apples to apples but the point is - do you want your mommy to bail you out - or can you handle it yourself - like a real man.


You married guys - do whatever you need to.

I'm just giving my opinion and advice - as someone with his balls still intact!

No one said you are telling Fred to lie.

It's not about Freds actions it's about his wifes perception of his actions.

Woman perceive witholding information the same as lying.

If Fred can't tell his wife about this his marriage has bigger problems.

[pwd72s]

No advice...just thankful for the (mostly) non eventful life I've had.

[legion]

Originally Posted by Sooner or later

Legion, are you stalking? Should I tell the police mods? Do I tell the wife?

What do you have to say?

Internet is misbehaving today. I'd hit the button to post and it would look like I hadn't posted.