My Dad… Again

[unclebilly]

My dad had yet another fall 2 weeks ago. This one was a good one where he hit his head pretty good and was bleeding from a head wound. It appears that he went outside, tried to drive to the hospital but fell again in the rain. He then went in, laid on the couch (blood), and eventually decided to change where he fell again and couldn’t get up.

He was naked when the paramedics got there and his sugars were over 18.5.

He was admitted to the hospital and after the first day decided he was leaving, in his mind he had been there 3 days.

I convinced him to spend the night as my bro and I mobilized to head out there (700 miles away).

Dad did check out of the hospital against the doctors advice (had to sign the form) and my brother took him home.

Dad had not been taking his meds since June. He checks his sugars once a month and thinks 10-12 is ‘normal for him’ and doesn’t give himself insulin. He also was in the habit of going to Tim Hortons for a donut every day. Twice he put on a big tantrum about having a treat while I was there…

In the past 2 weeks, we got home support coming in 3 times ago to ensure he takes his meds, got Meals on Wheels bringing him appropriate food for a diabetic, got a social worker helping with ensuring he gets exercise and a visit a few times per week, got him a life line, had a cognitive assessment, got a POA in place, and a bunch of other stuff.

The issue is that dad doesn’t think his diabetes is a problem, refuses to take any of this seriously, refuses to admit that perhaps he should hang up his car keys, and thinks he is going to ‘get better’ and go on a holiday to Mexico or SE Asia.

He won’t have the convo about assisted living, won’t discuss the car accidents he has had recently, and won’t discuss next steps for his situation.

I’m sure some of you have had to deal with similar circumstances. How have you dealt with a parent that won’t let you help them? I am certain that within a month, he will have undone everything that my brother and I put in place and then it’s just a matter of time before the next wreck.

[Norm K]

Tough times, Billy. I don't envy you.

There often comes the time when the child has to become the parent and take whatever steps necessary, difficult though it may be, to ensure the well-being of their loved one who can no longer ensure it themselves.

I was fortunate, in that both of my parents, when I stepped up and stepped in, acquiesced without a tremendous amount of push-back. Had there been more resistance I'd like to think I would've had the strength and resolve to push past it and do what my gut, heart and mind all told me was the right thing.

Sibling support - or a minimum, a lack of sibling interference - can offer a lot of relief as well.

All my best in these challenging times.

_

[jhynesrockmtn]

I am moving my Mom to memory care next week. Her delusions have become pretty extreme. People stealing from her, trying to get her assisted living apartment, etc.

I wish you well. Caring for my 3 year old Grandson is easier. I can reason with him.......

[LWJ]

Ugg. I don’t look forward to this. Good luck.

[sc_rufctr]

That all sounds very difficult. I'm going through the early stages of this with my mother. The short version of a long story, every now and again there's a new dent in her car. I ask her about it and she just shrugs her shoulders. She's 83 and I've had no luck getting her car keys away from her but she does take her medication.

The only thing you can do is your best. At some point your dad will accept his situation.

How old is your father?

[HardDrive]

My dad is 77. Still does triathlon and gravel roads races. He’s been in some horrible crashes. Insists on driving everywhere. Did I mention he’s blind in one eye, and has a cataract in the ‘good’ eye that he won’t get fixed? 100% not interested in planning out any sort of future state. Very frustrating.

[pwd72s]

Parent's revenge...living long enough to be a problem for your kids. I'm 78 in 2 days...and seriously, hope I die before that happens.

My sympathy to you currently dealing with it. Sadly, there are no easy solutions.

[SCadaddle]

Been there, done all that, lost my Dad, two of my sisters to cancer, and one of my deceased sister's son (my nephew) to an O.D. all in the span of 13 months. Resolution of 3 intertwined estates took another 3 years wasted time and money on attorneys and I suffered 2 heart attacks. But I did find out just exactly who my remaining 2 siblings were, and they certainly weren't who I thought they were. Get ready. Buckle up.


Tip #1: You'd probably never think about it, but a simple Urinary Tract Infection (UTI) in the elderly will lead them to act irrational and goofy. So you rule that out first.

Tip #2: At least as of 4 or 5 years ago, the medicare system worked as thus: IF something winds them up in the hospital, make damn sure they are officially "admitted" and not just there "under observation". IF they can remain admitted to the hospital for at least 3 days and 3 nights (double check me on that), then they would qualify to be discharged to a "swing bed rehab". Now you get to ask around and find out which of the places you do NOT want your parent to wind up in, but rather the pick of the litter from the knowledge of people in the community that have been through this. The social worker at the hospital will probably provide you with a list of places to choose, and ask you to mark them as choice #1, #2, #3 etc. and they will make the calls to see if there is a bed/room available. DO NOT LET THEM RUSH YOU INTO A DECISION! Physically GO to the places that people you trust suggest and meet the staff, take a walk around, for God's sake use your NOSE and then make your choice of where to get discharged to. And if they don't have a bed available, we'll just stay here in the hospital until they do. This will typically get you 30 days of room and board with rehab therapy. 30 days to figure out your next move. I think after 90 days of "wellness" you can go back to the swing bed IF they wind up in the hospital again for the minimum 3 days-3 nights. There is a fixed number of days one can spend in the swing bed system per year, and you'd be working against the balance of those days. I don't remember now just how many days that was/is but the first 30 are pretty much a given. Now, when it comes to the "rehab", the ticket is to show improvement over the course of the stay. My Dad at age 96 walked 400 feet with his walker on the first day in. I told him that wasn't too bright! IF the rehab activity is painful or uncomfortable, DO NOT let your parent/whoever tell the therapist "That is too difficult, is painful and I'm not going to do it!" They'll kick you out for this! So, the better approach is "That is too difficult, is painful, can we try something else?". The therapist will change things up and therapy will continue until the therapist thinks you've peaked out on what you can do, which first time around happens on about oh, day 30.

I wouldn't wish what you are about to embark upon to my worst enemy, if I even had one. Good luck, I'll check back into this thread as it goes.

[oldE]

Some might remember a couple of months back my post about the MIL having a mini stroke which landed her in the hospital for two weeks. Before the strokes, she was not on top of her blood sugars. In fact we had been trying to get her in to see her doc about her multiple falls and a heating pad burn on her lower back which she had hidden from everyone. She had also been resisting the idea of home care. Turns out her blood chemistry was way out of wack. Very low in magnesium.
My wife is amazing. She had been looking into home care before the strokes. When we heard from the hospital the MIL was being released that day, my wife managed to pull together all the threads and have a home care worker in the house when Mom got home.
The good news: The driving issue had been settled the year before, as nerve damage was keeping her from pressing the clutch (Yes, my MIL was rocking a manual shift when she turned 90!)
Also, the strokes made her realize if she wanted to stay in her own home as long as possible, she would have to accept this level of home care. She is on the lists for three care homes within 50 km, but because of Care Worker shortages (partially related to Covid) there have been no new admissions. She has accepted she will have to go when there is room and leave the house which has been her home for 75 years.
Personally, I would advise you to disable your Dad's car. It is drastic and possible illegal. Who has power of attorney? Is there one? How about a living will? My MIL when she was her practical, rational self a few years back told her Doc she wanted a DNR order. There is a copy on her fridge. Apparently, that's where the EMTs look for one.
We were lucky. I can see my in-law's house from our yard. I can't imagine dealing with the distance too.

Best
Les

[upsscott]

Originally Posted by unclebilly

My dad had yet another fall 2 weeks ago. This one was a good one where he hit his head pretty good and was bleeding from a head wound. It appears that he went outside, tried to drive to the hospital but fell again in the rain. He then went in, laid on the couch (blood), and eventually decided to change where he fell again and couldn’t get up.

He was naked when the paramedics got there and his sugars were over 18.5.

He was admitted to the hospital and after the first day decided he was leaving, in his mind he had been there 3 days.

I convinced him to spend the night as my bro and I mobilized to head out there (700 miles away).

Dad did check out of the hospital against the doctors advice (had to sign the form) and my brother took him home.

Dad had not been taking his meds since June. He checks his sugars once a month and thinks 10-12 is ‘normal for him’ and doesn’t give himself insulin. He also was in the habit of going to Tim Hortons for a donut every day. Twice he put on a big tantrum about having a treat while I was there…

In the past 2 weeks, we got home support coming in 3 times ago to ensure he takes his meds, got Meals on Wheels bringing him appropriate food for a diabetic, got a social worker helping with ensuring he gets exercise and a visit a few times per week, got him a life line, had a cognitive assessment, got a POA in place, and a bunch of other stuff.

The issue is that dad doesn’t think his diabetes is a problem, refuses to take any of this seriously, refuses to admit that perhaps he should hang up his car keys, and thinks he is going to ‘get better’ and go on a holiday to Mexico or SE Asia.

He won’t have the convo about assisted living, won’t discuss the car accidents he has had recently, and won’t discuss next steps for his situation.

I’m sure some of you have had to deal with similar circumstances. How have you dealt with a parent that won’t let you help them? I am certain that within a month, he will have undone everything that my brother and I put in place and then it’s just a matter of time before the next wreck.

We had to move my mother into memory care early in 2020. Worst timing ever with the pandemic and all. She passed away in January of this year. It’s a hard thing and I hope your dad will allow you to help him at some point.

[ckelly78z]

We are currently going through all the prep work to get my FIL home from a local nursing home today, where he went after having covid in the hospital. He has lost 50# (down to 137#), and unable to do anything for himself.

Truly stressful times, and tiring as hell !

[KevinTodd]

This sounds all too familiar, as my brother and I experienced many of the same situations with our dad in his last few years. He was wildly stubborn until the end, and I don't know why we expected any different; since he had been that way all his life. The falls, the close-call hospital stays. The firing of every NA we sent in to help him.

He did finally accept that he could no longer drive after having a thankfully very minor accident where he tapped the vehicle in front of him at a traffic light. It was so embarrassing for him that he simply decided he wouldn't do it anymore.

He was adamant about not leaving his home. He told me that the only way he would ever do that is feet-first, and that is exactly how it went four days after his 98th birthday. He had just seen his entire family for that event, and had eaten well, laughed a lot, and had 17 year-old bourbon before noon.

I'll tell you this: spend as much time with him as you possibly can. Talk to him on the phone if it isn't possible to be there. You will not regret it. Yesterday would have been my folks' 82nd anniversary---it is so hard to believe.

Best of luck to you with your dad.

[Sooner or later]

I feel for ya. Went through the same with both my parents at the same time. At first sign of decline do everything you can to get their finances and medical in line. We waited too late. Good luck.

[Chocaholic]

The end of life sucks for all involved. Lost both parents recently (a year apart) with similar challenges...although not identical.

I have no words of wisdom to share. But can sympathize with the sleepless nights, fear of late night phone calls, frustration and tears. It changed me as a person and not for the better. Optimism about long life is badly bruised. I suspect you’re heading down that same road.

Wishing you strength and good judgement.

[pavulon]

Originally Posted by pwd72s

Parent's revenge...living long enough to be a problem for your kids. I'm 78 in 2 days...and seriously, hope I die before that happens.

It could be a tough 2 days but jeepers!

[recycled sixtie]

Sorry to hear about your dad UB. My mother was really good and went into various assisted living homes willingly before she passed age 94. Now my father in law was totally different.

He wanted to move in with us and I said if he moves in then I leave. My wife relented and we found the Grandview which is basically a large complex of old folks with nurses in attendance. The top floor had a lock on the elevator and doors. My fil did not need that fortunately.

Now in the case of your dad he should not be driving. He obviously needs help and you and your brother should get him into a home where he cannot hurt himself or anybody else. Also needs assistance with his meds.

Perhaps get him assessed by a doctor to see where he should be? My deceased fil used to be of an era where three generations lived together. I don't know if you want that? Either that or in a "Grandview" type home.

Good luck and be assertive!

[recycled sixtie]

Originally Posted by pavulon

It could be a tough 2 days but jeepers!

Laugh of the day!

[masraum]

I don't have any advice. Fortunately, I haven't had to deal with that. I can imagine that it must be really difficult on many levels. Good luck. Prayers for your dad and you and your brother to get this worked out.

[rfuerst911sc]

First I would say to the OP is DO NOT feel guilty if you can't turn the situation around . Do your best to take care of your dad and you have some tough discussions ahead . All you can do is discuss with your dad your concerns over recent events . Get medical professionals involved to assist with a path forward that works for all .

If your dad is the kind of guy that wants to die in his own home I get it . So make him as comfortable and safe as you can . Stress that you are concerned for his well being . If after all that if he still is stubborn about his health care you may have to step back . I wish you the best on this journey.

[Seahawk]

Originally Posted by Sooner or later

I feel for ya. Went through the same with both my parents at the same time. At first sign of decline do everything you can to get their finances and medical in line. We waited too late. Good luck.

My condolences, Billy.

The above cannot be overstated. My wife is her mothers legal guardian for all matters, which has been critical in keeping my MIL solvent and moving in the best direction possible for her mental and physical health.

The State of Maryland does a very good job in requiring financial reporting metrics for legal guardians...not really required in my wife's case, but it provides a measure of insight for my wife's brother that he is not being cheated.

Again, my best: I would certainly heed Sooners advice.