Death Is A Part Of Life

[HobieMarty]

I keep telling myself this but it just doesn't make it any easier to deal with.
On October 17th last year, my stepfather Charlie was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. October 17th is Charlie's birthday, hell of a birthday present to find out you have stage 4 inoperable cancer. For several months he went through chemo treatments and a few weeks ago he had a check up and the chemo hasn't really slowed anything down and he decided to not undergo any more treatments. As difficult it is to accept, I respect his decision.
Hospice comes twice a week and meds are administered daily to manage the pain. Two days ago he was in a lot of pain and his meds were increased or changed, not really sure. Mom does all that she can and now a sitter is there at night to help. I talked to Charlie yesterday on the phone and he sounded good but he sounded groggy from the meds, he was and is always in good spirits and just says this is a part of life. Mom said that today he slept a lot, drank some water but hasn't really wanted anything to eat. I know that he won't be with us much longer.
I am going to visit him and Mom this Thursday and I am supposed to leave for Korea for a week this Saturday and I really don't feel good about leaving but Charlie has insisted that I go on this trip!!! Ugh, I am so sick of death but like it has been said, it is just a part of life.

Be well everyone.

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[jyl]

My wife is a “death doula”, which is like a birth doula, but at the other end of life. She has helped about 15 persons and their families cope with the dying process with as much comfort and peace as possible. I don’t know anyone who has seen so many people take the final trip. She tells me that people often choose their time to go. After they’ve seen an important loved one, is not uncommon. Also it is common for a dying person to have one last day when they feel better and have some energy. A friend of ours is in hospice now, showing all the signs of imminent death. His son arrived from Brazil yesterday, and after Dick sees his son, he will probably go. Not making any real point here. Dying is part of life, a solemn and profound part, we do everything we can to make our loved ones’ last trip comfortable and caring, and then we don’t forget them.

[Noah930]

Sorry for what you and your family are going through, Marty.

I think in American culture, we generally want our loved ones to enjoy their lives. And even in our own personal illness (and death), don't want to burden them or hold them back from living their lives. So while it's human nature to do so, don't feel bad about taking your planned trip overseas. I don't know your stepfather, but I'm guessing it's what he would truly want you to do

[bickyd]

Anyone who has been where Charlie is, just wants you to enjoy your life. They get it. Don't waste your time , your understanding will come at its own time. I will have a drink for you Charlie. respect Sir.

[cstreit]

I’ve had the occasion to speak to people “this close” to the end. In all cases they had made peace with it. I think most of our struggle with it is for us, and for what we think they may be feeling. Tough to let go of those thoughts, but when they’re ready, I think there is often peace and acceptance. The rest of us going on have to find solace in that.

[Bill Douglas]

Tough times. My heart goes out to you.

[pwd72s]

No right or wrong way to grieve...remember that. I hope Charlie's pain is being managed well...

[thingmon]

Just went to a celebration of life for my BIL today. Pay respects to the close relatives. Few things are worth a family rift.

Dave

[KFC911]

Originally Posted by Bill Douglas

Tough times. My heart goes out to you.

This! Hang tough Marty .... it is "the circle of life", but that doesn't make it any easier. My former long time gf was a nurse in a Hospice care facility .... she had stories ... lots of stories. I could not do what she did ...

Best to you Charlie .... and those who care... like Marty.

[jcommin]

My father was a very stoic person. He had the mindset of getting on with life and not worrying about him The last year of his life difficult. My wife was pregnant and my mom was struggling with dementia. Honestly, I didn't know who to take care of first.
He spent the last 6 months in a nursing home and every time I would come to visit him, he reminded me, he was ok, no need to be here, take care of your mother and your family. Do not fight with your brother because nothing it worth fighting over.
Before he passed on, I had great closure. I really admired his strength and wisdom.

Marty, I have experienced what you are going thru. Be strong.

[Sooner or later]

Be strong. Charlie is.

[rfuerst911sc]

It's never easy going through end of life for all involved . Be supportive and listen . Do what you can . And realize there is no right or wrong way to grieve but it's a process everyone has to go through . I wish you and family the best for the tough road you are on .

[HobieMarty]

Thank you for all the comments and support guys, I truly appreciate it.

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[jhynesrockmtn]

Be well. Charlie must be a great guy and seems to be handling this with an amazing amount of grace. More worried for others than he is for himself.

[masraum]

My thoughts and prayers with Charlie and his friends and family.

It sounds like it's time and Charlie is just about ready. Hopefully, it doesn't drag on too long and he's able to be relatively comfortable. It's hard for us to let go.

[VINMAN]

Originally Posted by rfuerst911sc

It's never easy going through end of life for all involved . Be supportive and listen . Do what you can . And realize there is no right or wrong way to grieve but it's a process everyone has to go through .

Very well put.

In 2002, I lost my first wife after a 2 yr cancer battle. They initially thought they had it but, it came back and took off. One morning on the way to one of her chemo treatments, she told me get off the next exit and make a u turn and head back home. Said she was done. Wasn't doing it anymore. Knew she was dying and just wanted to go on her own terms. Of course myself and the kids were furious, but there was no arguing with her. My daughter wouldn't have it. Told her she was being selfish, etc, etc...
After a day of my head spinning, I realized she was right. It was her decision to make. Nobody else's. A week and a half later she passed away at home, where she wanted.

Then for the next month, I sat with my brother everyday while he went through the same thing. On his terms, how he wanted. Lost him 5 weeks later.

Hang in there Marty.
My thoughts go out to you and your family.

.

[Steve Carlton]

Charlie's grace and acceptance is a lesson for us all.

[HobieMarty]

Thank y'all so much. Charlie has been like a father to me, not just a stepfather. He is an electrical engineer and is also a forensics investigator specializing in electrical fires. He is a very smart man and I have learned a lot from him about how to approach tasks that I would take on. He has always been amazed at how I would fix things myself and how meticulous I am with details when fixing anything, it is why, as he got to where he couldn't do some things at the house, he called me because he knew how I do things. I found this to be the greatest respect someone could pay to another person. I remember working on something at my Sister's house once and in trying to figure out things I asked, "what would Charlie do?" This had my Mom and Sis amused, and my Sis had a hat made for Charlie that has WWCD across the front. He loves that hat.
When my time on this earth is finished, I hope that I can leave on my own terms as well, like Charlie. WWCD!!!

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[astrochex]

It is great that you are there for him, Marty.

I can relate to what you are going through. My parents had very good friends, Tom and Dorothy, that they met through motorcycling. My dad and Tom were best friends. My wife and I knew them because we would spend time with them at family gatherings, wine tastings, and the occasional Super Bowl party. Tom and Dorothy always said my parents adopted them into our family. It hit them hard too, when my father died.

Tom was a decorated Marine who fought in Vietnam. He joined when he was 15 yrs old. Tom started having health issues a little over ten years ago which did not improve as years passed. After we moved to Florida, I would call Tom on a somewhat regular basis, to stay in touch and see how they were doing. I would call him on Veterans Day too, because of his sacrifices for our country. Tom's condition degraded to where he could not walk and was wheelchair bound. Even then, Tom would never complain about his condition, but accepted it and moved on. A lot like Charlie.

I last talked to Tom a week ago Saturday. This past Saturday, Dorothy called me and told me that Tom's condition had worsened and that he was also diagnosed with colon cancer. She was not sure how much longer he had. It was not very long because he died yesterday. I will miss Tom too, almost as much as my dad.

Marty, spend as much time as you can with Charlie. Sometimes just being there for someone is what is needed. Stay strong.

[wdfifteen]

Originally Posted by HobieMarty

Thank y'all so much. Charlie has been like a father to me, not just a stepfather. He is an electrical engineer and is also a forensics investigator specializing in electrical fires. He is a very smart man and I have learned a lot from him about how to approach tasks that I would take on. He has always been amazed at how I would fix things myself and how meticulous I am with details when fixing anything, it is why, as he got to where he couldn't do some things at the house, he called me because he knew how I do things. I found this to be the greatest respect someone could pay to another person. I remember working on something at my Sister's house once and in trying to figure out things I asked, "what would Charlie do?" This had my Mom and Sis amused, and my Sis had a hat made for Charlie that has WWCD across the front. He loves that hat.
When my time on this earth is finished, I hope that I can leave on my own terms as well, like Charlie. WWCD!!!

This Says It All. I hope you read this to Charlie.

I can only hope someone could say something similar about me when my time comes.

You're a good man Marty. I'm sorry for what you are going through.