Long time friendship fading. Sucks.

[berettafan]

People change I guess. Maybe I had a part in it too. Very good friend and neighbor for almost 20 years. kids played ball together, ran around the neighborhood. Frequent cookouts/crab feasts/drinking visits. about 4 years ago a new coach came to the HS our kids attended. Before he even had his suitcase unpacked my buddy was inviting him fishing, to cookouts, etc. Why? Because the guy was supposed to revitalize one of the sports programs and buddies kid is pretty darned talented in that realm. Program doing great, lots of wins, buddies kid gets tons of college offers and all is well. As a coach the guy is fantastic. As a person he's a neanderthal. He is my replacement it seems.

I could go along and get along but I guess I just don't have it in me to pretend to like this guy as a person (again, great coach. coached my kid and I have zero complaints on that part). But having seen the blatant ass kissing that ensued by multiple families including my buddies it just makes me sick to be around it. In retrospect I've seen a few families come and go as paths crossed in sports (always that was the common thread) but ours and one other were a constant. Now more often than not if I get a call or text it's related to spending money on a boat we own together. Three of us used to fish and crab together all the time. I don't recall the last time that happened and any invites feel more like he's checking off a box rather than 'hey let's have some fun together'. Cornhole boards come out and we all played. Then it was 'hey can you get your boards' but no 'which team do you want to be on'. His wife was finally smart enough to get him his own boards to avoid that little bit of awkwardness. I ****ing hate it. Got the invite to crab today but nothing this evening to eat. Neighbor who went with him to crab got the invite to eat. Neighbor texts me 'where are you' I'm like 'hey he didn't tell me'. 'oh he did you must've missed it'. 'Nope, didn't get anything'. Coach is there. That is why I didn't get the invite. My buddy can be pretty oblivious to people's feelings and such but his wife is not. I'm guessing she can tell what my opinion of that relationship is and would rather not have me around to be reminded of that opinion (not that I'd ever voice it to either of them).

Maybe I'm being a whiny ***** with this. We drank too much so maybe this is a good thing. Maybe it's time to move on and grow up. I had a fantastic time with this guy for so many years. Closest friend I ever had really. But I also saw another buddy of his get left out because nobody liked the guy's wife. Questions avoided, texts 'missed', delayed responses, etc. When you don't get the call it's not an accident.

So that's my ****ty Monday story. It's been a long time brewing in my mind and I figure I might as well get it out before it stresses me into bad health or something. I think most folks would fake it with the new guy and just be fine but I'm frankly tired of being treated like a business partner in a boat or a yard games equipment supplier or a hired hand for crabbing so the latest and greatest can eat crabs. My buddy is a good guy, he really is, and maybe I've ****ed up in thinking and typing all this but dammit I can only ignore what I truly believe for so long.

Hope you all are having a better Monday than me. I should've been enjoying the low humidity and nice breeze on a patio with a 12 pack and bushel of crabs tonight instead of whining like a high school girl. And yet here I am. If this is what self respect is I'm not terribly thrilled with it. if it is just stupidity and selfishness well I am fairly practiced in that and shouldn't be surprised. Either way I'm glad you guys are here to listen (or at least skim a few sentences and tell me to quit being stupid).

[rfuerst911sc]

People do change for lots of reasons . Only you can determine if this friendship is worth saving . Maybe have a sit down with your friend and have a good conversation , put it all on the table . Regardless of the outcome shake hands or hug or whatever knowing you did what you could .

[Baz]

Hell....I had to cut a friend loose recently because I finally realized he was more of an ass than any kind of true friend.

Had nothing to do with the stuff like you mentioned.

I just got tired of listening to his dumb ass rants and stupid takes on things.

We've been friends since the mid-70's!

I don't need "friends" like this......

[Bill Douglas]

Life and friendships evolve I guess. Lose some and (hopefully) make some new new friendships.

There was a friend. Then it occurred to me I was doing him endless favours. I always seemed to be helping him out and whenever I saw him it was because he wanted something. Then finally after many years he said he had a big pile of firewood for me. Big branches off a tree for me to cart away and cut up. He made a big deal about giving them to me (whatever ) Then I went to collect the firewood and he had given it to his daughter instead. Sure it was his daughter but it was is one big chance of doing something for me. So now when I see him I just say "Hi Steve, great to see you."and keep walking.

[gsxrken]

You have indeed experienced a loss, not unlike a divorce in many respects. I’m no psychiatrist but, like I’ve tried to share with divorced friends undergone a loss, I’d say you need to focus on two things. 1. Acceptance. It happened. Work on acceptance of the situation as it is; find peace with the change and try to be glad you had the good times you did. Many never did. 2. Focus on Personal Growth: time to dig back into your own interests and friendships outside of this dynamic, reach out to a new group, (PCA?) and hit the gym. Never hurts to hit the gym. Become the person that you would want to hang out with. Personally, I would never try to discuss this with your friend. I can’t see that fixing anything, and might end things on a weird note instead of fading away naturally as it seems to be doing. Others might strongly disagree, and I’d encourage you to take them into consideration too.

None of that is meant to trivialize your very accurate thread title. Friends are hard to come by, especially as adults and after the kids’ sports aren’t creating venues for relationships to form like yours did. We’re contemplating relocating from NY, and our biggest reservations are around friendships and family ties. So I get it.

[berettafan]

I sincerely appreciate the feedback. Ken your words hit close to the heart. I think you are right no good would come from voicing my complaints and honestly I don't think it's my place to criticize what I perceive to be a shallow forced friendship.

[DWBOX2000]

Sorry to hear. Personally, as simple as it is; I’ve realized recently that it’s best to forgive, be cordial and just move forward. Best of luck with it all, it will get better.

[unclebilly]

I dunno, peopling involves communicating with each other.

If I was you, I’d start by communicating your sentiments. LISTEN to your friend and see what his thoughts are.

Something has changed, you are oblivious to what it is (it’s not just a new guy in the fold). This is an opportunity for personal growth.

Seriously, consider asking why you don’t get invited anymore. LISTEN and don’t be defensive or argue with him. Maybe there was a misunderstanding, distancing yourself without this conversation will further strain whatever friendship that could remain.

[sc_rufctr]

Friends come and go. I don't truly understand why. It's best not to take it personally and move forward.

Meanwhile the years continue to scream by. We don't know how long the people in our lives will be around.

"Count your blessings".

[LWJ]

I won't do this story justice. But I can try. In college, I had a buddy. He lived across the hall from me in my Fraternity. We were good friends. Not besties. But we liked each other. Then his Dad got a cancer diagnosis. My buddy closed up and became a real A hole. To everyone. He was really grieving his father and expressed his grief by being awful. It hurt me. I liked him and I liked our friendship.

At this time, I had what I considered a stupid class. Interpersonal Communication. I had a project to reach out to someone that I wanted to get closer with. It essentially boiled down to makeing an effort to connect a couple times per week. I can't tell you details, it was 35+ years ago. Summary. It worked. All I did was make repeated overtures towards my grieving buddy. Things SLOWLY changed. As in glacial pace. Fast forward a few decades, we are still buds. My wife introduced him to his wife. He has come camping with my family. He is still in my life. It is 100% due to my making the efforts to be a friend to him.

In the OP's case, I am not sure I want to be friends with such a kiss-ass. But that isn't my decision.

Good luck. You are honest in your loss. I like honest people. Be well.

[KFC911]

Sometimes it just happens. One of my (our) best friends for over 30 years started withdrawing from another about 8-9 years ago (but not me .... not yet), and then it became my turn. It hurts .

Your feelings are real and understandable. Some people just change over time...

If my "best friend" calls me .... I'd still do anything for him ... we were closer than brothers for 25 of the 40 years I've known him, but he's almost totally shut down (except for an occasional call). We don't understand why .... but it hurts just the same.

Some things just "are" .... and you just move on.

Good luck!

[flatbutt]

Hey beretta sorry man. I think it comes down to how do you really feel about just walking away without making your feelings known or having your questions answered?

I don't know you up close and personal but I imagine you have it in you to approach your bud calmly and just say "look man something has changed and it has me troubled". Then take it from there all cool and calm without name calling or judgement. At least then you aren't the one that just walked away and you have answers.

[MMARSH]

Hey Berreta,

I really have nothing more to add then what's already been said other then your feelings of loss and hurt are completely valid. It's not whiney and it sucks.

I have alot of acquaintances, but only a handful of people that I truly call friends. I value and depend on them dearly and would be deeply hurt at the loss of their friendship. How you feel is completely understandable.

[Rikao4]

and that's why you have dogs..
at their worst ..
they piss some where you don't like..
myself would enjoy a afternoon with you..
a trebuchet near the water....
loaded with assorted societal flotsam..
pull...
and you ....missed..
let's try again...


Rika

[berettafan]

Guys i cannot overstate how meaningful all of your responses have been. I've read them several times. It surely helps.

Rika my boys got some extra love last night. I think the older dog is particularly tuned into me and he was giving me his doggie hugs (walks between your legs and pushes against one side) quite a bit. Such perfect beings.

[Evans, Marv]

So much great feedbasck here. This place is a real treasure. I've gone through much the same for some while. I'll be 82 in a month or so. I've had a group of friends from high school I've kept in touch with over all the years/decades. I've realized people (it seems), drift away in time into their own worlds - life's priorities change. My best friend of 70 years commented to me a couple of years ago, "I guess we don't have that much to say to each other any more." It was hurtful. I try to justify it by telling myself he has a crappy life with a wife who hates him, is mentally going down hill, and he has no other options available to him, and it's making him bitter and resentful of life in general. At this age, lots of friends have passed on. Many more just drift off into the ether. I tell myself it's change and a normal part of life and to give others the freedom to change as they want.

[berettafan]

It really is Marv. The humanity in this place is extraordinary. Better than i have earned for sure. Maybe there is a lesson in that for me as well.

[speeder]

Timely thread and lots of great responses. I totally get it, friendships and my friends are extremely important to me. I've often stated that it's the only area of my life where I've ever felt like a complete success...I have great friends. Some I don't see very often because of either geographical or lifestyle differences but I know who I consider a friend.

That said, I have personally failed at friendship before and also jettisoned several former friends for various reasons. In recent years, I've let go of a few...one last summer in Minneapolis that was a bummer but I don't regret it. He is someone whose entire family was very close to ours at one time, (parents were friends and neighbors but that entire generation is gone), he and I were close but he has extreme health issues that I have spent a lot of time helping him with, (always willingly). I feel bad for him but the problem is that his issues have made him so unhappy and mean that he takes it out on people around him, including me. He used to be a happy guy and now he's just simmering most of the time...he blew up at me over some minor thing last summer and I walked away knowing that I'm done talking to him. I still care about the guy but need to take care of myself as well. I've cut loose a couple of other people for variations on the same theme though not necessarily physical health issues caused it...sometimes it's mental health. I can only be around well balanced people at this point in life or I'll catch what they've got.

The so-called friend in the OP was never a real friend. The definition of a friend is someone who cares about your well being, period. Not someone who never annoys you or pisses you off or bores you...real friends will do all of those things if you spend enough time with them. I've always been a big believer that you accept people for who they are, warts and all, or cut them loose. That neighbor sounds like he doesn't care about you at all, he just needed someone to hang out with at the time. I know that it's painful but it's not a reflection on you...it's a reflection on him. Some people just aren't very deep.

[Evans, Marv]

Denis, I remember your comments abut your friend when you were up there last time (I think it was the last time you were there).

[Norm K]

Went through the loss of what we long believed to be our dearest friends a couple of years back. As families, we did virtually everything together: Thanksgiving, Christmas, weekends, spent a month together traveling Australia ... everything. Hell, their son lived with us as they dealt with the aftermath of their daughter's attempted suicide (we were at the hospital every day for nearly two months while she began her long road back to a somewhat normal life). We were about as close as two families can be for over fifteen years.

Then we announced our retirement and re-location. Of everyone we knew, literally everyone, including people who were just close acquaintances, this couple were the only ones who didn't wish us well, or even tell us goodbye.

The initial confusion and hurt we experienced has been replaced by pretty much complete ambivalence. I don't wish them any ill, I really just can't spend any time caring.

_