How about a joke thread?

[Zeke]

Wife:

"Since you're going to the drug store, why not pick up something that will make you hard."

Husband:

"Sure thing." (He gets back and hand HER the pills.)

"Hey, these are diet pills!"

"Exactly."

[steveo12345]

A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

[deckard]

a young man and his new girlfriend are getting hot and heavy
on the couch when he wants to go further.
"come on," he says, "let's do it."
"no. i don't want to - not yet."
"come on, please." he pleads.
another no.
"okay, i'll tell you what. how about if i put in only the tip?"
"only the tip?" she says.
"yeah, i promise. just the tip and that's it."
"we'll if you promise that that's how you want to do it then that should be okay."
so off they go and things are progressing rapidly when
he can't help himself as it just feels too good and so he puts it all the way in.
he's all the way in now and she says, "oh god that feels great!
just go ahead and put it all the way in."
panicked pause.
then - "oh no no," he says quickly,
"a promise is a promise."

[Bill Douglas]

Guy say to girl lets go back to your place. She says no, my mother would be worried. He says OK, we'll go back to my place instead and let my mother do all the worrying.

[astrochex]

A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work and orders a drink. As he sits there, mulling over his day, he hears a high-pitched voice say "that shirt looks great on you!”

The man looks around, doesn’t see anything, and returns to his drink thinking nothing more of it. But then, a moment later, the voice returns, this time offering “you seem like a really cool guy!”

Again, the man looks around, sees nothing, and returns to his drink, wondering if he should get checked out by a professional. Finally, when his nerves have cooled and he believes the voice is gone, he hears “I bet your parents are really proud of you!”

He slams down his drink and looks around wildly. Frustrated and finding no possible source of the voice, he calls over the bartender. He says “hey barkeep! What’s that voice I keep hearing?" “Oh, those are the peanuts” the bartender replies. “They’re complimentary.”

[Robert Coats]

Single guy goes on a cruise with supermodels. Ship sinks, and he's on an island with with Cindy Crawford. The realize they are stuck, so set up 'house' and things go well for a while, and they live together in sexual bliss for months, until...

Guy: Feeling kinda lonely, Cindy.

Cindy: What wrong?

Guy: Well, I miss hanging out with my guys

Cindy: I can help! I did some acting, so pretend I'm 'one of the guys.'

Guy: Great! Okay, let me start..

Cindy: Okay (ahem) "Hey, how's it hanging?"

Guy: You'll never believe it! Guess who I'm banging!!

[GH85Carrera]

[Robert Coats]

Jesus was walking around Heaven one day. In a small, secluded garden He saw an old man, crying. Alarmed, Jesus ran up to him and said, “Hey, now, what’s all this? This is paradise. There should be no tears or sorrow.”

The old man wiped away his tears and said, “Oh, I know. I’m sorry. But… well, many years ago, a son came to me through… well, let’s say ‘mysterious circumstances’. After many trials he went through a miraculous transformation, and a book was written about him that became known the world over. I thought I would find him here, but I haven’t. I’m afraid I’ll never see him again.”

Wide-eyed, Jesus looked at the man and said, “Wait a minute… You weren’t, by any chance… a carpenter, were you?”

The man looked up in surprise. “Why, yes. Yes, I was!”

Jesus burst into tears of joy and held out His arms saying, “Father!”

The man cocked his head doubtfully and said, “Pinocchio???”

[Robert Coats]

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said-- "Well yeah, if that's what they are--I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

[Baz]

[pwd72s]

^ When SNL was worth watching. Thanks.

[Bill Douglas]

Me: What's wrong?

Him: I can only go to sleep if I lie on a pile of old magazines.

Me: You must have back issues.

[Steve Carlton]

Friend: “What are you doing this weekend?”

Me: “Having a pool party and BBQ for 200 of my closest friends. Why are you doing?”

[Aurel]

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.


"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."

Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.

“And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

[oldE]

My granddaughter asked:
" How do you keep a bull from charging?"

"Unplug him."



Fifty years ago, the answer was,"Take away his credit card." I guess we have to change with the times.

Best
Les

[oldE]

Why did a bear carcass end up in Central Park?

The guy remembered he hadn't paid for carrion when he booked his flight.

Best
Les

[Heel n Toe]

RED SKELTON'S SECRET TO THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"

[Heel n Toe]

The young woman who submitted the tech support message below (about her relationship to her husband) presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself.

The query:

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?
Signed: Desperate


The response (that came weeks later out of the blue)…

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the Tears application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad progrm that will download Snoring Loudly Beta version.
Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.
In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0.

Good Luck
Tech Support

[Bill Douglas]

Guy tried online dating to meet someone nice.

Girl and him had been emailing and messaging for some time and decided to meet up.

Girl: "So obviously we quite like each other. Now for the big question, how many people have you had sex with?"

Guy: "Three or four, probably more like three actually."

Girl: "Me too, it's been quite a slow week."

[oldE]

The "fat cow" cartoon on the cartoon thread reminded me of this true story.
My wife was teaching a lesson in her grade 6 class when a student from another class came to the door and asked,"Mrs.GS, do you have a broom?"
She replied,"Sorry. I drove my car this morning. "
The kid turned away to continue his quest and there were a few chuckles from the class.

Best
Les