How about a joke thread?

[Bill Douglas]

[deckard]

a baby seal walks into a club.

[oldE]

My buddy suggested we go clubbing. I wasn't sure what he meant. Then it hit me.

Best
Les

[Bob Kontak]

Having an outer space party. It's hard to plan it.

[gregpark]

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you
were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

*

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1,000 an inch."

The man perks up. So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

*

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

*

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

*

"Yes" says the man.

*

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

*


"We're getting granite counter tops.”

[Bill Douglas]

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.
’About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ With a big smile, the woman replies, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.

[herr_oberst]

[stealthn]

"I see" said the blind man as he spit into the wind, "it all comes back to me"

[fastfredracing]

@bj_brophy1979

🚩🚩🚩

♬ original sound - Jojofromhouston

[Bill Douglas]

So I was in a shoe shop this morning trying on a shoe, I said to the assistant "It's too tight". She said: "Try it with the tongue out" I said "It'th nho ghood, itth thill thoo thight".

[oldE]

What can you take and have, but you can't give?




You know the answer.

Best
Les

[craigster59]

[GH85Carrera]

After moving to the U.S., a Chinese doctor struggled to find work in a hospital. So, he opened a small clinic with a clever sign out front:
“Treatment for $20 — If not cured, get $100 back!”
One day, an American lawyer saw the sign and thought, “What a scam… but hey, easy money!” He walked in confidently.
Lawyer: “Doctor, I’ve lost my sense of taste.”
Doctor: “Nurse, bring medicine from Box No. 22. Three drops in his mouth.”
Lawyer: “Bleh! That’s kerosene!”
Doctor: “Congratulations — your taste is back. That’ll be $20.”
Annoyed but determined, the lawyer returned a few days later.
Lawyer: “I’ve lost my memory. I can’t remember anything.”
Doctor: “Nurse, Box No. 22 again. Three drops.”
Lawyer: “Wait! That’s kerosene again!”
Doctor: “Wonderful — your memory’s back! That’ll be $20.”
Now thoroughly frustrated, the lawyer made one last attempt to win.
Lawyer: “My eyesight is failing. I can’t see a thing!”
Doctor: “I’m sorry. I don’t have a cure for that. Here’s your $100.”
The doctor handed him a $20 bill.
Lawyer (squinting): “Hey, wait a minute… this is just $20!”
Doctor: “Fantastic! Your eyesight is restored. That’ll be $20.”

[oldE]

Why did the rabbit go to medical school?







He wanted to become an ether bunny.

Happy Easter
Les

[Bill Douglas]

A joke my grandfather told me.

Guys who are bald at the front are great thinkers. Guys who are bald at the back are great lovers. And guys who are bald all over just think they are great lovers.

[CurtEgerer]