How about a joke thread?

[GH85Carrera]

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.

She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them.

Naturally, the guys all agreed.

Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead . But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it; so please, don't try to coach me on how to play my shots."

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first.

All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father's mouth was agape. "That was beautiful," he said.

The blonde put her driver away and said, "I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little."

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.)

The son said, "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly."

The blonde frowned and said, "It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt." She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.

Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.

For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green, for a par.

She turned to the three guys and said, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course.

If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strath Mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night."

The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup."

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. "Don't listen to the kid, darling', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup."

The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, "That's a gimme, sweetheart."

The blonde smiled and said, "Your car or mine?"
REMEMBER . . . OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME

[Baz]

At breakfast a man asked his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?" She replied, "I'd take half and then leave you."

"Great," he said. "I won $12 yesterday. Here's $6. Stay in touch."

[fred cook]

Originally Posted by SRISER

How do we know that the toothbrush was invented in the south?

If it wasn't it would have been called a teethbrush.

Many years ago there was a humorist by the name of Brother Dave Gardner. One of his stories went like this:

"The guys up north all laugh at us here in the south because we are at home in bed by 10:00 at night. That's ok, beloved, they are still out looking for it at 2:00 in the morning!"

[GH85Carrera]

It's All About California.

So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, Arkansas, and "a Florida man," and all Texan jokes, somebody came up with this:

You know you ’ re from California if . . .

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

5. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can't remember . . . . is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can't remember . . . .is pot illegal?

14. It's barely sprinkling rain, and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."

15. You pass an elementary school playground, and the children are all busy with their cell phones.

16. Or it's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????

18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers, and cosmetic surgeons.

19. The Terminator was your governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you’re here illegally, they want to give you one.

[mrbeverlyhills]

21, You add an A or O to the end of an English word and think you speak Spanish.

[Craig T]

Another California joke...

California is SOOO fu@ked up. "How fu@ked up is it?" It's so fu@ked up that I'm moving away in 8 months and never coming back! Oh wait?, that's not a joke.

[sammyg2]

Learning Spanish is easy:

Please is four by four.
See ya later is like the shoes, Adidas.
Merry Christmas is fleas on my dog.

[mrbeverlyhills]

Good night is Boo Way No Chaise

[Crowbob]

‘Keep your hands off my stuff!’ is Nachos! Nachos!

[Evans, Marv]

Originally Posted by mrbeverlyhills

21, You add an A or O to the end of an English word and think you speak Spanish.

A guy is going to Mexico on holiday but doesn't speak Spanish except for some basics like si, no, cerveza, mucho, etc. . He comments about this to his friend who says, "That's no problem, just add an "a" or "o" to the end of an English word and that turns it into a Spanish word." The guy goes into a bar his first night. There is a lady bar tender, and he wants to have some sort of conversation and decides something about the weather is the safest. So he says: "Mucho coolo." The lady behind the bar says, "Si pero no para ti."

[Zeke]

Originally Posted by Evans, Marv

A guy is going to Mexico on holiday but doesn't speak Spanish except for some basics like si, no, cerveza, mucho, etc. . He comments about this to his friend who says, "That's no problem, just add an "a" or "o" to the end of an English word and that turns it into a Spanish word." The guy goes into a bar his first night. There is a lady bar tender, and he wants to have some sort of conversation and decides something about the weather is the safest. So he says: "Mucho coolo." The lady behind the bar says, "Si pero no para ti."

A guy reading your joke but doesn't speak Spanish.

[GH85Carrera]

Originally Posted by Zeke

A guy reading your joke but doesn't speak Spanish.

Yep, I have no idea what the punch line is.

[wswartzwel]

Si pero no para ti. "yes but not for you" google translate

[GH85Carrera]

I refuse to have to Google a punchline to any joke.

[javadog]

Originally Posted by GH85Carrera

Yep, I have no idea what the punch line is.

Culo is Spanish for ass and sounds a lot like coolo...

[stevej37]

So..the man says "much azz" and the lady replies "Not for you"
Is that it?

[Evans, Marv]

Sorry, I should have explained. "Coolo" does mean A$$ or butt. So his comment comes out to say,"A lot of (or ample/good sized) butt." She says, "Yes, but not for you."

[stevej37]

Got it...thanks!
Not much (if any) spanish spoken around here.

[sammyg2]

But can ya speak Ahmeek?

[Evans, Marv]

Sorry again. I live within fifteen or so miles of the border. Even those who practically don't speak Spanish know a little basic. Sometimes I forget it's not as common as it is around here. Although my Spanish isn't nearly as good as it was years ago when I traveled to Mexico & Spain, I still have to resort to using it sometimes.