To my darling husband:

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not to bad and I really didn't get hurt, I am ok. Your motorcycle is ok too, so please don't worry too much.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry but I know with your kind hearted personality you will in your heart find room to forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms and make mad passionate love to you again and again.

Your loving wife.
XXXOOO

PS - the neighbor took a picture of the crash, just for you...



http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1160624093.jpg

Two guys from Minnesota are sittin' in a boat on Mud Lake fishing and suckin' down beers when all of a sudden Mike says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over six months." Harry sips his beer and says, "You better think it over, women like that are hard to find."

************************************************** **************************Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little ****, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?" That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
************************************************** **************************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
************************************************** **************************
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya". "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry. Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned." "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
************************************************** **************************
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" ,She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? “ She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

************************************************** **************************
AND THE BEST FOR LAST
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues
to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."

A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's
one day discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have
the Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We
have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to
advanced mathematics."

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we
built the Roman empire."

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with
what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the
Italians who introduced it to women."

THE 6 BEST SMART ASS ANSWERS OF 2006
 

SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."


SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at t he student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

If she were Asian, her nametag would say "Irene."

Bono is at a U2 concert in Glasgow when he asks the audience for some quiet.
Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone...

"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

Then he went slowly - clap, .... clap, .... clap .....

A voice from near the front pierces the silence...

"Well, f***ing stop clapping then!"

This one might be a repeat . . .

3 Nuns

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

Nymphomaniacs

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business, I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago,"
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at the convention?"
"Lecture," she responded. "I am the lead lecturer where I use information that I have learned from my own personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he said, "and what kinds of myths are there?"
"Well, she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Scottish descent that are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with the absolutely best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto McTavish, but my friends call me Bubba."

Life At Work is like a tree full of monkeys; all on different limbs, at different levels.

Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.

The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but *ssholes.

New telephone greeting:

"GOOD MORNING, WELCOME TO CANADA"

"Press 1 if you speak English."

"Press 2 to disconnect until you can."

A priest, a pastor and a rabbi are sitting around a bar table, laughing their heads off.

The priest, catching his breath and wiping a tear of laughter from his cheek, says...

"wait, wait... I've got one:

...so, this guy, this guy and this other guy walk into a bar..."

It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife are facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes about her false leg. Personally, I think it's prosthetic ... er ... pathetic



News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his wife Heather Mills-McCartney. Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be distraught over the split. "He has been my crutch for so long"! She said in an earlier briefing, "I have no idea why this has happened, I'm really stumped."

"She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, "she will need all the support she can get. It's not like its easy to walk out on a relationship like this"

After his break up with Heather, Paul was asked if he would ever consider going down on one knee again. Paul said he would prefer it if we called her Heather.

It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the marriage. Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world, and if an agreement has been signed it is believed that she won't have a leg to stand on.

Rumours abound over the split which have suggested that infidelity may have been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated, "always trying to get her leg over".

Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the cause. Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said, "he would get home at night and find her legless."

Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present that Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new prosthetic leg for Christmas, but that was just a stocking-filler.

A miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his mate "I'm f--ked, who will want a one legged gold digger?" His mate says "try Paul McCartney."

Finally, a poem by Sir Paul McCartney:

I lay upon a grassy bank

My hands were all a quiver

I slowly removed her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river.

These jokes are funny but lets spare a thought for Paul please. Now she has left him, he's going to struggle to find another woman who can fill her shoe.

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would come in with him and be a witness. Suspecting his wife was having an affair, he intended to catch her inthe act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly, the husband and the cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your Green Bay Packer season tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"

The cabby said, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold."

Why Athletes Can't (Shouldn't) Have Real Jobs

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
"I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all
the kids to copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the
upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, which
ever comes first."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of
the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,
"Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom,
too."

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John
Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

5 Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going
to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (now that is
beautiful).

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up
alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three,
and then line up in a circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why
would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for
three years, not Princeton."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps
a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget
how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime
of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock
in the morning regardless of what time it is."

11. Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining
to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at
practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm
going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room
temperature in January??)

12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told
him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what
he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like
you're spending too much time on one subject."

With winter fast approaching, the engineering question of the day is how to go about converting your dishwasher into a snow blower. It's really quite simple; just hand the bytch a shovel.

Irish Toast
 

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY
KIDS....

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a
beautiful woman wave at him
and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he
can't place where he
knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father
of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has
ever been unfaithful to
his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper
from my bachelor party
that I made love to on the pool table with all my
buddies watching, while
your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm
your son's math
teacher."

:)

Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith.... He's hidin'
Marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how

he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They
search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open
every piece Of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and
leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd.... Did the Sheriff come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep!"

"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

Rednecks know how to Git-R-Dun

When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair, open the package and remove the thermometer.

Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement, "Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested".

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times:

"I am so glad I do not work in thermometer quality control at Johnson&Johnson."

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS WORSE THAN YOURS!!!

Halloween Joke
 

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the **** out of a ghost."

A 6 year old boy and his father are strolling down the street where they live. As they round the corner they come upon two dogs. The larger dog has mounted the smaller one.
The small boy, looking confused, turns to his father and asked; "Daddy, what are those dogs doing?"
The father was struck for how he might explain this to the 6 year old. Finally he smiles and says; "Well son, the dog in the back there has obviously hurt his front paws and his little friend is helping to get back home."
The boy thinks a minute, weighing his fathers words of wisdom. Then he says; "Dogs are a lot like people aren't they daddy?"
"Why do you say that, son?" the father inquires.
The boy grins and says; "Well dad, you try to help out a friend and he screws you right in the a$$!"

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who was eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory," I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations. I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

LOL Jeff...that's a great one! Passed it on to Cindy's cousin, a preacher.

JUST A TAP

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."






--

The perfect Wal-Mart Greeter:

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart .... Nice children you've got there - are they twins?"

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins?........ Do you really think they look alike?"

"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now departed Prince, she happily sat in her rocking chair watching the world go by with her cat Alan. One afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared her Fairy Godmother.

Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?'

The Fairy Godmother replied, 'Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good and wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes.
Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?

Cinderella was overjoyed. 'I wish I was extremely wealthy', she said. Instantly, her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Alan, her cat, jumped off her lap and
ran to the edge of the porch quivering with fear.

'Oh thank you Fairy Godmother,' said Cinderella.

'Is there anything else you might wish for', asked the Fairy Godmother.

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, 'I wish I was young and full of the beauty I once had.' At once, her wish was granted. Cinderella felt feeling inside her that she had not felt for years.

The Fairy Godmother said, 'You have one wish remaining, what shall you have?'

Cinderella looked at her frightened cat in the corner and said, 'I wish you to turn Alan, my old cat, into a handsome young man.'

Magically, Alan suddenly underwent a change and then before them stood a young man with the looks and body that no other man could match.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke 'Congratulations Cinderella. Enjoy your new life,' and with that she was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Cinderella and Alan looked into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat breathless, gazing at the most stunning, perfect man she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella and held her close in his muscular arms. He leant in close to her ear and whispered, 'Bet you regret having my balls chopped off now, don't you?

Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer?

Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.

Sex Survey

5,000 men were asked to complete a survey on what THEY liked best about "Oral Sex":

a.. 3% liked the warmth.

b.. 4% enjoyed the sensation.

c.. 93% appreciated the silence.

The Irish girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."

"What is it, child?"

The girl said, "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake."

Subject: Geography of a Woman......And a Man

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa; half
discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with
fertile soil.

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America; well
developed and open to trade, especially for someone
with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India; very hot,
relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France; gently
aging but still warm, and a desirable place to
visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain;
with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia; lost
the war and haunted by past mistakes.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia; very
wide, and borders are now unpatrolled.

After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with
a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages....only
those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for
spiritual knowledge visit there.

GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iraq, ruled by a dick.

Dear Abby, I've never written to you before, but I really need your
advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time
now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.

My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I
ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't
know them."

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always
walks down the drive, although I can hear a car driving off, as if she
has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a
taxi? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and
she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again
and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep
down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out
again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my Porsche next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Porsche, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the
dealer?

Thanks, Bob

LOVE THE IRISH

At a U2 concert in Ireland Bono asks the audience for some quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.

Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone..."Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice from near the front of the audience pierces the silence... "Fookin stop doing it then!"

I have a friend who is an agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac.


He lays awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.

A guy walks into the welfare office in Detroit, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas ! holiday trips. You will also have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage and the starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bull-*****tin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."

A man goes to visit his old college buddy who's also his doctor to tell him of his decission to divorce his wife of 15 years.
"Why would you do that, I've known you both for so many years and everyone sees you as the perfect couple" the Dr. asks.
The man slumps and says, "that's just it. Everything isn't perfect! No matter how hard we've tried we've never achieved sexually gratification TOGETHER."
"And THAT'S a reason to quit such an ideal marraige after all these years?" the Dr. inquires.
"Life is short and it really bothers us both. It's either her and not me or me and not her or her and her and maybe me... you get the idea."
The Dr. ponders the tale his friend had just revealed to him. "I may be able to help if you'll follow my directions TO THE LETTER" the Dr tells his disrought friend.
I'll try but I doubt anything will help."
The Dr. leans in and says, "On your way home pick up the following items and follow these steps:
Stop at the maul and pick up a good bottle of your favorite wine, a big bunch of her favorite flowers, a Frank Sanatra CD and a starter's pistol. Have your wife send the kids out for the evening and ask her to prepare a light sumpious meal.
When you get home present her with the flowers and enjoy the meal with the bottle of wine together. After dinner put the Sanatra CD on and dance with her until she's caught up in the spell. Carry her up the stairs and lay her on your bed and make love to her. Nothing new, just your usual sex act. When you start to feel your own orgazum rising reach for the starter's pistol (placed on the night stand but out of her sight). As your climax begins reach over for the pistol, raise it over your head and fire it three times as you reach your climax. This will shock her into orgazum and she'll be cured to wait for you everytime after that."
"Really? THAT will actually work?" He asks.
"Everytime" the Dr. declares.
The next day the man is back in his friend's office and very, very upset.
"Hold on, buddy!" the Dr. yells, "What happened?"
The man slowly starts to explain...
"I did EXACTLY what you instructed. I picked up everything at the maul and called her to be ready and to send the kids out to the movies. She was excited to know what I was up to. She prepared a great meal and we drank two bottles of our favorite wine. She loved the flowers and the Sanatra CD really got her in the mood. I caried her up the stairs and laid her on our big bed. I kissed and undressed her and we began our normal sex act. It was really great!
As I felt my climax approaching I reached over for the starter's pistol (without her noticing). As I got right to the brink I raised the pistol, fired three times over my head and...."
"And WHAT?" the anxious Dr. asks.



" She pi$$ed in my face and almost bit my di*k off!!!"

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and
out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow
a breath into a breathalyzer.

''I can't do that, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma
attack if I blow into that tube.''

''Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the
station.''

''Can't do that either, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar
if I pee in a cup.''

''Alright, we could get a blood sample.''

''Can't do that either, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could
die.''

''Fine then, just walk this white line.''

''Can't do that either, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm drunk.''

This young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in a small town in West Texas. He sits at the counter and notices an older cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chili. After about 15 minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do"? The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner answers, "Nah, go ahead”. Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a decomposed dead rat in the chili. The sight is shocking and he immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl. The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too".

Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.

DORMITORY:

When you rearrange the letters:

DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:

When you rearrange the letters:

BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:

When you rearrange the letters:

MOON STARER

DESPERATION:

When you rearrange the letters:

A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:!

When you rearrange the letters:

THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:

When you rearrange the letters:

HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE :

When you rearrange the letters:

HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:

When you rearrange the letters:

CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:

When you rearrange the letters:

IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:

When you rearrange the letters:

LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:

When you rearrange the letters:

ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:

When you rearrange the letters:

IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:

When you rearrange the letters:

THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:

When you rearrange the letters:

TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:

When you rearrange the letters:

WOMAN HITLER

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands!

TAKING A WOMAN TO BED

What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and 78 ?

At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!

At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained ..

"Well, Doc, it's like this --- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help.

She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.

We even called up Arlene, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open."