LETTER FROM A FARM KID, NOW AT MARINE CORPS BASIC TRAINING

Dear Ma and Pa:
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the
Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell
them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs,
bacon, and stuff, but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.

The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is
like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting
medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don' t even load your own cartridges. They come in little metal boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. He joined up the same time as me. But I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Gail

GO MARINES

News Anchor Dan Rather, NPR Reporter Cokie Roberts, and a U.S. Marine were hiking through the desert one day when they were captured by Iraqis. They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the leader.

The leader said, "I am familiar with your western custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and dismember you, do you have any last requests?"

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot, spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job 'til the end. "The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?"

"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.

"What?" asked the leader. "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the Marine.

So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from inside his cammies, and shot the leader dead.

In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, the Iraqis were dead, dying or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying Rather and Roberts, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass?"

"What!?" said the Marine, "And have you liberal *******s call ME the aggressor?!?"

Ted Kennedy has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. I don't know what to do here, " says the devil. "You are on my list but have no room for you." "You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do." "I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Ted thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened the first room: in it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No!" Ted said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long." The devil led him to the next room: in it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Ted. The devil opened a third door. In it, Ted saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Ted looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said........... "OK, Monica, you're free to go!"

Mary and Joseph went to this party in Nazareth, well Joseph had little to much wine that night and got a little drunk. Paul helped Mary throw Joseph up onto the Donkey and go home. The next morning Joseph woke up with this huge huge huge headache. Mary asked "Joseph would you like an Alka Seltzer?" "Yes Please Dear" he responded. Mary then said "Jesus, go get your father a glass of water" Joseph then abrutly said "No Mary, Please, keep the kid away from the water"

Jesus walks into a hotel in Bethlehem, slaps three nails on the counter and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"

(slaps forehead) Ow!

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions.

First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence.....and then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?"

Two carabinieri (Italian police unit, equivalent to Irish or Polish jokes in Italy) are on holiday in Egypt. While on a cruise on the Nile they see a crocodile. One says to the other "I didn't know Lacoste did rivers!"

:rolleyes: :D

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss
them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching
one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut
fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only
pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours
of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they
were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.
After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could
get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then
proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to
blowhard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and
daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was
nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for
something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and
said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going
to be when he grows older?"
The father replied "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law."

A mother was giving her 3 year old son a bath. He looked at his testicles and inquired, "Mommy, are those my brains?"

"Not yet, dear," she replied.

A little boy bursts in on his mother who is taking a bath. She tries to cover up, but it's too late. He points and says "mommy, what's that?" Thinking quickly she says, "that's my sponge."

The little boy thinks for a minute and says, "that makes sense, the other day I saw the maid washing daddy's face with hers."

The Top Forty Things You Will Never Hear A Southern Boy (Redneck) Say

40. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrestling's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C: drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiancée, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
9. Checkmate!
8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
5. I don't have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. You All.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

And, Number ONE is:
1. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin' tonight.

The new teacher at a (very) rural one-room school was getting the children to print their names and some other information on a piece of paper on the first day. As she was reading over the names, she stopped, got an unhappy look on her face and addressed the class:
"This is not appropriate for school. Who wrote 'Wagonwheel Jones' for their name?"
The elder Jones boy raised his hand and said,"That would be me, Maam."
"What is your name?" asked the teacher.
"Wagonwheel, Maam. I was born at home an' my Ma named me for the first thing she saw when she looked outside after I was born"
"I will not be mocked with these rustic stereotypes. Either tell me your name or go home right now and don't come back until you have a note from your parent telling me what your name is."
"But Maam!" protested the boy.
"Out. And not another word!"
As he rises from his seat to go, he turns to his little brother. "Come on Hen****. She's not gonna believe you either."

I did not read all of your jokes, I will get to it later. If someone posted this already- sorry I just heard it myself.

Q: When is it time to go to bed at Michael Jackson's house?

A: When the big hand touches the little hand.

:eek: :eek: :eek:

A Sailor and a Pirate are sitting at a bar next to eachother.

The Pirate has a peg leg, a hook for a hand and an eye patch over one eye. The sailor, noticing all of this asks the pirate about his leg.

The Pirate replies "It was rough seas, I fell overboard and a shark bit off me leg."

Then the Sailor asks about the hook for a hand...

The Pirate replies "We were boarding another vessel and I was in a sword fight with the other vessel's capt'n and he cut off me hand."

The sailor asks about the eye patch...

The Pirate replies "A seagul shat in my eye one day when I was looking up at the sky."

The Sailor is confused, "How could seagull droppings put your eye completely out?"

The Pirate holds up his hook and replies "First day with the hook."

<rimshot>

Re: NEVER SAY TO A COP
 

You wouldnt be so tough if you didnt have that gun or that badge...

Subject: Food worries


Can't eat beef ..mad cow.


Can't eat chicken ...bird flu.


Can't eat eggs .Salmonella.


Can't eat pork ..trichinosis


Can't eat fish ..heavy metals in the waters has poisoned their flesh.


Can't eat fruits and veggies ..insecticides and herbicides.


Hmmmmmmmmm!

I believe that leaves Chocolate!

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could
simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
:D

Fred went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if
you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh."

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over
twenty years I've never laughed at a patient." "Okay then," Fred said,
and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor
has ever seen.

It couldn't have been the size of a peanut. Unable to control himself,
the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes
later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry, “said the doctor. "I really am....I don't know what
came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise
it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Fred replied

A person wrote a letter to the White House complaining about the treatment of a captive Islamic Jihadist. Attached is a copy of a letter they received back:

The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C. 20016

Dear Concerned Citizen:
Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently being held in one of the worst regime prisons in Iraq.

This administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington.
You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like you, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short. In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care.
Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday.
Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of admonishment. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards
of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter.
Ahmed's meal requirements are simple, but we strongly suggest serving meals that do not require utensils, particularly knives and forks. Also, these should be "one-handed" foods; Ahmed will not eat with his left hand since he uses it to wipe himself after purging his bowels (which he will do in your yard) - but look on the bright side...no increase in the toilet paper bill.
He generally bathes quarterly with the change of seasons, assuming that it rains, and he washes his clothes simultaneously. This should help with your water bill. Also, your new friend has a really bad case of body lice that hasn't been completely remedied. Please heed the large orange notice attached to your detainee's cage: "Does not play well with others."
Although Ahmed is sociopathic and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws.

Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. He will bite you, given the chance, but his rabies test came back negative, so not to worry. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil, nail clippers or ten inch knives. We do not suggest that you ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from
common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property. However, he will be eager to assist with the education of your sons; have available for their use several copies of the Koran. Oh - and rest assured he absolutely loves animals, especially cats and dogs. He prefers them roasted, but raw is
fine, too, if they aren't more than 2 or 3 days dead.

Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you, who know so much, keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. We think this watching over each other's shoulder is such a good way for people to interact that we will be sending a team of federal officials with expertise in your line of work to your place of business soon, just to help you do your job better.
Don't be concerned that they have the power to close your business, seize your property, and arrest you for any violation of the 4,850,206 laws, codes, regulations and rules that apply to your profession. They're really there just to make sure you're doing everything the proper way. That is what you wanted, right?

Well, thank you for this opportunity to interact with such a valued member of the citizenry. You take good care of Ahmed - and remember...we'll be watching.

Cordially...Your Buddy,
Donny Rumsfeld

A fellow comes back into the party after going outside for a quiet moment of medicinal herb. When he gets back in, his friends ask him why he is laughing so much.
"Oh Man!", he crows. "Some people just can't handle the stuff you know? I was just out by my car. And Rickey and my old lady were in the back? And he's so stoned, he thinks he's ME!"
Les

Old one:

Two guys fishing...1st says "what brings you here?"
"I'm on my honeymoon."
"Shouldn't you be back at the cabin, doin' what newlyweds do?"
"Can't, she's got gonnarhea."
"There's another option."
"Can't, she's got pyarrea."
There's one last spot."
"Can't, she's got diarrea."
"Well, why did you marry her?"
"She's got worms and I like to fish."


Thank you, thank you; try the salmon.

A lot of my American friends ask me why Canadian money is all different colors. I tell them its because our beer has got alcohol in it! ;)
Les

1 Palestinian father to the other:

"How's your son?"
"He's a martyr."
"How's your son?" said the second
"He's a martyr, too" said the first.
"My, they blow up fast , don't they?" said the second.

A priest, a pedophile and a rapist walk into a bar....and that was the FIRST GUY......


Speeling is not mah furst subjeect....

Ya know, Mike, that would have been even funnier if you'd checked your spelling! Keep 'em coming!
Les

I know nothing about sports and American football in particular but this made me laugh...
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KABLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!"

I poached these from the computer at work:
A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous babe nursing a drink.

Walking up behind her he says, "Hi, there, good lookin'! How's it goin'?"

Having already downed a few power drinks she turned around, faced him,

looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen! I screw anybody, any

time, anywhere, your place, front door, back door, it doesn't matter to me.

I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat-ass love it!"

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer, too!

What firm are you with"?

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and
very proud
of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and
desired to
make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to
the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk)
to make the
proper "final" arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the
undertaker
that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:
"BORN A
VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN" Not long after, the old maid
died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the
undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had
requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had
selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He
thought long
and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request,
considering the
very limited space available on the small piece of stone. For days,
he agonized over
the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed
him to come
up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem. The
virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read
as follows:
"RETURNED UNOPENED"

G. W. Bush and John Kerry somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Kerry in his chair reached for the aftershave. Kerry was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife Theresa will smell that and think I've been in a >whorehouse,"
The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you?" Bush replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a >whorehouse smells like."

What has 4 legs and an arm?
A happy pitbull!

"The Proof"

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into
an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women.
Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting some?"

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think
about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in
it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels
better: your ear or your finger?"

A guy is driving along a country road when his car sputters to a stop alongside a pasture. As he is checking under the hood in an attempt to track down the source of the problem, he hears a voice say,"I think its the fuel pump." Looking up, he sees the only living thing inside a hundred yards is a brown cow, with a spot over one eye. He freaks out and dashes down the road to the farm house where he blurts out his tale of the talking cow to the farmer.
"A brown cow with a spot over one eye?" he asks.
"Yes! Thats the one!"
"Aw, thats Bessie. Don't pay no mind to her. She don't know ***** about cars."

Marine Corps Emblem. This came from a Marine in Iraq.

WE STOLE THE EAGLE FROM THE AIR FORCE, THE ANCHOR FROM THE NAVY AND THE ROPE FROM THE ARMY. ON THE SEVENTH DAY WHILE GOD RESTED, WE OVERRAN HIS PERIMETER, STOLE THE GLOBE AND WE'VE BEEN RUNNING THE WHOLE SHOW EVER SINCE.

Also from the Marines -- "We've been doing so much with so little for so long, we can do anything with nothing forever!"

Ron, that has actually been around for a looong time. Unless some of Archibald Henderson's buddies are still fighting in Iraq, no Marine there wrote that.

Semper Fi

ok.. I get so pissed off at the political beating they take from the suits.. although I heard hard second hand info that the Afg froces are doing fine doing their job because the suits are leaving them alone.

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing
construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and
cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd
known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."

Isabo? Now I know you're in Milan! The Detroit Lions have a pretty good quarterback in Joey Harrington...boy, do they ever need help in other positions...:(

Well I did say I understood nothing about sport:)

That's okay...I don't understand soccer or cricket...;)

Cricket doesn't count.
I understand cricket;) (Benefit of an English education)
You sit in a deckchair on a sunny day eating a huge portion strawberries and cream, chilled champagne at hand while a bunch of guys in white take turns standing still and running around. When the strawberries and champagne are finished or it rains, the game is over;)