Subject: Let's go fishing


At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed,they decided to go fishing together the next day!

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

"Do you want to go up or down?"

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the r river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.

He again asked the lady, "Up or down ?"

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day!

She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in the river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down ?"

The woman replied, "Down.."

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady,"Up or down ?"

She replied, "Up."

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

"What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"

She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were f*ck or drown."

Three guys sitting in a pub start to compare their jobs and cars after having a few drinks together.

The austronaut says: "I drive a Saturn."

The pimp says: "I drive a cheap Escourt."

The proctologist says: "I drive a brown Probe."

http://users.myexcel.com/ae4vr/engineerhumor/2.jpg
http://users.myexcel.com/ae4vr/engineerhumor/1.jpg

Two engineering students crossing the campus when one said, "Where did you get such
a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't
have fit."
---------------

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
----------

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind
fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
-------------

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.
----------------

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
-----------

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible
designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
-----------------

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough
features yet"
----------

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
"Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

A man on a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted 'Excuse me, can
you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.'
The woman below replied 'You are in a hot air balloon floating approximately 30ft above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.'
'You must be an engineer,' said the balloonist.
'I am,' replied the woman. 'How did you know?'
'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far.'
The woman below answered, 'You must be in management.'
'I am,' answered the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'
'Well,' said the woman, 'you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a huge quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position as you were before we met, but somehow it's my fault!'


One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing.


A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."


Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.



A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across
Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in
and meet with President Hillary Clinton." The Marine replied :
"Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here."
The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same
man approached the White House and Said to the same Marine, "I would
like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton". The Marine again
told the man :
"Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not the President and
doesn't reside here." The man thanked him and again walked away . . .

The third day, the same
man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine,
saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and
said : "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak
to Mrs. Clinton. I've told you already several times that Mrs. Clinton
is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"

The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you
fine, I just love Hearing your answer!" The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said,
"See you Tomorrow."

Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary:


8:00am Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30am A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40am walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30am Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00pm Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00pm Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00pm Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00pm Milk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00pm Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00pm Wow! Watched TV with my master! My favorite
thing!

11:00pm Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary:


Day 683 of my captivity: My captors continue to taunt
me with bizarre dangling objects. They dine lavishly
on fresh meat,while the other inmates and myself are
fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly
clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to
keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me
going is my dream of escape.. In an attempt to disgust
them, I once again vomit on the floor.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless
body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear
into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what
I am capable of. However, t hey merely made
condescending comments about what a "good little
hunter" I am. The audacity!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices
tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the
duration of the event. However, I could hear the
noises and smell the food. I overheard that my
confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I
must learn what this means, and how to use it to my
advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to
assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his
feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow
-- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are
flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special
privileges. He is regularly released --and seems to be
more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded!
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him
communicating with the guards regularly . I am certain
that he reports my every move. The captors have
arranged protective custody for him in an elevated
cell, so he is safe..... for now

Top 10 Common Activities That Sound Sexy but Aren't.

10- Touching all the bases
9- Getting a facial
8- Going for a 30-minute lube job
7- Ordering the pork
6- Glazing the donut
5- Getting a little behind in your work
4- Buffing the hardwood
3- Boning the ham
2- Blowing off your boss
1- Stiffing the waitress.


***

1 pickup line of all time:

"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you ?"

***

"As she lay there dozing next beside me, a voice inside my head kept saying 'Relax... you're not the first doctor who's ever slept with one of his patients', but another voice kept reminding me, 'Howard, you're a veterinarian'."

***

With all the spam we get for penis-enlargement pills, you'd think by now someone would have invented a pill that would shrink vaginas instead.

***

Whenever my teenage daughter comes down the stairs dressed like a tramp for her date, I think to myself: 'Damn, why won't her mother wear something like that ?

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on US 95 south, just outside
Washington, DC. Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man
knocks on his window. The driver rolls down his window and asks,
"What happened? What's the hold up?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Jesse
Jackson, Al Sharpton and John Kerry. They are asking for a $100
million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline
and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a
collection."

The driver asks, "On average, how much is everyone giving?"

"About a gallon."

Talking Dog





A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, She had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that ****. "



S O M E T I M E S
>>
>>
>>
>> Sometimes...
>>
>> when you cry...
>>
>> no one sees your tears.
>>
>>
>>
>> Sometimes...
>>
>> when you are in pain...
>>
>> no one sees your hurt.
>>
>>
>>
>> Sometimes...
>>
>> when you are worried..
>>
>> no one sees your stress.
>>
>>
>>
>> Sometimes...
>>
>> when you are happy..
>>
>> no one sees your smile .
>>
>>
>>
>> ---
>>
>> ---
>>
>> ---
>>
>> ---
>>
>> ---
>>
>> ---
>>
>> ---
>>
>> ---
>>
>> ---
>>
>> ---
>>
>> But FART!! just ONE time...
>>
>>
>>
>> And everybody knows!!
>> Gotcha!! You thought it was going to be one of those heart-touching
>>stories!

A 6-year old and a 4-year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know
>what?" says the 6-year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."
>
> The 4-year old nods his head in approval. The 6-year old continues,
>"When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell
>and you say something with Butt." The 4-year old agrees with enthusiasm.
>
> When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year old what he
>wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some
>Cheerios."
>
> WHACK! She smacks him in the mouth and he flies out of his chair,
>tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,
>and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,
>slapping his rear with every step. ; His Mom locks him in his room and
>shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
>
> She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year old and asks with a
>stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
>
> "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat Butt it won't be
>Cheerios!!"
>

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Corvette.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Corvette, and he managed to grab hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear suspension of the farmer's Vette, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken drove the Corvette back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Corvette To Pick Up Chicks "

Florida State University* Cannibalism Club
http://www.hotliquor.com/fsucc/index.html

You have to read the reasons list.:D

http://photos.pe.facebook.com/v62/12...920000_906.jpg

From an actual physics test at my university. Tsk tsk.

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you
really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep
you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys,
being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:
"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys,
smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping
your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically
speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both
ultimately result in death.

Funny but true..........................................

Acronym Definition
CRAP Canadian Reform Alliance Party (now Canadian Reform Conservative Alliance)
CRAP Carrying Resentments Against People (12 step recovery)
CRAP Cheap Redundant Assorted Products
CRAP Citizens Raging Against Phones (Grand Theft Auto 3)
CRAP Citizens Revolt Against Poop
CRAP Cloudy Reporting Accounting Principles
CRAP Computerized Response Audience Poll
CRAP Consumer Research and Planning
CRAP Content Restriction and Punishment (aka Digital Rights Management; coined by Richard Stallman)
CRAP Content Restriction Annulment and Protection (aka Digital Rights Management; coined by David Berlind)
CRAP Contrast, Repetition, Alignment, and Proximity (design principles)
CRAP County Rural Addressing Project
CRAP Courts, Roads, Avenues, and Places (mnemonic for East-West Streets in Miami)
CRAP Coventry Residents Against Phish

The first one is definitely true (though I believe it stood for the Conservative Reform Alliance Party). When the tories and reforms merged a few years ago, that was the acronym they chose. Needless to say, the media had a field day, and rightfully so! The party name was changed quite quickly.

True acronym stories...

Several years ago a friend at the Cape turned in a drawing for some adapter cables to be used on one of the shuttle flights. The configuration management fellow called to find out what name to use for the cable group. Rick said "Call it a Flight Utility Cable Kit". The guy called back in 15 minutes to tell him he had to rename it.

We used to occasionally put unusual acronyms in our documents' acronym lists for fun and to see if anyone ever read them (I doubt anyone did). One of my favorites was FPF Furlongs Per Fortnight.

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her
ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together
at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man
replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still
clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence,
however, he
finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid
them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She
administered tender an artful massage for several long moments and
asked,

"How does that feel?"

He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

Hillary Clinton was out jogging one morning along the parkway when she tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to her, 3 kids who were fishing pulled her out of the water. She was so grateful she offered the kids whatever they wanted. The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland." Hillary said, "No problem, I'll take you there on my special Senator's airplane." The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." Hillary said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!!" The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!" Hillary was a little perplexed by this and said, "But you don't look like you're handicapped." The kid said, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning."

The zipper
 

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman
wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became
aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come
up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver,
she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking
that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She
tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't! .

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind
her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time
attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she
could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to
unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her
picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on
the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the
would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body!
I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would
agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times,
I kind'a figured we was friends."

A WHAT!?
 

RECTUM STRETCHER

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over
a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying
in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic
patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher?

And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way
up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in.
I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I
slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot *********?" he asked.


"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."


Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face............... PRICELESS




http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1173843028.jpg

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime.

They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager. As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, "Gee, she's fat!"

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boys ear to be quiet.

A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as they would go and announced; "I'll bet her butt is this wide!"

The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy. The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet. After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line. Just then her pager begin to emit a beep, beep, beep.

The little boy yells out, "Run for your life, she's backing up!!"

To my older friends on a tight budget..



An older couple has an appointment with a doctor.

The doctor asks them “What is the nature of you problem?”

The man replies, “Sex, and we would like for you to watch us and see what you think about it”.

They disrobe, get on the exam table and commence to have sex.

After they are finished they get dressed and the doctor says” I still don’t see a problem”.

The man answers, “There is more than one problem. We are married, but not to each other. Our spouses would be upset if they knew but you have a patient- doctor relationship which keeps this safe. A motel would cost about $60.00 and we are both retired so that is a lot of money. Our Medicare co-pay is only $5.00 for a doctor visit
....and we kinda like it when you watch.

NEW WORDS FOR 2007 :

Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace (and elsewhere)!!!

1. BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard

4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

5. CUBE FARM : An office filled with cubicles.

6. PRAIRIE DOGGING : When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

7. MOUSE POTATO : The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

8. SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

9. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

11. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

12. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are Annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.

13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

14. ADMINISPHERE : The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

15. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.

16. GENERICA : Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

17. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake).

18. WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.

19. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.
From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in
the field.
He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and
began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again.
Complain, nag, Complain, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something
rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say
something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.





"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

Subject: Fw: Police Comments



These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

#14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?
You're right, we don't. Sign here."

WHY IT'S CAN BE IMPORTANT TO UNDERSTAND ENGLISH

When I got back from Toronto last month I had a bunch of
Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency
exchange window at the local bank. Short line. Just one guy in
front of me...an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for
dollars and he was a little irritated!

He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two
huna dolla fo yen. Today I get huna eighty?? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged her shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".

The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too!"

Real Life can be very entertaining...

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Iams for Jerry and was in
line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby (again, duh) so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting the Iams Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head.

I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying
it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it
works is to load your pockets or purse with Iams nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so... I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital.

I said no..... (choking so as not to laugh) I'd been sitting in the street
licking my butt when a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door. I think the woman was delightfully humiliated...


You don't want to know what I'd say to anyone questioning the handicap card when I'm parking the Porsche!

75, that was priceless... i'll have to remember that for the next time someone asks me the same question (happens a lot).

Saintly?
 

Thank you, Your Worship...

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7P.M.,
dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful
flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car...
a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes m e out for dinner...
a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.
Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much
I could have just died from pleasure!

So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.
Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

FRENCH WAR HEROES
by Jacques Chirac
______________________________________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan.
Illustrated by Michael Moore
________________________________________

MY BEAUTY SECRETS
by Janet Reno
_________________________________________________

MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER
KATRINA
by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
_______________________________________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton
_________________________________

Sequel:
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton
___________________________________

MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden
___________________________________

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates
____________________________________

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman
__________________________________

THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE
by Al Gore & John Kerry
_______________________________________

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
___________________________________

A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J Kevorkian
__________________________________

ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel
____________________________________

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson
__________________________________

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
______________________________________

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O.J. Simpson
_________________________________________

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES
by Ted Kennedy
___________________________________

MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton
with introduction by The Rev. Jesse Jackson
___________________________________

DUI - TENNESSEE STYLE
Only a person in TENNESSEE could think of this!
From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this
absolutely true story.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Paris,
Tennessee. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so
intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the
parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five
different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He
sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar
and drove off.

Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a
fine, dry summer night--, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of
times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the
vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still
for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled
out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited
patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the
flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a
breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no
evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police
station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken." I doubt it," said
the truly proud Hillbilly.

"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

Redneck Pick-Up Lines

1) Did you fart? Cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea . I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.

8) Man - "Fat Penguin!" Woman - "WHAT?"

Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."

9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room.

11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.

and.... the best for last!

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door, she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. "What are you doing?" She exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" He exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and This is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him on the Couch.

"What the hell are you doing?" She asked.

He replied, "Watching the cricket with my son-in-law."

HER FIRST PAY CHECK


Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little
5-year-old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we CAN
make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time...

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a
construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young
family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity
going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.


Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or
less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit
with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs
to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope
containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother
who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take
the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a
savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the
little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The
little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the
house next door to us."


"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the
house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will if those *******s at Home Depot ever
deliver the godamn sheet rock..."