The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500 man elite fighting unit called the USRSF.

US Redneck Special Forces.

These Alabama, North Carolina, Kentucky, West Virginia, Mississippi, Missouri, Arkansas, Georgia, Texas, and Tennessee boys will be dropped into Iraq and have been given the following facts about Terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

This mess in Iraq should be over in about a week.

The Cremated Husband

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.

"Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Herman, remember that blow job I promised you?"

"Here it comes!"

Current Political Correctness

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America,

Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."

You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore ....


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" --- She is "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" --- She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."

3. She is not "EASY" ---She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" ---- She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" --- She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" --- She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" ---She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"

8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" --- She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" – She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."

12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" – He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."

6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."

7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."

9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."

10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."

8 years after Clinton left Washington, DC

http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1164996886.jpg

Prospector & Gunslinger
 

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day.
He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of
whiskey. He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old
mule to the hitching rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust
from his face and clothes, a gunslinger walked out of the saloon. He
had a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other hand. He
looked at the old man and laughed.

Then he said, "Hey old man have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at him and said, "Nope, never had a hankering to
dance."

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well you old
fool you're gonna dance now," and he started shooting at the old man's
feet. The old man was hopping around and everybody was laughing. He
fired his last bullet, holstered his gun and turned around to go back in
the saloon.

The old man reached up on the mule, got his shotgun and pulled the
hammer back making a loud click. The gunslinger heard this, then
everything got quiet. He turned around and was looking at the old
prospector aiming both barrels right at him. The old man asked him,
"Did you ever kiss a mule right on the ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard, then said, "No, but I've always wanted
to!"

Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat. He says "Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, here - try these on.

"So, she did and said, "these are too big, I can't wear them".

So I replied, "...exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. Ever since that night we have never had any problems."

"Hmmm," says Jack. He thinks that might be a good thing to try. So on, his honeymoon Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill, "Here try these on. "

"So she does and says, "these are too large, they don't fit me"

So Jack says, "...exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Jill takes off her pants and hands them to Jack and says, "here you try on mine."

So he does and says, "I can't get into your pants.

“ So Jill says," exactly. And if you don't change your attitude, you never will."

Bill Clinton started jogging near his
new home in Chappaqua.


But on each run he happened to jog
past a hooker standing on the same
street corner, day after day.



With some apprehension he would brace
himself as he approached her for what
was most certainly to follow.


"Fifty dollars!" she would cry
out from the curb.




"No, Five dollars!"
fired back Clinton .


This ritual between Bill and the
hooker continued for days.


He'd run by and she'd yell,
"Fifty dollars!"

And he'd yell back,
"Five dollars!"


One day however,
Hillary decided that she
wanted to accompany her
husband on his jog!


As the jogging couple neared the problematic
street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would
bark her $50 offer and Hillary would
wonder what he'd really
been doing on all his past outings.


He realized he should have a
darn good explanation;
for the junior Senator.


As they jogged into the turn that would
take them past the corner,

Bill became even more apprehensive
than usual.

Sure enough, there was the hooker!

Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes
as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from the sidewalk,
the hooker yelled...



See what you get for five bucks!?"

Subject: Genders...

You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:


FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

DEBUTANTE BALL


A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:
"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: NO JEWS PLEASE!"


At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's Mother heard a polite rap at the door.
She opened to find, in full dress uniform, four very handsome, smiling black officers. Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There must be some mistake."
"No, Madam," said the first officer. "Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Friend,
Billy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm
giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell.
Santa


************************************************** **
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa


************************************************** **
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd l ike for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you some Legos instead.
Santa


************************************************** **
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a
dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays. I bet you're gay. I'll set
you up with a Barbie.
Santa



************************************************** **
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots
for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the ****s and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a
bottle of Scotch.
Santa



************************************************** **
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa



************************************************** **
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa



************************************************
Dear Santa,
I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE,
PLEASE could I have one?
Love, Timmy

Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging **** may work with your folks, but that crap
doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa



************************************************** **
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

Dear Mark,
First stop callling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.

Sweet dreams,
Santa

Peace on Earth
 

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy
boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the
intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger
printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door and she was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him."

"I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk."

"Naturally......I assumed you had stolen the car."

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle, Cuddles, along for company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up! The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Simply select your answers copy and paste them together and you'll have your complete CL ad ready to post.


Use the following formula to determine what number you should enter in the 'Your Age' box, where X = your actual age:

X / 1.25 - 3 = Craigslist Age

Please finish the following sentence:

- Though I no longer need the protection that I once needed in prehistoric times, and though I'm 5'2" in heels, I demand that my date be:

a) 6.5 feet tall
b) 8 feet tall
c) 10 feet tall


Please select all appropriate answers to finish the following sentences:

My favorite euphemism for fat is:

a) Curvy
b) Thick
c) Voluptuous
d) Marilyn Monroe-esque


I love to -

a) laugh
b) be happy
3) have fun

(Actually, this one is so stupid, one answer is enough to show your prospective date you're not a depressed downer. Let's move on.)



Please choose a deceptive phrase to mask your gold-digging intentions or if she’s hooker:

a) I love fine dining
b) You must be generous
c) You know how to treat a lady.


Please choose one from the following list of overused personal ad phrases:

a) Your pic gets mine
b) Looking for my partner in crime
c) I like to hike....

Please answer the following True/False questions:


Because I'm unable to spend less money than I make, I occasionally post ads in 'Erotic Services', especially around rent time.

a) True
b) True

Despite the fact that I am a cocktail waitress at TGI Fridays who qualifies for the earned income tax credit, I will only date rich, Wall Street finance guys.

a) True
b) True

I am average looking at best, but because I was in the right place at the right time with a drunk, horny and desperate hot guy, I now believe I deserve a comparably hot stud to marry me. This '10' will also never cheat on me, complain that I keep gaining weight or ask for sex.

a) True
b) True


My date should have a body fat % of 10 or less, despite the fact that I'm a snug size 20.

a) True
b) True


I will only consider dating guys who are hot and tall enough and with enough game to never have to settle for sex with just one girl, yet I will complain incessantly about how I'm tired of players.

a) True
b) True


I will include the phrase 'NO PSYCHOS' in my ad because I believe the ones I'm talking about will say to themselves 'I'm a psycho and therefore I will not answer her ad.'

a) True
b) True


My definition of a 'real man' is one who is attracted to fat women.

a) True
b) True

My potential mate should be a muscle-bound he-man, with a full head of hair, despite the fact that the testosterone increase that accompanies weight-lifting, inevitably leads to a receding hairline.

a) True
b) True

I live at home with my parents in the Los Altos Hills, but you have to live in a penthouse loft condo in San Francisco and when we get there, I will find some way to criticize your place.

a) True
b) True

I will not date any man who doesn't appreciate every single talentless, clone hipster band that I do.

a) True
b) True

Whew...brutal............but hilarious and almost certainly true!

I want to live my next life backwards:

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.

Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're too young to work.

You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.

Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.

Then you become a baby, and then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...

You finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you either hear or are about to repeat a rumor.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."

"Three?"

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued. "You may still pass though, because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?" The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband
starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and
says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist
appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.

"The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his
wife again.
"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

Why are Camels called "Ships of the Desert".




..... caus ethey ar efull of Arab SeaMen

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby, so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head.

I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital.

I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

Yeah something similar happened to me.....

I was waiting in the airport ticket counter queue behind a large breasted young lady. When I finally got to the counter I asked for "Two Pickets to Tittsburg" instead of saying Two Tickets to Pittsburg".

The chap behind the ticket counter just laughed and said it was called a Freudian Slip. He explained that just that morning he had made a Fruedian Slip himself. He was sitting at the breakfast table reading the paper and mean't to ask his wife to pass the sugar but what came out was "you stupid F***ing B*tch you've ruined my life"

SHORT AND SWEET

50 Years ago.....
100 white men chasing one black man across a field were called:
The Ku Klux Klan.

Today..... It's called the PGA Tour.

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan.
One of the courses had a professor who was a vowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes." The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.
Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting." It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.
The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?" The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid sh** and act like an A$$H**E.

So, He sent me."

I was walking across a bridge one day and I saw a man standing on a ledge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

"Well, there's so much to live for." "Like what?" "Well, are you religious?" He said yes. I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" "Christian." "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant." "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

"Baptist." "Wow, me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God." "Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1789 or Reformed Baptist Church of God, 1915?"

He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915."

I said, "Die, heretic scum!!" And pushed him off the bridge.

A Frenchman, an Englishmanand a New Yorker were
exploring the jungle and were captured by a fierce
tribe.

As they sit in a hut, awaiting their fate, the chief
comes to them and says,"The bad news is that now that
we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then
use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that
you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "Itake ze poison." The chief gives
him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive La France!"
and drinks it down.

The Englishman says,"A pistol for me, please." The
chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head,
says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says,"Gimme a fork." The chief is
puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New
Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all
over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere.

There's blood gushing out all over and it's horrible.

The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you
doing?"

The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much
for your canoe, a--hole!"

Redneck Pickup Lines

1) Did you fart?

cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded?

cuz ya sure are special.


3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea.

I can't hold it in.


4) Do you have a library card?

cuz I'd like to sign you out.


5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?

cuz I can see myself in em.


6) If you was a tree and I were a Squirrel,

I'd store my nuts in yer hole.


7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,

but beauty's only a light switch away.


8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"

Woman - "WHAT?"

Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."

9) I! know I' m not no Fred Flintstone,

but I bet I can make yer " bed-rock."


10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?

I think he went inta this cheap motel room.

11) Yer eyes are as blue & pretty as window cleaner.


12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,

we kin sleep til afternoon.


and.... the best for last!

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,.......................every time I

think of it my nuts tighten up.

14) Nice a$$! Get in the truck.


Les

The Flight Crew

The airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc.

Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination." Ed sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?"

When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"

"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."

"My God," said Ed, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit."

"That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We No Longer Call It TheCock Pit."

"It's The Box Office."

THE JOYS OF AGING



An old lady was standing at the rail of the cruise ship holding her hat so that it wouldn't blow away in the wind.?



A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this wind?"



"Yes, I know," said the lady. "But I need my hands to hold onto my hat."?



"But madam, he said, "you must know that you're derriere is exposed!"??



The woman looked down, then back up at the man and said, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old, but I just bought this hat yesterday!".

I'm sure this is true..
 

That's why I'm posting it on the jokes thread. ;)

The Ducks, Lab and Navigator

HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN? ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT.

A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 (with monthly payments of $560.00). He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin. It's mid-winter; and of course all of the lakes are froze n.

These two guys go out on the ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR. They decide they want to make a natural looking open water area for the ducks to focus on, something for the decoys to float on. Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce.

So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse. Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away y after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the following course of action:

They light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible. Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG...???

Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING; especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it: the dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice.

The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps coming. One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird s hot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on. Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really con fused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane.

The dog takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new Navigator. The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dog's rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master.

Then " "" "" "" "" " BOOOOOOOOOOOOM "" "" "" "" "" ! ! ! ! The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with "I can't believe this just happened" looks on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. And he still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments.

Dear Mrs. Smith,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the
antidepressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again."

And; last, but not least:

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."

Yours
sincerely,


Charles Brown
Store Manager

Two nuns were shopping in a food store and happened to
be passing the beer and liquor section.

One asks the other if she would like a beer. The other
nun answered that would be good, but that she would be
queasy about purchasing it.

The first nun said that she would handle it and picked
up a six pack and took it to the cashier.

The cashier had a surprised look and the first nun
said, "The beer is used for washing our hair."

The cashier without blinking an eye, reached under the
counter and put a package of pretzels in the bag with
the beer saying, "Here, don't forget the curlers."

In the Irish hamlet of Carrick-on-Suir, where drunk driving is considered a sport, it was nearly midnight and closing time at the local tavern.

Lodged deep in the shadows of the car park, a policeman in a patrol car observed a man leaving the bar in such disrepair he could barely walk. He stumbled around the park, trying his keys on several cars before finding his own and falling into the driver's seat.

As he lay sprawled across the seat, other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally, he righted himself and started the car. There followed a switching on and off of wipers (on a fine dry night), flicking of indicators and tooting of the hooter before he found the lights switch.

The vehicle lurched forward a metre, reversed, then stalled. The last patrons emerged, ignored the drunk and left.

At last he managed to edge out of the car park and motor slowly down the lane. The cop rumbled after him, flashed his lights and pulled the man over.

But the Breathalyser test showed no evidence of alcohol consumption at all.

"I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the station, sir, this Breathalyser equipment must be broken," said the nonplussed patrolman.

"Oh, that won't be necessary," replied the man cheerfully. "Tonight I was the designated decoy."

James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to an attractive woman.

He smiles and nods at her then casually glances at his watch. She takes the opening: "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "Q gave me this special watch and I was just testing it."

Intrigued, she says: "Oh? And what's so special about it?"

"It communicates telepathically with me," he explains.

"And what's it telling you now?"

"That you're not wearing panties..."

She giggles and says: "Well it must be broken, because I am wearing panties!"

Bond smirks, taps the watch: "Bloody thing must be an hour fast."

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.


The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound
right testicle, Turner Brown."


The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.


The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"


In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"


The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet
tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Turner Brown?!... Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around"!

THIS REALLY TOUCHED MY HEART AND I AM SURE IT WILL TOUCH YOURS ALSO .............

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"


Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.


"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock.


"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the bastard."

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa,
taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep $hit now!" Noticing
some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike,
a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had
me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a
nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it
for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees
him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that
something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard,
spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says,
"Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that
conniving canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on
his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of
running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he
hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the
old poodle says, "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts. Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bull$hit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Only in America....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way
to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy
people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America.....do people order double cheeseburgers, large
fries, and a diet coke.

Only in America.....do banks leave both doors open and then
chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America....do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars
in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and
buns in packages of eight.

Only in America....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the
process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning
'bloodsucking creatures'.

Only in America.....do they have drive-up ATM machines with
Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER ....

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing
liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush
hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food ?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on
airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?


If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of
progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Back in Kentucky, you didn't see too many people hang-gliding. Bubba decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge--and into the wind he goes!

Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing talkin' about the good ol' days when Maw spots the biggest bird she had ever seen!

"Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims. Paw straightens up and says, "Git my gun, Maw."

She runs into the house and brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim. BANG...BANG.....BANG.....BANG! The monster-size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops.

"I think ya missed him, Paw," she says.

"Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of Bubba!"

Two women friends went out for a girl's night out.

Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee.

So, they decided to stop in a nearby cemetery. Having nothing to wipe with, one of them thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with it. After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said,

"These damn girl's nights out have got to stop. I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!"

"That's nothing", said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card > stuck between her butt cheeks that said: "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of
the class was squirming around,scratching his crotch,
and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on. He was
quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just
recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's
office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her
what he should do about it.

He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was
a commotion at the back of the room. She went
back to investigate only to find him sitting at his
desk with his unit hanging out.
I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.
"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could
stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."