Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like auto mechanics. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.

3 surgeons from Texas in a bar discussing their most successful operations.

#1 says - I had a guy, marathon runner, got his leg mangled in press; just last week he won the Boston Marathon

#2 - well, I had a patient, a concert pianist, he got his arm caught in a compactor, came in with it barely attached, and now...he's performing at Carnegie hall

#3 - My patient was a cowboy, hopped up on coke and booze...rode his horse onto the train tracks, got anhilated by a train...I put him back together, and dammed if that sumbit#ch ain't president of the United States

no punch line

Gun-toting granny Ava Estelle, 81, was so ticked-off when two thugs raped her 18-year-old granddaughter that she tracked the unsuspecting ex-cons down - - and shot off their testicles.
The old lady spent a week hunting those men down -- and when she found them, she took revenge on them in her own special way, said Melbourne police investigator Evan Delp.
Then she took a taxi to the nearest police station, laid the gun on the sergeant's desk and told him as calm as could be:

'Those bastards will never rape anybody again, by God.' Cops say convicted rapist and robber Davis Furth, 33, lost both his penis and his testicles when outraged Ava opened fire
with a 9-mm pistol in the hotel room where he and former prison cellmate Stanley Thomas, 29, were holed up.

The wrinkled avenger also blew Thomas' testicles to kingdom come, but doctors managed to save his mangled penis, police said. The one guy, Thomas, didn't lose his manhood, but the doctor I talked to said he won't be using it the way he used to, Detective Delp told reporters.
Both men are still in pretty bad shape, but I think they're just happy to be alive after what they've been through.

The Rambo Granny swung into action August 21 after her granddaughter Debbie was carjacked and raped in broad daylight by two knife-wielding creeps in a section of town
bordering on skid row. "When I saw the look on my Debbie's face that night in the hospital, I decided I was going to go out and get those bastards myself 'cause I figured the Law would go easy on them," recalled the retired library worker. "And I wasn't scared of them, either-- because I've got me a gun and I've been shootin' all my life. And I wasn't dumb enough to turn it in when the law changed about owning one."

So, using a police artist's sketch of the suspects and Debbie's description of the sickos', tough-as-nails Ava spent seven days prowling the wino-infested neighborhood where the crime took place till she spotted the ill fated rapists entering their flophouse hotel.

I knew it was them the minute I saw 'em, but I shot a picture of 'em anyway and took it back to Debbie and she said sure as hell, it was them, the oldster recalled.

So I went back to that hotel and found their room and knocked on the door and the minute the big one, Furth, opened the door, I shot 'em right square between the legs, right where it would really hurt 'em most, you know.
Then I went in and shot the other one as he backed up pleading to me to spare him. Then I went down to the police station and turned myself in.

Now, baffled lawmen are trying to figure out exactly how to deal with the vigilante granny.
What she did was wrong, and she broke the law, but it is difficult to throw an 81-year-old woman in prison, Det. Delp said, especially when 3 million people in the city want to nominate her for sainthood and a medal.

Why can't Helen Keller drive?

(disclaimer -- my BAC would make an elephant stagger)

JP

OK, enough suspense --

Because she's a woman.

JP

Why can't Helen Keller skydive?








































Scares the crap outta her guidedog....

A New Zealand man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but,
not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into
the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that
they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try
didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing
round. Try again, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to
look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

"No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is
beeping the horn."

Can't wait for the Arab / Camel version of this.

Husband store

A store that sells husbands has just opened in Ottawa
where a woman may go to choose a husband from among
many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the
men increase in positive attributes as the shopper
ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. As
you open the door to any floor you may choose a man
from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot
go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a
husband.



On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1
-

These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says
to herself, "Well, that's better than my last
boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?"

So up she goes. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 -

These men have jobs and love, kids. The woman remarks
to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further
up?"

And up she goes again. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 -

These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good
looking. "Hmmm, better" she says "But I wonder what's
upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 -

These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good
looking and help with the housework. "Wow," exclaims
the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be further
up!"

And again she heads up another flight. The fifth floor
sign reads: Floor 5 -

These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good
looking, help with the housework and have a strong
romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me! But just think ...
what must be awaiting me further on?"

So up to the sixth floor she goes. The sixth floor
sign reads: Floor 6 -
You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are
no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as
proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you
for shopping Husband Mart and have a nice day.

My Dad, trying to get my little sister to read when she was three or four, used to give her a quarter if she could pick out big words on the page. I guess you could say it backfired one morning when Dad was picking up a paper at a store near the park and my little sister started pointing at him and yelling "Pedophile! Pedophile!" until he gave her a quarter to shut her up. Seems she figured out a new word. Dad says he never could go back to that darn store.;)
Les

The US Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of Senator Hillary Clinton to honor her achievements as the First Lady of our nation.

In daily use it was shown that the stamp was not sticking to
envelopes.This enraged Senator Clinton, who demanded a full investigation.

After a month of testing, a special presidential commission made the following findings:

*The stamp was in perfect order.

*There was nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.

*People were spitting on the wrong side

yalla, yalla

khalass, khalass

p'habbik "camel?"

ya-alllaaaahh!

:D

President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a Texas bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Say, isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?"
The Bartender says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor.
What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning World War III ".
All the guy says is, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 40 million Iraqis and one blonde with big breasts."
The guy exclaims, "A blonde with big breasts? Why kill a blonde with big breasts?"
Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, smartass?!
I told you no one would worry about 40 million Iraqis!"

Have you heard about the recent stamp recall?

Well, they had pictures of lawyers on them, and frankly, people didnt know which side to spit on.

Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?
Devil: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays That's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab, and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more.

Devil: You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie - you're already dead, remember?


Devil: Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow.

Devil: Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want and if ya overdose - that's alright - you're dead, who cares? O.D.!!

Guy: Yowza!! I never realized Hell was such a swingin' place.
Devil: You gay?
Guy: No....
Devil: Ooooh (grimaces), You're gonna hate Fridays .

Porsche 911 Twin Turbo & Moped



A very self-important young man goes out and buys what he believes is the best car available: a 1997 Porsche 911 Turbo. It is one of the fastest and most expensive cars in the world.

That night, he takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops at a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"

The young man replies, "A 1997 Porsche 911 Turbo. It cost me $100,000."

"That's a lot of money," replies the old man. "Why do they cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 180 miles an hour!" states the young man proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"

"Sure," replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"

Just then the light changes, so the young guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 10 seconds the speedometer reads 120 MPH. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror that seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Porsche 911 Turbo?" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction!

And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped!

"Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Porsche 911 Turbo?"

Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh-BLAMMM! It plows into the back of his car. The young man jumps out. It is the old man!

Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain.

He runs up to the old man and says, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man groans and replies, "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror, please."

Bud Abbott and Lou Costello in the
21st Century


ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer Store... Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den,
and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in
the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer
and software.

ABBOTT: Software for windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can
use to write proposals, track expenses and run my
business. What have you got?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend
anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend office with windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows!
OK, let's just say, I'm sitting at my computer and I
want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: word.

COSTELLO: what word?

ABBOTT: word in office.

COSTELLO: the only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: the word in office for windows.

COSTELLO: which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: the word you get when you click the blue w

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue w if you don't
start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can
I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: yes, you want real one.

COSTELLO: maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I
watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I
need!

ABBOTT: real one.

COSTELLO: if it's a long movie I also want to see reel
2,3&4. Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: of course.

COSTELLO: great, with what?

ABBOTT: real one.

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a
movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: you click the blue 1

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: the blue 1.

COSTELLO: is that different from the blue w?

ABBOTT: the blue 1 is Realone and the blue w is word.

COSTELLO: what word?

ABBOTT: the word in office for windows.

COSTELLO: but there's three words in office for
windows!

ABBOTT: no, just one. but it's the most popular word
in the world.

COSTELLO: it is?

ABBOTT: yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other
words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other
words out there.

COSTELLO: and that word is real one?

ABBOTT: real one has nothing to do with word. Real one
isn't even part of office.

COSTELLO: stop! Don't start that again. What about
financial bookkeeping you have anything I can track my
money with?

ABBOTT: money.

COSTELLO: that's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: it comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: what's bundled to my computer?

ABBOTT: money

COSTELLO: money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer?
How much?

ABBOTT: one copy

COSTELLO: isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.

COSTELLO: they can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: why not, they own it

ONE EVENING MIKE WENT OVER HIS FRIEND TERRY'S HOUSE TO PLAY CARDS WITH SOME FRIENDS. MIKE SAT DIRECTLY ACROSS FROM TERRY'S WIFE. MIKE DROPPED A CARD ON THE FLOOR AND BENT DOWN TO PICK IT UP. WHEN HE LOOKED ACROSS THE TABLE HE SAW THAT TERRY'S WIFE HAD HER LEGS OPEN AND NO PANTIES ON. HE SAT UP AND WAS FLUSHED. HE WENT INTO THE KITCHEN TO GET A DRINK OF WATER. TO HIS SURPRISE TERRY'S WIFE HAD FOLLOWED HIM INTO THE KITCHEN AND SAID, "DID YOU LIKE WHAT YOU SAW"? MIKE SAID YES I DID. SHE SAID, "WELL YOU CAN GET MORE THAN THAT BUT IT WILL COST YOU $500". SO MIKE THOUGHT ABOUT HIS FINANCIAL SITUATION AND SAID O.K.. SHE SAID SO MEET ME HERE TOMORROW AT 2:30 BECAUSE TERRY WILL BE AT WORK THEN. MIKE SAID, "I'LL SEE YOU THEN". THE NEXT DAY, MIKE CAME OVER, THEY HAD SEX, HE PAID HER, THEN HE LEFT. LATER TERRY CAME HOME AND SAID, "HAS MIKE BEEN OVER HERE TODAY"? SHE SAID THINKING SHE HAD BEEN CAUGHT, "AS A MATTER OF FACT, YES. TERRY ASKED, "DID HE LEAVE $500?" SHE SAID AS A MATTER OF FACT HE DID. TERRY SAID, "GOOD BECAUSE THAT FOOL CAME BY MY JOB THIS MORNING AND ASKED TO BORROW $500 TILL THIS EVENING, AND SAID HE WOULD LEAVE IT WITH YOU.

What did the Mexican Fireman name his two kids?





Jose and JosB

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male
pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she
was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the
store, so there were no males employed there. She then
asked if there was something she could help the gentleman
with.

The man said "this is embarrassing for me, but I have a
permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems
and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you
could give me for it?"

The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my
sister."
When she returned, she said, "the best we can do is 1/3
ownership in the store and $5000 in cash."

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.
The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the
shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat" "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was,
after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another.
After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

The Cannibals

Two cannibals, a father and a son were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat.
They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.
Before long, along came this little old man.
The son said, "Ooh, Dad, there's one."
"No," said the father, "There's not enough meat on that one to feed the dogs. We'll just wait."
Well, a little while later, along came this really overweight man.
The son said, "Hey Dad, he's plenty big enough."
"No," said the father, "We'll all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."
About and hour later, this absolutely gorgeous woman walks by.
The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one Dad. Let's eat her."
"No," said the father, "We will not eat her either."
"Why not?" asked the son.
"Because we are going to take her back alive and eat your mother!"

"My wife is losing her hearing", the old guy confessed to his doctor,"but she won't admit it. She says its me"
"Tell you what" advised his doc. "This afternoon when you get home. Enter the house quietly. When your are inside , say at the front door, speak to her in a normal tone of voice. If she can't hear, half the distance to her and repeat what you said. If she still can't hear, move closer and try again. If she can't hear, tell her what you've done, and ask her to come & see me. We'll get her some help."
So around 5:, he quietly enters the front door, and, seeing his beloved wife of 40 years at the kitchen counter, with her back to him, preparing supper, he says,"What's for supper Dear?" There is no response.
With a touch of sadness, he walks half way down the hall and repeats the question."What's for supper, Dear?" still no response.
Determined to give her one more try, he steps into the kitchen and asks"What's for supper Dear?" At this point, she slams a spoon on the counter and snaps:"For the THIRD time you deaf old fool: MEATLOAF!"
Les

NEVER SAY TO A COP
 

These may be old but.....

NEVER SAY TO A COP:

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son . . your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

A wealthy man grows tired of his toys one day and decides to go purchase something really exotic -- a grizzly bear. Now he'd been warned about the violent tendencies that these bears have been known to exhibit in the wild, so he made sure to voice his concern to the ecstatic salesman (if you were selling a grizzly, you'd be ecstatic, too).

The salesman assured him that the bear in question was as peaceful as a lamb. "Just don't ever touch his nose, whatever you do," cautioned the salesman.

Several months went by, and in fact, the bear was as peaceful as a lamb. He was also smarter than any dog, and rapidly learned not only to fetch the paper and slippers, but could fry eggs and make passable coffee. The grizzly got along great with the wait-staff, and played well with children.

But somewhere in the back of the new owner's mind, he kept wondering about the whole "nose" thing. One day, his curiousity got the better of him. The grizzly was sleeping quietly in front of the fire, gently snoring -- a true picture of peace and tranquility. The owner softly snuck up, reached out, and touched the bear lightly on the nose.

In the flash of an instant, the bear was up on his hind legs roaring, apparently very angry. The owner, in terror, fled through the house, chased at every turn by the suddenly-no-longer-docile pet. Teeth bared, massive paws throwing furniture across the room, wait-stuff running from the path of this vicious killer ... and finally, the bear cornered his owner. Saliva dripped from his growling maw, and his neatly sharpened claws clicked on the fancy marble floor. The owner huddled in the corner, regretting his horrible mistake and wondering if this was really the end...

Then the bear reached out a massive paw, touched him on the nose, and said "Tag. You're it."

There's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of
them are Bush fans. Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting
to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one
boy--Johnny.

The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, "I'm not a Bush fan."

The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Bush fan?"

Johnny says, "I'm a John F. Kerry fan." The teacher asks why he's a
Kerry fan. The boy says, "Well, my mom's a Kerry fan, and my Dad's a
Kerry fan, so I'm a Kerry fan!"

The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, "What
if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was an idiot, what would that make
you?"

Johnny says, "That would make me a Bush fan."

A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter left on the bed With trembling hands and a terrible premonition she reads in horror:
Dear Mom,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you I have eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice! I love all his piercings, tattoos, and his big motorcycle. But it's not just that mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. Also, I've learned that marihuana doesn't! hurt anyone and
we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are already giving us all the other drugs we want so it's the least we can do in return.
http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1083691770.jpg
In the meantime, we pray for science to find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better - he deserves it. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love Always - Your daughter, Judith
PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm at the neighbor's house. I just wanted
to show you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer...I love you!

Michael Jackson spotting in the San Bernardino Wal-Mart -

He heard they had boys pants half-off.

Isabo!
Don't do that to me! My daughter will be 15 this summer.
The old heart can't take that stuff.:eek:
Les

My daughter is 24.
You may be in for some interesting times in the next ten years.:D ;)

Every woman wants her son to meet a girl just like she was.
Every man is scared to death his daughter will meet a guy like he was.
My wife says most fathers survive their daughters' teenage years. All of my friends and relations have made it through. I can do this.

OK Joke thread:
A fellow answers his door shortly after returning from one of the worst rounds of golf ever.
The police officer on his doorstep asks" Sir, were you teeing off from the thirteenth hole of the Forest Links club at about 2:15 this afternoon?"
The fellow affirms he was.
"Well Sir'" continues the officer,"your shot sliced off the fareway into the path of a club member's car. He swerved to avoid the ball, placing his vehicle directly into the path of a bus load of Nuns who were coming to play the course. The driver of the car is in critical condition in City hospital and several of the nuns suffered broken bones and other injuries."
"Oh my God!" wails the distraught duffer. "What can I do?"
"Well," says the cop' "you might want to try adjusting your grip. I always have trouble on that hole too."
Les

After an amazing upset in the wrestling match between the Gouger and Johnny Do-Good, the TV guy from the big network is interviewing the new champion.
"What would you say was the secret of your amazing victory over the Gouger in tonight's match, Johnny? Just before the end, your opponent looked like he was in control, but we heard a mighty scream and you reversed the situation and pinned for the win. Tell us about that."
"Well Mr. Williams," the boy replies, "I knew the Gouger was full of bad tricks. But my daddy always said to fight a fair fight. I had a chance to knee him in the groin early on, but didn't an' he bit me on the ear. I could'a bit him on the ear too, when he had my arm twisted around the wrong way, but even though I was in some trouble, Daddy always said to fight fair. I guess it was when he had me down, darn near pinned, and I was tied up like a pretzel and I thought, 'Daddy, I've fought a fair fight, but the other guy didn't. I'm gonna try things his way.' Just then, I opened my eyes and saw these b*lls hanging right in front of my face and I bit 'em. Yessir I bit 'em hard. Ya know, you just don't know your own strength 'till you've bit yerself in the b*alls!":eek:
Les

CHILDREN'S BOOKS YOU'LL NEVER SEE
1. "Strangers Have the Best Candy"
2. "You Were an Accident"
3. "The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
4. "Some Kittens Can Fly!"
5. "Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"
6. "Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"
7. "Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
8. "The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"
9. "All Dogs Go to Hell"
10."The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
11."When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It"
12. "Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
13. "What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
14. "Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"
15. "Bi-Curious George"
16. "Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"
17. "Where's Waldo - The Bail Bondsman's Handy Field Guide"
18. "You Are Different and That's Bad"
19. "Dad's New Wife Timothy"
20. "Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games"
21. "Testing Homemade Parachutes With Nothing At All But Your Household Pets"
22. "The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad"
23. "The Tickling Babysitter"
24. "Babar Meets the Taxidermist"
25. "Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"
26. "The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"
27. "Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's Purse"
28. "The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"
29. "Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"
30. "The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead"
31. "How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School"
32. "Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear

Isabo, I haven't laughed so hard since I can't remember when. That's absolutely awesome!! Thanks, I desperately needed that.


Dan

o.k. so some of them were kind of ho hum, but these literally left me in pain btw: the letter to mom was good too. I would love it if my daughter were to pull one like that on me. we have a very close relationship and are always looking for practical jokes to pull on each other

I can't take any credit for them as they're all bits that I was sent, as I found them funny I thought others would too.
I'm close to my daughter and the letter is exactly the sort of gag she would pull, often with my husband as acomplice to aid credibility:)

Subject: A Teacher asked......


A teacher asked her class.

"What Do You want Out of Life?"

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals."

The teacher asked, "Really and what four animals would that be sugar?""

The little girls said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."

The teacher fainted.

A madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified,
well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.
"May I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Natalie," the man replied.
"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you
would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No. I must see Natalie," was the man's reply.

Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she
charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten
one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Natalie, and they went
upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row-too expensive-and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000.

Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they
went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was
astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and they went upstairs. After their session, Natalie questioned the man.
"No one has ever used me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, "South Carolina."
"Really" she said. "I have family inSouth Carolina."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am your sister's
attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."


The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer.

Speak of the devil...an aunt of mine told me something similar when i was 4 years old. She just happened to leave off the last 2 parts ;)

Guy walks into a bar and sees a $1000.00 bill in a frame hanging behind the bar. Guy asks the bartender,

"What's the deal with the grand?"

Bartender answers, "The first person who comes in here, drinks three shots, then completes three highly difficult tasks in succession gets it."

"OK, I'll bite. What do I have to do besides drink the shots?"

"First, go over there and knock out the bouncer, and you have to use your fists - no weapons. Second, go down to the basement and pull a tooth from the alligator living down there. Third, go upstairs and service the skanky, 75 year old, scab ridden hooker. Then you get the thousand bucks."

"Ok, lets do it. Line up the drinks."

Bartender sets up the rounds, the guy downs them, stands up screws up his courage and walks over to the bouncer and goes three rounds with the bouncer, finally gets in a lucky shot and lays him out.

Picks himself up, shakes himself off, opens the hatch in the floor and walks downstairs. After 5 minutes of the most horrible crashing, growling, and screaming, theres a couple of minutes of silence and then the man staggers up through hatch in the floor. Looks at the bartender and sez,

"OK, now where's the lady who needs the tooth pulled?