a suburbanite goes fishing one weekend. He puts on ratty clothes and a stinky hat. He hops in his old beaten up ford pickup and goes down to the ocean, fishes and is on his way home.

He gets going a little fast and dosent see the cop behind the hill. He gets pulled over.

The cop approaches and says "sir, do you know how fast you were going?" to which the man replies "no, werent you paying attention either?" to lighten the mood, hoping to get off with a warning.

"Dont get smart with me you bum" he scowls in retort. "You worthless piece of shat, telling me how to do my job, why dont you get a job yourself you bum!"

The man is taken aback a bit at the misinterpretation of his remark. He replies "I have a job sir" The cop replies "Yeah what do you do, spit wash windshields at traffic lights?"

At this point the guy is a little pissed and says "No, I'm a rectum strecher" The cop is silent. "I take two fingers and work them in. Then I get one fist in then another." The cop is stunned "finally, I get the two sides spread out about 6 feet. Its really cool to watch." After a moment the cop comes back with "What do you do with a six foot *********?"

to which the gentleman replies "I dont know, I guess you could give him a radar gun and stick him on the side of the road behind a hill."

Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months.
The only other thing on the island was a tall coconut tree, which provided their food. And each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree to see if he could see a rescue boat coming. One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "Wow. I can't believe my eyes.
There is a girl out there floating in our direction."

The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "I think you're hallucinating and you should come down right now."

So, the lawyer reluctantly climbed down the tree and told his friend that he had just actually seen a naked brunette woman floating face up headed toward their island. The other lawyer started to laugh, thinking his friend had surely lost his mind But within a few minutes, up to their beach floated a naked brunette woman, face up, gorgeous body and breasts and totally unconscious.

The two lawyers went over to her and discovered, yes, she was alive. One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this island for months now without a woman. It's been a long time. Do you think we should, you know ... screw her?"

The other lawyer glanced down at the totally naked woman and asked,
"Out of what?!!"

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"
The woman shakes her head no.
"Kin ya breathe?"
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"

Two novice Nuns were caught sneaking back in over the convent fence after curfew. When they were brought before the Father to confess their misdeed, they professed sorrow, saying,"Oh Father. We're so sorry we were out after hours"
The priest replies,"Don't worry Sisters. Sometimes I go out after mine, too."

A young boy went up to his father and asked him,
"Dad, what's the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great college!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl! replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million could buy?"

The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes, Sir. Potentially, we're sitting on three million
dollars, but realistically, we're living with two sluts and a queen.

Where's the P-car content?

Doctor Bob had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him: "Bob, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go...."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: "Bob, you're a vet."

THE LOST CHAPTER OF GENESIS:

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden
feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children. and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. "She will NEVER have a headache
and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

Of course the rest is history....................... http://www.pelicanparts.com/support/smileys/fles.gif

summer camp
Date: Tue, 27 Jul 2004 17:50:30 -0400





Our scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are OK. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Walt got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.

Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did, also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Walt gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Walt said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Walt is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Walt wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Walt isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets.

He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.

Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Walt said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison.

I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy bullets.

Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Your loving son,
Little Johnny

Did you hear about the guy who wanted to buy some camoflage pants?



He couldn't find any.

....or about the Polish Dracula?

He bit Dolly Parton....













......on the neck.

Q: What do you call a group of Polish guys with turbans?

A: PackofStanleys

So, how deep would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?

This miserable divorced poor bastard was sitting at his house, eating a microwave dinner, watching the typically awful evening news after a long day at his job as a garbageman.

There's a knock at the door.

He's not expecting anyone, so he's a bit miffed that he has to stand up.

But he does, and when he opens the door...

There's no one there.

In anger, he prepares to slam the door shut and resume eating that microwave dinner, but...

at the last second he notices a little snail on the doorstep, looking up at him with those big snail eyes and cutely waving his little snail antennae

But that bastard just kicked the snail off the doorstep with all his garbageman might, and the snail flew all the way across the street.

Some three years later, that sorry sap was sitting at that same table, eating very much the same meal, and watching the miserable evening news on an equally boring day, when...

There was a knock at the door.

Again, he was expecting no one, and had similar disdain for getting up after a long day of picking up trash. But he opened the door and found..

No one was there.

So he was mad.

He was about to slam the door as was his habitual reaction, when

He looked down to find the very same snail who said:

"Hey, what the hell was that for?"

Heavy drinker, 35. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and and starting fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the morning.


Bitter, disillusioned Dublinman, lately rejected by longtime fiancee, seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced *****es.


Ginger haired, a trouble-maker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes,maybe more.


Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage, seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady, with a lovely chest.


Devil-worshipper, seeks like-minded lady, for wining and dining , good conversation , dancing , romantic walks and slaughtering cats in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.


Limerickman, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM.


Optimistic man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year old double-jointed supermodel, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded twin sister.

The Republican National Committee announced today that the Republican Party is changing its emblem from an elephant to a condom.

The committee chairman explained that the condom more clearly reflects the party's stance today, because a condom accepts inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually getting screwed.

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has the generic name of acetaminophen. Aleve is called naproxen. Amoxil is also called amoxicillin >and Advil is also called ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixadud, dixafix and, of course, ibepokin.

Teacher: Write a short poem, using the word Timbuktu

Smart Kid: Across the burning desert sand
Came a traveling caravan.
Camels plodding, two by two,
Destination: Timbuktu

Wise A**: Tim and I, a-hiking we went.
Came upon three whores in a tent.
Not knowing just what to do, I bucked one,
And Timbuktu

What do you call 100,000 liberals moving to Canada?

A good start :D

Bush orders the Draft!
http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1100189876.jpg

What's the worst thing about eating vegetables?




Getting them back into the wheelchair.

hehe

sorry

These terms have been updated to fit today's times:

CEO: Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO: Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD &POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS 2000 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- an archaic word no longer in use.

What did the fish say after swimming into a brick wall?















'Dam'

Did you hear about the Pope's last visit to the United States?

When the Pope got off the plane, there was a beautiful limo there waiting for him. His holiness went over to the limo driver and told him that he had never driven a limo before, and he wanted to try it. The limo driver said OK.... (of course!)

The pope went driving around the city, and drove the wrong way down a one-way street. Two cops in a cruiser stopped the limo, and the first cop went up to talk to the driver, and the second stayed in the car.

Soon the first cop came back, looking a little pale.

"I can't give this guy a ticket", said the first cop.

"Why not? He drove the wrong way down a one-way street!", replied the second cop.

"Yes, but this guy's important!", responded cop1

"Well, is he more important than the mayor?", asked cop2.

"Oh yeah, he's more important than the mayor.", said cop1.

"Is he more important than the governor?", asked cop2.

"Yeah, he's more important than the governor.", replied cop1.

"Well, is he more important than the PRESIDENT of the UNITED STATES!?!", asked cop2.

"Oh yeah, he's much more important than the PRESIDENT of the UNITED STATES!", replied cop1.

Rather annoyed, cop2 asks, "Who the heck IS this guy that's more important than the PRESIDENT of the UNITED STATES!?!"

To this, cop1 replied, "Well, the POPE is driving, YOU figure out who's in the BACK SEAT!!!!!

BUYING A GIFT
 

A young man called Fergus wanted to purchase a gift for his new
sweetheart Sarah as they had not been together for very long and he wanted to
surprise her. After careful consideration he decided that a pair of gloves
would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal. Accompanied by
his sister he went to Harrods and bought a dainty pair of white gloves.
The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself at the same time.

During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two items and the
sister got the gloves and Fergus got the panties. Later, without thinking to
check the contents, he sent the package to his sweetheart with the following
note attached:

Dear Sarah,
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of
wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for my sister I
would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that
are easier to remove. I am aware that these are a delicate shade, but the
lady I bought them from showed me the pair that she had been wearing for
the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on
for me and she looked really smart even though they were a little tight on
her. She also told me that her pair helps to keep her ring clean and shiny;
in fact she had not needed to wash it since she had begun wearing them. I
wish I were there to put them on for you for the first time, as no doubt many
other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them before putting them
away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how
many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope that you will
wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love
Fergus

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur
showing.

Did you hear about the Jewish priest that gave free circumcisions?

He only took tips.

A true story:

A majorette my college roomate was dating got pulled over. The officer asked her if she'd ever had a citation and she answered "Why no officer, I've always had this Escort." She didn't understand why he laughed so hard, but at least she didn't get a ticket.

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up from her knitting she says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
She smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
"Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket," the driver responds.
His wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And, as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Only when he's been drinking, officer."

The End of Child Support
A little humorous "southern" story on child support:

Today my baby girl's 18th birthday..... I be so glad that this my last child support payment! Month after month, year after year, all those darn payments!
So I call my baby girl, LaKeesha, to come to my house, and when she get there, I say, "Baby girl, I want you to take this check over to yo momma house and tell her this be the last check she ever be gettin' from me, and I want you to come back and tell me the expression that's on yo mama's face."

So my baby girl she take the check over to her. I be anxious to hear what she say and what she look like. Baby girl walk through the door, I say, "Now what yo momma say 'bout that?"

She say to tell you that "you ain't my daddy...... and watch the
expression on yo face.

Boudreaux is in need of a new milk cow. He hears about a nice one for
sale over in Church Point. He drives over to Church Point, looks at
the cow, and reaches under to see if she gives milk.
When he grabs her closest teat and pulls, the cow farts. Boudreaux is
very surprised, looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, and reaches
under the cow to try again. So, he grabs another teat, pulls, and the
cow farts again. Milk does come out, however So, after some discussion, Boudreaux decides to buy the cow anyway and takes it home.Boudreaux calls his neighbor Thibodeaux over and says, "Come here and look at dis new cow I just bought. Pull her teat, and see what
happens."
Well, Thibodeaux reaches under and pulls; the cow farts. Thibodeaux
looks up at Boudreaux and says, "Did you buy dis cow in Church Point, Boudreaux?"
Boudreaux is very surprised and says, "dats right, how did ya know?"
Thibodeaux says, "My wife, she from Church Point too."

Guy sits down on the airplane and the other guy is laughing at something.
"What so funny bud?"

"Oh, I just a a Freudian Slip" out there at the gate. You know, Signumd Freud, say what you think, not what you mean?"

"Uhhh, no. What are you talking about?"

"Well, the clerk out there is this really nice blonde with schweet ta-tas. I was staring at them so intently, when she said, "Can I help you?" I replied, "Yes, I'd like a picket to Titsburg please!" Oh, I was so embarasses, but she laughed it off with me."

"Oh, yeah, I understand now. Say, the same thing happend to me today at breakfast. I was flipping through the newspaper, and was going to ask my wife to pass the sugar, but it came out as, "You crazy *****! You ruined my f*cking life!"

Q: What was the last thing Jesus said to everyone at the Last Supper?

http://www.ezthemes.com/previews/l/last_supper.jpg

A: "Okay, everybody get on this side of the table so you can be in the painting!"

Two animal researchers wanted to test what would happen if a pig developed a bowel blockage. Since they were low on funds, all they had was a cork, some safety glasses, and a trained monkey. For weeks, the trained the monkey to remove the cork from the pig, so the researchers could study the reaction. Then, the fed and fed and fed the pig. It ballooned into a giant, pink hog.

http://wilsonscc.com/Bubba%20Pig.jpg


The day arrived to pull the cork, and the monkey scampered of to do his job. A few seconds later, and there was a giant explosion and crap flying everywhere. When the emergency crews got the the site, the found the two researchers sitting in pig stink laughing as loud as they could. One rescue staff was told what happend, then asked, "What is so funny about that?" A researcher replied, "Oh, the funny part was watching the monkey try to put the cork back in!"

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars."

"Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?! "

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on Three
Million Dollars..............
but Realistically,......... we're living with two Sluts and a Queer.

A bear and a rabbit were out *****tin in the woods.
The bear yells over to the rabbit."Hey rabbit, you ever had a problem with ***** stickin to your fur?"
The rabbit replies " why no"
So the bear reaches over and wipes his ass with the rabbit.

Ok, with all the "left this" and "right that" on this board, this about killed me.... my side hurts... tears...

thanks ronin

Subject: Tickle Me Elmo

There is a factory in America which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new employee is
hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day
promptly at 8:00am.

The next day at 8:45am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's
door . The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins
to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly
slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production
line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so
the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the
line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the
factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by
mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge
bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric,
wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little
package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes
of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman "I'm
sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but
I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday".
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".

Guy sees and ad in the paper "Talking Dog - $20." So he calls and gets the address. He shows up and tells the woman that answers the door, "I called about the dog.." The woman says, "Yep, he's in the bedroom, go right in."

Sure enough, there in the bedroom is a white dog, lying on the bed watching Oprah on TV. The dog says "Hi, how'ya doin."

Stunned, the guy goes, "Wow, a real talking dog! What's your story?"

The dog rolls over and looks the guy in eyes and says, "Well, I was born in Northern California and was trained as a fire rescue dog, but that got a bit dangerous, so I thought I'd like a change of pace. I moved to France and became a mountain rescue dog, but the mountain climbing in winter was really hard on my paws and I didn't like lugging that brandy around my neck either. In fact, I started nipping on that brandy a bit, so much so that I ended up in a 12-step program. After that, I figured maybe a guide dog for the blind was a bit more my style. Then, after 9-11 happened, I volunteered to work with finding survivors, but since there weren't many, I got really depressed and lost most of my ambition. I've been retired now for almost four years, and mostly watch TV and sleep."

The guy is amazed and tells the dog, "You stay right there!" He runs out to the woman and says, "Here's your $20, I'll take him! He's absolutely amazing, why on earth are you selling him?"

The woman looks at the guy and says, "Because he's a BIG FAT LIAR!!!"

worst joke of the year:

What's the definition of relative humidity?

It's the sweat on your B@lls when you are Fu**ing your sister....

Religious differences...

1. Muslims do not recognize Judaism as a religion.


2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.


3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader

of the Christian faith.


4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.