A man was conducting an All Service member briefing one day, and he posed the question: “What would you do if you found a scorpion in your tent?”

A Navy sailor said, “I’d step on it.”

A Army soldier said, “I’d hit it with my boot.”

A Marine said, “I’d catch it, break the stinger off, and eat it.”

An Air Force airman said, “I’d call room service and find out why there’s a damn tent in my room.”

LOL! Yes, I've heard "Blue shirt civilian" mumbled my way a few times.

An old fellow was telling his barber it had been years since he had a good shave, since his cheeks were so wrinkled.
"No problem. "Said the barber and pulled a small wooden ball from a drawer. "Put this in your cheek."
With the ball to stretch his cheek the old fellow received the best shave in years. As he prepared to go, he inquired of the barber,
"That was a pretty small ball. What would you do if I swallowed it?"
"No problem, "replied the barber, "I 'd just wait a couple of days for you to bring it back, like everyone else. "

Best
Les

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, “Are you going to San Diego?”

“Sure,” answered the blonde, “do you need a lift?”

“Not for me. I’ll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck.

My problem is I’ve got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They’re a bit stressed already so I don’t want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I’ll give you $100 for your trouble.”

“I’d be happy to,” said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde’s car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. “What are you doing here?” he demanded, “I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.”

“Yes, I know you did,” said the blonde. “But we had money left over so now we’re going to Sea World.”

At a wedding ceremony the pastor asked 'if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace'.

The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child. She stood up and started walking slowly towards the pastor.
Everything quickly turned to chaos. The bride threw the bouquet and burst out crying. Then slowly the groom's mother fainted. The Best Men started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.
The pastor asked the woman, "Can you tell us, why you came forward?
What do you have to say?"
There was absolute silence in the church.
The woman replied, "We can't hear at the back."

A thief
> in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.
>
>
After
careful

> planning, he
>
> got past
>
> security,
>
> stole the
>
> paintings and
>
> made it safely to his van.
>
> However, he
> was captured
>
> only two
> blocks away
>
> when his van
> ran out of
> gas.
>

When
> asked how he

> could

> mastermind

such a crime
>
and then make
>
such an
>
obvious error,


he replied,

"Monsieur,

> that is the

> reason I stole
>
> the
> paintings.”
>
>
> "I
> had no Monet
>
>
> to
>
> buy Degas
>
>
>
> to
>
> make the Van
>
> Gogh.”
>

> See
if you have


>De
> Gaulle to

send this on to someone else.

>
> sent it to you
> because I
> figured I had
> nothing

> Toulouse.

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.
“Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?” I asked.
Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She was "only thinking of me", she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the guys.
I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.
I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.
She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 78 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Mom, where are your glasses?!
This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"Oh man, I'm in trouble again,” I said, “I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!"
The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.
Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.

THE ORIGIN OF THE OLYMPICS

I am sure you won't find this on Snopes....so just take my word for it.

2500 years ago a slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee (pronounced Get-offa'-me) was attending a great athletic festival in Greece. This festival had no name. In those days the athletes performed naked (believe it or not).

To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on drink containing saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events.

At the opening ceremonial parade, Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked athletic males marching toward her and she exclaimed:

"Oh! Limp pricks!" Over the next two and a half millennia that expression morphed into "Olympics".

Just thought I'd share this new-found knowledge with you.

Tragedy
 

Nicola Sturgeon was visiting a Scottish primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mrs Sturgeon if she would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

So the illustrious SNP leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'.
A little boy stood up and offered, "If ma best freen, wha’ lives on a ferm, is playin' in the field and a tractor rins ower him and kills him, that wid be a tragedy."
"Incorrect", said Nicola, in her best trying-not-to-sound-too-patronising-Scottish-accent, "That would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand, "If a school bus kerryin' fifty children drove ow’r a cliff, killing a'body inside, that wid be a tragedy"
'I'm afraid not', explained Nicola, "that's what we would refer to as a great loss’’.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Nicola searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, a wee lad raised his hand and, in a quiet voice, said: "If a plane kerryin' you and your deputy ' wiz struck by a 'freendly fire' missile & blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Nicola, "and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Weel", says the lad, "it has tae be a tragedy, because it certainly widnae be a great loss, and it probably widnae be an accident either!"

When I was young in the1970s, I decided I wanted to a be doctor so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School.


One of the questions asked us was to rearrange the letters


PNEIS


into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered 'spine' are doctors today.

The rest of us are sending jokes via email.

This is not a PARF joke!!!!!!



Donald and Hillary Go Into A Bakery on the Campaign Trail
As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket.

She says to Donald, "See how clever I am?
The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie.”
I will definitely win the election.

Donald says to Hillary, "That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit.
I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."

Donald goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."

Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry.
Trump swallows it and asks for another one.
The owner gives him another one.
Then Donald asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastries?"

Trump replies, "Look in Hillary's pocket"...

A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl in Houston on February 5th. They are box seats that include airfare and hotel accommodations.

He didn't realize when he bought them that this is the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.

If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's February 5, 2017 at St Peter's Church in New York City at 5 p.m.

Her name is Kim. She will be the one in the white dress.

Being nervous, and embarrassed about my upcoming colonoscopy on a recommendation, I decided to have it done while visiting friends in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly more gentle and accommodating.

As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure.

"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," the nurse told me.

"I haven't got an erection," I replied.

"No, but I have," replied the nurse.
Don't get a colonoscopy in San Francisco.

spammer wiohnt reported

Apparently he is OK...

Copied from a felow on the Smokstak:


Pastor's Business Card

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10..'

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.' Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'

Not sure if you are being sarcastic - since your response is not in green font.
He's not okay. There are about 4 embedded links in his "joke" pointing to URLs.

I don't think it needed to be green to get the gist of it... Plus the "green" is hard to read.

Back to the thread:

2 Mods walk into a bar...

They were off their Rockers!

(Sorry. Bad pun from the music scene in the UK 50 years ago!):D
Best
Les

The third one ducks.

"The third one ducks"
Were it ducking the Pelicans?

Best
Les

He is gone...

In a recent survey carried out for the leading toiletries firm 'Brut', people from Detroit have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower In the survey, 86% of Detroit's inner city residents (almost all of whom are registered Democrats) say that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.

The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.

Sort of brings tears to your eyes.

True story: Last time I renewed my driver's license in Ohio, the lady behind the counter instructed me to place my forehead against the vision testing machine ( in front of her) and push gently to activate the blinking light .
When nothing happened, she said "push harder"...but there was still no light !
"You are not pushing hard enough " was the last comment she made before the whole machine ended up in her lap.
It turns out: my forehead contour is uncommon ( I am not referring to the two small horns by the way).


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

A guy was lying next to his smashed up bicycle in the middle of an intersection. I rushed up to him and said "Have an accident?" He said "No thanks, I've just had one."

Perks of reaching 60 or being over 70 and heading towards 80!

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 8 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 5 PM .
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
11. You can't remember who sent you this list.
12. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

(OK this is not really a joke, just a list of funny things)

A guy goes to see the doctor and says "Doc, I've got this situation. Girlfriend comes around on Friday, ex wife is coming around on Saturday, and on Sunday the wife will get back home pretty horny."

Doctor says "Don't worry I have something for you." and gives him three viagras.

On Monday the guy goes back to the doctor with his wrist bandaged up and his arm in a sling.

The doctor asks "What happened?!!!"

Guy replies "No one turned up."

The circus came to town and I'd heard the human cannonball guy got fired. So I went in and applied for the job. They looked me up and down and said "No, we are looking for a certain caliber of man."

How do you know when a deadhead/hippie has been to your house ?
He is still there ..

A little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies "I'm a U.S. Marine, a Republican and I'm voting for Trump".

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

** U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT & STEALS HIS LUNCH. **


And THAT pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.

It happened at a New York Airport. This is hilarious. I wish I had the guts of this girl. An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in New York for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. For all of you out there who have had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.

A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14".

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "F*** You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, you'll have to get in line for that too."

Sex & Calories…

They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles.

Who the hell runs 8 miles in 60 seconds?

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8 year
old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony
with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities...


He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.

"An ambulance just drove by!"


"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.


"Matt's riding a new bike!"


"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"


"Jason is on his skate board!"


After a few moments he announced...

"The Coopers are having sex."

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed.

Dad cautiously called out..."How do you know they're having sex?"


“Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

Math Teachings In Chicago
Schools are finally starting to teach practical math that these kids can use in real-world situations! So much for Dick and Jane - that's old school.
QUIZ:
NAME__________________________________

GANG/CREW NAME_______________________

CRIB__________________________________

1. Lajames gots an AK-47 wif a 100-round drum. He usually misses 6 of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many mofos can Lajames ice on a drive-by befo he gotta reload?

2. Willie has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what be the street value of the rest of his ****?

3. Dwayne pimps 3 ho's. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Dwayne's $800 per day Crack habit?

4. Raul wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to gets the 20% upside?

5. Ray-Ray gets $2000 for a stolen BMW, $1500 for stealing a Corvette, and $1000 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he steal to make the $10k for his brother's bail?

6. Pedro got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?

7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with three 8 oz. Cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?

8. Tyrone knocked up 4 girls in the gang. Theys be’s 20 girls in his gang. What be the percentage of *****es Tyrone knocked up?

9. Lafawnda is a lookout for the gang. Lafawnda also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 5 rats per week and a cost of $5 per rat. If Lafawnda makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed her snake with one week's income?

10. Marvin steals Juan's skateboard. As Marvin skates away at 15mph, Juan loads his 357 Magnum piece. If it takes Juan 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?

A cixelsyd deklaw otni a rab.

^^dna thgouht eh was dog

A father told his 3 children when he sent them to college:

"I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die.

And so it happened, one became a doctor, one a lawyer, and one a financial planner, each very financially successful. When their father's time had come, and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish.

First, it was the doctor who put 10 newly printed, crisp $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased. Then, came the financial planner, who also placed $1,000 in cash there.

Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. She dipped into her purse, took out her checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, placed it into her father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.

I retired from my long successful career, but became bored. I decided to accept a low-paid but stress-free job as a greeter at the local home improvement store. After landing my new job as a greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.
Here is my story…
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, and inappropriately dressed woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. Here is her picture.

http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1477061526.jpg

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome." I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling at the children just long enough to say to me, "Of course they aren't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one' s only 5. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just ****ing stupid?"

I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam... I just couldn't believe someone would **** you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping with us".

My Supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

PGA Major Rules Change Announced to Honor Arnold Palmer

As his final request, Arnold Palmer has suggested that the golf term "bad lie"
would be more descriptive if called .......... "A Hillary." Today, the PGA has
honored Arnold's request and officially approved "A Hillary" in the lexicon
of golf terms.