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An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them.

She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. She walked up to the group and with a big smile said: "and do you men know Jesus Christ?" They shook their heads and looked at each other very confused.

One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?" One of the steelworkers yelled down 'why'? The worker yelled back, "Cos his wife's here with his lunch"

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacrame nto"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

Q: Why don't blind people skydive?


A: It scares the dog too much.

Why do women skydivers wear pants?


So they don't whistle on the way down

Gynecologist's Assistant

A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown Charleston and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.

Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist.

You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.

The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Greer, SC. That's about 250 miles from here."

"Good grief, is that where the job is?"

"No sir. That's where the end of the line is right now."

That reminds me of the old Woody Allen joke. He says he got a job sweeping up the dressing room of the Rockettes at the Radio City Music Hall.

The pay was $100 a week. It would have been more, but that was all he could afford.

Last night I was talking to a young, good looking woman.

She asked me if I liked breasts or legs.

I told her what I really liked was a shaved . . .

Apparently I'm not welcome back at KFC.

Ian

A woman asks her husband at breakfast-time: "Would you like some bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast, some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something: "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything: "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "....Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving!"

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's' voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner my Love? Chicken, beef or lamb?"

I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

She replied "You're having soup, *******. I was talking to the cat."

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser.. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome'sTiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further.. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class.. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"






He said: "Who the F**k did your hair?"

was in reference to a deleted message

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.

'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'

The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Marys.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'

'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.

'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Marys.;

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart... just enough to reveal that she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,

'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.

Here is a riddle for the true intellectual. Try to come up with the answer on your own.

The answer is at the bottom of the email for those who are unable to think this one through.

Here's the riddle:

At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite sides of the earth.

One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor.

The other is getting oral sex from an 85-year-old toothless woman.

They are both thinking the exact same thing... What are they both thinking?































































Don't look down!

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http://s3.amazonaws.com/theoatmeal-i...ano_name/2.png

That's funnier than hell! No joke this time..sorry...

Many apologies in advance if this is a repost....anyway even if it is; it is funny enough for an encore....


The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do..
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response

Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations..
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
Correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts..
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task..
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,

V. Gina

Ed and Dorothy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Dorothy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Dorothy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Dorothy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem, for us, you'd better say so now!"

Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, " Ed , that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that about the last five years I've been a hooker."

"I see," Ed replied thoughtfully. He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

"As good as this Pub is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back
home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes
out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth
drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "at my local spot in London , the Red Lion,
the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub,
the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another,
all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks,
they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman
swore every word was true.

"Did this actually happen to you?"

"Well, not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to
me sister quite a few times."

Supes on a roll!

An Aussie (probably named Terry) walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a lead.

"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."
He says.

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep,
Not a cow."


The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous #$%*,
You'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

Two radical Arab terrorists boarded a flight out of London.

One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.. Just before takeoff, a rabbi sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff the rabbi kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.' 'Don't get up,' said the rabbi, 'I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the rabbi's shoe and spat in it. When the Rabbi returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one, too.'

Again, the rabbi obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the rabbi`s other shoe and spat in it.

When the rabbi returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the rabbi slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbours:

'Why does it have to be this way?

'How long must this go on?

‘This fighting between our nations?



'This hatred?



'This animosity?



'This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'

Howard and his wife go to their doctor for a checkup. The Howie goes in first. "How're you doing?" asks the doctor.

"Pretty good," answers Howard. "I'm eating well, and I'm still in control of my bowels and bladder. In fact, when I get up at night to pee, the good Lord turns the light on for me."

The doctor decides not to comment on that last statement, and goes into the next room to check on his wife.

"How're you feeling?" he asks.

"I'm doing well," answers the old woman. "I still have lots of energy and I'm not feeling any pain."

The doctor says, "That's nice. It sounds like you and your husband are both doing well. One thing though - your husband said that when he gets up to pee at night, the good Lord turns the light on for him. Do you have any idea what he means?"

"Oh No," says the woman, "He's peeing in the refrigerator again."

Might be a repost, but pretty funny.


10 Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life


1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home.


2. It's important to have a woman who cooks from time to time.


3. It's important to have a woman who keeps the house clean.


4. It's important to have a woman who has a job.


5. It's important to have a woman who likes you.


6. It's important to have a woman who can be your very best friend.


7. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.


8. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, who doesn't lie to you.


9. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed.


10. It's very, very important that these nine women do not know each other


Sincerely,


Tiger Woods

Now I understand...................



On his death bed, Earl Woods gave Tiger the following advice:

"Focus on golf… **** everything else."

A man is walking in the park and comes upon a man hugging a tree. He stops and asks the man what he is doing. The man responds the tree is singing to him and that if he hugs the tree with his ear up to it he will hear the tree singing.

So the man wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear to the bark. Meanwhile the man handcuffs him to the tree, strips him and steals his wallet and car keys.

A bit later another man comes along and finds him. He asks what happened and the man tells the story of how he was robbed. The man kisses him on the ear and tells him I guess this ain't your day cupcake.

I think I hurt myself laughing...

Stop me if you've heard this before . . .


A man walks into a bar with a box, sits down and orders a shot of whiskey. The bartender gives the man his drink and, as he walks away, hears the man open the box and groan before putting the lid back on.

This happens several times. Finally, the bartender becomes curious enough to speak with the man. Handing him another shot, he asks, "Hey, buddy, what's in the box?"

The man agrees to show the bartender for a free drink and, after the bartender agrees, opens the lid of the box- exposing a tiny man playing a baby grand piano.

The bartender is astounded; he watches the pianist play for a moment before asking the man how he came about the little man. The man explained that he found a magic bottle, rubbed on it a few times and was granted a wish by the genie inside.

The bartender requests a chance to make a wish and, after agreeing to yet even more free liquor for the customer, is handed the magic bottle. He rubs the bottle as hard as he can and sure enough, a genie appears and tells the man he'd grant him one wish.

"I wish," says the bartender, "for one million bucks!"

The genie nods and disappears. The bartender impatiently waits for his wish to be granted as the man with the box continues downing shots.

Five minutes later, the bar door opens and a duck walks in. A few seconds behind the first duck, a second and third follow. Shortly thereafter, a steady stream of ducks begin filling the bar from floor to ceiling. All of the patrons in the bar run out the back as the ducks begin cramming themselves into the establishment.

The bartender grows frantic. "What the hell is this," he cries, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

The man at the bar throws back his last shot and, with a shake of his head, says, "Do you really think I wished for a ten-inch pianist?"

LOL! Pretty funny Cayman. :D

Sorta related:

A happy drunk happens by a river baptism. The preacher spots the drunk and calls him over. "Would you like to be saved?" asks the preacher. "Sssure..." stumbles the drunk. He walks over to the preacher in waist deep water and is immediately dunked. "Have you found Jesus!?" yells the preacher. The drunk shakes his head. Once more he is violently submerged. "Now tell me...have you found Jesus?!?" repeats the preacher. Once again, the drunk shakes his head. Again, the preacher dunks the drunk and holds him under for a good amount of time. He brings him up and yells once more..."NOW TELL ME...HAVE YOU FOUND JEE-SUS??".

The drunk, gasping for air, looks at the preacher and sputters "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.



Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.



Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?

A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'

Little fire fighter
 

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

Theory of Intelligence
 

The Theory of Intelligence

I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this. (From the TV show, Cheers)




'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I will drink to that!

This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you.

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid.
You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.
Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times.
This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home.
Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom,
And run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.



Sincerely,
The Dog

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies,"There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is,now git out there and fix it."

So Pa mosies out to the outhouse,looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!

"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?!"

amykurtz04@gmail.com

LOOK OUT GUYS.




A woman & her boyfriend are having a few drinks. She starts talking about this really great new drink and wants to order it for him. He gives in. The bartender puts a salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, & a shot of lime juice on the bar. She explains, "First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys & hold it in your mouth, & finally you drink the lime juice." He goes along to please her. He puts the salt on his tongue-salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys-smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks, "This is OK." Finally he picks up the lime juice & drinks it. In 1 sec the sharp lime taste hits. At 2 secs the Baileys curdles. At 3 secs the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like consistency hits. At 4 secs it feels as if his mouth is full of nasty salty snot. When he finally chokes it down he says yuck what do u call that drink?

She smiles widely and says "Blow Job Revenge"

Two guys, Bobby and Jimbo, just got laid off at the panty hose factory in town and have interviews set up back to back, at another plant down the road.

Jimbo goes in for his interview while Bobby waits in the truck.

The interviewer asks him what he did at the plant in town.

"I thoughed the crotthes in panny hoeth."

After determining where he could be of use, they hired him to work in the janitorial department. They offered him full time @ $7.25 per hour.

Elated, Jimbo says, "I see ya fird fing monnay mornin, 8 AM!".

He walks out to the truck and tells Bobby the good news. Bobby feeling pretty good about his chances walks in. The interviewer asks him what he did at the plant down the road.

"I was a diesel fitter."

Perplexed, they didn't know why he might be looking for a job there, but did have an opening in the maintenance crew making $14.25, an hour, full time with benefits.

Bobby replies, "I see ya fird fing monnay mornin, 8 AM!", then heads out to the truck. The two discuss the hiring and ask,

"What dey paying you?"

Jimbo is pissed, he barges back into the interviewers office and demanded,

"How come you payin me seden wennie phi an hour and you payin Bobby foateen wenny phi, pruss ensuance?"

The interviewer replies that Bobby was more qualified, he had held a more prestigious position, which was a bit more technical than sewing crotches in panty hose.

Jimbo is irate and replies, "What?!?!? I doughn thine you unnerstand what we did".

The interviewer ask, "Well what did you and Bobby do, and why is this so troubling?"

Jimbo says, "I'm upset bacause you offed Bobby more dan me, it aint wight, I hath more sperience!"

Please explain, Jimbo, was the response.

I'll tell ya dith, dith is what we did, I thoughed the crotthes in da panny hoeth, an he thuck them over hith head and thed,

"Diesel fitter!"