A guy comes home from work and finds his girlfriend waiting with her bags packed. He asks, "What's wrong? Where are you going?"

She says, "The neighbors told me you were a pedophile!"

The guy says, "Hold on there missy! That's an awfully big word for a 10-year-old."

Guy comes home and says "Honey, pack your bags! I just won the lottery!" Wife says "Should I pack summer or winter clothes?" Husband says "I don't care, as long as you're out of the house by midnight!"

While at the zoo on a beautiful Sunday morning little Johnny observes the elephants and asks his mom a few questions,

"Mom, what is that hanging down from the elephant?"
"Johnny that's his trunk, you know, he eats with it and makes sounds with it".
"No Mom, not the trunk, I know what the trunk is, the other thing near his butt."
"Oh, that's his tail, you know, he brushes flys away with it".
"No Mom, not the tail, I know what the tail does, the other thing hanging down".
"That's nothing Johnny, nothing!"

Johnny's Dad returns after picking up a few things at the snack bar.

"Dad?
"Yes Johnny."
"Dad, what is that hanging down from the elephant?"
"Johnny that's his trunk, you know, he eats with it and makes sounds with it".
"No Dad, not the trunk, I know what the trunk is, the other thing near his butt."
"Oh, that's his tail, you know, he brushes flys away with it".
"No Dad, not the tail, I know what the tail does, the other thing hanging down".
"Oh.......that.
"Mom says that's nothing!"

"Well,......... that's because your mother's spoiled Johnny!"

SEX AFTER DEATH?

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the
other if there was sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no
after-life at all.


After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact: "Judy..........Judy"

"Is that you, George?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful!? What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex.

I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.

I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.

Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens).

Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.

After supper, it's back to golf course again.

Then it's more sex until late at night.

I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, George, are you in Heaven?"



“No, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver
won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: 'I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, ' My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to
see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you
could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.' She responds,
'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to
be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'


'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.' The nun fulfills his
fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' said the nun, 'Why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and
I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween
party.'

This is good regardless of what side you're on....................
might have already been posted here...but worth a repost






President Bush, decides to leave the Ranch and go out to sit in a local Crawford bar.



A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Bush sitting at the end of the bar?'

The bartender says, 'Yep, that's him.' So the guy walks over and says,

'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?'

Bush says, ' I'm planning WW III.'

The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'

Bush says, 'Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big breasts.

The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big breasts?

Why kill a blonde with big tits?'

Bush turns to the bartender and says,

'See, I told you, no one gives a **** about the 140 million Muslims'.

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

I think its a good idea to make a joke thread bcoz it make laugh the peoples :D:D:D
I post a joke:

3 guys were riding in a car: a hardware technician, a systems analyst, and a programmer. The systems analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have failed and the car is accelerating out of control.

So, the driver pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels' rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The three climb out and assess the situation.

Hardware tech: "Let's try and fix it. I'll crawl under the car and take a look. "

Systems analyst: "No. I think we should get someone qualified to fix it, a specialist in brakes."

Programmer: "Why don't we just get back in and see if it happens again?"

Three nuns from the same convent all die on the same day and before they can get into heaven they meet St. Peter at the pearly gates and he says before any of them can gain access they need to wash the part of their body that has been touched by a penis with a cup of holy water.

The first nun steps up and uses the water to wash her hands.

The second nun is about to grab the cup but the third nun rushes to St. Peter and says ”if you think I am going to gargle with that water after SHE puts her ass in it, you are all crazy.”

Life in reverse
 

Have you ever wondered if life would be better backwards?


You'd start out dead and get it out of the way.

Then, wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.

You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, when you start working, they throw a party & you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School.

You go to primary school, you become a kid , you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day …


And then, your life ends as an orgasm.

SmileWavy

TEXAS DEPUTY SHERIFF vs. SMART ASS LAWYER



Only in Texas my friends...Only in Texas ....Too bad...

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston , TX . He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

The deputy says, 'License and registration, please.'

'What for?' says the lawyer...

The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please.'
The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!' the Deputy repeats..

Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket... If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'

God Bless Texas ........

Two rednecks are drinking in a bar.

One says, "Did you know that elks have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"

"Aw, crap..." says his friend, "and I just joined the VFW!"

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice
insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands
would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening
classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached,
the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks,
and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to
find that he had obtained a score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying,
"I don't want to appear ungrateful for such
an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an
error in the grade?"

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took
the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50%
of the total mark.
You put the engine back together again
perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an
extra 50% because you did it all through the
muffler, which I've never seen done in my
entire career"

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement,
a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a
button.The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small
room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small
numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number,
and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped
out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said
quietly to his son.....

'Go get your Mother'

*HISTORY OF PROFILING*

The day it all started was March 6, 1836. On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo. He then walked up to the observation post along the west wall of the fort.

William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall. These three great men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving toward them. With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said: "Jim, are we having some landscaping done today?"

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was
trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated ... . She asked the
teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.
Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

Was she hot??????????????????

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school Playground and
go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt
Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain
himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. "Mommy, I was at
the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I
went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he
helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his
pants off, then Aunt Jane..."

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an
interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I
want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his
story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw
Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he
was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy
started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when
Daddy was in the Army."

Mommy fainted!



Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole Story before you
interrupt!

The wife and I were at home watching TV.

I had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

She became more and more annoyed and finally said:

"For God's sake! Leave it on the porn channel!

You already know how to fish!"

THE RECESSION HITS EVERYBODY


I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are sleeping with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

Dead Cow Study:

First-year students at Texas A&M Vet school were attending their first
anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the
surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary Medicine it
is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is
that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body".

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in
the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually
took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on
it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The
second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and
sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough,
but it's even tougher if you're stupid.."

Movie By Math



This is pretty amazing. Mine turned out to be "Raiders of the Lost Ark". I



was surprised how this worked. Be honest and don't look at the movie list



till you have done the math!



Try this test and find out what movie is your favorite. This amazing math



quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most. Don't



ask me how, but it really works!



Movie Test:



Pick a number from 1-9.



Multiply by 3.



Add 3.



Multiply by 3 again.



Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favorite movie in the



list of 18 movies below.



Movie List:



1. Gone With The Wind



2. E.T.



3. Beverly Hills Cop



4. Star Wars



5. Forrest Gump



6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly



7. Jaws



8. Grease



9. The Joy of Anal Sex With A Goat



10. Casablanca



11. Jurassic Park



12. Shrek



13. Pirates of the Caribbean



14. Titanic



15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark



16. Home Alone



17. Mrs. Doubtfire



18. Toy Story



Now, ain't that something.....?

SPOILER ALERT
Mathmatically what you're doing is 9(x+1) if x is the number you pick. Multiples of 9 have the strange habit of the individual digits adding up to 9. If you pick 4, you get 9 times 5 = 45. 4+5=9. If you pick 8, 9 times 9 is 81, 8 + 1 = 9.

So I'm a nerd. What of it?

Never Lose Your Grandson!

A heartwarming story.



My small grandson got lost at the shopping mall..........

He approached a uniformed security guard and said,
"I've lost my grandpa!"

The guard asked, "What's his name?"

"Grandpa"

The guard smiled, then asked, "What's he like?"

The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Jack Daniels whiskey, and women with big tits."

JOKE OF THE YEAR

Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.

He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me
into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone. He
approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice
close to my ear. "Just relax." Without warning, he reached down and I felt
his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving
upward along my calves slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I
knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so
experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a
slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his
knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my
firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching,
knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down
my tingling spine and into my panties. Although I knew nothing about this
man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant.
This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not
used to taking `no' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A
man who would look into my soul and say ...





"Okay, ma'am," said a voice. "All done." "You can board your flight
now."

> WHEN TO START CUSSING!
>
> A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. The 6
year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started
cussing."The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues,"When we
go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with "hell" and you
say something with "ass".
>
> The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
>
> When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he
wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some
Cheerios".
>
> WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor,
gets up,and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot
pursuit,slapping his rear with every step. His mom shut him in his room and
shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
>
> She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with
a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
>>
> "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be
Cheerios!"

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the river when he decided to take a leak.
He walked over to a tree and propped up his shotgun.
Just then a strong gust of wind blew and the gun fell over and discharged... shooting him in the balls.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be okay.The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your johnson. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."
"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly." answered the doctor, "She's a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eyes".

Pete had an embarrassing twitch in his eye.
He had tried everything to get rid of it!
At last he found a Chinese doctor who told him that a regular dose of aspirin would fix his problem!
When he returned, Dr Woo asked him how he was progressing?
"No damn good!" said Pete.
"Every time I go into the drug store and ask for a packet of aspirin, they give a box of damned condoms!"

I dialed a number and got the following recording:** **
"I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."

**************************************************
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends!"

**************************************************
A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother."
Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER."

**************************************************
What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress.

**************************************************
Husband asks, "Do you know the meaning of WIFE??*
"Without Information Fighting Everytime"
Wife replies, "No, It means, "With Idiot For Ever" !"*

**************************************************
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?*
Stress is when wife is pregnant,*
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,*
and Panic is when both are pregnant.*

**************************************************
A woman asks man who is traveling with six children,
"Are all these kids yours?"*
The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these
are customer complaints".

**************************************************
A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?"*
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that.
Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential."

**************************************************
Nominated as the best short joke this year...
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.

"Morning Sex"

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly," You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen, table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)


I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door
Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here's how it all went..

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and
Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story :
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,






(you are going to love this)









"What's for dinner, Zorro?"