There I was, just sitting at the bar staring at my drink, minding my own business, when a large, trouble making, half drunk biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, watcha' gonna do about it? he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, " I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life", I said. "I'm a complete failure, I was late to a meeting, and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen, and I don't have theft insurance. I left my wallet in the cab that took me home. When I got there, I found my wife in our bed with another man and then my dog bit me"
So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.
I buy a drink - I drop a capsule in, and I sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!
But hell, enough about me - how are you doing?"

RETIRED/BORED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her shopping trips. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Garvin,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Garvin, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the anti-depressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels on his chest.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, he yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a
fetal position and screamed 'OHNO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'



15. October 24: Took a box of condoms to the check out clerk and asked where the fitting room was?


And last, but not least:

16. October 25: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

These fit so well that they should be in a dictionary.

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: A grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

And Lastly, WRINKLES: Something other people have, similar to my character lines.

Cheers
JB

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher... said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this ****ing badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......

"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR ****ING BADGE!"

Just wanted to let you know - today I received my Fiscal Cliff Survival Pack from the White House.

It contained a parachute, an 'Obama Hope & Change' bumper sticker, a 'Bush's Fault' poster, a 'Blame Boehner' poster, a "Tax the Rich' poster, an application for unemployment, an application for food stamps, a prayer rug, a letter of assignation of debt to my grandchildren, and a machine to blow smoke up my ass.

All directions were in Spanish.

Keep an eye out. Yours should arrive soon.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.

Finally

I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and D+G tie, leans out of the window and asks the shepherd,

"If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers,

"Sure. Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. They young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulae. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full colour, 150 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturised HP LaserJet printer, and finally turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep." says the shepherd.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the shepherd says to the young man,
"Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,

"Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant." says the shepherd.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required" answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you know jack ***** about my business... "

" ... Now give me back my dog"

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.

She knocked on the door and then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in- law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?!" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in- law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home.

He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress." she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

He never heard the gunshot.

Palm Pilot? Whoa -- 1997 called, they want their joke back.

-Z-man.

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square.
Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.

I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back.
On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here, ' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers.
I'm an internationally famous golfer now.'
He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states.

'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job.
How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.

Bubba is driving down a back road in TEXAS ..

A sign in front of a restaurant reads:
HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL

Lobster Tail and Beer

"Lordy have mercy!" he says to himself, "Them's THREE of my favorites!"

An old prospector shuffled into town leading a tired old mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.

He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey
Old MAN, have you ever danced?"

the old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "no, I never did dance... Never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "well, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old man prospector - not wanting to get his toe blown off -started hopping around. Everybody was laughing.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still
laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old man and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No Sir... But... I've always wanted to."

THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS FOR US ALL HERE:

1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old men; they didn't get old by being stupid...

A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him.

The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant ( FA ) walks down the aisle past the man and his seatmate. "Hey, *****," said the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!"

The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle and the parrot pipes up again: "Goddammit, you lazy whore where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!"

Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink.

Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself.

"Hey, slut," says the man, "get me a dry martini. And don't drag your sorry ass - I want it right now!"

The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane.
In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants.

The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the
emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20,000 feet.

As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man,

"Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls."

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "screw it, soldier on!"

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100 meter final. I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?" "No," she said, "Eight black men and a gun."

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

What's the difference between mexican and black jokes? Nothing, once you've heard juan you've heard jamal.

Q: Whats the difference between a ginger and a brick? A: At least a brick gets laid.

Q: How does every Redhead joke begin? A: By looking over your shoulder!

Q: What do you call a gay Ginger? A: Flaming. Q: What's the difference between a ginger and a vampire? A: One is a pale, bloodsucking creature that avoids the sun. The other is a vampire.

Q: Why are the Harry Potter films unrealisitc? A: A ginger kid has 2 friends! Q: How many Ginger people does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. They prefer to sit in the dark.

Q: What do redheads and McDonald's have in common? A: You've never had it so good and so fast. Q: What do you call it when a redhead goes off the deepend? A: a ginger snap.

Q: What do gingers look forward to later on in life? A: Grey Hair

Q: What do you call a redheaded ninja? A: a ginga

Q: What's the difference between ginger pussy and a bowling ball? A: You could eat a bowling ball if you had to.

Q: Why are ginger kids lucky? A: They get their own room when they stay at Michael Jackson's house

Q: How can two redheads become invisible in a crowd of three? A: When they're with a blonde.

Q: Why do redheads take the pill? A: Wishful thinking. Q: What do you call a redhead with an attitude? A: Normal.

Q: What's shorter than an Asian's dick? A: a Ginger's temper.

Q: What book will never make a woman wet? A: 50 Shades of Ginger.

Q: What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart if you’re a redhead? A: Through his ribcage.

Q: What’s the advantage of a blond over a redhead? A: You can at least ignore a blond safely.

Q: How do you get a redhead’s mood to change? A: Wait 10 seconds.

Q: What’s the difference between dating a redhead and putting your hand in a blender? A: There’s always a 50/50 chance the blender isn’t on.

Q: What do you call a good looking man with a redhead? A: A hostage.

Q: What do you call a redhead with a blond on either side? A: An interpreter.

Q: Why was the first football pitch sketched out on a redhead's chest? A: They needed a level playing field.

Q: Why are redheads flat chested? A: It makes it easier to read their T- shirts

Q: What do gingers miss most about a great party? A: The invitation.

Q: What's worst than Eric Cartman making fun of Gingers on November 9th, 2005 in Season 9 Episode 11: Ginger Kids? A: Being a Ginger Kid and having to go to school on November 10th, 2005!

Q: What do you call a redhead with large breasts? A: A mutant.

Q: What is the difference between a redhead and a computer? A: Redhead won’t accept a three and a half inch

Q: What’s the difference between a redhead and a lawyer? A: There’s some things even a lawyer won’t do to people.

Q: How do you know when you’ve satisfied a redhead? A: She unties you

Q: When do you call a Ginger sexy? A: If she's a brunette named Ginger. Q: Why don't gingers visit Pamplona, Spain in July? A: Running of the Bulls

Q: What do you call a ginger at a party? A: Unwelcome.

Q: What do redheads and McDonald’s have in common? A: You’ve never had it so good and so fast.

Q: What do you call an attractive male with a Ginger lady? A: a gigolo.

Q: What do you get when you mix Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Doughboy together? A: A red headed ***** with a yeast infection.

Q: What’s safer: a redhead or a piranha? A: The piranha. They only attack in schools.

Q: Why aren’t there any more redhead jokes? A: Someone told them to a redhead.

Q: How do you get a redhead to argue with you? A: Say something like "I’m one of those males who love redheads... jokes."

Q: What do you call a Redhead with an attitude? A: Normal

Q: Why are gingers like guns? A: Keep one around long enough, and you re goin to want to shoot it.

Q: Why is it called the Virgin Islands? A: Only Gingers live there!

Q: Why did God invent colour blindness? A: So someone will fancy the ginger kids.

Q: What do you call a soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of red hair between his two front teeth? A: A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER

Q: What's the difference between a dead possum on the road and a dead ginger? A: The possum was probably on its way to meet friends!

Q: What do you call a redhead who Masterbates more than twice a day? A: A Terrorwrist

Q: What kind of beds do Gingers sleep on? A: Temper-pedics. Q: What do you call a Ginger in a Porn film? A: Cameraman.

Q: Whats the difference between a terrorist and a ginger? A: You can negotiate with a terrorist!

Q: What's the best thing about being Ginger? A: You know you weren't adopted.

Q: Why do gingers burn when they go out in the sun? A: Natural selection.

Q: What's the difference between a shoe and a ginger? A: A shoe has a soul.

Q: What’s the difference between dating a redhead and putting your hand in a blender? A: There’s always a 50/50 chance the blender isn’t on.

Q: How do you know when a redhead has been using a computer? A: There’s a hammer embedded in the monitor

Q: What's the only thing redheads drink? A: Ginger Ale. Q: How do you start an argument with a redhead? A: Say something.

Q: How do you know your adopted? A: When your the only ginger in the family.

Q: How does a ginger answer her phone on a Saturday night? A: Wrong number.

Q: How do you cure a ginger? A: Chemotherapy.

Q: What do you call a ginger whose phone rings on a Saturday night? A: Shocked.

Q: How do you get a redhead’s mood to change? A: Wait 10 seconds

One Liners

My wife asked me to prepare our son for his first day of school. He's a ginger so I punched him in the face and stole his lunch money

S.W.A.G. (Sex With A Ginger)

If a red head guy works at a bakery, does that make him a ginger bread man?

If a dementor's kiss steals your soul, what has Ron Weasley got to worry about?

Freckles give a Ginger it's powers.

If someone tells you a secret and says not to tell a soul, can you tell a ginger?

There's always that one ginger that claims to be strawberry blonde.

Want to survive a horror movie? Be a ginger. You can't die if you don't have a soul.

I'm a ginger and this crazy. But here's my sunscreen, I use it daily.

You can't have a soul mate if you don't have a soul.

Went to a ginger convention, not a soul showed up.

If Monday were a person, it would be a ginger.

A tan redhead is like a smart blonde. We all know you're faking it. You're just jealous that my hair color can be found in rainbows and yours can only be found in the dirt.

Lindsay Lohan was arrested again. I'd say send her to Azkaban except the dementors will have no affect on her...she's a ginger.

You're a ginger therefore your opinion is invalid.

My phone just autocorrected "ginger" to "soulless".

If you're not dating a redhead, raise your hand. If you are, raise your standards.

That unexpected awkwardness when a ginger speaks without permission

Crying I was shopping today, in the local Sams Club, when I heard a member of staff crying, quite loudly. When I saw the member of staff, I realised what all the commotion was about, and I don't blame him. I'd cry too if I was ginger.

Birth Control So I was recently reading that condoms are effective only 97% of the time and I thought that's not good enough. So I tried getting my girlfriend to use the pill, this is apparently 98% effective. So then I tried the female condom, and found that to be 99% effective. But after all this I still strove for a method that is 100% effective. So yesterday I dyed my hair ginger.

Magic Lamp A ginger man finds a magic lamp and when he rubs it a genie pops out. "Ah, hell," says the genie, "What do you want?" The ginger says, "I want a huge mansion with a hundred rooms and twenty floors, all made of pure gold." The genie looks at him and says, "don't be an idiot, do you have any idea how much gold that would take? That's impossible. Pick something else." So the ginger says, "I want everyone to stop making fun of my hair colour." The genie says, "So this mansion, you want suite bathrooms?"

Stepsisters A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"

Rich & Poor A rich man and a poor man are both buying anniversary gifts for their wives. "What are you getting your wife?" asks the poor man. And the rich man says "I'm getting her a diamond ring and a Marcedes." "Why both?" asks the poor man. And the rich man says "That way if she doesn't like the ring she can still enjoy the Marcedes when she returns the ring." And then the rich man asks the poor man "What are you getting your wife?" And the poor man says "She's a ginger, i'm buying her a pair of slippers and a dildo. That way if she doesn't like the slippers she can go **** herself."

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar.

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland ?"

One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!" So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland ?"

And that's the last thing I remember.

http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1359400795.jpg

The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Relations claimed that a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate.

AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.

RANCHER: Well, let's see, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years now. I started paying him $200 a week, now he gets $400 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $30 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.

AGENT: Yeah..That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.

RANCHER: That would be me, the ranch owner.

An Irish pickle factory.

Mickey O'Flynn worked in an Irish pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist. After six months, the therapist gave up.

He advised Mickey to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind. The next day he came home from work very early. His wife, Bridget, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened. Mickey tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.

Bridget gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis. She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?" Mickey replied, "I think she got fired, too."

GREAT TRUTHS

In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.
-- John Adams

If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.
-- Mark Twain

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. --Winston Churchill

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. -- George Bernard Shaw

Talk is cheap, except when Congress does it.
-- Anonymous

The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
-- Ronald Reagan

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians
--Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
-- Aesop

Pure Logic

Lady: Do you drink?

Man: Yes

Lady: How much a day?

Man: 3 six packs

Lady: How much per six pack

Man: about $10.00

Lady: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: 15 years

Lady: So one six pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 six packs a day which puts your spending each month
at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: If in one year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your
spending at $162,000 correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Porsche?

Man: Do you drink?

Lady: No

Man: Where's your f***ing Porsche?

Expensive 6 packs, eh......is Buttwiper considered an import?

Naw we brew it up here so when you come snowmobileing in July you have something awful to drink to remind you of back home.

TOOLS EXPLAINED

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh --'

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

Son of a b*tch TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a b*tch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Report on Crow Kills.

Well, it is not a pretty story.... about 200 dead crows near Boston, and
there was concern for Avian Flu.
They had a Bird Pathologist examine the remains of all the crows, and he
confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu,
to everyone's relief.

However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with
trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact.
The city then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine the
disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kill. The Ornithological
Behaviourist determined the cause in short order. When crows eat road kill,
they always post a "look-out crow"
in a nearby tree, to warn of impending danger.

His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say "Cah", but he could not
say "Truck."

Old man looks down to hear a frog say something.
"Give me a kiss and I'll be your beautiful bride forever."
He picked it up, held it close to his ear:
"Give me a kiss and I'll be your beautiful bride forever."
He said, "No thanks, I'd rather have a talking frog."
.
:D

The Last Nickel

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy
3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father
realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the
back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his
son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business
suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of
coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup
down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from
her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the
boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then
ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs
up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and
walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father
rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen
anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

"No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
bed room closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there
already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is"
Boy " I have a baseball."
Man "That's nice"
Boy "Want to buy it?"
Man "No, thanks"
Boy "My dad/s outside..."
Man "O.K. - How much?"
Boy "$250"

In a few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the closet together.

Boy "Dark in here"
Man “ Yes, it is."
Boy "I have a baseball glove"
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,
"How much?"
Boy "$750"
Man "Sold!"

A few days later the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch.

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy " $ 1,000"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...
that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you
to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here".
The priest says, "Don't start that **** again, you're in my closet now."

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated
him out of $10,000,000.00.
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the
first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would
therefore never have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10
million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language. The
Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is."
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The
lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are
talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says,
"Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "he will kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown
briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly blown all his saved money. He calls home.



"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"



"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"



"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."



So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.



About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.



"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.



"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"



"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"



"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."



The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.



So he shoots the dog.



When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"



"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.



Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"



The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that SOB before he talks to your Mother!"



"I sure did, Dad!"



"That's my boy!"



The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. As a Congressman...

Tough-Harley-Guy Legend...

A group of Harley bikers were riding North on the interstate when they saw a beautiful girl about to jump off a high river bridge, So they stopped.

Jack, their leader, a big burly man of 50, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"


She says, "I'm going to commit suicide."


While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"


So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.


After they finished, Jack gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"


"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."


It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

The computer guys on this site know all the baudy limericks.

Yesterday my daughter again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys. I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said, "Are you nuts? You're almost 72 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week." I told her.

She fainted.

What do you call a pope who has resigned?

Ex-Benedict

Another short one...

At a girl's night out event, the girls are all discussing their husbands unique body parts when one of the ladies declares that the word SWAN is tattooed on her husband's d*ck! One of the other girls yells out..."NO! It says SASKATCHEWAN!!!":D

That tatoo got me in lots of trouble!!!!

Mike, in Regina, Saskatchewan.....;)

I bet it did!

Mike, you may find this hard to believe but my ......MOTHER actually told me that joke about twenty years ago!

Cold in Swan?....err Saskatchewan these days?